Question for adoptees??

Warrior Mom

I apologize for responding to this even though I'm not an adoptee. However, I do know a good bit about the mothers of my two adopted children. They both wanted their children. They both loved their children. They were not bad people. They were just young women who had lived a hard life themselves. They were on their own, and didn't have relatives who were helpful in any way. They had nowhere to live, and had to depend on relatives and/or acquiantances to let them stay. Eventually there would be a fight of some kind, and out they would go. They had a lot of problems themselves. Drugs and alcohol. But, again, their lives had not been easy either. Who knows what all they had lived through? But, the bottom line is that the court gave them time to do the things necessary to regain custody of their children, and they simply didn't have the ability to do those things. If they had had relatives who were able to step in and help out, it would have been a different story. But neither of the mothers had dependable relatives.

I believe they loved their children as much as they could. Who wouldn't? Who would just readily give a baby away or a child? If you are an adoptee, wondering why your mother didn't keep you, realize first and above all, that it had nothing to do with YOU. Easy for me to say, I know. Not so easy for you to believe. My daughter is 15 now, and she is struggling with that very issue. Even though I have told her all her life that her mother and father both loved her, but that they couldn't keep her safe. She has to come to terms with it herself. Maybe once she is able to meet them she can heal some of the pain she is feeling. I hope so.

sunny

In my mother's words, I was 'surrendered' in the early 60s.

There was no parental support (even though she was a wealthy girl), there was no WIC, there was no way to get child support from my father in those days, there was no Medicaid. There were no food stamps. There were no special loans for women to go to college as single mothers.

She had NO choice. She wanted me, but surrendered to the system that was in place in the 1960s in America.

LaurieDB

Adoption was the furthest thing from the minds of my parents when they had me. I wasn't relinquished until some stuff went down when I was 13 months old. My parents' marriage ended and some other things were happening. In an attempt to keep me from the effects of those things, my parents decided I'd be better off with another family.

After that, my father spent the next several decades looking for me. He had no idea that the pain would never go away. I don't know much about how my mother faired until her death by suicide in 2001, as she was already dead when I reunited with my father, who gave me information on locating my mother.

Samone

My story as I understand it (from both my records, and my birthmorther) is that in 1976 when my bmom became pregnant with me she had decided right from the start to place me for adoption. She was from a very conservative english family (they moved from england when my bmom was 6) and had seen her mom struggle as a single mother after her father had abadoned them (5 kids)

After my birth, my bmom decided she couldn't do it, and instead took me home.

Around the age of 2, my bmom became seriously addicted to drugs. She would leave me for weeks on end with a babysitter while she went to get her "fix".

Shortly after, my bgrandmother told my bmom that the time had come to make a decision. Either clean up her life, and give me a life or relenquish me for adoption. She chose the latter.

My bmom admits to everything in my story. She knows that she didn't make the right decision at the time, that's a reality that she will need to carry for the rest of her life.

Today, my bmom is completly clean (and has been for years) a happily married woman, middle to upper class, and the mother to my two siblings.

I'm very proud of my bmom now. Although we can never make up for lost time, we do have a very strong, very close relationship. We've been reunited for about ten years now.

She's an all round terrific woman now. I see it as a blessing to me to have her in my life.

PhilM

My mother was TOLD by her mother that she was going to give me up. She was sent away to live with a friend (out of state) where everyone (including nuns) told her that it was for the best. She heard it so much, that she started believing them. And she believed them right up until the point where she gave me up.

She spent the next 36 years wanting to undo that "decision."

Phoenix

She didn't want me. She was unmarried, young and Catholic, none of which probably helped. But my bio dad offered to marry her, if she wanted to keep me. But she decided it would be better for us all to give me up. She didn't want me. She had the option of keeping me, but didn't.
20+ years later, I'm still falling to pieces over it and she seems fine. Thanks "mom"!

I'm in counselling and I want to understand why she gave me up because I'm sick of being so angry towards her, but I really can't understand how you can give your child to strangers you never even met.

La Vie Boheme

Most of the birthmothers I have dealt with in my own personal search often felt they had no choice or rights. They did what they were told to do. Most were young and unmarried and did not have much of an option. Being a teen mother was just not accepted back then.

purrfectpals5

My birth mom was separated from my siblings' father and got pregnant with me (different father). My sibs' dad threatened to take them away from her, plus she knew she wouldn't be able to take care of me and them on her own (when she went into labor with me, my father pretty much dropped her off at the ER and left). So she opted to give me the chance at a good, stable, loving home (which I did get). So she gave me up willingly; not because she didn't want me, but because she knew that if she did I would have a better chance of having a better life. I was lucky enough to meet her (found her when I was pregnant with my first child), as well as speak to my birth dad on the phone; but aside from an occasional call or letter, we don't maintain regular contact right now.

Peaness

I was literally abandoned...not sure of the reason though.

Lisa R.

From What I understand, I was born to a Young Woman who was in College back in the 60's. She was un-able to care for me so I was placed up for adoption at birth.
I was raised by a wonderful family and had a brother (Different birth mother) who joined our family when I was 18 months. Being adopted for me was a wonderful experience, and I have never had any question that I was wanted or Loved.
I am now almost 46 and have had a wonderful life.

a healing adoptee

I was given up because of situations within my mother's life. I do know she wanted me, she just couldn't provide for me.

Laurel J

In the South, in 1965, single upper-middle-class white women did NOT have children. My mother didn't want to marry my father. Although I suspect her family would have supported a different decision, she did what was considered "the right thing" back then--she told all her friends she was going to visit her sister out West and went to live in a home for unwed mothers just across the state line until I was born.

I'm not sure wanting me or not entered into it; it's just how things were done.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

niether. the adoption agency told my aparents she couldn't take care of me.

when i met her, i found out she was coerced into it.

mlassi65

My mother was told I died at birth. No adoption was ever on her mind.

oopsydaisy

I wasnt taken away from anyone. My birth mother CHOSE to give me away, as she was too young (19). Makes me laugh though, she kept my older brother till he was one, then adopted him out, then she went on to have anouther and adopt that child out too. I dont think I will ever really understand, as I had my eldest when I was 19. But i may not really know the entire storey either. I have to respect her privacy, and have found out what I need to know so far. I still have alot of unresolved questions. We are slowly getting their though, and my adventure is still ongoing. I am sure that in time, I will find out the deeper issues behind my adoption. I was lucky to find all of my birth family, and still have an aquaintance with them. I am happy with that for now.

malwilhist

Well, I have an 8 yr old cousin who was adopted and he wasn't given up because he was abused or not wanted. He was given up because his birth mother knew she didn't have the money to support him. When questioned about his adoption, he will say, "My mom grew me in her heart, some other lady grew me in her body, and gave me to my mom and dad because she couldn't take care of me and she knew my mom and dad would do the best job so she picked them."

Paul N

I have done many adoption searches. My clients were usually adopted and looking for their biological mothers. I always had mixed emotions regarding the biological mother. Often the cause of the relinquishment was a heart rendering situation that was best handled by relinquishment. In those cases I was in awe of the biological mother who chose the very best option for her child and relinquished parental rights. May God bless them and give them peace. Other cases involved a variety of situations that included deplorable people who were so far out of reason that I expect they lived their life in a, well deserved, Hell on Earth. I finally had to retire from my services as I found the emotional load was more than I could bare. A dedicated searcher is always involved emotionally and that burden can not be endured indefinitely. I could write a book dealing with human emotions and the extremes that can be experienced. My heart goes out to the people who made huge mistakes in their lives and to those infants who were involved in relinquishments and adoptions and had others making decisions for them. I pray that God will forgive and bless them all.

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