My sister is infertile, and refuses to consider adoption?

MamaKate

I really cannot believe this question OR many of the answers! I am shocked that people would think of children this way! As objects to be "gotten"?! Ugh! You're talking about HUMAN BEINGS!

Adoption is supposed to be about the needs of the CHILD not the desires of adults!

CHILDREN ARE NOT A COMMODITY!

ETA:Thank you for the edit! I am SOOOOO glad to hear you say that! :) The children's needs should be the first priority.

Perhaps you could mention the thousands of children who are legally free for adoption who are waiting in foster care to your sister. There are some truly WONDERFUL children just waiting for someone to give them loving homes. You two could volunteer together and get to know some of them through one of the many programs that help foster kids.

Just an idea.

Amanda C

well, she is 43. why not just keep your opinion so yourself and just be supportive?

Nahira

She's not in a good position to adopt. She needs to resolve her issues about being infertile. If she adopts now, this kid will be a replacement for the kids she couldnt have. That's a real bad set up, whenever she gets mad, she's gonna take it out on that kid. Like s/he should be grateful.

Also, she's going to have a zillion unrealistic expectations of this child. The kid will also have to do more (and be better than) your 5 kids - its competition. In 14 years, the kid will be cutting and popping pills.

lkraie

Respect her choice. There is a huge psychological barrier in bringing up somebody else's child for some people. It's easy to become a parent but hard to be one, so these decisions are not easy to make.
Remember and keep this in mind, that lives are at stake here. You do not advise someone to adopt a child as a substitute for her own, that is mean to both parent and child. A child is not a pet you can just return to the store or give away.

You should let her decide for herself and not pressure her to go either way. Just be supportive of her decisions and that will be appreciated.

Timid Women Rarely Make History

Well,it's her money. And one day she may wake up and reailze this,she may not. But they are her choices to make.

Jennifer L

There are so many things here, I'm not sure where to start.

First of all, being an adoptive parent is not the same as parenting a biological child. Adoption is more than wanting to be a parent, it's about wanting to parent an adopted child. There are challenges, issues, emotions that go hand-in-hand with adoption, that are never encountered with a biological child. It's so much more complicated and complex than just running out and getting a baby. Not everyone is prepared or willing to parent an adopted child. There's nothing wrong with that.

It sounds like your sister doesn't just want to parent any child, she wants to parent her own, biological child. Again, there's nothing wrong with that! Infertility is an emotionally draining thing. Unless someone has confronted infertility, they cannot understand it. And it's certainly not for anyone else to say, "Okay, you've spent enough money, get over yourself (popular phrase here lately!) just adopt!" Your sister isn't at this point yet, and it's entirely possible she never will be. That's her business.

Adoption doesn't cure infertility. Adopting a child is not the same as going through the pregnancy and delivery of a biological child. That's why it is /so/ important for people who are infertile to really take the time to grieve, resolve the loss and make peace with it before adopting.

My idea is to back off and leave this kind of decision to your sister and her husband. If/when they decide to stop the fertility treatments and adopt, or stop fertility treatments and remain childless, is a decision they need to make without comments from the peanut gallery.

coleluvsdane

Just because she is not fit and 40 doesnt mean pregnancy would make her sick...actually pregnancy can make anyone sick....why do you care? its their money if they want to spend it let them.

aloha.girl59

So? Why is this your problem?

Adoption *IS* about children, not about filling needs for adults. I'm glad your sister recognizes that she wants to mother HER OWN child, not someone else's.

I have unexplained infertility. I adopted my son when he was 2-1/2 through foster care. I wanted to be a mom and giving birth wasn't all that important to me. After I grieved my infertility, I came to this realization and adopted my son. If your sister truly doesn't want to adopt, then I say good for her! No one should have a child out of competition (and it sounds like that's YOUR issue, not hers. After all, YOUR'E the one posting the question) no matter how the child comes into the family.

Sounds to me like your sister has a good head on her shoulders and that YOU are the one with the problem.

LOLchicka1987

she should get an animal

cantstopLinnyG

WTF???
"If you want a baby, go get you one!"

