Open adoption vs. closed?

red&sassy

Dear MOMMY,

That's what you are. You are not a "birth-mom". You haven't given birth. You are a MOMMY.

You are about to do,is the worst thing you will ever do to yourself....giving your baby girl away to complete strangers. The only thing we are completely sure about, is that they can write a convincing resume, with the usual rhetoric about church, God, and "open adoption". You have every right to change your mind. Let your family come see the baby. Most families come around. Tell all people involved in the adoption to go away and leave you alone until you contact them. Have your little girl. Hold her. It's not as hard as you think.

I don't know your reasons, but if you have any doubt, try taking YOUR baby daughter home and then if it isn't working 6 months from now, do adoption.

If you decide to go with adoption, after you've tried to mother your child, MAKE SURE THEY WRITE "OPEN" ADOPTION AND TELL THEM YOU WANT CONTACT EVERY WEEK, MONTH OR WHATEVER. HAVE IT WRITTEN IN THE CONTRACT THAT THEY MUST LEAVE A FORWARDING ADDRESS IF THEY MOVE. Not that this is legal, just something that you're daughter will hopefully find one day and she'll realize that her AP's lied to you and her. No lawyer is going to help you. Your pleas to see her will fall on deaf ears. You will be told that you've done something wrong, but they won't really tell you what. You'll live everyday with the deepest pain and regret. If you think what you're going thru is bad now, you have no idea what you are about to do. Please reach out to ANY family member, friend, teacher, ANYONE you know and trust and tell them you want to be a mommy before you make your final decision.

Mom, I'm not trying to make this hard. I'm giving you a reality check that no one else is giving you. You are being inadated with, "You're so brave and selfless". "You're giving your baby a chance at a better life." On and on. They aren't telling you about the lies and pain BOTH OF YOU WILL ENDURE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES.

You are a mommy. You have a little girl inside of you. You can do this. You have been thinking with your head and not your heart. Let your heart tell you what to do. It's ok to keep your OWN BABY because YOU are the mommy.

Best wishes.

PhilM

Well, this is your decision, obviously. Speaking as an adoptee, I would have preferred to know about my first mom. I would have wanted her in my life (if anyone had consulted me). Maybe you have some reason for not taking that route, but I would have wanted my first mom around.

You should be aware, however, that simply because you opt for an open adoption, open adoptions are not legally enforceable. They can be closed by the adoptive parents.

LaurieDB

As an adopted person, I would have liked to know my first parents growing up. When I was adopted in the 1960's, closed adoption was the only option. It took 35 years, but we were reunited.

Just my experience and feelings.

Ghost Writer Rides Again

Just so you know, honey. Even if the potential adoptive parents promise an open adoption (or semi open), once the ink is dry on the papers, they can cut off all contact with you and you cannot take any legal action against them. You will, in effect, have as much right as a complete stranger to your child (which is none). Really sit and think about this. They can cut off all contact and you might never see her again. Even if its only semi open. They can stop sending pictures and there will be nothing you can do about. Have your baby, try to see if you can handle it for a few weeks.....a month, however long it takes for you to realize you are not ready for this. Then look into adoption.

sam22254

I'm not going to change your mind so I'm not going to try.
Open adoptions- wouldn't that be great if it really worked. I read all the time where a mother was promise that and is crying that doesn't happen.
Semi- You might one or two pictures just enough to see what your missing and then it's gone.
Closed- This isn't fair to you or your child. Your never know even in death. And your child will never know the truth about you.
The difference between abortion and adoption.
Abortion - you know what happen to your child (SAD)
Adoption- you can only pray everything works out. But your always wonder
Good luck in what ever you decide and I pray you let the father in on what ever your choice is.

Lillie

Adoption hurts.

You might as well just chop off your left hand, and live the rest of your life without it.

Sure, you will adjust and learn to do things without your hand, and in time the physical pain will go away, but the "ghost" pains will always be there. Subconsciously, you will always try to pick up that pencil or reach for that cup of coffee and realize, "oh yeah! It's gone!" and remember what you've done.

You might be able to reattach that hand, but it will never be the same; the scars run deep; old pains never fade away; it will never work the way it did or was supposed to.

You can never get back what was never supposed to be severed.

Phoenix

As an adoptee, I wanted to know my bfamily. I think it would have saved me a lot of heart-ache and issues. I'd say go for open, but remember its rarely legally enforceable.
I've heard that for some bmoms, open adoption are painful because you can't go into denial if you see or contact the child regularly, and you have to see your child with other parents. But if you can make it work, go for it. I think it would help all of you in the long run. If you can't handle the emotions with an open adoption, please please go into a semi-open at least, so the child can contact you if she wants.
As far as I've seen, closed adoptions only hurt everyone involved.
Also remember medical history can change. My bdad is now suffering from a condition that he only got 10 years after I was born, so I wouldn't know about it if we hadn't reunited. Its one of those conditions that doctors need to know about before giving you certain medication, so I'm glad I know about it. So with an open or semi-open adoption, the child can know her updated medical history which can be a great help in diagnosing and preventing certain conditions that she could be prone to.
Whatever you decide, best of luck for you and your baby.

Adoptionissadnsick

There really isn't a choice to be made. Open adoptions aren't legally enforceable, it's basically a marketing ploy to get babies, after you sign away your rights, and your baby's life to strangers - anything can happen.

http://www.exiledmothers.com/open_adoption/index.html

I read some of your other answers, it sounds like you want what is best for your baby. It also sounds like the relationship you had with your mother was difficult. Joe Soll is an expert in the field of adoption and has the opinion that no mother who has a healthy family relinquishes her baby. He offers free counseling to expecting mothers. Please contact him. https://www.adoptioncrossroads.org

raven_geisha

My mom was a child of a closed adoption and it bothered her all her life because she knew nothing of her birth family. I gave a child up for adoption and I chose an open adoption. I got to meet the adoptive family and we agreed that they would send picture and letters and I talk to them, but we also decided that the child would get to chose if he wanted to meet me and when. I think that it is really better that way because the child will have a better understanding of the situation and also get know everything from his/her heritage to the reasons why. But of course this is your decision and it will be a hard one to make so really think it through and talk to people who know about it. There is a website... www.abrazo.org you can go to that site and there is forum that adoptive parents and birthparent and even some adopted child post things. I think you should check it out. This was the agency I used and it made a difficult time a little easier.

lahdh4

First who have to know if an open adoption is LEGALLY BINDING in your state.
I have an open adoption. It is work. It is not easy no matter what others will try to tell you. Listening to her call someone else "Mom" is hard. But I WILL NOT have her grow up and not know who I am. I will be there to answer HER questions, not the questions that the aparents ask.
I have a few friends who have a semi open and they don't really like it. They don't like the "outside looking in feeling" that they have.
I even know some from the closed era and they just wish they had the chance to know their child while they were growing up and not trying to have a relationship with an adult stranger who is their child.

Cam

Obviously the choice is yours and I'm glad you're thinking about open adoption. It truly is in the best interest of your child's emotional health if you are going to go through with an adoption plan.

We have maintained an open adoption with my daughter's bio mom. I guess you could call it very open. Although we live in separate states (bio mom lives in my home state) we do get to see each other quite often. At anytime my daughter knows she's only a phone call away.

But as you may already know, open adoption agreements are not legally binding . It's basically an issue of trust and I know that many adoptive parents will honor your wishes. Just be careful.

Elizabeth

Since you are on the internet you obviously have access to resources and information.

Take the time to research the detrimental effects of adoption on adoptees. This is a life-long trauma for many people, including myself.

If after having done the research you selfishly decide to abandon your child, you will be still be a mother. Just a mother of the worst kind: a willing abandoner.

DO NOT ABANDON YOUR CHILD.

Since you know the gender of your child, I assume it is too late to have a merciful abortion.

Hence, you have made your bed. Now lie in it.

Do your job and raise your child.

Bouvier

As difficult as it may be, try and take yourself out of the situation/decision, and think of your daughter. Chances are that when she gets to a certain age, she IS going to want to know about you, meet you. If you are struggling with "how open" OPEN actually is, then go for semi open, and develop a relationship if you can with the adoptive parents. Communication is key. Let them know that if you choose semi open, that you may want a higher level of openess at some point in the future if ok with them. Also, the open relationship can be monitored by a social worker, or an agency if you choose to go that route. That way, if the request for more openess is just too much at the time, you must understand the feelings of the other person.

My feeling as an adoptive mother, is that I want whatever will be beneficial to my daughter. I have to take my feelings out of the situation, and allow her to make her choices when it comes to her birthmother. I realize this will have a ton to do with her emotional well being and development.

I wish you well............

Freckle Face

To answer your question i would choose open. Later on you can always change your mind to semi=open but it would be harder to change from semi-open back up to open. Make sense?

I agree with the rest, open adoption is not enforceable. I wish it was. The best solution i could come up with is to find a family that has already adopted a child. Check to see what kind of a relationship they currently have with their other Birth Mother. Also both parties will have to sign this agreement. KEEP A COPY. I pray that it will be enforceable in the court system soon.

On the name Birth Mother, i do not see it as you are a baby maker. I see the name Birth Mother as a name of honor. A connection to your child forever thru Birth. A right of passage that the two of you will share forever, something sacred.

Remember its okay to change your mind at any time! If you decide to parent, you do not owe the possible adoptive parents anything. If you feel you need more time to make your decision don't sign your rights away. They will wait. You make the calls remember that!

Take your time and don't let anyone pressure you into anything. Its okay to parent and its okay to adopt, its a decision only you can make. i wish you and your child all the best! My thoughts and prayer are with you both.

bethany.1987

It depends on how much you want to be involved. An open adoption lets you recieve pictures and letters, Closed adoption means you don't know anything, yoy don't find out who is going to be raising your baby. I had an open adoption with my son, but you have to be careful. The people who adopted my son changed the adoption agreement. This is going to be a hard choice and think it through. Good luck and I wish the best!

jgf5822

you will screw your kid up forever if you don't keep him/her. adoption is a terrible thing

opedial

If you already feel you are not ready to parent and have made a choice, then I would suggest open adoption, it keeps you involved. Yes it is not legally enforceable but it is the best option for the child. Go thorugh an agency or private where the person has taken PRIDE or other training on attachment and pick a family who most shares your values.

If you are not ready to choose then think it over and research. Do not let people

1. Coerce you into giving up your child
2. Coerce you into keeping a child you are not ready for

Only YOU can make these choices, not those on this forum. If you are truly not ready to parent, then try to do the open adoption and stay involved best you can.

C Wood

the choice is yours and noone can make it for you.

I wish my adoption had been open so I could find my siblings.

I know why my mother gave me up for adoption, so I would not distress her by trying to contact her. I would prefer to respect her privacy.

Your child may well want to meet you later on, and if you can handle that, open is the best option. I don't know what semi-open entails, so I can't speak to that one. I'm really not for closed, but that's because I can't find my sisters and brother.

wrightkutz

I'm a birthmom and my twins were adopted a few years ago. I chose open adoption. I was very lucky in finding the adoptive parents. They have been wonderful and I talk to them every day and they email pictures at least once a week. I've very involved in how the boys are doing, and wouldn't want it any other way. I haven't been able to see them, but have that choice. I had to say goodbye once, and I'm not sure I'm ready to do it again.
My point is, adopting your baby out is the hardest thing you will EVER do. But, with open adoption, you know how they are and what they look like, etc. It keeps you connected to your baby.
The adoptive parents tell my boys that I am their mom, but also so is she. They know they have two moms who love them very much...what more could a child ask for?? Give your baby the chance to know you!
Good luck to you. I know it's hard, but knowing that your child is happy and healthy makes it so much easier!

Still Me

I would encourage you to choose open adoption, or at least semi open. But you have to do what you can handle. I would be careful though to work only with an agency which will allow you to change your mind about wanting contact even after placement. Even months or years later. That means that the agency would encourage openness, and would only approve adoptive parents who support some level of openness. Personally, I do not think any agency should approve any adoptive parents who want a closed adoption. That speaks volumes to me.

kristus412

It all depends if when the child is older you want her to have the option to easily contact you or not. As well if you want to know the people who are adopting her.

We define open adoption as a form of adoption in which the birth family and the adopted child enjoy an ongoing, in-person relationship.

A semi-open adoption occurs when the potential birthmother or birth families experience non-identifying interaction with the adoptive families. In most cases, the interaction is facilitated by a third party, usually the adoption agency or adoption attorney. Through this type of adoption, the identity of all parties is usually kept from one another. In most cases, the interaction includes letters or cards; however, in some cases, there may be non-identifying e-mails or visits hosted by the adoption professional. There are several potential advantages to a semi-open adoption for the birth parents, the adoptive parents, and the adopted child.

Closed adoption refers to an adoption process where there is no interaction of any kind between the birthmother and the prospective adoptive families. There is no identifying information provided to either the birth families or the adoptive families. Non-identifying information such as physical characteristics and medical history may be provided to both parties.

Adoption is A-OK!

The choice is yours -- for more information, speak with the counselor or agency that is facilitating your adoption.

oh, and please know that adoptees are ok - not all grow up angry with the system, PAPs, etc.

Good luck with your situation

Crucio

None of these people know your situation or why you have chosen adoption. Donâ€™t listen to anyone who says you would be abandoning your daughter, if you abandoned her you would dump her in a rubbish bin or leave her in a ditch or something.

My advice is to do what you feel more comfortable with, in open adoption you might see your birthchild a couple times a year sometimes it can be more, like once a month , once a week, every few months etc. Some birthparents become extended family to their childâ€™s new family. The amount of contact can always be lessened or more contact can be added, this sometimes happens over time when everyone is more comfortable with each other.

In semi open adoption youâ€™d just be getting photos and letter updates a few times a year. Sometimes they will send through the agency so the parents would send photos/updates to the agency and they would forward it to you, the same if you wanted something sent to birthchild or her parents. This often makes people on both ends more comfortable as they feel they still retain their privacy.

Do keep in mind that most states do not enforce open adoptions even with a contract so the parents could decide to stop it or even birthparents sometime cease open adoption contact. Perhaps it was too much they thought they could handle it but they cant , life gets busy etc. I would talk about it with a close friend whom you know will be unbiased on what you want to do if you want open adoption how often do you want to see birthchild? If you want Semi-open how many times a year would you like to receive updates? Remember you also have to find Possible adopted parents who want the same thing and are comfortable.

hdouc094

Closed until the child is atleast 18.

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