My friend is putting her baby up for adoption?

I am worried about her. She acts like it's no big deal and the emotions she's feeling is only because of her hormones. She said that the family that she found is really great and that she really likes them. She swears that this is going to be an open adoption, but what she doesn't know is that these people could set her up to make her think that it's going to be an open adoption and then shut her out once the papers are signed. They have been taking her out to dinner and showing up at her doctor's appointments and stuff. She's acting like they really care. However, I think that she's being naive because getting a child through adoption is like running for office. You have to talk a good game and do all things right beforehand. Once the votes are in and the papers are signed and your in office, the story changes. Her argument is that she says that she's not ready to be a parent because she wants a husband or something in her life to go through this with her before she has a child. I feel like she is really going to regret it and just doesn't know it yet. I am going through the same thing. I am completely against abortion so these are my only options. The more I read on answers, though, the more I don't even want to give my baby up. I just feel like when the party is over, she's gonna hate not having her baby with her. Is there something I can do or say to get her to think logically about this? I just feel like there's going to be more regret on her end than she's willing to go through with. I want to be a good friend and I don't want to be pushy, but I just want her to think. Once the papers are signed, the baby is permanently theirs. I don't think she knows what the consequences are and if I know her well at all, I think she's going to regret this, especially once the party's over (and we're only getting older by the day! our friends are getting married and having kids already!)
Additional Details
My friend is not 14 - 19. She's 22!

Not Adopted

I hope she has good health insurance that covers mental health counseling...she's going to need it.

snowwillow20

You should be worried. It is a big deal and it might take her a week, or a year or even 10 years but she is going to wake up one morning and say oh God, what did I do.
Open adoptions are not legally enforceable. I hope the paps are genuinely wonderful people but, they might just be telling her what they think she needs to hear.
No one is ever truly ready to be a parent but we do the best with what we have.
You are right, she is going to regret it, but she will probably have to crash and burn before she realizes it. We all cope with loss differently, some people drink or do whatever feels good to get rid of the pain, and believe me, it's painful to give up a child.
Once you sign those papers there is no going back, your life will not magically go back to before you gave birth. You can't start over, you never get over it. It is a hurt that never heals and for me it was a secret that made me ill.
You friend needs to talk to other women who have given up a child to find out how they feel about giving up a child. It's been 37 years for me and I still feel the guilt of what I did.

Happy to be her mommy

You know what? She's opting for a permanent fix to a temporary problem. None of the issues you have mentioned even compare to the loss she will feel when she loses (and yes, she will lose forever) her baby. Not to mention, her child is most likely going to feel separation anxiety for life, loss, grief and anger in knowing that they were, for whatever reason, unwanted by the person who brought them into this world and is SUPPOSED to take care of them.

My advice to her? Don't make anything official until you see and hold your baby. Your baby is a part of you. All of the other crap can be overcome. Dinners, doctor's appointments and whatever bond is happening with the adoptive parents is a blib on the radar compared to the lifetime of joy becoming a parent can be with the proper attitude.

She might feel like it's too late to change her mind, and she might feel guilty about letting people down or whatever. But it's HER baby. She has a bond with that baby for life. The adoptive parents will be disappointed, but that won't stop them from bonding with another child they choose to adopt. Their bond is not for life.

She needs to carefully consider this. Life is not like in a movie (Juno for example). She needs to think about this a lot more, and not be swayed. The people who call her "selfless" and "brave" today are the same people who are going to ostrasize her later for "abandoning" her child.

Eneri

Talk to her parents, what do they think?? Giving up a child is a huge decision, and I agree with you. She might regret it later.

Atreyu's Mommy & Due Aug 24

First off, this is your friend's choice and she will have to deal with the consequences. She may change her mind once she actually gives birth to her child. Many mothers do. As far as the open adoption goes, she needs to make sure the contract/papers she signs breaks down what rights she has to her child. Does she get to visit every weekend or are they just going to send updates to her. Things like that. It should all be written up, so let her know to read through everything before she signs. I hope she has her own attorney to make sure she isn't getting screwed over. But again, it is her choice, just like it is your choice to keep your baby or give it up for adoption.

red elephants

The opinions on here are not at all set in stone as the truth in all adoption cases and do not apply to all or even most adoptions. Only a small number of people post on here.

Not all birthmom's regret putting their kids up for adoption (a good friend of mine included), not all adoptive parents are going to shut the door on her once they have completed the adoption. It is possible that they care about her and not just her baby and getting their hands on it. There are a number of adoptive parents on here who have kept open adoptions and kept the birthmom as part of the family.

Its ultimately her decision. You can tell her your concerns but if you push too hard you may end up losing her in the end.

sam22254

Tell her not to come crying to you a year from now when they stop taking her calls. and don't bring the baby up to you because you thought she need to step up and be mom. By the way where is the dad?
These birth moms are wonderful until they sign the child over then she is a tramp,

C Wood

Two things come to mind.

You distrust so you want your friend to distrust; you're push about it too.
If she has a lawyer review it and the lawyer says it's set up correctly as an open adoption, and that she has the right to be in touch, then you are wrong that they'd just cut her out. That would be illegal and she could take the child away for violation of the contract.

Women who go through EITHER adoption or abortion need to go to a family counselor. They rarely understand the emotional consequences till later on. So, you should recommend she go to a family counselor to make sure she's aware of the consequences emotionally and has someone she can call on later on if she finds it distressing.

So what if your other friends are "getting married and having kids already"?? So what if you're "only getting older by the day"???
Who elected you God? Who gave you the right to decide what's best for her?
cw

nice

try and see if you can talk her out of it may be she will regret it later what if she don't have any more? i pray in my heart that she will reconsider it...

jackzero711

You have a good point. Many teens that put their newborns up for adoption usually do regret their decision. It is because they are their biological mother. She also has a good point too. The child needs a father figure and deserves to grow up in a family with the care of both parents. But it also depends on your friends age. If she is say...14-16 then adoption may be the road to go. But YOU are also have a good point AGAIN about her making rash decisions. She needs to SERIOUSLY pray and consider all options OTHER THAN ABORTION which is murder. Adoption MAY be the way to go but she needs to give it much more time. Again i will say the path she chooses should have alot to do with her age. If she is 17-19 Im not sure what i would do. I will pray for your friend. Hope it all goes well.

God bless and good luck.

Liz A

Maybe its a good thing that her baby is going to a loving family. If she says she isn't ready to have a child, I would listen to her. Wouldn't it be better for her baby to have a happy, normal life instead of growing up with a single mother who isn't ready to have her own child? It's a difficult, scary thing to give up your baby but think of the well-being of the child.

sizesmith

There are adoptive parents who do honor open adoption ( I know-I am one!)

I recommend if someone is specifically wanting an open adoption, to ask for a lie detector test to make sure they'll honor it. Also, the mother placing the child has a right to ask for the parent's social security numbers or a copy of their driver's license, along with a release to run the information at a future date. If the PAP's are not willing to do this, then they're the wrong ones.

Glam Mommy

Why do you care? Are you planning on adopting the baby? At least she's smart and is helping a couple out, she could have just aborted it. I think she is being very unselfish. If you're so worried about it then you should just adopt the baby.

You people who answer send confusing messages. You're all for adoption when someone wants an abortion but then when someone actually chooses adoption you say that they'll regret it. Some people just do not want to be parents and it doesn't bother them to abort or give their children up.

Kelly H

i think you should adopt the baby instead... so she can always see him and maybe when he/she grows up she can get them back

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: