People given up for adoption: have you or would you search for biological parents?

iBastard

I am an adoptee in a sealed records state. It took a long time, but I found my natural mother's identity anyway. However, I'd waited too long, and she had died before I could meet her. I honestly felt almost exactly like you did. I searched infrequently and not very hard, and often wondered if I really wanted to find her. I heard all the stories of bad reunions, crazy bio parents, rejection, and so on. But honestly, I think any of those would have been better.

I discovered that there was always a part of me that had wanted to meet her. I always, on some level, thought we would meet one day. I had no idea what relationship we would have, but I just wanted to see her, hear her voice, know what she was like. Even if it was someone I wouldn't want to know. But now I will never have that and it is awful. And I have to figure out how to mourn someone I never knew. It's a weird, weird thing and I don't think anyone who isn't an adoptee can understand it.

But even without meeting her, knowing about her and knowing I didn't just fall out of the sky, that I have an origin with a specific person who had a name and a life and a background, it was just amazing to me. It filled in blanks I didn't even know I had. And she looked so much like me, it's scary. I also got to see family resemblances in my daughter, especially with my aunts, that I never would have seen with just me. Very powerful stuff.

I am in reunion with her family and so far it has been a very positive experience. Even if problems arise or things go bad for some reason, it will have been worth it.

Even if your records are off limits where you live, there are lots of other ways to find them. Nothing guaranteed, of course, but it is possible. They might even be looking for you, so you should register with the International Soundex Reunion Registry. http://www.isrr.net/

Good luck to you!

hollyjm3

YES. I'm older now, but I was adopted too and I know what you mean. You will always wonder know matter how much you love your family there will always be a vode in your life. This doesn't mean that you will jump up and move in or want to live with you biological parents, but come on there is a mother that had you and there will always be questions like what does she look like. Where does she live, how old was she when she had me. Did she want me, but have to give me up? Did she ever love me??? This is a nomal feeling and sooner or later you will want these questions answered it is only normal. Search it will ease your mind and I wish you luck and happness in the out come! Take it from some one who has been there and knows..............
PS - My experience was I was raised as an only child, but found out later I have 8 brother's and sister's. So the answer is... no even though I had everything I wanted there wasn't much love and nothing can replace the love of your real family.
You'll have to take the good with the bad and live with it.

Candi

My best friend was adopted... I cannot say I have had the experience myself. I can see why you want to know, it is part of who you are, and it does not make you love your adopted parents ANY less. Good luck.

allyn h

i was adopted as an infant...when i was 29 i met my bio mother.. it was a wonderful experience for both(and for my parents)
I have no desire to find my bio father...b/c he skipped town when he found out i was conceived...
Good luck! And remember don't have any great expectations, that way if things don't go as well as you had hoped you wont be too crushed

snow flake

WHY ARE MORE PEOPLE WHO AREN'T ADOPTED ANSWERING THIS QUESTION THAN PEOPLE WHO ARE?
I know that everyone has an opinion on things, but the question is specifically addressed to "people given up for adoption". I apologize for the caps, but this is really getting to me. You people can't have an opinion on this one, period. Sorry, I know you feel left out and all, but if you weren't adopted, sit this one out.

Now, that said, I was adopted as a baby and found my biological parents when I was in my twenties. It wasn't that I didn't love my adoptive parents or anything, they're wonderful, but I always felt that there was a big piece of the puzzle missing.
It was a little rocky but overall a positive experience. I'm still in contact with my biological mother via emails. I think it has helped me to know what the people are like who I came from. It makes me feel more complete.

Sarah

My husband and his brother are both adopted... they are not biological brothers. My brother in law searched for & did find his biological family. Contrary to how most people say, that 'their adoptive family will always be their real family", etc., my brother in law now lives near his biological mother and siblings and has next to nothing to do with his adoptive family. The brothers talk on the phone every few months, but that's about it.

My husband, on the other hand, has no desire to know his biological mother/father. His adoptive mom & dad are his parents, and he doesn't feel that he needs more than that.

On the other hand, I have given a baby girl up for adoption (an open adoption) and will most likely see her someday, if nothing else, on a friendship type level, as I see her parents as her parents, and do not in any way see myself being anything more to her than a birthmother (unless maybe she wanted more?). I do, however, think about her every single day, especially holidays, her birthday, etc. and this has (perhaps only slightly) opened my husband's eyes to seeing another side of his own birthmom. So we'll see.

