Okay, I want to find a family to adopt my unborn child but??

julie j

Hi XOXOX,

You don't mention how far along in your pregnancy you are. It might be hard right now to visualize your unborn child as an actual human being at this point. This baby will grow up and will want & deserve the same rights that you have, regardless of who has legal custody of them. Everyone wants to know who they are & where they came from. If you were adopted, you would want that as well.

If you choose to bring a child into the world, it entails a minimum amount of responsibilities to that child. If you can't bear to have your child come back to you later, perhaps you should consider not leaving your child in the first place. Nobody can guarantee you that your child is not going to want to know their natural family. That is not the point of closed adoption anyways.

Closed adoptions are not for parents who are trying to avoid any moral responsibilities to their children. Closed adoption is arguably unneccesary in any case other than for the safety of children who might otherwise be abused by their parent. Even then, all that is needed is protecting the child, not erasing his/her heritage. Closed adoptions are unkind institutions to impose upon anyone. A parent has an obligation to see that the child's material needs as well as moral ones are met.

I would suggest waiting until after the birth of your baby to see how you feel then. Explore all your other options, including parenting your child in case you change your mind, as many women do, after the birth. I think you should give yourself the benefit of the doubt before you determine that you are unable to be a mother. There is plenty of assistance out there. Age is not a factor in getting help to be a parent. You might also want to consider a kinship adoption if you or the child's father have relatives where the child could grow up & still have a connection to their family.

I'll leave you with this thought: There's a reason so many adoptees search for their roots. It's a real human need. Parents who think they are giving "everything" to their child yet fail to recognize this need, are denying something huge to their child. That is not right. You still have a chance to make better choices. Thank you for asking. Thank you for considering all of this.

julie j
reunited adoptee

ralf

I know this all sounds scary but take it from me, the result of a closed adoption who at 36 was just found by my birth mother and sister, We aren't going to come looking for a "mother", we wont want to show up and move in or make you wreck your whole life or any of those things. We will already have a family. Mom who raised us will be Mom... but you will be the person who gave birth to that baby, the one who he or she grew out of. That bond is so powerful it doesn't just go away.

We will want to know you. We need to know where we came from. To look at your face and see how we look like you. To know if we need to worry about medical issues. I had no medical history and it turned out I needed to know a lot. I almost died before I found out that my mother has serious type 1 diabetes and whoops so do I. At least I know her history now though and what to expect.

Its just as big to me to find out that I have 2 sisters and a brother. They all want to know me, in fact after I had given up it was my sister who found me. Someday you will have more kids, hopefully when you ARE ready and someday you will look at them and think oh my god, they have a big brother or sister out there who is "lost" and they will never know them. Do they have a right to know? They would certainly tell you they do and will want to know.

Nobody is going to make you spend all kinds of time mothering when you aren't ready but if you sever all ties with the family that adopts your baby then you will likely never be able to find them when you are ready. People who can afford to adopt typically don't stay in one place forever. There is a national and even a global labor market. I might be moving to China for work, at the very least I went from Ohio where I was adopted to Holland, to NC, to FL, to Connecticut, to FL, to Washington state... now maybe to China. My sister would never have found me if I went last year instead of next as planned.

As for wanting things or money... I make more money than my entire bio family combined. I don't want anyTHING from them. Only for them to be in my life.

Just imagine, you could be like an aunt or a cool big sister or something and you can see what happens to them. Watch them grow up and become their own person. Take it from the other people on here posting answers who gave up their children, you might not think its a big deal now but you will later. My bio mother was not ready to raise a child but after she had me then held me for 3 days and her father made her give me up she said it was the most difficult thing she ever had to go through. She thought about me every day of my life. She doesn't even know who my father was. She was totally embarassed to admit that to my Mom. Talk about not ready. But she needed to know about me just as badly as I needed to know about her.

