Open Adoptions?

grapesgum

It will not be hard to find a family who says they "are willing to consider an open adoption". They only say that because they know it is very unlikely that they will get a baby if they don't. In reality, they want nothing to do with so-called "birth" families because adoptive parents think they are economically and/or morally superior to people who have unplanned pregnancies. And they want to pretend that the baby is "as if born to them".

The real difficultly is figuring out who will keep open adoption agreements. It is estimated that 80% of open adoptions close. Some are closed by adoptive parents because open adoptions are not legally enforceable so they can close it and get what they really wanted in the first place - a closed adoption. Some are closed by the natural parents (I refuse to use the term "birth" parents because the adoption industry uses it degrade the natural parent-child relationship.) because they realize that open adoption still means loss for the parent and child and they simply cannot handle the pain.

Quoting a pediatrician - "I have to be honest, however. In my experience as a pediatrician, many adopting couples eventually want the birth mother to drop out of the picture." That matches my experience - My daughter's best friend was duped into an open adoption. She got all of the usual promises and the couple disappeared as soon as the adoption was final. A woman and my neighborhood basically sold her grandchild to a couple who promised open adoption. Her daughter was cut out of the "openness" through a deal between the grandmother and the adoptive couple. She went off to college and flunked out due to depression. The couple moved across the country and now "grannie" is cut off too. Another friend was trying to work through her unplanned pregnancy and was considering giving her baby away to "friends of a friend" who wished to remain anonymous until the baby was adopted THEN they would have an open adoption. She found out through another friend that the couple had no intention of opening the adoption. My friend kept her baby.

Do your parents know about their grandchild-to-be? How do they feel about your sister giving her baby away? How do your feel about losing your niece/nephew from your family? The father also has the right to be involved in the decision. Having a baby does not mean your sister cannot graduate from college.

I strongly recommend that your sister read this brochure that gives a more balanced view of adoption than the clap-trap, â€œadoption is just wunnerfulâ€ garbage that she will hear from adoption agencies:

"What you should KNOW if you are considering adoption for your baby."
http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pdf

As a future aunt, you should read it too.

Eta - I also suggest that you and your family read this article about the Vanderbilt University student, Mary Cady Ford, who became pregnant in her junior year. She was disgusted that the only options that her university supported were abortion and adoption. NO help with parenting. She kept her baby and graduated. Her sorority sisters helped her with her baby. She has started a foundation to help other single mothers finish school.

http://sitemason.vanderbilt.edu/vanderbiltview/articles/2008/06/01/birth-of-a-leader.56055

LaurieDB

One thing she really needs to think about is that just because a family agrees to an open adoption doesn't mean it will stay that way. Open adoption agreements are not legally enforceable. An adoptive family can close the adoption at any time. Some have actually closed the adoption within days of the adoption finalizing. Yes, there are adoptive families who honor these agreements, but there are those who don't, as well. Some have even admitted that the only reason they said they would agree to an open adoption was to get a child faster. There are all sorts of people out there, and your sister has no idea what will happen after those adoption papers are signed.

Now then, does your sister really not want her child, or is she just afraid she can't complete college and be a mom at the same time? Lots of women do both. It takes longer and it's obviously more difficult, but in the long run, she doesn't lose her child over what amounts to nothing more than some extra time. My point is that if college is the only thing that is making her consider adoption, and otherwise she would want to parent, then there are lots of ways of doing both. Most college campuses even have day care.

If she really doesn't want to parent no matter what, then she needs to make sure to consider that open adoptions are not legally enforceable, and she may end up with a closed adoption whether she wants it or not.

Just some things to consider.

Lillie

Does she know that there is grant money available for single parents? Does she know that many colleges have on-site day care, and offer many programs aimed specifically at helping parents to attend college while balancing the demands of raising children?

Having a baby doesn't mean she has to give up her child. I was able to finish my B.A. degree while working FULL time AND raising my son while pregnant with my daughter.