Hope this helps~

zeekandthefam

I was adopted, and I can totally relate to you here. I did search for my birth parents, and I met my birth mother. They never did find my birth father, but I do know his name. My birth mother was 17 when she had me. It was a long process, the first thing you want to is contact the adoption agency where you were placed for adoption, you can then request your non-identifying information, then you can go to the Toronto Registry (Sorry this is for Ontario/not sure where you are exactly) and then they search for you, they do all the work and red tape, just so you know, it took me 7 years. 1 year alone for my non-identifying information. 6 for the search.

I did meet my birth mother, only to find she has schizophrenia and bi-polar. I took some pictures, and met my birth cousin, aunt, and grandparents that day to. After that the contact went downhill, I tried to stay in touch with letters, calls, but they did not seem to really have much interest. Now it has been a year and I just can't be bothered.

At least I know. That's my experience. Good Luck :)

Devin's mom

I have found my birth mother and I can tell you that it was neither positive or negative, just an experience. I am happy that I have closure and many answers, medical and family history. I think the older that you get the more important some questions are. I wanted medical info for myself and my daughter and I can say that I know more now than I did before I found her and that was important to me. I love my family very dearly as well and it can be hard to approach the subject with them but if you decide to search try your best to make them a part of it. It will make things easier if the search and reunion with their support no matter what the outcome.

Kat

I posted a similar question, from the point of view of someone who DID find her parents, and regrets it. Here is my question: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AjsOwjLFKlcYJ4JKJFxmaPTsy6IX?qid=20070724064043AARxOOh

To answer your question:

I'm an adoptee and after quite a bit of searching, I found my birth mother and her family. My initial contact was with my maternal grandfather....I called him...explained who I was, and asked if he knew "Jane Doe" (My bio. mom...we'll call her Jane). He replied "Oh my....Yes...You are Baby Girl Doe....I was there when you were born". It was an incredible moment.

However, then he told me Jane has been in jail for the past 11 years for a crime that I consider almost unforgivable. It was shocking to me...and really rocked me.

I have met my bio Grandparents....aunts, uncles, and two half siblings (both younger than me). I also drove to the jail and met Jane. It was emotional, difficult, exciting..lots of different feelings. But, this woman clearly has issues.

I've written back and forth with her, and I see the extended family around the holidays. She claims she can't remember my biological father's name, and has had no contact with him since before I was born. I'm not concerned with finding him anyway.

While I am happy to finally know where I come from...(at least on the mother's side), and I've been pleased to find great maternal grandparents...part of me regrets finding my biological mother. If/when she is paroled, I know she wants to have a relationship with me, and be involved in my life, because she has mostly alienated her other two children..the ones she raised. I have two future step daughters, and I don't want Jane around my family...so, while I feel safe writing to her right now, I keep the letters pretty simple. I try not to encourage her to think I plan on baking cookies with her when she gets out of jail...in fact, if she becomes pushy later on, I've already told my fiance I may file a restraining order, for the sake of my peace of mind.

So, to wrap up:

Positives: I've met a new family...met Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents and siblings I never knew I had. They have welcomed me into their home, and into their holiday celebrations. "Where do I come from?" has been answered for the most part. I also know it was a difficult decision to give me up, and Jane has thought of me every day, celebrated my birthday every year, and my bio Grandpa prays for me daily...he has, every day since I was born.

Negatives: The illusion of "somewhere out there is a nice woman who had to give me up against her will" is gone. Not only do I now know who my biological mother is...I need to come to terms with what she has done. Now I may have a problem, because she knows my address...she wants me to visit her...she pressures me with her beliefs, via letters. I have opened myself up to someone who is not stable. She cares about me, but I do not know if I can ever look past what she has done, no matter how much time she has served.

lil_l2004

I'm not adopted, but I have friends who have been. I would say look for them, even if it's not what u expect it to be. U might find out why u do certain things, or u may find out why they gave u up, even if u don't like what u find out, just get to know them...I promise, everything has a good reasoning to why. It'll make u stronger and better...my friend was adopted, and he discovered that he has older sisters in another country. He speaks to them on the phone, but he never has gotten to see them. He plans on it tho. So u may find out something like that...go for it!

rachael

very positive experience. thats not always the case. some birthparents never pull themselves together. i was lucky.

i did it because i was so different from my family and they thought i was nuts, and come to find out im not. i am just cut from a different mould.
my birthmother is a big part of my life and i love her dearly, will never be mom to me, but i love her.
give it a go, but be prepared for the worst, just in case.

i hope you get what you are looking for

Old enough to know

I was not adotped but I think you reach a certain age where no matter how happy you are you just need to know. Can't blame anyone for that. I think it's important too so you know the medical side of your family in case you have children

gale c

yes i would look for my biological parents, for many reasons , like why they put me up for adoption, and and can i g visit..

