Natural Mothers in reunion...?

Carol c

My son's mother professed to be supportive initially but apparently became threatened after my son and I met and he seemed to like me so much. He wanted her and his adoptive father to meet me right away, but she told him she couldn't handle it. Apparently he shared with them that he looked like me and the rest of my family, shared the same taste in music, politics and he seemed to fit it with his sense of humor, etc.

His adoptive mother reminded him frequently that he shouldn't think of me as a mother type figure but perhaps like a big sister. She totally confused him and clearly made him feel that she wasn't comfortable with the idea of his having two mothers. Eventually he told me that he couldn't be honest with her because she was so threatened. Interestingly, she had given birth to a biological daughter a couple of years after they adopted him - so it's a bit odd to me that she couldn't understand better.

Eventually we met a couple of times and have communicated over the years but only when there was a crisis with "our" son's drug use. Now that he's no longer using heavy drugs, I don't hear a word and that's just fine with me. I do not need her approval and have no need to go where I am not wanted.

Flying Monkey #073177

Ok I'm not in reunion and my adoptee is 4 years from adulthood and I'm not even gonna talk about him... Ok I'm busting in where I don't belong lol.

My adad was outwardly ok with my reunion, he was hoping to have one of his own with his daughter lost to adoption. He immediately saw my nmom as a family member and went out of his way to make her comfortable. He would even call the house and talk to her but not me lol. My step-amom was another story. She cried to a friend of mine that she felt abandoned, !?!, when I moved in with my mom and that she didn't understand how I could move so far from family, !?!, when my dad had went through the "hell" of raising me.

Now, 10 years later, everyone has accepted it, nobody cringes when I call my nmom MOM and everyone genuinely likes one another. Well except me but I take more getting used to than most ;-) my nmom and her family are all ok with me, the rest tolerate me at best.

Robin

Hi Sly,

Your question is directed to 1st moms ~ I hope you don't mind me answering for my AP's. They were very supportive of my search. Although my A.dad was apprehensive (a bit insecure) about what it might mean to our relationship, he encouraged & supported my search, telling me to "stay in it for your medical records" (at least).

My A.mom is the one who gave me the initial info I needed to begin my search. Once in reunion, my A.dad saw that my reunion was no threat to our relationship. If anything, it reinforced our bond because he supported me in spite of his insecurity. My AP's would ask if I'd seen my 1st parents lately & how they were doing.

My A.dad & both 1st parents have since passed away. I haven't had a relationship with my A.mom since my A.dad died (another story altogether).

I'm an exceedingly grateful for the support my a.parents gave me & the fact that they didn't try to make me feel guilty. Not that they should have, but sadly so many AP's seem to do just that. I was the youngest in my search group - most of my fellow adoptees waited until their AP's had passed away to search. I would have missed out on knowing my 1st parents had I waited.

Great question!

life is like the ocean

The a-mom refuses to believe I exist after 7 years. She is a heavy drinker, and lives in her own little world. If my name is mentioned, she will shut down and pretend that I do not exist.

The a-dad initially never reacted over the reunion. Then we all became g-parents. I have spoken to him a few times since, and he has nothing but nice things to say about the reunion.

The adoptive parents are divorced and have a very stormy aftermath. This has been an ongoing background theme in the reunion. They are so involved in their own betrayals, that I am the least of their worries.

snowwillow20

We were in a closed adoption (1972) so they were assured that I could never find them, well surprise, (2001). My daughters amom came with her to our first meeting, she was mad that we had looked and told us so. Her step dad refuses to meet us, it's been 8 years. My daughter has to keep us totally separate from her other family. It's really kind of sad. Out of respect for her mom, her kids are not allowed to call us Grandma and Grandpa and she will never call me Mom.

So, they were not happy. My daughter was almost 30 when I found her. Old enough to make her own decisions.

sizesmith

After trying to learn about adoption, and talking with my mother-in-law who placed, and my brother-in-law who was placed for adoption, when he wanted to reunite with my MIL, his adoptive mother became quite upset. At the time, he'd had some health issues and it was important. He and she reunited over the phone, in person one time, and the A-mom was making him feel guilty.

She very shortly afterwards died, and still MIL & BIL just don't know each other, and neither goes forward with a whole lot of reunification ideas, but they do talk on the phone some. The siblings have had the best reunification, and my "J" and my brother-in-law talk daily on the phone, and are more like brothers in every sense of the word than the other brother who grew up in the same house.

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