Private adoptions?

Theresa

In my private adoption, the play by play went as follows:

1.) Reproduce
2.) Disappear

There's some 'play-by-play' here too

http://www.keepyourbaby.com/

Lillie

I was given up for adoption at the age of 4 months.

It was the hardest thing I have had to live with for the last 34 years of my life.

It nearly destroyed my mother.

I really, really hope you consider long and hard the consequences of this on your child. Yes, YOUR CHILD.

Adoption is not giving your child a "better" life; it is giving your child away. There are no guarantees your child will get "good" parents, that these people will love your child, will even stay together. Have you noticed the divorce rates lately?

Think about this.

If there is any way possible that the two of you can parent your own child, then who is better suited than the people your child already knows and loves and is bonding with at this very instant?

LaurieDB

Hi Bortello,

I'm adopted and not anti-adoption. I am, however, pro-caution. Take it slowly, since you two haven't even had your baby yet. I know that these adoption agencies will call you birth parents, but you're not birth parents yet. "Birth parents" is a term that should only apply to people whose child is already born and who have actually relinquished their parental rights for their child to be adopted. You two are still expecting, and have a ways to go.

A lot of good information has been shared, including the experiences of some birth parents. I'll just suggest to you is to keep in mind that open adoption agreements are not enforceable by law. If the adoptive parents close the adoption, you cannot do anything about it under the law. Also, if you change your mind about adoption, do not feel obligated to go through with it. This is ultimately your baby and you have every natural right to keep him or her. Absolutely nothing that happens throughout this process obligates you to relinquish your child if you decide not to do so.

Adoptionissadnsick

I so agree with beegirl...

It sounds like you've been going to very biased sites. You are expecting parents, you haven't terminated your rights. The birth- terminology is an industry ploy to make you feel psychologically distant from your unborn. To make you feel detached, so you are able to walk away from your firstborn, your flesh and blood, and allow others to earn thousands of dollars from the sale of your baby. http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/Why_Birthmother_Means_Breeder.html

Here's a page full of other parents ecperience with adoption http://www.exiledmothers.com/babies_taken_for_adoption/index.html

You should check out that whole site. Study about what losses your baby will feel. They aren't stupid, and parents aren't interchanable. Anyone else would be second best, in the most favorable situation. Often that doesn't even happen.

Lori A

I am a birth mom who went through an agency in a closed adoption, but my roll was exactly the same as Teresa's, Reproduce and Disappear. No matter which route you choose be ready for what happens to the two of you afterward. Not to mention what changes your child will go through. It took 28 years for me to find peace after that day. That's how long it took for her to find me. It took another 8 years to find her father. She has been in complete reunion for 3 months. My best advice would be to do your home work and make sure this is what you want to do.

Adoption can be a good alternative. My daughter got great parents, but it didn't change the questions in her head or the feeling of not being quite part of the family.

Read up on the medical information nightmares some adoptee's face.

jessica300

being counseled by an adoption agency???

guided by a lawyer???

Oh man, you sure are getting some sh*tty answers.

How about looking your son or daughter in the eyes when the/she comes into this world and giving parenting a try? You need to think (and read) about the life-long consequences of losing you flesh and blood forever. You can always make the decision to surrender your child AFTER he/she is born, but please, give the 3 of you a chance to be a family first!

I've "been there, done that" can't recommend it.

One link that I would ask you to read before you make this very permanent decision:

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/wish.html "Things I Wish I Knew When I Was Considering Adoption"

I really and sincerely wish that I had had even some of this information given to me before I signed TPR in 1984. Still regret losing my son to adoption.

PS: You are a father - not a "birth"father; your girlfriend is a mother - not a "birth"mother; that "birth" terminology is called coercion.

Best of luck with your family. Email me if you want some links for supporting your family staying together.

ETA: Well obviously you're very enlightened and caring - 1) you call your child "it" 2) you don't know what's going to happen - you want the "play by play" of how to get rid of your son or daughter. I'd give you the play by play of how it feels OVER YEARS to lose you child at every stage of his/her life but I don't think you care right now, and I am sorry for that, but it is soooooo typical of young people who lose their child to adoption. The magnitude of their "decision" only hits them years down the road when they think, "oh, ****, what have I done?"

best of luck!

beegirlny

I agree with those telling you not to rush into adoption. Yes there are good families out there who want to adopt (I got one of them) but it doesn't mean everything will turn out happily ever after. They are not anti-adoption they are pro-children. Children should be with their natural parents.

