Ok to adopt...but not choose adoption?

cantstopLinnyG

Most of the people telling you to not "choose adoption" are the ones who have been affected by adoption- adoptees and first Moms. Why? Because we know how it has affected us, and "blah blah blah".

You wont find many adoptive parents "ripping on you" because they are the ones who get the prize- your child.

We choose to do this because we feel a responsibility to educate people that adoption is NOT always what's in the best interest of the child, or the first Mother. Agencies would NEVER tell a first Mother how relinquishing a child will affect her, because no one would ever relinquish a child again.

Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Newborn adoption is a billion dollar industry full of deceit and coercion.

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_fa...

It is scientific fact that a newborn is well bonded to his or her natural
mother. Having a baby taken straight from his mother's uterus and placed into the arms of a complete stranger can cause irreversible damage to the child's psyche.

http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php
http://www.amfor.net/acs

Newborn adoption does not guarantee a child a better life, only a different life. The only children who NEED homes are those in foster care who do not have any natural family members to raise them.

I encourage every first mother and potential adoptive parent to educate themselves as to how adoption will affect them and their child.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOZGwqHVnKs
http://www.keepyourbaby.com/the_primal_w...
http://www.cubirthparents.org/edd/index....
http://www.thegirlswhowentaway.com/

Books:
The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier
Lost and Found: the Adoption Experience AND
Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness both by Betty Jean Lifton
The Adopted break Silence by Jean Paton
The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler
Adoption: Uncharted Waters,by David Kirschner
Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by David Brodzinsky

kidmindi

A lot of adoptive parents and parents looking to adopt get slammed on here too.

Don't let other people make you feel bad about your decision. As long as you know there are resources available if you choose to parent, and you decide to place your child for adoption, that is your business.

I think a lot of people get upset when young women who really want to parent feel forced into adoption because of financial issues not knowing there is help available.

Another thing that alot of people fine upsetting, myself included, is when people come to boards like this trolling for a scared pregnant girl so they can convince her to let them adopt her child.

It's one thing to make an informed choice to place a child for adoption and another to be told you aren't worthy to raise your baby and this nice older well to do couple is.

gypsywinter

The 'choice' is all yours....I would sincerely hope that when you have reached your decision..that your decision to give your baby away was/is based on much soul-searching and educating yourself on the many issues/impact of adoption..not just in regards to yourself, but your baby as well.

""Did anyone think that some mother somewhere had to put her child up for adoption....so those people would have the CHANCE of getting that child? ""

Are you considering adoption for your own child, because you feel you won't be the best mother for your own child? No child should be put up for adoption so that some person/couple somewhere gets the 'chance of getting that child'. No woman on this earth was born to be a 'breeder' of children to pass on to others simply because others want the 'chance' to be parents. This type of adoption scenario is not about the baby/child, this is all about the mother maybe with some martyrdom issues and PAPs seeking to fulfill their own baby needs. A baby is not a 'gift' to be presented to others. I think that is a selfish act on the part of the mother and the PAPs accepting the 'gift' of a newborn. In this type of adoption scenario..would appear to me..the baby is not the priority , but rather the screwed up priorities of the mother and the PAPs..what serves the adults best...not the child.

Do your homework, plenty of it on adoption and then make a well informed/educated choice about choosing adoption for your own child.

Personally I am of the mindset..if you know very early on in your pregnancy you do not want to be pregnant and you are not Pro-Life...get an abortion. I am Pro-Choice...which includes if a mother has really studied all of her choices/options and still decides on adoption...so be it. But always remember..in life...for every action there is a reaction..good, bad or indifferent. Good Luck! Should you decide on adoption...I will hope for your sake, based on your 'educated' choice of adoption, you will not be visiting adoption boards in the future...asking questions that begin with.... 'Why'!

