Question about late adoption?

Pinky

At least you went through the steps and tried to provide for him. You didn't specify whether or not you actually WANTED to get pregnant (I am assuming not). My brother and his girlfriend were trying to get pregnant and their income is about $1300 a month. My brother receives Social Security and his girlfriends gets a small amount from her ex husband. I wanted to smack the crap out of them. I just had my baby boy 4 months ago, my husband and I were not ready. Since I have been laid off, my husband brings in TWICE what they get a month and we can't afford our baby. We are so blessed to have parents who are paying for all of my son's expenses. The difference between you and my brother? You KNEW you couldn't afford a baby from the beginning, but you tried anyways. I know my brother's child is going to end up in foster care, it is just a matter of time. If my husband and I could we would take there baby and adopt it (we plan on adopting 2 kids).

You have found someone who wants a baby and better yet, you know your baby will be in a good home! Perhaps you can arrange an open adoption? Considering the fact you have psychological problems you may be taking your son out of a dangerous environment and putting him into a positive one. I commend you for TRYING even though you knew you could not afford a baby. Don't listen to others, odds are they are adoptees who had a bad past. My siblings and I were all adopted and we had the best life possible. we were all taken out of a horrible environment and put into a good environment. Never once did my parents hide the fact that I was adopted. And as I got older, my parents told us about how all of us were adopted.

I hope everything works out for you and you still get to have some role in your son's life.

PhilM

The child psychologist lied to you. Children that age may not have verbal memories. But children only a few minutes out of the womb already recognize their mother's face. He knows you. He will be devastated to leave you.

You need to leave your husband. I do not say this lightly. And I don't think this is an easy thing to do. But if he beats you, you need to leave him.

Once you are away from him, you can get help raising your son.

If you must give your son up, please know that he will miss you. He may be upset to be given up. And he is likely to suffer ill effects from it. Don't do this and lie to yourself that he will be in ignorant bliss. He won't be.

ETA: Some reading for you to better understand the potential effects of this on your son:

* "Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self" by Brodzinsky, Schecter, and Henig

* "Journey of the Adopted Self" by Betty Jean Lifton

* "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier

If you have left your husband, then get the help you need to raise your son.

ETA2: I'm sorry, I thought you wanted to hear people's perspectives. I didn't realize you just wanted to be told it was okay to give him up. I wish you could see it the way your son will one day. That's why I encourage you to investigate the effects adoption has on children.

Further, how is it kind to give him to a woman who is dying? He will lose two mothers before he's an adult? How do you think that will affect him? First you abandon him, then his replacement dies? A dying acquaintance adopting him sounds like he's going from a difficult situation with his own mother to a downright tragic situation with strangers.

snowwillow20

I think you have no idea how giving up your child is going to affect you. You think you need psychiatric help now, wait a few months or years and you will really need help.
The guilt alone will drive you bonkers. Trust me, I've been where you are (no husband though) and I know deep in your heart that you think it's for the best, because I did too, I just knew I was making a good decision for the baby, well guess what...it wasn't best.. I regret it, I wish I would have tried harder to keep her. It's been 37 years and even though I've been in reunion for 8 years, I still live with the guilt of my actions.

Possum

Your child will never get over the fact that you didn't FIGHT to keep him.

Adoptees don't.
They want to be parented by their mothers.

Get your act together - and find a way to parent - instead of finding excuses to back out.

You can be a great mother - if you fight for it.

If they are such great friends - why can't they help you parent - instead of trying to take your child away from you.
Your pysch problems will only get worse once you lose your child.

Adoption is a long term solution to an often short term problem.
Turn your life around - and stay with your son - where both of you belong - TOGETHER.

