People who are adopted...I don't understand...why aren't you happy?

AdoreHim

I am adopted and I have 2 adopted children. When I first found this site, I could not understand how so many could be unhappy with adoption. The more that I stay here though, the more I realize that some people do have real issues with their adoption, and some of them actually love their adoptive parents. It has to do with feeling rejected by their birth mom etc. My daughter who is almost 17 just told us today that the hardest thing about being adopted is that she does not know her health background. That does not mean she has had a unhappy life with us. Our son, who is 20 is sometimes torn between us and his biological family, who he met a couple of years ago. Any one that says that adoption is for puppies, could not possibly understand adoption at all. If those people found out that they could not have children, all of a sudden their idea may turn around. I once said here that I was lucky and thankful to be adoption, and some people blew me out of the water because of it. I have learned to let it roll off my back, and just feel sorry for these people.

EDIT- obviously people disagree with me too- how sad that someone that is actually happy about adoption gets so many thumbs down- that proves to me that there are many bitter people out there

kitta

Some of them aren't happy because there was no reason for them to be adopted in the first place.

they were adopted to fill an industry need.

they could have stayed with their mothers, who wanted them.

cantstopLinnyG

If you have been reading here, then why are you asking this question? It's asked at least twice a day. That's why there is a "resolved questions" area.
Im just going to copy and paste this answer every time I see this question. After I yawn.

I am happy with my life.
I love my adoptive family.
I am not grateful, because EVERY child deserves love.
My life was NOT better because I was adopted. Different, but NOT better.
My "birth parents" are highly educated people and have never done a drug in their lives
I do not know of any adoptee who says they would have rather been abused by their bio parents.

Adoption is not ALWAYS better. It is only better if there is extreme neglect or abuse, and then, it is best if a family member can become the child's legal guardian.

Do you have children? There is NO stronger bond than that of a mother and her baby. That baby has known that mother for 9 months. It is primal. The baby knows it's mother's voice, natural movements, breathing patterns, heartbeat, reactions to outside stimuli, and her scent. It is scientific fact.

When a baby is taken from its natural mother, never to be returned, the child suffers from what is known as the primal wound.

http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php

Some of us WERE torn from our mothers.

Adoption can be a good thing, IF it is done correctly. The adoptees on this site whom you think are not happy & say "adoption is wrong" are not completely anti-adoption, nor are we unhappy. We are anti- UNETHICAL adoption. Meaning, there is a MAJOR problem with the system.

Adoption is a world wide, BILLION dollar industry. There are serious problems with International Adoption, because corrupt government have no strict policies as to how children are "made available" for adoption, and it is legal human trafficking.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story...

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/opi...

http://www.foreignpolicy.com/story/cms.p...

http://www.youtube.com/user/adoptedthemo...

The problem is for most, adoption is NOT about finding homes for children, it is about finding a fresh new baby for the adoptive parents. There are those amazing adoptive parents who do it right, and go through Foster Care, but many do not. They want a new baby, with no baggage....or so they think...They all but ignore the fact their children had another family first, and never allow the child to grieve the loss of their first mother. In doing so, it sets the child up for a lifetime of confusion.

The other a p's, the ones who stand by their words and do the right thing for their child, are the ones who abide by their original Open Adoption contract. This ensures that the child will not be stripped of his or her heritage, and know who they came from, whom they look like, etc. It's a win win situation for everyone. Unfortunately, open adoptions are not legally enforceable in the U.S., and the promise of an open adoption is usually thrown out on the table to get a mother to agree with adoption.

These are basic things. There will always be a "need for adoption", but there is NEVER a need for bad adoptions. Until our society STOPS buying babies from overseas back alley baby mills, and allows for ENFORCEABLE Open Adoptions, this will not happen.

Our society needs to help keep families together, instead of tearing them apart.

I am adopted. I had great parents. But like most adoptees, I did not have the so called "better life". Different, but NOT better. I am lucky that I am in reunion, and know and love BOTH of my families. There's enough love to share, and that's what it's supposed to be all about, isn't it?

So, while there are things about adoption that make me unhappy, Im a happy person. ESPECIALLY now that I have been reunited with my natural family.

Why do we search? Because it's our story, it's our truth. Yes. I am adopted. Yes. I love my adoptive family, but I needed to know my "roots", my WHOLE truth, and that whole truth includes 2 different families. For me, it is a need, no different than the need for air. Its part of me, part of my story, and it is real.

