Ok, if my son knows I help his birthfamily in Guatemala just because it's the "right thing to do"...?

BPD Wife

I think you raise an interesting and valid point. There is a flip side to every situation in adoption. For our situation, if I helped my son's birth parents with living expenses or to make a parenting plan, I would probably be contributing to a lifestyle that I do not believe in (but that is solely based on my son's situation - not saying that every adoption is that way).

From a general standpoint, I would worry that if I helped my child's birthfamily, he/she would then feel pressured to have a relationship with them - rather than being allowed to make his/her own choice when they became an adult. I want my child to decide what he/she wants to do and not feel pressured either way. In my opinion, Adoption is about the child and what is best for the adoptee; it is not about the birth parents or adoptive parents and what they "want" or "need".

Gershom

Even if you "didn't" help his surrendering family in Guatemala do you think he'd STILL have a sense of responsibility for their lives ? I know I have a sense of responsibility for my parents who I found after 21 years apart. I will be the one taking care of my mothers and fathers in all of their old ages, all of them, adoptive and blood. Not because I saw my aparents "take care of them" because they didn't, but because they're my family too.

LaurieDB

I grew up being taught an obligation to society in general, anyway. I'm actually glad I feel such a sense of responsibility.

If your son grows up with a sense of responsibility, then good for him!

As far as a sense of responsibility toward my own family -- no matter which family it is -- I think it's normal and healthy to feel that.

Gaia Raain

In some cultures, children feel a responsibility to take care of their parents anyway. Why is that a bad thing?

I remember early on in our adoption journey, we rented a video from netflix. I don't remember the title of it, but if you want me to look it up, I will. Anyway, it was about a woman going to meet her biological family in Vietnam. In Vietnam, children are responsible for taking care of their retired parents, and the more well-to-do family members are responsible for helping the less well-to-do family members. This woman, having been raised in america, was totally overwhelmed when her family kept asking for money from her, and she felt like this was all they wanted from her. But in fact, they didn't understand why it would upset her. This is just the way their culture works. You help your family...period.

She never spoke to them again. How horrible! I would hope that you wouldn't help your son's family "just because" it's the right thing to do. I would hope that you would enjoy fostering a sense of responsibility toward making the world a better place, and showing your son's biological family that you care for more than their son. And showing your son that you care about his family for more reasons than because you wanted to be a mom via their loss.

sunny

If he didn't feel a sense of responsibility, you wouldn't have done a very good job as a mother.

And were you 'helping' him, or yourself?

chielu c

I'm assuming he knows his family in Guat? Why not help them together - allow him to spend time with them so he can understand who he is, where he's from and why he lost his family and was adopted - and who knows....maybe he'll go back to his family that he probably never should have been separated from in the first place....if people had "helped."

jgf5822

he may want to carry it on. you are showing him to care about other people. i wonder if he will resent that you didn't help her to keep him?

wynn

I grew up knowing that my parents were helping out extended family - my family - and don't feel obligated to do anything unless I wish to.

When I decided to help my son's family, this was a concern. But what's the alternative? I didn't want to tell my son "I knew your mother was having more children, and your grandfather needed medicine for tuberculosis, but I didn't want to help them, in case you'd feel like you HAD to later." Didn't sound right.

Look at it this way, I've been helping my son's family for eight years now. In spite of this, He's lost two brothers, and his grandfather. His mother and baby sister are probably HIV positive (because the baby's father is) and I'm trying to arrange to sponsor meds for them. If I do nothing, by the time he's twenty-one, my son might not have any family to feel obligated to help.

But then when he's twenty-one, I'll still be around. It's MY relationship with his mother that involves money, not his. They don't need money from both of us. With any luck, I'll be able to help them for another thirty years or so.

(To clarify, I send very little cash directly, I go through NGOs & sponsor things for them - medicine, job training, school for the children, gifts like livestock & seed)

a healing adoptee

I'm starting to realize that some adoptive parents on here, just want to teach their adopted children to resent their bio-families. That way that child will never go up to look for their bio-families. SHAME ON YOU!! for trying to teach your son to be resentful towards his bio-family. Let him choose his own relantionship with his family. Let him decide if he wants to help out or not, don't teach him to hate his family.

eve

so what you can and your son will grow up to know that he can do what he can. don't do it out of "obligation." do it because you want to, if you want to. then your son will grow up with the ability to distinguish between what he "should" do and what he wants to do. he will make his own decisions when he is older. if anything, you certainly can't use your fear that he will find it necessary to continue to offer them help when he is older just because you have done it now. if you are helping now, that's a good thing and it will have good consequences for your son and his birth family. do what you can and he will grow up knowing how to do what he can -- and he will also understand the reasons and the limits, if you do.

Jennifer L

It's an interesting question. We have exactly the same situation. I think that's something that our children will need to decide for themselves, when they're old enough. I don't think it implies an obligation beyond what any family/cultural obligation towards one's family would be.

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