My friend gave up two twin girls for adoption 14 yrs ago they found her and have been begging since?

they talk about her choice to give them up, as she was young and going through a divorce from the father who was also young, but now they have found her and have continued to beg and borrow money one just had a baby and she{ MY FRIEND} spent about five grand on the baby's stuff and they live in Tennessee, and she has had a one sided relationship with them, but these children are treating her as if she committed a crime by giving them up,and she is hurt , because she thought they forgave her and understood, advice please as to what I can say to comfort her.they are using her for money.
Additional Details
the twins found her through a girl they met who they favored a lot and she in fact was their cousin on the fathers side who told them their story and he put them in touch with their mother,who now lives in Indiana, they arranged a meeting and met but they met before they were 18, one ran away and the birth mother was called by the other twin and the adoptive parents told the police they thought she was with the mother,she was not but the police did go to the mothers house to look for her, that twin she was found a month later at a friends house, they took her back home, but the adoptive parents told the mother not to contact their kids again,but they were the ones calling her, in june they turned 18, the runaway got pregnant and they began to visit their mom and I feel she tried to make up for time she lost with them, by buying them just basic items, she helped one to get an apartment the other a car, and I feel in trying to make up she got caught up and they took advantage of her.

cantstopLinnyG

I dont understand what you mean by "one sided relationship". Do their adoptive parents know the twins are in contact with her?

I would say she needs to talk to the adoptive parents, and right away.She also needs to set strict boundaries with the twins. I would also suggest she read the following books, which may help to give her some insight as to some of their behavior.

http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php

"The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier
"Lost and Found: the Adoption Experience"
"Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness" both by Betty Jean Lifton

kitta

First of all, I am not sure what is a "one-sided relationship." These girls are related to her...she is still their natural mother. Legally, they are not related, if the adoption was finalized, of course. I am assuming that it was finalized??And, I am assuming that they are at least 18 years of age??

She is also a biological grandmother to the baby. If she wants to help out with the baby, and most grandparents do like to help and be a part of their grandchildren's lives, she will have to decide what she wants to do and how much.There is nothing wrong with helping her children and grandbaby.

She must not allow herself to be blackmailed. If she is giving money because they are demanding it in payment for a "choice' she supposedly made, that is blackmail.

I personally do not lend money. I give it. That way, I never expect anything to be paid back and I also know exactly how much I am going to do. Or, I give gift cards or items I know they need.

She will have to decide what she is willing to give.

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It doesn't sound like they turned out too well. If she wants to have a relationship with them she's going to have to act like a parent and not like a hurt child. They need some tough love.

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Your friend needs to realize there's a difference between love and money.

She needs to stand up and say NO!

lkwood39

I was adopted when I was young. My biological father always kept in contact. He gave us money out of the kindness of his heart. He didnt willingly give us up. back in the 70's the state didnt think a man could raise his children. Our mother died and the state stepped in. they wanted to put us in the orphanage and us kids would run away until my dad handed us over to our aunt (our mothers sister). He did what he thought was best for us children. NOW for your friend. she should give out of the kindness of her heart not cause they want it. the twins will respect her later. she needs to offer not wait until they ask.

Raven

I was adopted when I was a baby and just recently in the past couple years found my birth-mom. I was really nervous about meeting her because of the possibility of our relationship turning into something that wasn't healthy. I would advise your friend to tell the two girls how she feels, and to tell them how much being used hurts. If they don't really care, then you might want to point out to your friend that this relationship isn't helping her or the girls.

Also another thing that you might want to point out to your friend is this: Who is responsible for the upbringing of these two girls, her (your friend) or the parents who adopted them? Yes, she might have chosen the parents, but who's responsible for them? The adoptive parents. This question was something I had to struggle with when I met my birth-family. The question of who's am I.

She committed no crime in giving them up. She gave them a gift that they probably cant see or appreciate right now. I would like to congratulate your friend for making the decision that she did 14 years ago.

This is a hard situation, and I will pray for you and your friend.

kathiangel711

This is something that happens more times than not, What your friend needs to do is tell them, I would love to have a relationship with you, but I am not going to be treated as though I owe you anything, I did the best thing for you at the time and that was give you up for adoption because I knew at that time someone else could give you what you needed, something I was not able to give you at that time, it does not mean that through the years I didn't think about you, but at this time I will not allow either of you to black mail me or try to guilt me into going broke. If you would like to have a relationship as though I were your aunt or a friend of the family that would be wonderful, you have parents. and I will give you as I see fit

tish_part deux

unfortunately, this is the reality of adoption. the idea that one can bring children into the world and they simply "disappear" is a fallacy.

hence, why women should realize that all the jargon of "you will be able to go on"...is simply empty words

--------------------------------

i strongly advise that she speak with these girls. their adoption-related issues were 100% due to her reproductive choices. YET...she has the right to not be harassed and extorted.

Nurse Answer Mama

Honestly, I don't think this sounds very one-sided, unless there is more to this story. They came to visit their mother.
Just because she chose to spend money on the grandchild doesn't make this one-sided. What does she want from her children? My dad and his wife spent more than that on my son, but I hardly consider our relationship one-sided.
Sounds like these girls have a messed-up life right now. They feel abandoned and obviously are looking for love.
She isn't REQUIRED to give them things. That has been her choice. If she doesn't want to do that, she needs to learn to say no, just like every other parent in the world. Sounds like your friend has ALLOWED them to get things from her she really didn't want to give, but that's HER issue, not theirs.
Since they are over 18, the APs can't tell them or her what to do.

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i am confused

daleann

To be frank, they should just be thankful she didn't abort them. She gave them life and gave them the best life that she could, luckily, and yet sadly, that had to be adopting them.

Those two need to back off. I presume that they are older? They're not 14 are they?! Anyways, where is the adoptive parents? Hello?!!! Those two are not her financial responsibility, and have not been for 14 years now. They are their adoptive parents financial responsibility. They need to get over themselves and be happy that your friend even wants anything to do with them, let alone paying $5 grand for her new biological grandchild's baby stuff that the baby's MOTHER should be paying for in the first place.

They are OBVIOUSLY using her for money and money only. I think your friend wants some sort of relationship with them, (if she didn't, she wouldn't be giving them money) so therefore she should talk to them and make it VERY clear to them that she wants to be apart of their lives, but she's not a BANK and if they continue to ask for money and money only, she will have nothing to do with them.

Your friend is also being hurt in this situation, and your friend needs to reevaluate the entire relationship with her biological daughters and make some changes. And FAST. Before she's broke.

Don't Trickle on Me

She needs to sever all ties with them. They have parents, the adoptive parents. She did her duty by not aborting them and giving them the family life she couldn't. Beyond that, she has no responsibility for them in any way, shape or form.
Getting her to believe that, well, good luck with that. It is normal that she has some regrets about the adoption, but these girls are manipulating her. It has nothing to do with forgiving her or understanding, they are 14, they are children, they're not thinking like adults. Why their parents are allowing it, though, there's probably something messed up going on. But your friend needs to get out of this.

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