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My mom gave her baby up for adoption?
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My mom gave her baby up for adoption?

My mom 2 years ago went thru a major depreesion due to that fact that she gave her baby up for adoption when she was 17. She had no choice back in the late 50's that's what you did, she wasn't even alloud to her or touch her. My mom recently wanted to get in touch with her. Well my mom found her and the lady wants to meet with my mom so very badly but my mom can't come to terms with it. I think this would really help her with her deppression. And I would be able to learn about my half sisster. Any Advice???
Additional Details
The lady named yulia Oh could you say that. I have family out there and my mom did not have a choice she was sent to a nunnery and for the time being and did't have a choice. I think that was very un called for


    




Mary G
Starr, as a mother myself I can tell you it is very hard for us to face our children. We are terribly afraid of what they will think of us, what they will say. We think perhaps they may hate us and want nothing more from us than medical information. Sounds like alot to be afraid of doesn't it? Yet that is only the tip of the iceberg. You are correct in stating your mother had no choice. She didn't, not then as I did not in 1984. Coercion is alive and well in adoption.

Now as for some advice, I have a few things that may help. There is a website that is for mothers and adoptees (Natural mothers not adoptive) adoptioncrossroads.org This group has a nightly faciliated chat. It is a safe place to talk about anything and everything relating to your moms situation and your half sisters. It may help your mom come to terms with things and give her the strength to meet your sister. Time is what it takes for alot of us. Lots and lots of time. Most likely your mother is struggling with PTSD. I would suggest if she is willing, that you find a therpaist who is versed in the after affects of adoption on the natural mother. The thing you need to remember about this, is that isn't about you or your sister, it is about your mom and her feelings. You can meet your sister if you wish to. But until your mom is ready for it, you can talk to her about it, reassure her and let her know you are there for her and support her. The one thing I would also suggest is that you and your mom also go to therapy together it may help. You are all affected by the monster called adoption. Your mom has to come to terms with herself and what happened to her, and it is a hard, hard thing to do. Even when you had no choice in what happened. We feel unworthy and as if we really do not have a right to a relationship with our lost children. If you have contact with your sister tell her some of the things I Have told. She needs to be ready as well to meet your mom. Reunion is not easy for any of us, and she needs support as well. Again I would suggest a support group for her or a therapist well versed in adoption reunion issues. Contact me via email if you would like and I can give you and your mom some other resources that may help. In the meantime just know there are many out there just like you and your mother, in exactly the same situation, there is help available!


Pinky
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Oh my god, I say GO FOR IT!
It'll be so exciting, but it'll be difficult and possibly heart breaking for your mom but let her know that you're there for her!


trashelle_miro
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Give your mom time to get up the strength. i have never given up a child for adoption, but as a mother I know that it had to be a hard time. Support your mom with whatever she needs. Good luck!!!


Joy M
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I agree with Concerned, also find some first mom blogs, your mom is not alone, knowing others, reading their stories will hlep her.


Good luck


concerned
Oh for heaven's sake, I cannot BELIEVE all the crap answers in here. Please ignore most of this stuff and read Mary G.'s answer... and then read it five more times, okay?

I'm a mom, too. I lost my daughter to adoption in 2001--and while, yes, things are different today, the emotions of a mother losing her child are the same. Many, many of us develop PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and depression as a result of losing our children to adoption. And to be perfectly honest, a reunion is not going to make that better. There's no "closure" in adoption, there is just learning to live with, learning to manage.

That being said... I'm not discouraging a reunion. I think a reunion would be good for everyone (including you), but I think it's important that you all know that reunion is HARD. And I also think your mom should get herself as emotionally healthy as possible before going into one. I'd suggest printing out some articles for her on depression and PTSD in birth mothers (there aren't a lot of studies out there, but there are a few--do some Googling, and also check out adoptioncrossroads.org for some info). Then hand her the articles and perhaps gently ask her if she sees any of herself in the descriptions of PTSD and depression. Stress to her that it's a NORMAL reaction to losing a child, and that it's treatable with the right kind of therapy. Honestly, if she is suffering from PTSD, one of the hallmarks of the disorder is avoidance... so it's going to be very, very hard for her to face a reunion if she does have untreated PTSD.

I am so sorry your family was ripped apart by the adoption boom of the 50's. I hope you can meet your sister soon.

(((((((Hugs)))))))


kandmsnapshots
encourage your mom to meet with her, if anything maybe you could at least meet with her, I mean she is your half sister...


Possum
I'd suggest a heap of reading - blogs, books - to try to understand what your mother and your sister are possibly feeling. Blogs give a great insight into the fears that both may have.
Adoption has hurt both of them - and I would certainly say - from your mother's reaction - that she has never dealt with the trauma of losing her daughter - most mothers were/are told to go home - and just get over it. When mother's lose their children to death - they are allowed to grieve. In adoption - they are told to just forget.

I' d certainly encourage YOU to have a relationship with your sister. When adoptees have been rejected in their search - they really appreciate contact from other family members.
Being acknowledged by one's biological family is very important.

When you get a full understanding of the issues and feelings - you may then be able to support your mum more - and your sister.

Here are some links you should check out -

Adoptee blogs -
http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index.php?topic=2805.0

First mum blogs -
http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index.php?topic=2804.0

Literature about adoption and reunions -
http://origins-usa.org/Default.aspx?pageId=24351

Search and reunion is no easy feat for ANYONE involved.
BUT - it does help to heal old wounds.

I wish you all the very best.
Possum. xx
(Aussie adoptee)


LaraSue
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Just be as supportive and loving to your mother as you can. Let her know that you are there for her, no matter if she chooses to meet with your sister or not.


Doodlestuff
I agree. I think it would help her depression. However, she has to be ready to do it. On the other hand, don't hesitate contacting her YOURSELF. That may help break the ice for your mom later on.


Chanel M
It would be good for your 1/2 sister to know why your mom left her and also to know her. I'm sure your mom is just worried, how your sister would react, if she might act mad, whatever the case I'm sure your mother would like to see her.Hopefully you will gain a sister out of this.


Elizabeth
Your mother is obviously having a rough time of it. I hope she can feel healthy enough to meet her daughter/your sister soon.

In the meantime, I suggest you meet with your sister even if your mother can bring herself to right now.

I suspect your sister needs you. Good luck.


secret user
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I think that your Mom needs to meet her long lost daughter. You bet this will help her to close some doors that probally need to be closed and she, and you can form a new relationship with someone very special to you guys. That might can help you all at the same time. I wish you all the best and your Mom to. God Bless you.


NedMir
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I say do it, i lost a baby in labor and i would give all the money in the world if i could bring the child back in my life, so my answer is do it and be there for your mom i can imagine how hard this was for her and what she went thru. dont let anything stop her from going to see her daughter and u hang in there and just be happy for your mom. Good luck to all of you hope u get to know each other and everything goes well for u.....


Michele J
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You need to give your mom some space about this. She has even more to lose, or so she thinks. Even though she may feel she did what she had to do and had little or no choice, there is still her guilt about not being there for the child she gave up so many years ago. She is also afraid of being rejected by this "child" who is now an adult, but in your mom's mind, she is still that baby so many years ago.
This is a tough time for your mother. Just be as sweet as possible and let her know that you support her 100% no matter what she chooses to do. And mean it... this is important! :)
Good luck to your mom. By the way,
I have a 17 year old son who we adopted...and I want to meet her again when my son turns 18, but this is his choice, not mine and well, again....we have to stand behind our loved ones no matter what. :)


Ryan H
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I twould be good for her


AlexB
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good luck


tangilize77
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Sounds like it would be healing for everyone involved. She's lucky to have a sweet, supportive daughter like you. Your 1/2 sister may have been given a better life by your mom's choice - tell her to think of it that way.


ibsawdust
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First have them talk alot on the phone..I'm sure your mom is scared that her daughter will blame her or have bad feelings that she gave her up..she may also be embarrassed that she suffers from depression..I think she should talk to her doctor first..Don't push her into it..she needs to do this on her own.Maybe you can talk to your half sister too..Let her know what is going on , so she will know it's not that your mom doesn't want to meet her , it's just that she is scared too..Hope this helps..good luck to you all.


becky21292
I think they should meet. It would give your mother closure to see that she was not a bad person for putting her up for adoption, she had no other option. I think you mom needs to know that you support her in this and that you would like to know you half sister. Just knowing that someone is behind you can help take away any uncertainties.

It is never too late for a new beginning. Good luck!


mamulechka
That must be horrible! What your mother must have gone throuhg!
I've never being in her situation, thank God, but I did have my son at 17, and I hope your mother blocks out anyone who tries to lie to her that the child had a better life 'wihtout her'.
All the best.

And yulia, ty znaesh shto, ty prosto samaya nastoyashaya dura!


†®€Åç∫€
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If you can, why not suggest that she write your mom a letter and send her a picture of herself and her family. Maybe it will help your mom to overcome her guilt and fear of seeing her if she can see her now and not as the baby she gave up.

But don't pressure her. It might be that your mom will never be strong enough to face her daughter. If that is her decision you should try and support her.


♥xoitsMEox♥
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Persuade your mom into it. A good way of persuasion is to write a nice letter stating all of the reasons and upsides to visiting her daughter.

Good luck!!


zenawarrior0421
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Heavey stuff. I have to say though, it takes an extremely strong, intelligent selfless, woman to make such an emotional disicion. Every child wants to know where they came from. Obviously the child wants to know her biological mother too, other wise the adoption agency wouldn't of let it get this far. This is a moment that is inevidable, so all there is to do now is make this as pleasant, and wonderful an experience as you can. I think this will enlighten everyones life who is involved. Wow, you get a new sister. Happy Days! This is a good thing.


3LLii3ox
Yer, i think you should get her to see her daughter! My friends adopted and said when hes 18 he wants to me hes real mum and dad and see why he got put uo for adoption.


chubby-cheeks
well do think what u should do first then talk to her bout it ok.


Rylee's Mommy
Explain to her how importmant it is for you..I think its wonderfull they are willing to meet you...My mother found her real father and he told her to kiss off and hed call the cops if she tryed to contact him again...You guys have come this far in the search ..I belive time will heal all wonds....Good Luck!!!


BlueSea
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Tell her that both her and the child she gave up have unanswered questions and things they need to say. As an adoptee who was found by her biological family, I didn't want or need a relationship but I needed some answers and not serious things like "why did you give me up" ----I had awesome parents who from day one told me that was due to pure love---- anyway, I wanted to know things about them. So tell you Mom to do it for the girl cause she probably would like to know things like what your mom's favorite color it or just silly things like that
How about they take it slow and talk on the phone until they are both ready and neither one should expect too much too soon , take it slow.
And maybe your mom should see a Dr. about the depression, really.


BLOODHOUND
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i know you feel bad for your mom and you would like to know your sister BUT you need to leave this one between your mom and her child. I'm not so sure that giving up this baby is your moms only problem. you could suggest to your mom that she needs to go to the doctor to get some help for her depression.in her state of mind this is not a good time for her to try to reunite. reuniting will not help in her depression as a matter of fact it could make it worse. I'm sorry all of this is happening to you and your mom. if she could get on some meds and stay on them for a while she will be able to think a little straighter then she can decide if she wants to look up the child she gave up. you have to understand your sister is not your moms daughter. she is some one elses daughter. you also need to know that most parents that reunite with a child that was giving up at birth does not normally go very well. think long and hard about what you are wanting to do. some things as painful as it can be are better off left alone. your mom needs help more then you need to meet your sister.


alexandriaferrari1
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Keep on her about it. Hassle her how much it would mean to you and your sister to meet. She is just scared...help her overcome her fear..because this is her daughter she always wondered about all her life, and now the reality is scary for her..she will come to terms with it and meet her..even if it's just all that prodding about you wanting to meet your sister.
And it doesn't hurt to pray!





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