Opinions of those who have been "adopted"?

drkangel210e

Adoption is an inherently traumatic event. When a baby is removed from their mother, they experience loss. Like anything else, different people deal with loss differently. That's why there are people who are happy with their adoption, and then others have negative effects. People need to understand that there's always a risk of emotional damage to the adopted child. Currently, people are lead to believe that there's no more chance of emotional damage to adopted children than to any other child. Adoption is a good solution for cases where there's abuse or extreme neglect.

So, short answer to your question: adoption isn't good or bad, it's just not the 100% that people believe it to be.

Laurel J

"I never thought of it from a child's perspective that has been adopted....I just figured if the parents went through all the trouble to adopt the kids would be lucky enough to have them."

I'm very glad you're taking a second look at adoption. As an adoptee I'm constantly amazed at how many people never thought about it from my point of view, so I'm happy when someone does.

I think of adoption as a bad thing that has its good points and sorely needs reform. I don't think it can ever be a "good thing" entirely because it begins when a child loses his/her family. Open records are the way to go, but they won't heal the loss, shame, and sadness so many of us feel.

Really, thanks for asking.

cantstopLinnyG

You don't sound stupid or ignorant. Yes, you WERE adopted. People who are involved with a step parent adoption are sometimes called "adoptee-lite", lol. You still have the loss of one parent.

Adoption can be a good thing when done right, and can be a bad thing, too. The problem is that society tends to just see the good, and buy into so many myths, that the bad things about adoption are minimized, or sometimes even forgotten.

A Few Myths:
"Adoption gives a child a better life."
Not always a better life, but always different.

"Adopted children are chosen children"
not so much. Our parents were the next ones in line at the agency to get a baby, we were the next ones available

There are many more, but these are the ones that really bother me, personally.

I have struggled my whole life with issues stemming from my adoption. Many of which could have been prevented, but unfortunately, my a parents only did what the adoption agency told them to do, like tell me,"Your real mother loved you so much, she gave you away." This was pretty standard back in the 1960's (BSE) and pretty much destroyed my idea of what love is....and it could not have been further from the truth. My N Mother loved me, but could not keep me.

I felt like the odd man out, because I really was nothing like my adoptive family- looks, intellectual capabilities, athletic ability, musical ability, sense of humor, logic...NOTHING.

The healthy thing would have been for them to acknowledge my differences and embrace them...but again...they knew no better.

I was also made to feel guilty for missing, talking about, and wanting to search for my n family. It was horrible. It made no sense to me, as I took (and still do take) so much pride in my a family.

I finally broke through to them by telling them that it would go against everything they taught me about love and family for me to NOT want to know and love my family. They finally got it, even helped with my search in what ever little way they could...which was not much, as Catholic Charities even lied about my non-id information.

I have been in reunion for 22 years with my n mom, and for 5 months with my n sibilings. For the first time in my life, I feel like a "whole person", because I know my family. Both of them. I know where I get certain characteristics, my musical ablity, my logic...I am so much like my n family it is scary. It would have been comforting to know there "was someone like me" when I was a child.

When adoption strips a child of everything and expects that child to forget they have another family its bad. Its so unnatural, and quite frankly, cruel.

When society dismisses the fact that adoption is based on loss, it's bad. My a family's gain was my n family's loss. I gained another family. Not a better one, just a different one. It was still an enormous loss.

When society expects a child to completely adapt to his or her new surroundings and "not be themselves" is bad and unnatural.

When society expects a child to be "grateful" they have adoptive parents, it's bad. Every child deserves parents, and adoptees should be no more grateful than non-adoptees.

When society calls a person bitter and ungrateful because they have enough love to share with 2 different families, it's bad. Parents love more than one child...why is it that we are considered ogres for loving more than one set of parents?

When a child is adopted by ap's who acknowledge these things and take steps to insure their child will never feel guilty for wanting to love, adoption is good.

Adoption is good when there is NO family members to take legal guardianship of him ir her, and the child still knows where he or she came from.

Adoption is good when it is about the child. It should never be because Sue or Bob cannot have a baby and want one.

Adoption is good when it is open, but sadly, open adoptions are not legally enforceable. To the ap's who live by their promise, their children will have the best of both worlds.

