My mom doesn't want me to find my biological parents but it is important to me.?

sunny

I'm sorry your mother is so selfish.

I would recommend going underground now. She has told you that she's uncomfortable, so just shied her from your search. It's time to make your own way. You sure don't need her dragging you down and sapping your energy.

I searched and found over 20 years ago, and I can tell you, I believe it was one of the best gifts I have ever given myself. Self worth and freedom are two of the things I gained. Hardly anything you will ever do will be as important as learning your own history.

We'd love to have you come here for support:

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum

I wish you strength and luck!

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

you don't say anything to make her get it. you just go and search.

Nurse Autumn Intactivist NFP

I am sorry if I sound blunt, but a "real" mother wants what is best for her child and that would be to know her family (excluding cases of abuse). This is NOT about her. This is about YOU! You have TWO families! Both are equally important, and loving one does not exclude the other.

â™¥â™¥Ritaâ™¥â™¥

I think you need to act on your desire to find your natural mother. Your mother (adoptive) is remiss in making you feel guilty. This is something she had to have thought about over the years.

I wouldn't think you should have to make her get it....you just search if that is what you need to do. The mother who raised you will either come around or she won't, I would think she will become okay with it once she is no longer threatened by the prospect.

I wish you well in your search.

Mary G

Do yourself a favor, keep your parents out of your search and reunion. The whole point of search is for you to find your roots, your answers, your history. The biggest problem I can see in involving your parents is exactly what is already going on. They don't see search and reunion as being about you, they see it as being about them. As judging them to be bad parents, they see it as you saying they are not enough for you. It is not about them of course, and I can understand you wanting to involve them in this, but the best advice I can give you is to keep them out of it.

She is your mother of course she is, but there is another woman out there who most likely wonders about you, worries about you, wants to know you, and that you are ok and alive. I know that is how and what I felt for many years. And what I have heard from other mothers and adoptees says the same things. We all need to know, otherwise there is a big empty space in our lives, that we can never fill, no matter how hard we try.

Theresa

I'm sorry she's so insecure, and that this is falling on your shoulders. She should be the one supporting you, but instead it's like you've taken on the parent's role, looking out for her instead. That's not fair to you.

Maybe someone can suggest some links to articles or books that would help your mom... but really my focus is on adoptees. Some adoptive parents never get it. Unfortunately my adoptive mother was always threatened and insecure by my search. I had to learn to focus on on my own well-being and stop trying to be responsible for her happiness. Eventually I just stopped talking to her about it, it wasn't worth her drama and instability. She's the one who lost out; as adoption is such a large part of my life, she's lost out on a large part of me by her own fear.

I hope she comes around, I'm sorry you're in this situation. All I think you can do is speak your truth, it's up to her if her heart is open enough to hear you.

Good luck.

Torrejon

If your mom really loves you, she will support anything that you really want to do. Period. Maybe you could ask her why she feels threatened by you discovering your own history and truth.

I have always believe that I have two families. I am simply the point at which both families intersect. That doesn't necessarily mean that they have to overlap. I have never told any one in my afamily that I searched. If they ever ask, I will tell the truth. But I see no reason to tell them. My adoption, my bfamily, my desire to know my own truth...is MINE.

2/20/2009

She is being selfish-go for it. If she is going to immature about it, then don't even tell her.

Kazi

I'm so sorry your mom is making this harder for you (and her) than it needs to be. I'm an adoptive mom, so from her perspective, I believe her reluctance to support your search comes from her own insecurity and fear. Fear of the unknown. She loves you and mothers do not always do so well with sharing. But she needs to get past this. There is nothing wrong with you wishing to meet and have a relationship with your first family. It is perfectly natural. I think your mom just needs time to come to terms with the fact that you meeting your first mom does not negate your relationship and that your search has nothing to do with the kind of parent she is (which I suspect is at the root of her fear). While I don't believe it is your job to make your mother more secure, I think it might make things go more smoothly if you sat your mom down and explained your reasons for wanting to meet your biological family. She may still resist, but hopefully once you've begun your search and met your first family and she has a chance to see how much this means to you, I hope that she can come to terms with it and support you. As a mom, I don't see how she could not.

Good luck!!

Sly

You will not be able to argue her imto this; you will have to prove it to her. It is her problem, not yours. I would suggest that you simply tell her that you are sorry that she feels that way, that you will always love her, and nothing will change that. However, this is something that you feel strongly about and you want to do it for yourself, and she will have to get used to the idea. Tell her that you would like to share this with her but if it is difficult for her, then you will not do that. Then just do it. She will get over it, and she will learn that the feelings you have for your natural family will take nothing from her at all. Again, this is NOT your problem.

ETA: Ruthym, what a shame that you are letting your fear ruin your experience with your adopted children. They will pick up on your insecurity and will be reluctant to share things with you. They should feel free to share their joys as well as their sorrows. I am sorry that you feel this way. I would hate to think that the woman who adopted my son felt as insecure about me as you do about your children's mother. Don't you realize that we would give our left arms to be able to share one moment of what you have and we cannot, and even in reunion, we can never regain the time that you should be enjoying with them right now. The natural mother of your children is not someone who you need to fear. If you are doing well with them, and you make them secure, and allow them to share, you have nothing to fear at all. All I can say is what a shame that you allow your own fear to darken your joy in this moment.