It can be done. MILLIONS of people do it every day.

greydoc6

Your sister should go to an agency that handles open adoptions. There she can get proper counseling. There are many childless couples who are willing to participate in open adoptions. In fact, it's the commonest form of adoption of babies born to American mothers.

I have to be honest, however. In my experience as a pediatrician, many adopting couples eventually want the birth mother to drop out of the picture.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

ALL parties involved are kidding themselves if they think for ONE SPLIT second that this will result in an "open adoption".

hahahahahaha!!!!!!!!

mark my works and come complain to me in a year or so.

jessica300

Well, I just posted this information in response to another question, but thought you might like to pass it on to your sister.

http://www.angelfire.com/or/originsnsw/openadoption.html
"Just as the peak suicide rate in Australian women coincided with the peak adoption period, suicide and attempted suicide is not uncommon amongst mothers who are part of the new open adoption practice."

She should also read:
http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/wish.html

And she should know that women who have surrendered have a 40-50% chance of experiencing infertility. In other words, this may be her only child.

I lost my only child to adoption in 1984.

There is help out there for your sister to keep her child with her even while going to college. Many colleges have programs that help women with child care while they attend classes. I did get my college education long after losing my child to adoption. There really is no comparison between gaining a few years of education and missing your child's entire childhood.

Adopted Jane

Have a read of my blog post listed in the source below

Promises Made. Promises Broken = Open Adoption

I wrote about open adoption somewhere else on my blog too ......

Its just a con, and its a mind stuffing for the child. Can you imagine how hard it would be for the child as they grow up?

cakitcat2

Where is the father of her baby in all of this? Is he agreeable to an adoption. It is very important that he be included in this decision. It is his child too. Maybe he would be willing to help raise the baby. His family may be willing to help. Be sure to consider them in the decision. If you don't it can cause a lot of problems for everyone in the future.

Rachel: Wanting To Conceive #1

I think that it could go either way with an open adoption. I think that is a great way to keep in touch and to be sure that your child is getting the up-bringing it deserves. But also at the same time if she has it and can't find someone who is interested in an open adoption, is she up for taking care of it?

sk8ermom

There are less families that like open adoption. 80% are semi open with pictures and letters once or twice a year. 20% are open with visits. Closed adoptions are very rare anymore. so, less people but still plenty to choose from.
It is VERY important that she knows open adoption agreements are not enforceable. The adoptive family can close the adoption for any reason at any time. The best thing to do is find a family that already has an open adoption with one child and get referrences from that Birthparent.
You should encourage your sister to keep her child by finding out what kinds of services are available to her. There may be free child care while she is at school or other programs. Adoption always seems like a good idea short term but it will effect her and her child for the rest of their lives. What happens in 4 years when she has graduated and is missing her child? I hope you can help her out. Help with the baby and stop her from making a big mistake by helpping her look at all her options! Thanks and God bless.

snow flake

Families looking to adopt will promise your sister just about anything in order to get there hands on her baby...open adoption, visits, pictures, letters, phoncalls, etc.

Just so she knows, NONE of it is legally enforceable. That means that after she signs away her rights to her baby, they can disappear and never contact her again...and there's NOTHING she can do about it.

This happens to first mothers all the time. They are promised open adoption, and then within a few months or years...the adopting families close off contact.

Toni

Hopefully not! I have child that was adopted at birth, and although the birth parent requested the adoption be closed, I know that I would welcome the contact at this point. I personally see it as a benefit for the child to have a healthy relationship with the birth parents. My oldest child was adopted out of foster care and we have been able to establish some contact with her first family for her. The majority of her healing has occurred because she knows that we support her and believe in her right to know her first family.

If you sister wants an open adoption, she should be aware that not all the states will enforce an open adoption agreement. In other words, after the adoption in finalized, the adoptive parents can cut the 1st mom out. Make sure she checks on the laws in her state.

hispregnantwife!

most open adoptions become close here is a website she can research http://www.exiledmothers.com/
heres some of the information it gives that open adoption is not legally binding and many of the people who adopt (not all) use it as bait. PLease be sure she researches ALL of her options whether she knows it or not the baby is not the problem her situation is. there is plenty of help availble to mothers . no its not hard to find people willing to say open adoption but 80 percent become closed its a gamble!