People ask adoptees if they are "ungrateful" or "angry" when they search. Or, they ask if they worry they would hurt their parents when they searched. I tell people it was BECAUSE I had a great family that I need to search. That it would be hypocritical of me to NOT want to know my natural family, when I take so much pride in my adoptive family.

If you want to know more about how adoption can affect adoptees and their families, check out some of these links.

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org
http://www.motherhelp.info/index.htm
http://www.cubirthparents.org/edd/index....
http://www.thegirlswhowentaway.com/

myst1998

What is with the assumption that adoption is better? Please do some research into the previous questions asked and you will find why there are many people as well as adoptees who are not happy with adoption.

Laurel J

Because being adopted is not a sure road to perfect bliss. If it were, very few people would raise their own children. Plenty of non-adopted people who had a loving, healthy family who provided for them aren't happy either, but I rarely see them taken to task for it the way adoptees are.

I love my a'family and I am reasonably happy. That means I don't have to rationalize my having been adopted with stuff like "It was meant to be" or "I have an obligation to be more grateful than people who weren't adopted."

Joycie

i would say for most people its because they feel rejection so early in their lives and it is hard for them to get out of it. Even if they do have a loving family it still is hard for them because they feel like they should have been loved by the biological parents

Heather B

I'm unhappy with the stigmas, secrets and lies and discrimination against adoptees who ask for their records, only to have them witheld, when every otehr non-adopted citizen has access to their own birth records without question

I have an aversion to people who defend this discrimination and also to people who put heir own needs before the needs of a child. Oh, and people who dictate that adoptees should be grateful.

I'm very happy now that I've finally found my lost family

My adoptive family know that I love and adore them, and I don't feel the need to reassure strangers of this fact.

Erin L

I'm not adopted. I'm an adoptive mother, and my daughter will be allowed to feel however she feels. First, I've NEVER heard anyone say they'd rather be with abusive first parents than adoptive parents. However, whatever the situation, it is always a loss for adoptees not be with the people who mirror them genetically and perhaps racially, no matter how good the adoptive family is, and yes it is a lot of times a better situation than the biological family. That doesn't mean there isn't sadness and loss involved, and it doesn't mean they don't love or appreciate their adoptive family. Furthermore, it is up to every individual to feel HOWEVER THEY WANT about situations in their own life. They shouldn't be told to feel a different way. If they feel loss, they feel loss. It's that simple. It hurts to be told not to feel that. If you are sad about something, doesn't it hurt if someone simply tells you to "get over it"? It does me, even about trivial things, much less major losses in my life. Also, I HAVE heard adoptees who have said they don't feel a lot of sadness or loss, mostly are happy to have the adoptive family they have. It's hard to understand the contradictory emotions involved in adoption until you've lived it. I was definitely aware of loss before adopting, but actually living through seeing my daughter, the person I love most in the world, grieve deeply for her foster family, seeing a mother sob at seeing her baby for the last time, seeing a quiet, sad foster mother with grief in her eyes tell people strangers about the habits/likes/dislikes of the baby she had cared for for 9 months. In that situation, as much as I LOVE my daughter, becoming her parent was also filled with a lot of sadness, and her joining our family came from sadness, that is simply part of her life.

Anha S

I was torn away from my mother. I was placed with my aparents months before she even signed over her rights. And in between the time of my placement and her actually signing the papers, the workers at the CAS and a nun she was close to launched a nasty campaign to make sure that she didn't feel she could parent me in any way shape or form. It worked.

Why should i be any more greatful for my family than the average joe? I don't go up to random strangers and ask them gee aren't you just ever so greatful your natural parents raised you? I suppose I could also throw in the gee aren't you happy you weren't aborted bit too, adoptees get that a lot.

What you hear about your birth parents may not even be true! My amom is recently dealing with a lot of guilt she shouldnt have to carry because she passed on what turned out to be a whole pack of BS to my abrother and I about our families. She was also horrified to learn that I had an older full blood sister when I was adopted, and has spent years trying to come to terms with that. In our last conversation she told me flat out that she wished that she'd known, and was furious that the social workers hadnt even attempted to help my mother parent me. I wouldn't base lucky or greatful or better life on something I couldn't even be sure was true.

