Please explain to me, how can you take someone elses baby and act like it yours?

grapesgum

Like you, I don't get it. Fortunately, the "as if born to" myth is dying is last pathetic breath, and most adoptive parents do acknowledge that their children do have two families.

cantstopLinnyG

Generalize much?

Not ALL ap's do this. Many did, back in the bse, because that's what they were told to do.

My first mother was a "ghost" to me, as she was never brought up. My ap's never spoke poorly of her, they just didnt speak of her at all. Which, in hindsight is almost as bad. It allows kids to make up stories in their heads, and it forces them to grieve in silence.

I guess my a Mom did sort of "pretend", just as I "pretended" she was my n Mom.There was no malice intended, though, it was just the way things were back then. She is my Mom...but to pretend I did not have another mother is something I will not allow. My a Mom and I have become a lot closer once I shared with her all the books I have read about how my adoption has affected me.

Hopefully, people will learn from the mistakes of the bse and be more open with their adopted children about their first families. Its another reason why closed and International adoptions are wrong on every level. There should be no secrecy, no lies, and there should be every step taken to make sure children keep in contact with their first families, heritage and culture.

The ap's who get it right are the ones who acknowledge the loss of the child,the loss of their child's first Mother, and if applicable, their loss of not being able to conceive. They're the ones who openly talk about their childs family, and do not make the child feel guilty for missing and loving and wanting to be reunited with them some day.

aloha.girl59

My son has two mothers: his first mother and me. He knows this. I don't ever pretend that I gave birth to him; to him or anyone else. I am, however, the mother who is able to care for him properly. I didn't solicit a pregnant woman for her baby and I didn't purchase a child on the black market. My son was in foster care because his first mother was unable to take care of him. I don't have any guilt about it. I'm sorry that she was unable to take care of her own children, but I am grateful every day that this little boy is here with me, enriching MY life.

BLW_KAM

I don't pretend. We have an open adoption. Our daughter has always known who her natural mother is and who her everyday mother is.

Many adoptive mothers these days don't prescribe to the delusion of pretense or ownership. We recognize and honor the fact we are raising some else's child.

kateiskate

Your question is difficult to answer because these kinds of situations are really complex. I don't believe that it is right for an adoptive parent to behave as though the child has no prior history to joining their family. Fortunately for kids today, I do think that adoptive parents are beginning to evolve and realize how complex adoption is for the adoptee. Unfortunately for adult adoptees we are still left to deal with the baggage left over from our parents NOT knowing quite how to "deal" with things.

Sofiakat

I acknowledge my kids mother. In fact when random strangers question my daughter's very very blond hair (I have quite dark hair) I tell them she gets it from her other mother.I don't think pretending does anyone any good. Although my daughter does not remember her mother, I keep her memory alive the best I can.

Carnie C

do (a)parents love their child like they were born of their own loins? yup, felt it every day with my parents.

Doesnt' mean that they denied that another woman gave birth to me. they told me everything they could at age appropriate time as well as maintained a copy of the OBC.

do you think adoptive parents should act differently towards their kids or what? i don't understand where your question is going.....

IDK!!

do you ever think about the mother? EVERYDAY
or do you pretends that she doesn't exist? NOPE, SHE'S VERY REAL AND IN OUR SONS LIFE
how can you not think that an adoptees mother had to be in dyer straits to give her baby up to adoption! i NEVER CLAIMED SHE WASN'T, IF SHE WEREN'T SHE WOULD HAVE PARENTED HIM.
if you keep pretending it's yours does it work eventually? I DON'T OWN ANYONE, I AM HIS.

YOU ARE A SLY ONE.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

simple answer?

you can't.

Randy B

Do I ever think of the mother (and father, they have one of each you know)? Not really. My efforts are focused on raising the children that are now my responsibility to raise, something that both of their sets of parents were either unable OR unwilling to do for a multitude of reasons.

I don't need to pretend that my daughters are mine, they are. Just as I am theres. I'm their parent, their source of safety and security. I don't see anyone else coming forward to raise them and I don't see anyone else that they depend upon for love and support.

Children are placed for adoption for many reasons and some are even apprehended by social services agencies and eventually adopted for their own security and safety. Regardless, they all deserve a safe and loving home, without qualifications, conditions, limitations or any asterisks.

Julia

I think about my two adopted kids mother every day. I thank her everyday and pray for her heart to be eased for her loss. Those two kids are mine. I take care of them, I kiss their boo-boos, I tuck them in at night, they are my children. My daughter is too young to understand, but I talk to my son about his three mothers. His mom that he grew in her tummy, his foster mom, and now me. I will continue to talk to him and his sister as they get older, and can understand more. Eventually, when they want, I will help them find her.