If you weren't worried about the baby or care what happens to it then you wouldn't go through this pregnancy and deliver right? Just think of what it will do to it if you give it away and it never gets to know that you cared but weren't ready. The child will grow up and think it wasn't good enough. It wasn't loved, that you threw it away. Those thoughts were so hard for me to deal with but they are always there beneath the surface if you don't know the truth from the source (youre the source, where the baby came from) I loved my mother even when I didnt know who she was, I was scared that she would reject me if I found her (she was scared of the same thing it turned out) but I would never had crashed her wedding for example or something that could have wrecked her life or hurt her. No adopted person wants to have a psychologically violent reunion. No matter how long you look you are Soooo careful when the time comes to meet or make yourself known.

You shouldn't worry about later when they come looking. In fact by then you will probably be begging god that they find you and you can hug them and see them. Even if you have a "closed" adoption you should do something so that when they are old enough (and think about how different you will be in 18 or 20 (or 36) years). You will be all adult and able to handle things), they can find you or you can find them. At the very least just stay in contact with the new parents. Or make a scrap book with pictures of you and everything you like to do and books you liked, draw pictures in it and tell everything about you, give them that and let them hide it away until someday when the child needs to know those things they can give it to them. You can always meet them somewhere private and say that you weren't ready then and you still aren't but at least you will answer their questions and they can see you for that one day. Trust me though when that time comes you wont be able to send them away again.

We need to find our birth parents because we are lost. Please don't curse your unborn baby with that feeling for the rest of its life because you are a little scared now.

snowwillow20

Even though you think you are doing the right thing, down the line, you might find out how hard it is to live with that decision, you might also decide to you want to find your child, so please leave your options open.

Lori A

Nothing, hopefully by the time your child is old enough to search the laws will be changed and your child will have full access to their original birth certificate. Besides there is a very good chance as you get older you will change your mine about this. You do realize you are cutting them out of any medical history they may need as they grow up and many more things.

Why is it you think your too young? Who convinced you your not ready? There is only one way to find out how hard doing this really is. I don't recommend it.

Wait until the child is born see if your maternal instincts kick in. If you are going to do an adoption do an opened one for your child. It is cruel what you are considering. You are only thinking of yourself right now. I don't mean that in a bad way, your concerned with your own affairs and not your childs. It's hard to see so far down the road. Reconsider, there's a reason they all want to find their first parents. It is the missing link to who they are.

In reunion for almost 9 years now.

grapesgum

Welcome the reality of parenthood. Once you become a parent it is something that you can't take back. I know that is blunt but that is the way it is.

It's not all about you anymore. Life for you now is all about your child. Your child did not choose to be here. It is a decision that you made. Sorry but you need to put what you want aside and put your child first. Your child has the right to know you.

MamaKate

Dear XOXO,

I am so sorry you find yourself in such a tough spot. You've had plenty of people tell you that you need to see this from your child's prespective and warn you about the feelings you may have later so I will refrain from doing both, HOWEVER, I wanted to say this to you:

In my humble opinion, bringing a child into the world and choosing not to raise him or her, bestows upon you a new set of "moral responsibilities" - nor does not (or will it) relieve you of the "responsibility" to feel, worry, love or care about your child - as much as the idea and laws of adoption may seem to do. It will not keep you from hurting or grieving or suffering over your child. Your heart, mind and body will ALWAYS know.

It is YOUR responsibility to be honest with your child if they ever wish to know the whos and whys of their existance. You made the decision to create him or her, with your blood, your breath, and your DNA. They are as much a living, breathing part of you as you are of them. As the creator of a child, at the very least you OWE your child, this PERSON you have made, the opportunity to know the truth of their creation - especially if you choose not to be an active part of his or her life. He or she has had NO choice, NO voice, NO say at all in having first been born and second to be separated from you. He or she will grieve your loss and deserves to have as much from you as you are able to give. Adoption only makes you an "unparent" on paper. -Please consider this in your decision.

corcoranfaire

My husband and I are foster/adopt parents. We have sometimes seen parents who shouldn't be around a child, but unless there is abuse or some other reason, we feel that contact with the parents is best for the child. Children are curious and a big part of who they are is where they came from. We all change as we grow. Maybe reading about adoptees will help you see why it is important.