Gaia Raain II

It seems you have some preconceived notions about what the "right" answer is. My answer is not going to be what you seem to want to hear. Your son needs YOU, not a stranger. And yes, the psych DID lie to you. I still have "body memories" from my infancy. I don't remember faces, sounds, smells, etc, but my body knows what happened when I was a baby, and I have never recovered. Don't take that chance. You can do this. You are intelligent, strong, capable, and you are a good mother. You are this child's ONLY mother. He NEEDS you. So yes, women's shelter, food stamps...whatever you gotta do, do it. Stick with it. Do NOT discount your importance to your son. He still does not see himself as being a separate being from you (that happens around nine months). How will he feel when part of himself disappears, and he doesn't understand why? No other woman can take your place. No matter how hard she tries, no matter how wonderful (or infertile) she is, your baby KNOWS that she is not YOU.

Not Adopted

"...allow one of our acquaintances who is dying to adopt a child take custody of him."

I don't understand why she is not offering to help you find the resources to get on your feet and keep your child. She sounds like a person who is willing to take advantage of a mother in a desperate situation in order to meet her own need to have a child.

You love your child, but this woman is trying to get what she wants, which is YOUR baby. Will you be happy with your child calling someone else "mommy?" Will the new parents allow you to have a permanent and influential role in your child's life? What if they raise the child in a way that is completely at odds with your own beliefs - will you be able to accept that? What if they later become unemployed/bankrupt and the "guaranteed college" is no longer an option?

Like we always say here....adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Your child will PERMANENTLY be the child of someone else, you will no longer be recognized as the mother.

Think about it. If you are truly incapable of raising this child, then you must make the best decision for the child. Just be sure you really know that this is what you want to do for your baby and yourself.

cantstopLinnyG

Oh. My. God. Your "child psychiatrist" should be sued for malpractice.
Disgusting. A child knows it's mother BEFORE it is even born. Check out the links Phil posted as far as long term effects go....yes- your shrink DID lie to you.

kateiskate

As an adoptee I can tell you from your son's future perspective that money and material things are not everything. They are little in comparison to the bond between mother and child. I get that you really care about your son and think this is the "right" thing to do, but honestly, no amount of things he could have would ever fill the void left by you leaving him. There is nothing more important for him to have than your love.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

you're fooling yourself. stand up and be responsible.

Kelly M

without even reading all this,. i think you're an idiot.

goodquestion

"She has had thirty foster children and tried to adopt four additional children"

Honestly, she sounds like the woman in California who had infertility treatments when she already had 6 kids (the youngest was a 1-year-old at the time) and ended up popping out 8 more. Or the woman in Iowa who wasn't content with her 1-year-old daughter either, so she got artificially inseminated and had 7 more. Why are some women so desperate to prove their worth by being called "mom" by as many children as possible?

I think deep down inside, you know that your son will be neglected at best, and probably abused if he joins that household. Leaving him in that situation would make you a bad mother.

Yes, you've had a bad time up until now. It sounds like your son is the only good thing that has ever happened to you. I'll bet you think you don't deserve anything good in your life. Well, you do! You've made great decisions up until now, leaving your abusive husband, loving your son, trying to figure out how to get out of the dark place you're in.

So many women have gone on public assistance for a short while when their babies are young. They get past it and move forward with their lives as soon as they can. You can do it too. If your family isn't supportive of you, talk to your religious leader or a nurse at your doctor's office. There are resources to help you through this temporary difficulty.

Don't let your son lose you. Be strong for a little longer. You'll make it!

BLW_KAM

I think you need to listen to your own heart. It probably knows that raising your son is what nature intended. But sometimes nature throws things at us at a time when we just aren't ready to handle them.

DON'T let anyone tell you what you should or should not do. The decision is up to you and your estranged husband. No one has the right to judge you if they aren't walking in your shoes. (Nor does anyone have the right to judge your friends and make assumptions about their motives.)

Have you considered an open adoption with your friends? With openness, your son won't be totally cut off from you and vice versa. We have an open adoption which includes face to face visits, phone calls and e-mails and so far, so good. It's been 10 years now and our daughter seems to be as well-adjusted as any tween can be. Likewise, her natural mother knows all she has to do is pick up the phone to talk to her daughter.

If you stay in his life and your friends are true, honest, and emotionally secure, your son has every chance to grow up to be a happy, well-adjusted adult.