Heather B

Do not allow anyone to tell you that you should not search. This belittles your feelings and makes you less of a person in your own eyes. Genealogy is one of the biggest hobbies in this country. Do not allow your being adopted to keep you from your heritage, either.

Cool Hal

As someone who is adopted but not met my birth mum I cannot give you personal experience of the meeting - I do know where she lives and I have had the conversation with my adopted parents about meeting my mum the time hasnt been right for me yet, and may never be.

But you have a right to do what you want and your adopted mum must have known that this day could arise. It's not like this was an impossibility that you may feel like this. The problem is hers and hers alone - she is playing an emotional blackmail game, one that could be very dangerous as she could be the one that loses.

If YOU want to do this you need to tell her that is your decision and that you want her to respect your wishes as you want to do it with her blessing but you are doing it anyway. Explain that no one can take her place, nor replace the relationship that you share but there is part of you that is missing and questions that you need answering and only your birth mother can answer them.

The way I broached the subject was by explaining that whilst I wished that it was my adopted parents were the ones that conceived me, unfortunately they weren't and there was somethings I had to find out and they couldn't help. Fortunately for me they understood and supported.

Good luck I hope it works for you.

Serenity71

You do have a right to know your origins..

But stop trying to make her understand your need to find your bmother. She might also be coming to terms with you being all grown up and now your finding your own way in the world. Its a normal reaction for any parent. (Bio parents with bio kids go through it too but in a different way. you know when kids leave home...a form of primal wound.)

If you feel the need let her know your still going to search as you feel its something you need to do. Tell her you love and would like her support. She might come round sooner than you think.

â™¥ MÎ±ÑÃ¬Î±Ð½ â™¥

Tell her that it isn't a personal slam on her. I'm sure she is saying that because she feels asthough you are wanting a new mom. Just tell her that its important to you to find out who your mother is, not because you want to replace her, but to see who would give you up.

34 weeks with Evan Alexanderâ™¥

If you're not 18, you may not be able to.

tycomp1223

I think that you should just tell her that you would like to meet her just to see what she's like, find out about YOUR family because even though she adopted you out it's still your blood, maybe you would like to find out why your biological mother gave you up. Maybe you could invite your mom when you make a meeting with the biological. Your biological parent may not want contact because they may feel ashamed.
The guy I like is adopted-he knows his biological mother and gives her hell for adopting out him and his two siblings... he could never not think of his adopted mom as his real mom.
I come froma single parent home and I know that it does make my mom feel insecure about meeting my dad-because it's something I plan on doing-but you just have to hope in time they'll understand where your coming from.

allchildrenareangels

My husband and I are hoping to adopt. I think you have every right to know who they are. When we adopt and our child is ready I will help our child find his or her first mom. I think your AM is probably scared. To her you are her child and she loves you with all her heart. The thing is she is probably scared if you meet your first mom that she might lose you. You need to reassure her that no matter what she will never lose you. Tell her that nothing can change your love for her and she will always be your mom. Then tell her this is just something I have to do though and I hope as my mother you will support me and be there for me.

Good luck,
Michelle

AdoreHim

I am both adopted and have 2 adopted children, so I see both sides of this very important issue. Let her know that it is not a personal assault on her. Loving her, has nothing to do with wanting to know your roots. When I was growing up, I did not have the same feelings that you have, however, that does not mean that I never thought of my birth mom. I also thoughts that my adopted mom and dad would be upset with me, if I wanted to meet her. Also how old are you? When you are 18 you have every right to search them out, with or without your adopted families help or permission. IF you choose to do that, please don't let your parents think that you are doing it behind their back though. You can do both. My son's birth family contacted us when he was 18. At first I was hesitant to tell him- then I knew that it would be wrong if I with held that info from him. My advice to you is continue to share that your love will always be there for your mother.

Rose S

i can understand your mums position. she wants to see herself as your only mum because that is the way she feels. she is protective of you, and doesn't want anything to break that mother daughter connection that you both share. its only because she loves you so much that it is hard for her to feel that you have a mother/daughter connection with someone else. put yourself in her shoes.
at the same time, i can understand that you would want to know your blood relative, but is it really worth making the woman who has been your mother, feel as though she is not?. maybe wait until you are a little older. give it a bit more time and give her a bit more time. it may take years, but i think you owe it to her.

ruthym02

i can understand where shes comming from, i'm already stressed out about the day my daughter will ask me the same thing, and my daughter is only 2.
I think the main thing to let her know is that she IS your real mom, but you'd like to know who your BIOLOGICAL parents are. Tell her that in no way will these other people replace your mom, and that you just wanna know who they are.

kirby8148302

I don't wanna take sides with your mom but i think you should just lay back for awhile and think how good your life turned out for you soo far. You probably do love her as much as you say but if you keep bugging her about it she may think you dont love her very much (which i'm sure really hurts). Your mom probably just thinks it is best for you not to know right. When she's ready to tell you im sure she'll tell you. But if you really wanna know then go up to her in a serious but lovable tone and have a very serious talk and try to comprimise with her. Hope i helped some. And sorry for taking your moms side.. :(

SgtShamy

your birth mother gave you up for a REASON
leave it alone
your mom might know details about the situation that she is trying to protect you from
maybe your birth mother doesn't want to know you. maybe she was a rape victim that doesn't belive in abortions, who knows?

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