I have seen some posts of prospective adoptive parents who would love a closed adoption so they can be that childs "only" parents. However, it just makes you wonder whos needs they are putting first. I hope you reconsider having a closed adoption for your child and for you 20 years from now. Good luck!

Kelly M

Normal adoptees will always want to find their mother. How could they not?

So I guess you're screwed!

PhilM

That isn't fair to your child. You won't be young forever. They have a right to know who you are. You can slam the door in their face if that's the sort of person you are, but stripping them of their identity and heritage is not fair to them. If you cannot deal with the consequences of giving birth, you should have an abortion. I, personally, think you shouldn't have an adoption, but if you choose that route, no one can guarantee your anonymity. And frankly, you don't know how you'll feel in twenty years.

Heather B

There is, and never has been, any guarantee of annonymity.

Adoption is not the witness protection program and everyone has the right to freedom of association.

Don't worry, adoptees who search are not looking for new mommy's and daddy's; nor are they harassers or stalkers. Their just regular people searching for the truth of their origins.

M.L.C.M

Either keep it or open adoption. Do you right thing???? how about letting your child know his own MOTHER who bore him. duh

sk8ermom

Closed adoption is the worst thing for a child. Why wouldn't you want contact with your child? You know, you may be scared. It is common for girls to say they want a closed adoption and then go on to wanting contact.
An agency will often try to talk you in to contact too. Even if just pictures and letters.

IDK!!

It's just qa matter of time before all adoptees will have access to their God given history.

If you don't want a relationship, down the road, then it's as easy and telling your child the truth.

You might change your mind about contact, but it may be too late.

Ina S

So dear,u weren't to young to f**k,but u are too young to rise a baby.believe me ,when u will be older u will regret it,u will regret that nobody stoped u,don't do this,u have enough time to change your mind.at the begining will be difficult,but that everything will be ok.don't take the most impotent right of your baby:to grow up near u,to be loved by u! thing about this

sunny

Is it too late for an abortion?

If so, please keep your kid. Being adopted blows.

And the kids always come back. There's no hiding anymore.

Oh, and your mailbox will be full soon from vultures lookin' for a kid.

Jessica A

Exactly that, have a closed adoption, althought nowadays alot of adoptees are trying to gain rights to find their parents. I guess its because anyone would wonder why you chose adoption over keeping them..I gave up my baby girl when she was 2 months old ( I was 15 ). Here is the catch though: I gave her to friends of the family. She may know who I am, I have a semi open/closed adoption. I recieve pictures but don't visit and if she ever needs me I am here...for medical or emergancy reasons. You can always write him/her a letter and leave it with the adoptive parents saying why you gave him/her up, and that while you loved carrying them you do not want to be a parent so please don't look for you. Its harsh, but the truth. I wrote something similiar for my daughter ( only said if she needed help to look to her new parents to find me ). You could also try to get the people who are going to adopt to sign a confidentiality ( sp? ) agreement outside of the adoption process. Just a thought, good luck. It will be tough! I had no love for her in my womb, but 2 weeks after giving her up I still tried to get her back. Now I am glad I didn't.

Janine A

First you should not try finding a adoptive family online you will set yourself up for a lot of strange email. Second you need to speak with a counselor and talk about your options. There are many before you go into adoption think about your future, I was 18 when I decided to give up my child. If I knew then what I know now. I can never find my child because I gave up those right long ago. That was the only child I will ever be able to have. I found out three years ago that I will never have my own child and the child I had at 18 I will never be able to find. Don't set yourself up for these to happen to you. You really should find a counselor in your area. Go to a planned parenthood facility could help they have a lot of helpful resources there for expected mother.

I am currently looking into adopting but would never try to find a birth mother online.

chelsea s

I think it is very good of you to realize you aren't ready to parent, and are choosing adoption. That takes a lot of courage. But please reconsider your want of a closed adoption. Don't think you will forget this child. As your pregnancy progresses, you will form a bond with him or her. It hurts so much when you don't know where they are, what they look like, if they are happy, etc. But if you chose an open adoption neither you nor your child will have that pain of not knowing. You can choose how open you want the adoption. You can choose the parents, which feels more secure than just letting it be random. What if people you wouldn't want to be your parents end up with your baby?

I know it feels now like it may hurt to hear about your child, or see pictures. But believe me, it will hurt more to wonder.

I chose a very open adoption for my son. I wouldn't have done it had it been any other way. And I am so happy with it. I really like the adoptive parents, and they have done so much for me. It is like we are a family now.

Dark_Fire_Angel

I know what you mean about that cause i knew adoption was the right choice for me as well. My suggestion would go to a agency i went to a place called catholic social services. I did however choose open adoption i just feel in love with her and wanted to be in her life. With open adoption you can have as little or as much contact and you and the adoptive parents see fit and you get to choose the adoptive parents i was lucky to have found some great ones. Maybe who knows like some of the people have said you might want to have some contact so you at least have the option. But if you do want a closed adoption then yes you do have the right to seal off you records mine are open though if by some chance me and my daugther ever got separated. But what i would do if you choose that path write them a letter explaining why you dontwant to be found and why your choosing this path and give them as much about yourself and medical history as you can. Whatever you deiced i really hope it all goes well for you.

Renee King

Just find a couple who is willing to do a closed adoption. But allow them all the information you have on your family. Write a letter to your child explaning why you choose a closed adoption, but keep a door open with the parents incase you ever change your mind.

James&Kelly

Dont let anyone push you into anything.

You could do a semi-open adoption where you agree with the adoptive parents as to the amount of contact. My husband and I want to adopt and (we're going through fostercare) if we do a domestic adoption we're fine with that. It could be something like pictures every year, or pictures twice a year along with a letter. It gives you more options. You can have the contact go through the agency. Say 10 years from now the child and adoptive parents want to meet you, they can send word through the agency and then its up to you. Its okay to want a closed adoption, it is. But a few years from now you might change your mind and wish you knew how your baby was doing. I know that not all adoptive parents follow through with the semi-open plan, but thats why its important to pick your adoptive family carefully.

Please dont let anyone make you feel bad for making this choice, no one else knows whats best for you.

ELMO

My Advise to you is, do what you think is right for the child. If you think that another family can give your child the best opportunities in life and support your child to the fullest. Then I agree. Most of the people that are against this is only because either they can have their own kids, or never have been poor before. Nobody can force you to not do what you think is right in your heart. I wish you all the luck in the world. Just pray and have the support of your friends and family and your child will be okay. After you do this...become the best person you can in life.

m'smama

You need to find an agency that only does closed adoptions. Here's one I found when I was researching different agencies (but we ended up going to with a different agency and an open adoption). http://www.lifelineadoption.org/templates/cuslifeline/default.asp?id=26708

But you might want to think about how you might feel in the future - and leave the door open to future contact if you desire that when you get a little older.

Crucio

There is nothing you can do to prevent your birthchild from searching you out one day. That said should your birthchild contact you one day does not mean you have to accept this contact. What I would do is provide the PAP with any medical history/heritage information, write a letter to the child of why you decide to place him/her for adoption, maybe include a few photographs, a little information about the childâ€™s natural grandparents. Things that you like to do, weird traits maybe you tap your hands when youâ€™re nervous, twirl your hair in some way. I would also include the name of the father and his last location. Then the child has information/answers and may not be as inclined to search for you. Grant it the child may still decide to search, but again you do not have meet with your birthchild unless you want too.

I applaud you since you know you could not be responsible for a child so you are giving the child parents who are prepared for parenting. Instead of deciding to kill an innocent baby that did not ask to be conceived. Do not feel bad if I ever placed a baby for adoption I would not want it to be open either, but I would provide the child with as much information that I felt would be helpfully or beneficial to the child and his or her new family.