Luv my kids 4evr

I think what your considering is a very brave and selfless thing to do - especially now since you've had the last 4 months to bond with the little guy.

I cannot begin to imagine how broken up over this you are. You seem so sure of yourself and I think that you need to follow your heart and make sure that your son has the best life possible.

It's so nice that your friend/acquaintance would be willing to have an openness with the adoption/placement. I think it will give you peace of mind knowing that your son is doing well and to see him well adjusted and thriving.

Don't let others put you down. You are by far the bigger person in doing what you know is right.

3boysmom

i would say good for you-if you know you have a stable,good home for your son to go to and you feel this is what is best for your baby,then you are being a good mother by doing what is best for your son and not just keeping him because of the mother bond you have with him. i know this must be a very hard decision for both you and your husband and its better to do it now instead of wait until your child gets taken away from you, because frankly it sounds like you both have some problems to work on. and just because you give him a different home doesnt mean you have to stop loving him! you will always love this little piece of you,no matter what happens in your life but you do need to be prepare to really let go of this child and let this other person be his mother. once you do it you cant go back!

Daisey Duck

You have tried and only you know what is best. If you have faith in this person and know that it will be better for the baby then you do what is best for the child. Don't let anyone tell you that you are wrong or a bad parent. A good parent puts the child's health and welfare first. I have no memory of my bio mother nor of my brothers and we were together till I was 2. I was 9months old when I was taken from my mother, almost 3 when finally adopted for good. I bonded with my mom and dad right away (had been in foster care with them before being adopted and then placed back in their care when that didn't work out) was adopted twice. You are not a bad person or parent. You have more wisdom then some at least you did try you know it hasn't worked well. Sometimes love isn't enough. And as far as how it affects the child being adopted is hard to say some have absolutely no problem with it while others do that all depends on the individual. I myself have had no problems with the fact that I was adopted. What do they think would be better you going to jail if you would happen to get caught stealing trying to provide for the child and I don't blame you for doing this as you were trying to provide for the baby the best you knew how . To me it seems that you are putting the child first not yourself. I know this can't be easy for you. But in the end you have to do what you know is best, those who put you down haven't walked a mile in your shoes and have no right to judge you. Good luck

I see the adoption haters are out. Sorry they can't understand how you feel (which by the way is what is important)

durdenslabs

You are NOT a bad mother!!! You have tried and tried and, for whatever reasons, things just aren't working out for you. I commend you for not immediately giving him up and at least trying. You are right though, love is not enough.

If your friend wants a baby to adopt, and you believe that person will do a wonderful job raising your son, then allow them the honor of doing so. Fees will be nominal and probably covered by your friend for the most part. They may even let you stay in your sons life if you live close by. You could watch him grow up, celebrate birthdays, and -- eventually -- be there when they tell him he's adopted. He'll be able to ask you questions that a lot of adopted children don't get to ask their parents. He may appreciate that you gave him a better chance at life...he may want to spend more time with you...he may resent you and never want to see you again. All children are different and age plays a big part in it.

Good Luck!

Lady Grinning Soul

Honey, King Solomen who was considered wise knew the real mother of the child when she was willing to let him go so he would not be hurt. I think that to let the wonderful people have this baby is the best thing here. You may see if they are willing to do an open adoption (if you think it would be healthy for you). Your life seems very complicated. If you can let go of what people think and know in your heart it is right. Let the baby have every opportunity.Blessings.

dancegirl_08

I think that is wonderful that you are not going to be selfish and tht you are going to do the right thing for your son. However my only concern is that you mentioned your acquaintance was dying. I fully understand that your friend would be able to give the child a good life when they were alive, but what about if/when they die. I understand that people could die anytime but I don't think it is wise to give the child to someone that you know is going to die soon. Your son is going to undergo some emotional trauma when he is adopted by a new family and if he loses another person that could be very hard on him. Is there anyone else you know who would like to adopt your son? Or could you look at an agency?

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