You are unbelievable. It seems like you sister has the brains in that family. Not everyone has the desire to raise another woman's child.

She chose to spend money on IVF, because it's a natural instinct to want to have your OWN child. There is NOTHING natural about adoption.

"Are people so obsessed with the desire to "breed" that they overlook their opportunities to parent? What's up with that?"

Are people so obsessed with the desire to parent that they overlook the needs of a child and just go out and "get them one"? What's up with that?

You need to get a clue, not a baby.

Do some reading about the realities of adoption and how it affects the child and the first Mom:

http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php
http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org
http://www.amfor.net/acs
http://www.keepyourbaby.com/the_primal_w...
http://www.cubirthparents.org/edd/index....
http://www.thegirlswhowentaway.com/
http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php

http://www.youtube.com/user/adoptedthemovie

Books:
The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier
Lost and Found: the Adoption Experience AND
Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness both by Betty Jean Lifton
The Adopted break Silence by Jean Paton
The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler
Adoption: Uncharted Waters,by David Kirschner
Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by David Brodzinsky

****you're the type of woman who should not be a breeder, or a parent.

"Denying our primal instincts in favor of positive social instincts is what makes us human."

Adoption is mostly positive for the non-breeders. Read up on it, because clearly, you have NO idea of what adoption is about. Its about what the child needs- NOT what someone who cannot "breed" needs. You must be new.

tish_part deux

"Adoption is about children, not about filling the voids in misguided adults."

agreed.

â™¥Number One Mamaâ™¥ is TTC..again!

I think that a lot of people want to experience pregnancy and having a bio logical child! There is nothing wrong with that. Let her give up in her own time. Like you said you don't know how hard it is to not be able to get pregnant. Heart breaking to say the least.

You two are in your 40's and are still competitive? That is a little imature dont you think? By that age you sould be able to support her and try to be understanding. I am 23 and have a twin sister and we are more compassionate towards each other than that. I highly doubt her struggle with infertity and going to great lenghs to become pregnant has anything to do with you!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes you want to adopt, but you also have your own biological children already.

Please, put yourself in her shoes. The ability to get pregnant is something a lot of women take for granted. Maybe she does not want to just "Go out and get herself a baby". How can you say that about your own sister. Its not that easy to somebody who can't conceive. Are you jealous of the attention she is getting, because of her struggles with infertility? I am sure she would gladly switch places with you.

EDIT: Dude............you are seriously making NO sense right now at all. WOW I have no idea what you meant by the something in a picnic basket and being 2ft tall. Again.......wow wow wow.

Just to make something very clear......it took us 15 months to conceive and I could have skipped the pregnancy. We wanted a CHILD.

gwhilicker

OMG!!!! People just friggin STOP!!!! Look not everyone/couple is destined to have children . . . plain and simple so accept that! Especially accept it when you have used every God-given piece of technology in the effort and still . . . POOF! . . . no baby. Don't feel sorry for these people . . . its not a curse . . . its the fickle finger of fate or God's will.

Adoption . . . stop trying to force that option on people too! Adoption isn't for everyone. Most people have these romanticized ideas that the baby is from the teen across town. Well hate to tell you but most likely it isn't . . . unless that teen is drug-addicted or brain-addled from too much alcohol - which means the baby is too. Most of these kids come from women in bad situations [jail/prison, drug addicts, alcoholics, abusive relationships, etc...]. How do I know? Hmmm, having worked in a jail for 12 yrs I have seen plenty of adoption paperwork flow through, heard these women cry because foste care took their kids, or talk about giving them up for adoption. The vast majority don't seem all that smart, are using some substance either regularly of semi-regularly. Its a sad existence. These kids are being "screwed" from the start. So, it takes a person/couple with a heart of gold, a Saint, to take on these babies/kids. Down the line you have no idea what kind of personality disorder, learning disability, or mental illness is gonna arise. Its a crap shoot. Can your nuture oversome their [genetic] nature?
I couldn't do it and most other people probably couldn't either, so stop trying to force them.

Laurel J

Mind your own business! People are entitled to form a family or not form one by adoption or the other means of their choice. It's not your money, life, or decision.