I don't know anyone who would sign up to be abused just because they shared biology.

Overall, my adoption was shady. The information I got was mostly the social worker's creative writing in action. I hope she got a good grade. I'm unhappy about it because for years I was made to put up and shut up because any kind of negativity about this issue makes society at large very uncomfortable. I'm unhappy that it is so darned difficult to elicit any kind of change for the better in this area.

SJM

First, my adoptive mother wasn't healthy. I always just took that as a fact of life, but now that you mention it, I would have been spared her death and illness had I not been adopted. I'm not that shallow, though. She didn't intend to become ill. It happens to natural parents as well. My natural father has no memory of his mother because she died when he was very young. Death is a fact of life.

Please understand that adoption is not a cure-all. There is no fairy godmother, no magic pumpkin coaches, and no glass slipper ensuring we land in the perfect family with the perfect happily ever after. Adoption is real life, and real life is never wholly good or wholly bad. Part of the human experience is to share the bad with the hope that the generations who follow may learn from our mistakes. Adoptees would like to share in the human experience.

Being torn from one's mother is not a small thing. Babies are not blank slates. It is perceived by some that it is easier for a child to lose its mother when it is very small. This is untrue and small-minded. Babies cannot express their distress through language, but they are certainly able to understand their mother is gone. Unlike an older child, there is no way to explain to a baby the reason for her absence. To learn as an adult that one has suffered this loss not at the hands of their mother, but at the hands of society against her will for the greater good is a bitter pill to swallow. I would be remiss if I did not protest. I will not be silent knowing that those in positions of authority stripped women of their children against their will for no reason other than marital status. There was a time when children were literally stolen from their mothers. This is a crime against humanity, and it should be exposed.

Placement with nice adoptive parents does not correct the mistake. As my (adoptive) daddy used to tell me, "Sorry doesn't pay the bill." Justice is yet to be served.

Dreamweaver ILF posse 2009

I am very happy. I don't much wonder about heritage. I like being a mutt. I don't stress over my amended birth certificate...its just a piece of paper that allowed me to go to school, get a job and a passport. I dont' think much about my b-family. My mom was in her late 30's with other children when I was born. She traveled hundreds of miles to have me here and then went back home.
I love my parents, my family, my friends, my pets, my kids, my man...lol
I'm quite well adjusted.

Brecke

I am adopted. I am VERY happy. My parents are two amazing people who could not conceive but desperately wanted a child. Needless to say, I have always been spoiled. One of those babies that was never put down. I can tell you my life now couldn't be any better and I am SO grateful I was put up for adoption. I don't have the desire to ever meet my birth mother. I have pictures and a letter...thats more than enough. I'm also in a situation where my parents are the only thing I know. I was adopted 2 days after I was born. I had an amazing life right from the start.

Adoption is not just for puppies. The life my parents gave me IS better than the life my birthmother could have given me. She was 15 years old...Still a child herself.

Mei-Ling

LOL. You think us spending 2 minutes typing out responses on a Y!A forum indicates our entire lives and whether or not we're happy?

Why wouldn't I be happy? Why wouldn't I be happy with the family I got, as long as they loved and cared for me?

So, on that same note, why shouldn't I be allowed to feel unhappy that my original family grieved for so long and that my place was originally with them?

Don't they count, too?

Mel

I think it's more likely that a lot of unhappy people use the internet to cry about their unhappiness. There are plenty of adopted people who are more than content with their loving happy families.

sisinho2

I'm assuming u have a very healthy/good/happy life! Which is really good these days!!
Everyone in this wrold has their own issues, and these issues are because of the decisions we make during lifetime!!!
I currently live in australia (originally from IRAN), and it's a very good country! Much better than mine, but i can't be happy for some reasons! I mean, my parents are divorced, i have a lot of issues with my father at the moment, he's lived here for a long time, he's a completely different person than what he used to be and etc... it goes on!
I've never had my family together, i was raised by my mom 'till i was 14, then i came here, and now im living with my father! So, when u say if u have ur family with u, and they care about u just s much as they do to themselves, then u should be happy..... that's true! but not everyone gets that!!
Long story short: "Life is complicated!"

Roe vs.wade supporter

i dont understand either. they feel as though they should have been loved by their biological parents but it doesnt work that way. they were put up for adoption for a reason..good or not.

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: