Parents who have adopted, or know adoptive parents?

Still Me

I think it can go many ways, which is why you have had so many varied reactions. Not all are positive.

Sometimes people look at adoptive parents as "less than parents" because the child did not come from our bodies! I think these people are usually less educated people who cannot personally imagine parenting a child who did not reflect their physical/genetic likeness to be lovable. They need to see their own eyes, or their own hair or part of themselves for the ego boost.

Then there are people who view adoptive parents as some sort of philanthropist. We are "saving" or "rescuing" a poor little child. This attitude is insulting and negatvie. And this attitude looks at our child as someone to be pitied. Adoptive parents do not adopt (hopefully!) for reecognition, or to rescue a child. They adopt becasue it is simply the way they have chosen to have a family. Any other reason disrespects our children.

The truth being, adoptive parents come in all shapes and sizes and are motivated for many reason to be adoptive parents. Some may come to this decision reluctantly at first, some may jump right in with no reservations. Most are motivated by the strong desire to be a parent the best way they know how, and choose adoption as the way to their dreams. Sadly, there are adoptve parents motivated partly by the recognition they will recieve by adopting a child who is "in need". But adoptive parents are not all alike. We are just as varied as biological parents! Some of us are wonderful parents, some are good parents, and some are not the greatest parents.

But yes, society somehow feels it has a right to judge who we are. We are public fodder. Just like when a woman is pregnant, and her belly is sticking out there, it is public. And because it is public, everyone feels like they have the right to comment, give advice, or make judegements. Same in adoption. When people find ot we are adopting, it is public, and then people feel free to comment, judge or give advice.

It is up to us to set clear boundaries. This is good practice for when our child comes home. Personal details aobut our adoption, our child, our child's birth family or environment, are private. Those things belong to our close family and our child! We can be tactful, polite and private.

Good luck to you and congratulations to you!!!!!

goodquestion

Society is judgmental in many ways, so why would this be an exception?

Just remember, any of those impertinent questions that bother you, are going to be even harder for an adopted child to hear.

Start surfing the Web to read from TRA (trans-racial adoption) blogs. Don't just read what the parents of toddlers write...have the strength to read what the adoptees themselves say as teenagers and adults. They'll tell you what it was like to have society's eyes and judgment on them. They'll tell you how horrible they felt when people said things to their family, and what they wished their parents had said in response.

Cam

I think most people don't understand adoption and just don't know what to say. Many times they unintentionally end up saying stupid or insensitive things.

I do think a lot of people believe the old stigma that these children are unwanted, loaded with behavioral problems and health issues. Drives me crazy.

My daughter is quite normal and healthy.We have a beautiful relationship with her birth mother who loves her very much. She lives several states away (my home state) and we see her about once every two years. Many people just can't understand how I don't feel threatened by her.

I do feel that birth moms get a bad rap. The gift they give to families is like no other. I've been the lucky one here. My daughter wasn't "saved" from being unwanted or a bad life. Her birth mother made an adult decision at a very young age to do the best for her.

Congratulations on your baby girl. Remember...adoption is just a process, it's not a label we put on our children. It's just another way to form a family. Hold your head high and raise your beautiful family.

I'd like to give a "big thumbs down" to all who have given Susie Leer negative ratings. Perhaps her tone could have been a little more eloquent but I do agree that birth mom's do live with a stigma of being uncaring. Many of them have made the biggest decision of their lives by putting their children up for adoption and spend a life time wondering if they made the right choice for themselves. I can't imagine going through anything more difficult. Suzie, I give you a big "thumbs up".

Renee D

I think that sometimes people do see you a bit differently as adoptive parents. I am adopted and my husband and I adopted our one and only daughter. She does not look like us, so it is usually obvious to people that she is adopted. I find that the more naive and ignorant people are, the more comments you receive about adoption. You also have the people who praise you for opening you heart and home to a child for a better life. Either way...do it! Don't let what other people say or do influence you decision. And, tell the people who have their opinions on raising the child that you already have children and can handle it without their input! Good luck and God Bless!

Lauren R

Yes, Yes and Yes! We come from a long line of adoptions. My husband was an orphan and his now parents were his guardians. My husbands sister adopted a baby from China this year. And we adopted two children from foster care with diagnosis. Get yourself toughened up and get your pat answers ready, everyone has something to say. I like. " thank you for sharing, I didn't even remember asking your opinion" or "What is your background in adoption?" or "Where do you get your information?", "I'd love to read your research paper on adoption, why don't you email it to me."

MamaNear

I don't think you are being overly sensitive. And I think it has a lot to do with WHAT society you live in - as in what part of the world, etc. It is much more accepted in North America than it is in other parts of the world. I live in Kenya, and we are also in the adoption process. It is just NOT part of how people are here... yes there are rare exceptions, but as a whole - adoption is looked at as being "weird"... if not wrong!! People just don't understand WHY anyone would take the "risk" of raising a non-biological child. Anyway - that the global answer to your question.

When it comes to people asking silly and personal questions - I think it something we both have to get used to! It's like strangers walking up to you and touching your belly and commenting on your weight gain when you are pregnant - absolutely unacceptable in normal circomstances, but they go for it anyway! It's like we're public property when we are pregnant, AND when we are adopting!!

NOT that it makes sense to me - I am just sharing in your confusion! MANY blessings to you...

this is nothin to worry about my aunt is a foster mom has her own biological kids and has a daycare and all her foster kids turn out well. she had adopted a baby like a year ago and u just treat them how you would treat any other baby. its also best to get them as babies becasue one, you won't have 2 have any trouble like how u would if u adopted a 5yr or teenager, second, they would already be comfortable wit you by the time they get to 1year old because u have been wit them since the beginnning of their life, so dont worry im sure you will b a great mother considerin u have children of your own who you have raised fine.

I am not an adoptive parent, but I have two biological children.

I had a co-worker who adopted a baby from China. She was about 40 & her hubby too. The questions that went through my head were was she unable to have kids biologically, why not an American baby & how will they raise the child to be culturally aware of her heritage.

So basically I was VERY curious. I never asked her these things, it was rude or prsumptious so I kept it to myself. But what I'm saying is, when something is different from what people know - they're curious. Sure it's none of their business but it's simply human nature.

So I think it's normal. But I also think you simply want this baby to have the homecoming your others had. You want her to be accepted and loved by others as your family will accept & love her. THAT is a normal reaction for ANY parent facing these questions.

Just have a few answers ready to go when the questions start, it will also help her accept that people are interested in her adoption as well, she may even answer the questions FOR you when she gets old enough! ; )

StacieG

I've actually found the opposite to be true in my experience.

We have two biological kids & two adopted (internationally) kids.

We get the whole, "Oh, what a wonderful thing to do. Those kids are SO lucky that you adopted them! You are such wonderful people." etc. ad nauseum! We didn't do it to be sainted...we didn't do it to "rescue" the girls from some horrible future. We did it because we wanted daughters! And...guess what...we're the lucky ones!

I do tend to get people who are very opinionated about how to raise them, though. There are several facets of this.

One thing is that we need to maintain Spanish as the girls' primary language (it's their birth language) and I for some reason feel the need to explain why we've pretty much dropped the Spanish (we did our homework when things weren't working linguistically & made an informed decision).

Another thing is how we discipline them. Some say we should spank them...some say we're too strict. The girls have a history of abuse & neglect so spanking for every little thing would be a very bad thing. Letting them get away with stuff just because they're "poor little orphans" would also serve no purpose.

One more that comes to mind is our structure. We were VERY fly by the seat of our pants, flexible with the boys. We had to become VERY structured when we adopted the girls. It became apparently within a week that what we'd read about adopted kids (especially older adopted kids) that they need high structure/high nurture environments was absolutely true in their case. We had to type up house rules and be very consistent about them. We have to have a very firm bedtime for the girls or things fall apart the next day. We have to have a set routine for the most part or the girls feel insecure. Some people see this as us being overly controlling, but if we don't have that high structure environment our daughters (especially the older one) blows a gasket & everything falls apart in our family. When things fall apart with the girls, they fall apart for all of us.

Do as much reading as possible while you're on this side of the adoption journey. Go to http://www.tapestrybooks.com and even if you don't purchase anything through them, use them to create your reading list & see what you can get at your local library.

Assemble a team of supportive people. Seek out therapists/counselors who can help you out with grief/loss/adjustment/attachment issues. See if you have an International Adoption Clinic nearby & use their services. Give your close friends & family books on adoption to read so you'll get less off-target advice about how to raise your new sweetie. Seek out and join an adoptive family support group (especially if it's a multicultural adoptive group...where you will be the "typical" family rather than the unusual one)

Sorry to have given you more advice, but I've walked in your shoes & know what a wonderful, enriching & challenging journey it is!

suzi leer

what, as a birthmom, I catch alot more crap than any adoptive parent. Society looks at birthmoms as unfit parents, and adoptive parents as heros. I am their hero for completing their family. Not the other way around. As for people asking stupid questions, give them stupid answers. Works for me, just play dumb.

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