How odd you can say adoption is "about the kids" when you admit in your question that your objective is to "expand" your "family."

Got an insulting, patronizing dismissal for silly little ol' me too? I'm one of the impossibly large number of adoptees who belong in that "other one per cent" category.

I actually can not have kids myself..and im going to adopt..im only 24 now so there is plenty of time...but i agree with you in that alot more people should adopt, even if they can have children...but i also understand the desire to have one of my own...my husband has a 5 yr old son with his ex but we've been together 4 years now and i cant lie and say that it doesn't breaks my heart that his ex could give him a child and i cant...they look the alike and act alike and im jealous on the inside that i will never be able to do that for him....ill never get to see what a baby would look like that me and him created...so i understand where shes coming from....but i also want to adopt one day so i understand your point of view too....

threenorns

why should she be obligated to take on someone else's problem?

if it was just a desire to "parent", dogs and cats fit the bill way better - they don't grow up and are way cheaper to house, feed, clothe, and educate.

Debbie

if she really actually wants a child she should consider adoption, if not maybe a dog or cat would be better, but she is not too old to have her own children, women are having children at later and later ages these days, and most pregnancies turn out just fine, anyone who says she's too old to have a child or that it would be dangerous is just wrong. Pregnancy can make anyone sick

red elephants

Really there is nothing you can do but sit back and watch. I can understand your frustration to an extent. If this is completely consuming everyone and there is a constant "oh whoa is me" thing going on that can really get old quickly.

I've personally never understood the IVF bit. Completely not for me. I can have biological kids but am opting to adopt through foster care. If I couldn't get pregnant I would still opt for adoption over IVF. It seems unnecessary to me but I won't stop others from going that route if thats what they feel they need. Adoption is not for everyone and really it does not sound like the proper route for your sister at this point. Its an intense process and adopting without resolving her own emotional issues about not being able to get pregnant can do a lot of damage to the child she is adopting. She shouldn't settle for adoption but should want to do it with all of her heart if that is the path they end up going down.

To me the IVF does sound like a waste of money to keep trying over and over but if they have the finances and aren't begging you for funds every other second then my feeling is that its their money to waste however they wish.

Please do not push her into adoption if that is not where her heart is. You do have the right though to tell her you will not listen to any more complaining about the issue. Sometimes, and I know this from experience with a friend, you just have to say you are really sorry they are going through this but honestly you just cannot listen to it anymore. It will probably sting but sometimes you have to do that for your own sanity.

Caro Wong

my older sister was the same way, she asked me if I would have the baby for her, i declined. Instead she decided to become the god mother of my son, therefor when I pass away she will have my son. I feel bad for your sister, maybe one day she will adopt, maybe she ust doesn't want to right now.

sciontcmas

5 kids is too damn many...if you wanted to adopt you should have started off that way! Secondly its a primal feeling to reproduce....thats fact. Some people can love adopted babies, some dont...its ok if she doesnt thats her right.

breezy

Just be a supportive as you can. I can't imagine the frustration that comes with her situation. There is almost nothing in the world like having children (especially experiencing pregnancy). But on the same note, you might just keep talking to her about adoption. My husband was adopted and has an adopted sister. Their adopted mom could not be happier. And my husband couldnt have had a better life than the one he has had. My mother in law loves her children and grand children like they are biologically hers.

Semper Fi

some people want their own children, and to be pregnant i can compleetly understand that. If she dosent want to adopt thats her decision, all she can do is hope and pray the treatments work for her, because she is 43 dosent have much time left if any to be a parent, if i were her i would consider suragcy (at least biologicly the child will be hers) or adoption

Brandon C

too stubborn for her own good

Lisa A

It's narcisism, not love that drives people to do this. It's not about having a child at all. It's all about them.

Sergeles

It is a very bad idea to have a baby after maybe 35 anyways. Take into consideration that she is way past her peak, and with all the chemicals she is taken to try and make her fertile, there is a very high chance that if she did get pregnant, her baby would be born with down syndrome or autism.
In general, its a very bad idea.

Jay

bring her to an adoption agency just to talk with the people there. maybe they can share stories and inspire her to overlook the fact that the children wont be blood related to her.

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