VFAvey

Open adoptions are not enforceable, but they are much more common these days. Normally open adoptions are most common when a child is adopted by another member of the birth parent's extended family (aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc.). For more information on the subject, check out the following website: http://www.adoptionchildwelfarelaw.org/

Good luck!

Crucio

Your sister simple needs to find a couple who also wants to have an open adoption. Itâ€™s really that simple some birthparents do not want an open adoption thus their going to look for a couple who also does not want an open adoption.

Your sister may want to think about what kind of open adoption she wants to have. There are some open adoptions that are very open, the adoptive and birthfamilies literally become extended family. Spending holidays, birthdays even family vacations together. There are some where birthparents only get some photos and updates maybe 3 times a year, generally this is called semi-open. Others might get together once or twice a year, some may do once a month or every few months. The think about OA is that in most cases you can always get more openness or less openness. Sometimes a SOA might become an OA.

There always need to be boundaries on both sides.

Sadly in some OA it is not honored and it can be either side (AP or BP) most states do not legally enforce OA there is really not much one can do if their birthchilds parents decided to discontinue an open adoption. Some also make false promises with no intention of doing an open adoption this is just a risk of OA and your sister should be aware of it. There are some families that true do want an OA and honor it. There are some who want it but the BP donâ€™t honor it.

Bouvier

I believe that more and more adoptive couples are becoming more educated on the benefits of open relationships, not only for their child, but for them as well.

In some instances this is not the case, however, I am a believer that the majority of open relationships are good ones.

GEE-GEE

Not at all. I adopted almost 4 years ago and am on a waiting list now. I love having open adoption with my first son. It is great because the baby will grow up still knowing his natural family and will not grow up having all the :"how come" or "why" questions. It is also great for the birth mother because she can still come over and see the child, and not have to always wonder how they are doing.

chelsea s

I'm sure most of the answerers to your question either tried to convince you to convince your sister not to put her child up for adoption, or said that it isn't possible to have an open adoption. (I didn't bother reading them.) Know that people with negative experiences always make their voices the loudest.

Now, I put my son up for adoption, for similar reasons. His first birthday was just a couple of days ago, and I don't regret it. In fact, I think it is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I choose the adoptive parents early in the pregnancy and got to know them very well. I know they have the same values, and all the knowledge I hope to have when I am their age. We introduced our families to each other, and I had numerous visits, emails and weekly phone calls all throughout my pregnancy. Some people say that you can't get to know the A.P. parents good enough to give your child to them, or to know that they will keep the adoption open, but that is ridiculous. I had a good 7 months to get to know them. They were so kind to me, and were there to support me in any way they could. That is the way I think PAPs should behave. If they act like they don't have enough time to get to know you before the birth, cross them off your list immediately.

Anyway, I have the best relationship with them you could imagine. It is just like we are family, and always have been. They are still just as open as they said they would be (with an entire year passing.) They call me weekly still, and we visit each other whenever the opportunity arises. They tell my son I am his birth mom, and keep pictures of me in their home. I am open about it too, all of my friends and co-workers know I have a one-year-old adopted son. I'm constantly showing off pictures of him.

I think open adoption is wonderful. There is no need to be scarred for life anymore as a birth mother or an adoptee. They can know each other and not have to loose that connection only to try to get it back after years of wondering.

Just tell your sister that right now, everything is about HER. She gets to choose the parents, and choose what she is comfortable with. If the PAPs don't seem quite right, or unwilling to maintain her specifications for adopting HER child, then they don't diserve him or her.

