My husband was just contacted by a (young) adult biological son who was put up for adoption. Any advice? ?

cantstopLinnyG

Wow, that is great news. As an adult adoptee in reunion, I would say the best advice I have for your husband is to take it s-l-o-w. Read up on how adoption can affect an adoptee, and about how many of us react to certain situations.
It is important neither of them push one another too quickly. Please try and respect each other's boundaries, and let your husband's son set the pace. reunion can be so amazing, but complicated, too. I would also say to be very careful you do not become too involved. Its really hard to go into a reunion with our first parents while trying to get to know their spouses at the same time. Allow them to be alone at first. Your husband's son will appreciate it. Its soooooo overwhelming to meet our first parents for the first time, and do not feel comfortable with anyone but our first parents there for the first couple of times.

http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php

Books:
The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier
Lost and Found: the Adoption Experience AND
Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness both by Betty Jean Lifton
The Adopted break Silence by Jean Paton
The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler
Adoption: Uncharted Waters,by David Kirschner
Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by David Brodzinsky

tish_part deux

he should register with http://adultadoptees.org/. there's many adoptees in reunion who've navigated this terrain.

good luck.

Not Adopted

Here's some advice from an adoptee:

http://ruthmaryceleste.blogspot.com/2008/06/reunion-advice-from-old-adoptee.html

Congratulations and good luck!

Philippa

My husband and I were in the opposite situation as I was coerced into surrendering back in 1981. To cut a long story short I found my son back in 2004 so the best bit of advice I can give to both of you, not just your husband, take it slowly. My son wanted to rush things and I kept backing off even though I wanted reunion to work. My family hadn't wanted me to talk about my son so for 23 years I didn't and it felt like a door to my emotions had been unlocked. We muddled through and he moved in with us in Dec 2006 and we're now 4 1/2 years into reunion.

snowwillow20

Reunions are fragile. I understand how your husband feels but don't be too pushy. Let his son make the first move.
Even though reunions are fragile they can be wonderful too. Keep in contact.

Lori A

Through reunion I have become one of my daughters best friends. We took it very slow. We weathered all the emotions, crying jags, and past pains to become very very close. But we took it very slow. Phone calls, emails, then finally a face to face. I have been in reunion with my daughter for 9 years and we spent the night together for the first time at new years 2009. That could have progressed a little faster, but we work different shifts and the 4 hour distance between us made it difficult. Slower is better. Take time to digest. Allow time for the other person to digest. This is huge and it takes time to get comfortable with it all. Reunion is a roller coaster, it ties your guts in knots and thrills you all at the same time. You want to get off, but you want to stay on.

Someone suggested www.adultadoptees.org, great place with lots of first hand experiences.

Congrats to your husband and his son, and Good Luck to you all.

Kate

I would wait until meeting face-to-face. I met my biological parents two days after coming into contact and that was a big mistake.

Your husband and his son need to get to know each other through phone calls, e-mails, etc. first.

Take it one step at a time, no need to rush as hard as it is, trust me.

Congrats to your husband!

chazas

Your husband should be cognizant of the possibility of problems, too, but I will say that only another adoptee and bio parent who have experienced reunion can really understand the roller-coaster of emotions it brings with it.

I am a 47 year old adoptee who just reunited with his bio mom. I searched for and found her and she was shocked, to say the least. But if I was going 55 when I found her she immediately went from 1 to 70. It takes a while to get in synch, and I think we're finally getting there. One of the things I have done while emailing and calling to get to know each other is to put off visiting and meeting her. Your husband should understand that his son may pull back, or speed ahead, as this process continues, as may he. The important thing is to keep the lines of communication open.

All that said, I would be very wary about offering too much advice, and doing anything other than supporting your husband with wherever he decides this should go. Both my partner, and my bio mom's sister, are constantly urging caution. I know the love us, but it's not really helpful as they really don't understand.

In addition to the other excellent books cited above, of which The Girls Who Went Away is by far my favorite, I can also recommend Birthright by Jean Strauss as the best guide to search and reunion I've read so far.

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