I am not anti-adoption, just anti-unethical adoption. I am anti-infant adoption, because infants are a commodity, and there is usually coercion involved. I am also anti-international adoption, as it is corrupt and akin to human trafficking.

I am pro-foster parenting and foster to adopt, and only think infants should be adopted if there is NO family member to take them, or of course, if there is abuse. Even then, adoptions should always be open if possible, and strictly enforced.

The links Sunny posted are awesome. Here are some links about foreign adoption, too.

http://www.youtube.com/user/adoptedthemovie

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/01/09/AR2009010903118.html

http://www.emediawire.com/releases/2004/4/emw117838.htm

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=12185524

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/opinions/outlook/2009-01-11/adoption/

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janine k

Yes I do suppose that a person who can't have children of their own would deem themselves lucky to be able to adopt a child but from an adoptees perspective I have always felt that a vital part of me has been missing all of my life with the knowledge that I have another family somewhere who do not want to have anything to do with me.I also have adopted a daighter out at birth but this was not my decision but that of my adoptive mother who always worried about what other people thought and did not really care about what the members of her immediate family really thought or needed.I was only 13 when I had to sign my daughter away and was not given a choice as she had the final say and told me that it was better for everyone to "sweep it under the carpet" as I have never been able to do and don't think it should ever be so.Sorry I am transgressing from your question and adoption can be sometimes be a good thing if the natural parents are incapable,for a variety of reasons,of looking after their child/ren it depends on the individual cases.

Randy B

Well, I was adopted 45 years ago and I've had a very positive experience with it all and had a very happy and satisfying life thus far. My mother and father are wonderful people who did what they could when ever possible for my brother, sister and I. I've always felt 100% part of my family and, as was brought up in an earlier question, I didn't give it a second thought when I had to do a family tree in grade school. My family has always been my family and that included my grandparents and such. I don't think there is one of us alive today who doesn't have some form of adoption in our family history so I just have always viewed myself a little closer to the newly grafted branch of the tree then some of the others in my family.

I have two adopted daughters and one born to my wife and I as well and I'm doing with them what I learned from my parents and through my own childhood. It seems to be working well so far. My oldest daughter is happy and well adjusted. She knows she was adopted and from where (overseas) and she went through her phase of asking and wondering years ago and since then she's not brought it up very often. The youngest is an infant so she's not saying much of anything yet other then "up" and "more". lol

All in all, for us at least, it's been a very positive experience.

Minnimouse

Sunny is very correct and there has been a lot of research and scientific studies done on the affects of adoption on children.

I think people here are getting mixed up between gratefulness and trauma.

As an adoptee I have had a very happy life. I have good adoptive parents and if I had been raised by my mentally unstable biological mother I probably would have suffered. So in that respect if I told that side of the story I would be seen to have had a fairy tail adoption.

But on the other hand I experienced trauma and loss as a baby because I loved my biological mother, I was connected to her and I live through that constantly. I was then abused by my first adoptive parents, then fostered. It's not something you can escape. I also suffered under the social welfare agency my current parents were adopting from. They recommended closed records, closed adoption (In the late 80's) and to hide everything from me until I asked questions. I was too scared to ask questions in case I hurt my adoptive parent's feelings. For that reason, it was very difficult.

Adoption isn't good or bad, but it can (not always) cause trauma that lasts a life time. This does not however mean that you are completely damaged and your whole life is horrible. Is not even implying that. I have a very successful life, but it contains the trauma of my adoption.

I'm glad you asked, If only my own adoptive parents were as open to learning as you!

snowwillow20

Adoption is necessary if the child has been abused or the parents are dead.

I wish I had been this educated about adoption when I gave my daughter up in 1972.

Lauren M

I am 16 and was adopted. My biological mother was 16 when she had me. I LOVE my family and I am so Glad I was adopted. BUT then there are kids like my sister (she has a really hard time with her adoption, she thinks that her parents didn't want her) But I think she will come around to it. I think adoption is a great thing. I am greatly against abortion so I think it is a great alternitive.

MommyKaitlynn

My mother waited until I was 12 years old to put me up for adoption. I was old enough to know what was going on, and old enough to hate her for it.
I was placed with an amazing family that I just 'fit' with instantly. I was treated like I was on of their own, I was loved, cared for. To this day, they are the only people I will ever consider my family.
I did still have contact with my biological mother. I did eventually forgive her before she passed away. If she hadn't given me up, I wouldn't be who I am today. It was the most selfLESS thing she could do -- she gave me up to give me a better life. That's something that I will always appreciate about her.
Having my own children, I can almost see things her way. I know if for whatever reason I could not take care for my children, or provide for them, I would want them to have a better life with someone that could. It would kill me, but all that would matter is the best interest of the children.
Adoption - much like giving birth - can go bad, too. I have friends that were adopted as infants and became very difficult through the years. Their adoptive parents ended up putting them into foster care. But again, it did benefit them more than staying with their 'family' would have.

Ian Wi

I was adopted, and I think Sunny is terribly misguided and ignorant. It depends on when you were adopted. Adoption at birth is fine, I think, but when they are older it becomes a psychological issue sometimes.

Carrie Ellaâ™¥Edward Cullen

Hi! my younger sister, my older brother adn i are all adopted!! I am 20 and my sister (13) and my brother (24) are all from diffrent parents. Even though we are all from diffrent parents we are all realy close! my brother and i look alot alike and people can always tell that were siblings but its not true! For me its hard. Our parents passed away ( my brother, sister and i, our parents) so my sister lives with me and my soon to be hubby. its hard for my sister because my brother and i are both (well he is i am almost) married and shes the youngest one. she just had my parents and thats it. my bro and i were like never home but now shes always with me! the one quiestions that will always be in my head, who were my parents? were they famous? do i have famous siblings? what would my life be like if i was with them? would my birth parents love me as much as i love them? do the rember who i am? do i look like them? its always in my head and i will never know who they were. my brother knows his birth parents, they had him too young and they couldnt keep him as much as they wanted. his parents love him and they are married right now and expecting their 4th including my brother. his birth siblings love him and do look up to him as a regular brother. its weird going there with my brother, his siblings love him and i love him too! but now they [ my brother's siblings] accept my sister and i as their older sisters, (all boys all under like 10) Adoption, for me, is an amazing thing! who knows where my siblings and i would be if it wornt for adoption!

Lina

I would say adoption is a good thing.

mom to be

It depends on the situation that you were born into and the situation you were adopted into. It is true that every adoption starts with a loss, but not everyone feels the same loss. I was born into a pretty abusive family, but was adopted and was able to grow up in a relatively safe environment. I did not have to grow up in the drug and alcohol abuse. So for me adoption was better. Two of my older brothers were not adopted and I have talked to them, one wishes he was and the other was glad he wasn't. Its an individual thing.

AdoreHim

It never ceases to amaze me how much negativity that you will hear about here. I am both an adoptee and an adoptive parent. There are many that say that is a very emotional and rough way to grow up- however I have to say for me, it was wonderful. I have nothing but love for my birth mom who chose life for me, even when she knew that she could not raise me herself. My husband and I met both of our children's birth moms, and they had people say it would be far better to abort their babies, then place for adoption. If those 2 women listened, my 2 precious children would not be here. I never felt that I was abandoned, or unloved. And as a parent, I never competed with birth moms. I can guarantee you something, my positive answer will get more thumbs downs then thumbs up- sad if you ask me.

Confused_Alone_Scared

To the person who said adoption is an unhealthy way for a child to grow up...

WHAT THE HELL!?

Do you even know what you are talking about? Posting a few links does not make you an expert.

Would you prefer a child to live in a home where it is not loved, not getting anything is needs over living in a home where he or she is lvoed and cared for?

Shall we let all these children in care go back to their biological parents just because they gave birth to them? I think not! Every child has the right to a happy life and if this is with 2 parents who love them but didnt give birth to them then how can this be unhealthy?

I myself am adopted and know alot of other people who are. I also know my biological mother and think she is a sick individual who I am better off without. I for one would of been growing up in an unhealthy environment if I had stayed with her.

I have 2 parents who love me, who cares if my mum didnt give birth to me? They love me and have provided me with a safe, warm and caring enviornment in which I have grown and developed into a young lady.

Jane S

You aren't supposed to think about their feelings. You've got it all wrong!

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