Adoption doesn't have to be a sad thing. I'm sure she will find great APs that will uphold an open adoption agreement. As open as she wants. :)

cmc

I don't think it will be hard to find, but maybe that depends in part on where you live. In CA open adoption is more or less the norm, so a lot of people are open to it. Some places are a little more "traditional", but you can still find people open to it. I know in CA you can file an agreement of how much contact you want. I don't know if it is legally enforceable, but I think it is a good idea to set the parameters up front (it is a legal document but if one party backs out I'm not sure of the recourse). Some adoptive parents may agree to contact because they really want a baby, but aren't really on board for an open adoption, and may try to renege on it.

Try to have your sister look for a family who is actively seeking an open adoption and get to know them before the birth. If she has doubts about their commitment to it, she might want to look for another family. Once you "match" with a family you can always "unmatch" if needed. Also even if she's pursuing adoption while pregnant, she can change her mind. Nothing is final until after the birth when the paperwork is signed. She should know that and not let people push her into going through with an adoption if she doesn't feel it is right.

We have a beautiful adopted 2.5 year old, and I'm forever grateful to her natural mom for choosing us. Hopefully your sister will find a situation that is good for her and her child.

Mommy Of Three!

I think there is alot of families out there that love the open adoptions sometimes it makes it easier on them! They might just not tell the baby that your sister is the mom she might be known as like an aunt or something for a while that way it doesnt interfer anything!

Aphrodite

well some familys like closed adoption, some like open. more prefer closed because of the parents wanting to be very involved in the childs life.
she would really need to sit down with the adoptive family, and listen to their concerns, and have her express hers.
tell her to take her time on this decision, once she sees that child she really might change her mind
it all depends really, i would think that a fam would prefer closed.
but a really good family might be into the open option.
it depends on teh family,
good luck to her,

Ali

I have a friend that has an open adoption and it works out pretty good but they live in separate states. but alot of parents will have the fear that the mom will "want it back" and cause problems. (it would be a scary thing for the adoptive parents) because they want the baby to feel like the baby is "theirs" I am sure she will find the right family for her, they are out there!

sizesmith

It isn't hard at all to find a family who will say that they will honor open adoption. The hard part is finding someone who actually will keep an adoption open.

I have offered my son's first mom many opportunities to come and visit him. I've invited her to dinners, out to lunch, and she doesn't come. However, the first dad and his mother both do! I'm glad that he'll know where his heritage comes from, and that the more people who love him, the better. His first mom has seen him a couple of times, I just wish it were more so the adjustment is easier.

MNmom

I don't think it would necessarily be harder to find a family but a family that she and her baby's father (if in the picture) to feel comfortable with and looking for the same type of openness for the child. They should have a list made up in regards to what they are looking to expect in openness, how may times to see, grand parents involved in visits, can they call if so how many times once a month or every other, if live close by can they stop by, its something that she/they should consider and also should the adoptive parents, and if the adoptive parents are not sure of the answer on what they are comfortable with then they really haven't thought about openness...

werdna

No way! People looking to adopt are desperate for any situation where they can get a child!

Adoption costs a ton of money, well over $10,000!!!

A 45 year old man and his wife at my work place with a half million dollar house and a good job couldn't adopt a child for years and years.

After spending thousands and thousands on lawyers he finally went to Russia and got a boy there from an orphanage.

The whole ordeal cost him years of emotional pain as well as thousands of dollars.

He is 100% sure it was worth it.

Ted

I don't think it will be harder. It might be easier. Open adoptions can be very successful and have become more popular.

She needs to be very careful however and get every detail worked out legally in writing before it is final. I would not count on a friendship or any other relationship or trust to protect my rights.

Also I am concerned that she may still consider the child "hers". While it is biologically, the child will be the adoptive family's child to raise. She should not try to interfere, but be prepared to act as a very very special aunt to her biological child. I think if she is careful and selective she could potentially do a very wonderful thing for her child.

Ocean1

There are many adoptive families that request or prefer open adoption. If your sister goes to an adoption agency in your area, they could guide her through the process and explain all the legalities of open adoption as well as how the coordination process works between the adoptive families and the birth mother. Adoption is a beautiful gift. God bless her in her decision.

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