Who knows years later you may want to search for your birthchild or be happy if he /she searches and finds you, were talking years from now probably at least 18+. Heck for all you know the child may have no interest in searching for you, I never have had interest in searching for my biological â€œfamilyâ€, I see no need the woman who gave birth to me is not my mother, in many ways she was no more then a vessel. Her daughter and any other kids she may have had since i was born are not my siblings. I know Iâ€™m not the only adoptee [with no desire to search] even if we are a smaller percentage then those who decided to one day search.

Shelly P. Tofu, E.M.T.

You're in a tough place right now, and I feel sorry for you

First off, ignore those who imply that abortion (if possible) would be better than adoption.. I think I just threw up a bit in my mouth.. People who would suggest that murdering your child is preferable to relinquishing are NOT mentally stable, and I have seen other evidence of that from these specific posters.. I know for a fact that, though they've "lived" adoption and claim they are the ONLY ones who "understand" what adoptees go through, they do NOT have a balanced view.. they take their experience and judge the whole concept of "adoption." So they're not going to give you balanced answers.

Secondly, parenting your child yourself is always the BEST choice.. It will be hard... but there are a multitude of programs and support systems that will enable you to be a good mother, finish school (even college) It may take a bit longer, it won't be easy.. but you won't regret it.

Thirdly.. no one can tell you what's right for you in adoption vs parenting. You have to think of your child first,. If you really feel that adoption is what is right for your baby, don't let others make you feel bad about your decision. As for searching for you later, that's not something to be scared of... as you grow up you very may well want to find your child too!! Most firstmothers do! And, as the other posters said.. your child isn't going to barge in on your life and ruin it or change it.. they're simply going to want to know what you're like.. what you look like, how the two of you are alike..and medical history (which is very important... and P.S. since you're sitll very young, you may not be aware NOW of all medical conditions that could affect you and your child later in life.)

So take a few months to think it over.. I don't reccomend a closed adoption.. Don't commit yourself to anything... don't worry about that "knock on the door down the road". You'll probably welcome it.. Keep your chin up.. and make the best decision you can, as a fallible human being.

AdoreHim

I am adopted and have 2 adopted children myself- one birth mom said it our son wanted to find her , she would be fine with that- and by the way he has- and our daughter's birth mom made it very clear to our attorney and to us, that she wanted complete separation- so you can make that clause like she did- however you may want to change your mind later, which you have every right too.

sizesmith

Hello,
There are many people who say go through agencies. I've heard nightmare stories of how they lie to people and avoid them.

Looking on-line can be dangerous. If you do find someone online, make sure they have a home study done, prior to making contact with you. Make sure they can provide references that can be verified, with something like a proven, listed phone number.

If you truly believe this is best, you can place the baby with someone and know who they are if you change your mind later on. Do give your child a medical history as far as you know it, such as, if your father ever had heart disease etc. Keep a copy of every paper you sign, and keep a copy of where the child goes to, that way you'll have the information if you ever do desire to re-unite later on. There are happy re-unions, even 45 years later. My other half re-united with his older brother (he's 43/brother 48) this past weekend, and their mother knew who it was when he asked if she did. You might decide you never want it, but if you close the door to it totally, you can't reopen it, but if you leave an escape route, you'll have a way to get back through in the future if you decide to. There are people like myself who would do anything to adopt a child. I have a 9 month old who I adopted, and it has made my life the best ever. We offered open adoption, however, the 1st mom decided to not follow it. I honor her decision, and although it's not what I want, I respect her, and I understand. My main concern is my son, who I would do ANYTHING to protect and love. I'd love to be considered to adopt, and I can be contacted.

Mike G

Second smartest thing you can do is give up this baby to a loving couple.

The first would have been not to get knocked up.

barnes.nicholas91

idk how old you are or when and if you have already had your baby. if you really cant keep the baby then give the baby to a couple that really wants a kid that cant have one. like my gf and i.. i am adopted but i got to know my real dad at 16 and he really blows. email me if you would like to talk..

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