Airey

My parents adopted my brother 4 years ago from my cousin. She was 16 and didn't want him. My parents did. My mother went to all the birthing classes with my cousin, was at the hospital at her side the entire time she was in labor, stayed at the hospital taking care of him the entire time while my cousin chatted on the phone to her friends, my cousin put him in the car seat exactly 24 hours after he was born and said "go home with your mommy" and handed him to my mom. She has only bothered to see him twice in his life- the day she came down to officially give up guardianship of him to my mother (he was a week old) and the day the adoption was made legal (when he was 6 months old). Since than she has asked after him on occasion when we visit and smiles at his pictures that mom shows her but he has always been my parents child and my brother- we don't need to pretend.

Rowan

My aparents thought about my bio mom, i'm sure. I was lucky, i got decent adoptive parents who weren't afraid of the truth.

They never pretended she didnt exist, it would never have occured to them to do that, and this was in the 80s!

ETA: i'm with Carnie? Do you WANT APs to start treating their adoptive children differently, simply because they are adopted?

Not my fault either

i didn't "take" anyone's baby.
i don't pretend she doesn't exist
i know she was in "dyer straits" but it was her choice to relinquish.
i don't pretend i gave birth to the child.
the child IS mine.

sorry about the dyslexia but thats the least of your problems.

JoHn S.

In our case, there wouldn't have been a baby to 'take', if the baby wasn't 'given away'. So, I feel absolutely no guilt, whatsoever.

Yes, I think of her often, even though the choice was to not have any contact. Regardless, I sincerely wish her the best in life that she can possibly find.

And, there is no PRETENDING that this child is ours, because he IS our child.

icehockeymom7

Hmmmm, let's see. My daughter was left under a tree wrapped in a blanket at age 3 weeks. She had no note, she had no trace of the identity of her birthparents. She was taken to an orphanage in China, where her birthfamily never appeared. Do I think about her birthmother? All the time. I know she must have been in dire straits to have to make that choice. But I am NOT pretending my daughter is mine. She IS mine. She has a biological mother, and I sure wish we had a way to know her. But we do not. And I am her mother, she is my daughter, and that does not erase her bio mother or father, it does not erase the pain of that loss. But it also does not make me a "false" mother to my daughter. No pretending here.

Serenity71

Is that what you did!!! Forced a woman to give up her baby just so you could pretend your the biological parent. How do explain to your kid why they don't look like you?
Shame on you.... >:(

You really need to get educated on raising adopted children....
You have to break the news to you kids mate and tell your adopted kid the truth its the only way to make amends. Have apologised to the childs birth mother yet for taking the baby away from her and pretending she doesn't exist?

I hope you forgive yourself one day for pretending that you gave birth to him/her...and them lying to your child about it.

(You have to be a sandwich short of a picnic to be taken seriously mate with a question worded like that.)

Besides what happened to Jennifer L's answer?

Indian-vision

Does your rude and "wanting to pick" a fight question deserve a serious response ?I don't think so. But i'll be the bigger person.(as usual)

Firstly i didn't "take"any one's baby. We did things with "mutual consent".

Yes i don't "pretend" she is mine.........she is very much mine as much as any bio child is of their bio mother. Would you rather an adopted child be treated as a "stranger" after adoption by his adoptive family? I don't pretend i gave birth to her. Every one around me knows and so will she as she is old enough to understand.

Yes i do think of her birth mother and worry about her as much as i would think of ANY other close family member who is not close by. I even send her letters and photos often.

Yes our child's birth mother was in dire straits when her boyfriend made her choose between him and her child(not his). It was her choice. Its no ones place to tell a woman to choose her boyfriend or her love child.
I don't pretend.........i am her mother and my child knows i am her mother. She is as attached to me as i am to her.

AdoreHim

You must have not had a good adoption experience if you have to ask such an accusatory question. I am adopted and have 2 adopted children- and yes, I do think about my birth mom , and the birth moms of my two children, but to answer your question more directly, THEY ARE MY children, so I do not have to act like they are. Even the birth mom of our son, told our son when they met 2 years ago, the we are his parents. I don't have to pretend sweetheart.

sizesmith

First of all, the son I am raising was born in my heart, which took a lot more abuse through the process than my body did when I gave birth to my first son. He will always be both of ours, in my heart. I think about her every day. I hope she'll come and visit sometimes.

My son is just that in one way, my son who I love forever, have bonded with very strongly. His first mom didn't bond with him like that. She's been offered everything I have to raise him if something happens to me, and she doesn't want him. I don't pretend I gave birth to my son, I just love him like I did.

jewels

I didn't take someone else's baby. A grown up 24 year old woman sought out adoption. Nobody took her baby. I think about her but I spend more time raising my child and being a good mom and wife. My baby is mine. Ignorant people like you who generalize everyone into one category are really what I would call a bigot. Would you rather me abuse my child and act like I hate him? You are not very smart. I'm with Jennifer L. Seems like you can dish it out but can't take a little back atcha!

nighteam

Because of their age, we do not talk much about our children's birth families. When they are older we will introduce more information as age and developmentally appropriate. If of children want to search for their birth family we will support them and have the necessary information, though in our children's cases their safety will have to be considered.

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