Lori A

The ones telling you it's okay are people looking to adopt them selves or already have. Also some adoptee's who have been adopted and have no desire to find their heritage. The ones telling you not to are the ones who have lived it and are trying to tell you its nothing like what you have been told. It can be your worst nightmare, and cause you years of emotional damage. Whether they be surrendering mothers or adoptee's who have had to live adoption, they are trying to do you a service for free by putting their experiences out there so that people like you , a woman considering surrender, can make an informed decision. No agency is going to tell you what really happens to a woman after surrendering, it would be counter productive for their business, and adoption IS a business.

I sincerely hope you have studied the effects of adoption from all sides before going through with your plan. Adoption will always be necessary but it is not as necessary as what agencies will have you believe. An agencies agenda has nothing to do with placing children in good homes, helping suffering women, or being kind financially to those who wish to adopt. Their agenda is strictly to stay in business.

Hhaha the ones who criticize you for putting your child up for adoption would be the ones telling you to adopt it out instead of abort, they have no idea what they believe really

Sherry Babyy

It's because some people view it as being careless. They think that the mother must have been irresponsible & sleeping around & is just giving her child away because she doesn't want the responsibility of having a child.

I completely disagree with that though. Putting your own child up for adoption so that they can have a good life is the best gift that you can give them. Many women want their child to have a good chance at life & a loving family instead of growing up in the bad situation they may be in.

<3

Leah

Ok, maybe I'm biased because I am in the care system, for adoption and fostering, but I really don't see how any mother could just give her child away, please please make sure your child will get a loving home, think of all the heartache for children who have grown up not knowing what a loving home is.

Tati

i think the best and most selfless thing a woman that KNOWS she cant provide the best life for her child IS to place them up for adoption, you are giving your child a chance at a better life than you are able to provide... personally i cant think of a time where i'd read someone was 'bashed' for giving up a baby... i have heard the "there are ways you could keep it" argument but never out right bashing... i believe you that it has happened, and it is just dumb on those people's parts... no abortion, no adoption... sorry you eliminate both these choices and a hell of a lot of children are going to be raised by people that just don'twant them which will lead to abuse, neglect and abandonment... an to say since a person was irresponsible and got pregnat they should have to raise it is just plain idiotic... they cant handle taking care to not get pregnant and you want them raiseing a child?!?

...ummm i didnt mean anything up there as a negative slam against you just the people that say adoption is wrong i happen to understand people sometimes do have "stupid" moments... that's how i conceived my twins :)

Randy B

Actually, if you take a look at the names of those "ripping" people for placing a child for adoption and those who think it's great you will most likely see two different sets of user names. Like any issue there are always two or more sides and the responses you see are usually from either one of those sides. Everyone has an opinion and they chose to answer the questions they feel passionate about. I suspect a question like this may be the only one where you will see some names from both sides weighing in.

I'd worry if I saw the same names taking both sides though.

LaraSue

Hang around this section long enough and you will see that is it certainly NOT ok to want to adopt! Adoptive parents and perspective adoptive parents are vilified here just as much as "first" mothers( Have to make sure you use the proper term!)
The only ones who are not vilified here are the mothers who were coerced out of their babies, or adoptive parent who absolutely toe the party line here and completely agree with the very narrow parameters set by a few individuals who have taken over this section for a long time now.

You are the only one who can choose what is best for you and your baby. I would highly recommend exploring all your options before choosing. Also know that once your baby is born you may decide to keep your child. And that is perfectly ok!
If you do choose adoption, you do not have to justify your choice to anyone, especially here.

ponytails07

Big hug to you! I was adopted and have chosen to adopt my children as well. I appreciate all the women out there that are selfless and giving enough to put their kids in an adoptive home. I had a great family and hope to give the same back to my (future) kids. Thank you! Sheri

just for fun

Its best for the child, to give it a good home.

coguy

First of all I am sure you are keenly aware it is way better to not get pregnant if you know you are not able for whatever reason to care for that child.Hopefully all of us learn from mistakes that we make! I want you to know I am VERY PROUD of you to choose to not make a second mistake and have an abortion!! "Two wrongs never make a right!!" I am also impressed that you are willing to give that child a chance at life that you evidently believe you can't provide! To those of you who are throwing all kinds of verbal abuse, may I remind you of the words of Jesus, "Let him that is without sin cast the first stone!" In other words, only those among us who never make mistakes have any right to point an accusing finger at another persons wrongdoing. This world would be a much better place if we would live by the golden rule - Do unto others as you would have them do unto you! Ok - nuf said.....

greeneyedmom

I think that placing your baby in a loving adoptive home when you can't provide that for them yourself is one of the most selfless and heroic things that you could do. Is it heroic because it will be easy for you and you will never have any problems again? No. It is heroic BECAUSE it will be hard for you, but you are willing to face the difficult times ahead for the sake of your baby. That is my opinion based on my experiences, and everyone has a right to their opinion.

I know that others have the opposite opinion based on their personal views or experiences. However, you don't have to let other people's opinions make you feel good or bad. If you feel sure that your baby will have a better life in this loving adoptive home than you could give that baby yourself, then it is the right decision for you to place the baby for adoption. I think that you should be proud of yourself and hold your head up. You are very brave, and I wish you luck and happiness in your life.

AdoreHim

Great question, my friend. If you know for sure that placing your child for adoption is the best for you child, then by all means do it. If it was not for my birth mother doing that , I am not sure that I would be here right now- not sure about my 2 adopted children either. I know that some people say that is always best to have the biological mom raise the child, and in some instances it is, however, if it is better for you and your child, by all means do that. Thank God that you are not thinking about abortion. I have heard here also that sometimes abortion is better than placing for adoption. Not true.
EDIT- doesn't surprise me in the least that people are giving me thumbs down for this one. I guess I should not admit that I adopted, bad thing to do around here, I guess.

snowwillow20

The reason I tell women to keep their children is because I've been there done that. I know how it screws you up and scars you for life, adopting someone usually doesn't do these things, usually the person who adopts is happy and ecstatic to adopt.

holy molar :)

I can only say what I've ran into, and that's ignorant people who still live by this code "If you lay down and get pregnant, you must be an adult and take care of what you created." What people seem to forget is that adoption is a way of owning up to what's happened and doing what's best for the child at hand. Adoption isn't easy, but I would have to say none of the options are easy and it takes a lot of research and thinking in order to make up you're mind.

I know a few people who have been through the adoption process and placed their daughter's with great families. In the end, it's nobody's choice but your own. Don't let anyone discourage you or make you feel as if you are a bad person or mother because of the choice you make.

ITS A BOY!! Due August 17th 2009

Its not bad to put your baby up for adoption if you truly cannot afford to take care of it. Its better than choosing abortion.

adoption is the loving option

crzymmof8

There seems to be a lot of anger on here. I don't know why. I am from an adoptive home (my parents adopted my brother and he is so awesome and happy not unhappy about being adopted) and I am an AP. We have been so blessed by being able to adopt. I don't know why people crucify people who are making this decision but encourage people who are trying to adopt. You need to do what is truly right for you in your situation...don't let anyone make you feel evil for whatever decision you make. I feel sad at some of the awful things said on here to people they don't deserve it.

Dark Serenity

It's not bad to put your child up for adoption. It's an alternative to abortion (which is still a person's choice, btw), and every child deserves to get a family prepared for it who fully wants it.

John

don't listen to them. if you cannot provide for your child then give it for adoption, i'm sure a loving capable family will give it the life it deserves.

leila

I've noticed the stigma as well. when babies are put up for adoption I think that most people think that the mom wants the baby. and then they think if you want your baby you should not give it up.
most children adopted in the US are adopted via foster care. these are parents who lost their rights due to abuse, neglect or death. this is why some celebrate adoption.
Don't worry what people say. you are doing a great thing!!

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