I had a great childhood but I never felt quite right. I felt like I didn't belong in my family. I felt that for as long as I can remember. As I got older, it felt like I had a hole inside of me that I couldn't fill no matter how hard I tried. I felt like I didn't have an identity, I had to be who my adopted family expected me to be. I was special, I was chosen, I had to be good. They didn't put those pressures on me, I put them on myself. I was afraid of being abandoned and never let anyone get too close to me. I rejected people before they could reject me. My own birth parents rejected me, didn't want me, why would anyone else?

I didn't realize that my problems (these and others) were caused by adoption until I was 34 years old. Before that I would have been one of those adoptees who would have told you that adoption didn't affect me. A lot of adoptees grow up feeling like that but don't realize that adoption is the cause until they have their own children or something else triggers it. For me it was reading The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier.

It sounds awful, but if I could have chosen as a baby it would have been #1 Keep me, #2 Abort me, #3 Put me up for adoption.

Your baby wants to be with you, for richer or poorer, through good times and bad. I would have chosen the "harder" life if it meant I could have grown up with my natural family. At least then I would have known who I was and I would have felt whole.

Please think about it.

Possum

Open adoptions are not law enforceable - once the adoptive family have that child - you could well be removed completely from the picture.

Do not believe all that adoptive parents, adoption agencies and adoption lawyers tell you.
Do some of your own research.
They want you to give up that baby.

That baby really just wants you to keep him/her.

Anything is possible.
Please just look to see if you are able to parent.
I ask you for your child's sake.

I had great adoptive parents - but - I missed my bio family all my 38 years of living.
I lost my name, my family, those that look and act like me, my heritage, my story, my self image, my self worth.
I finally found them these last 2 years - and although I finally have some peace from knowing why etc - it still hurts.

Thanks.

BPD Wife

There are several options available to you once you have made the decision this is what you truly want to do.

You can proceed with a private adoption - however I highly recommend that you get your own attorney and the adoptive parents get their own attorney to insure that everything is done in the best interest of the child.

You can also go through an agency to do an "identified adoption". This is how we did it. We have a beautiful open relationship with our son's grandparents (the bio-parents chose to walk away from it). We had a wonderful experience with our adoption agency and I would highly recommend them if you are on the East Coast. If nothing else, they can give you information or possibly refer you to someone else who can help explain things to you. We used Adoptions From the Heart (www.adoptionsfromtheheart). Our son's bio-grandparents also speak highly of them too, so I know that they as the bio family were happy with how everything took place (and the bio family found us before we spoke to the agency).

Good luck to you. Don't let some of the answers you received get you down. This is a serious decision that you and your girlfriend must make for your child. In the end, your opinions are all that matters. Don't worry about what others say here.

tickled blue

It depends largely on the role you want to take and that the parents want to take.....I would prefer open adoption, but it is your choice....see here for more info:

http://ffpa.org/faq.php4

rachael

ok, i can feel the thumbs down breathing down my neck, but here i go any way.....

i am an adoptee, not a birth/bio/first (whatever) parent. as a matter of fact my biomother is Lori A (above answerer).

yes she gave me up, yes she had remorse, yes she was unable to care for me. the list goes on. i agree you need to think long and hard about the choice you are about to make. it will be with you FOREVER. day and night, but .....
i was given a lease on life. my bioparents could not raise me, not at that time in thier lives. they did not dump me, i was not unwanted, i was unable to be cared for. period.

you do what is right in your heart. but do yourself a favor and honestly sit down and think about what you are doing. you have to have some amount of comfort with all this.
i thank Lori A and my biofather all the time for what they gave me. for being strong enough to admit their limitations and doing the selfless act. i had a great life and now, years later, i also have both bioparents too.

whatever you and your girlfriend decide, i wish you the best of luck.

mom of many

you will need a lawyer and they will probably guide you.

Still Me

It's good that you have a great family already. But why not have them go through a licensed agency, so that you and they can receive adoption counseling? So that they can be thoroughly checked out to make sure they have no hidden issues? So you can get support services?

The agency will take care of all the legal work as well. And they can enforce any continuing contact plans you have for the future. They act as your advocate. This is called an "Identified Adoption" since you already have an adoptive family. Agencies are familiar with this and can cater their services for you.

If you need anymore info, please feel free to email me.

Good luck!

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