MissM

My half-sister Jennifer was given up at age 1 when our mother was unable to care for her anymore financially (she was our mom's first kid born when mom was only 19).

Jennifer loves her adopted family very much but said she always wanted to know where she came from. We ended up finding each other when Jennifer and I posted on the same reunion board and the coordinator called and said we had a match.

I know that the main feeling of curiosity she had was resolved by meeting us, although she still feels a little like an outsider because she does not resemble our mother, or any of us (her 3 half-siblings). Mom says she takes after her father, a married man that would not want anything to do with her. I think it makes her sad that her dad was basically a loser and that she will not get to know that side of her family.

I also think she is sad sometimes because or mom can be neurotic, and she always tries to act perfect whenever Jennifer calls or visits. Mom had a lot of guilt about giving her up, and to this day she just can't be her real self around Jennifer b/c she feels unworthy. She feels like she has made an unforgiveable mistake and that despite Jennifer's kindness and a lovingness, that she must really hate her way down deep.

I think the thing to remember is that most parents who give up children for adoption do so because they have some sort of issues. As long as you realize that they will not be perfect, and will still probably have some of the same issues they had that led to adoption in the first place, it may be a good experience.

I hope that if you find your birth family, it is a wonderful experience.

Heather A

Yes, I have looked for my parents. Yes, I found them, no, it was not a good experience. But finding my siblings was a pretty good experience.

heart o' gold

I was not adopted, but I know two people who were adopted who did the search, and also a parent who gave up her son and when he became and adult he looked her up.

The folks I know who looked up their parents had mixed feelings, they said it was good to know them, but were not satisfied with the experience as there was not the 'bond' they were hoping to find.

The parent I know who's son looked her up is a former employer of mine, she is a horrible b!tch and I know it was very unsatisfying for her son when he looked her up and when he had a child she was expecting to be treated like a grandmother and be involved and he and his wife rejected her - probably best for them as she's not a good person to have in your life at all.

If you go in with no expectations it is best.

Sonora

I was not adopted- but I know 2 people who were and this is their experiences:

1. My grandmother- she never wanted to know who her parents were because she felt that it would be disrespectful of her own parents and the fact that they gave her a wonderful life. I found out who they were and even where they were via some paperwork but left it at that. She had passed away and it was on her birth certificate.

2. My friend found her birth mother- and was very disappointed. Her and her sister were adopted by the same family as babies- and the woman was cold. So they met twice and left it at that. She said it was not a positive experience and was not sorry she did it, but it was a disappointment.

So...I guess it depends on you sweetie.

Good luck to you!

Caligirlsmom

I was adopted and I have had some interest in locating my birth parents over the years, but have never been truly inspired to do the search. In Massachusettes, adoption records are sealed and, from what I understand, you have to petition the court to have the record unsealed. So, I guess I just never wanted to have to pay a lawyer to do this, especially when I live in a different state now. My daughter, for some reason, nags me now and then to do the search. My sister, on the other hand, who was also adopted, never wants to talk about it and thinks its wrong to search. My main reason for doing a search would be to acquire some medical history, so I would know what to keep an eye on now that I am older (50's). Right now I have to monitor everything and it would be nice to maybe eliminate a few diseases!!

Amaya Kyuuketsuki

Yes I would if I were adopted... I mean I would want to know right, like who gave birth to me, though I wouldn't consider them "my parents". The people who raised me would always be my parents, and the kids I were brought up with would always be my siblings.

jimthesnowboarder

I was born in honduras and adopted at three months old. I consider my adoptive parents to be my true parents and not my biological parents. First, my Spanish is terrible and if i met them, i would thank them for putting me up for adoption and giving me a chance at life. I want to look for my half brother who was adopted to and lives in the U.S.

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