Question for adult adoptees?

sunny

It's fine.

Other than shared history, we have nothing in common, they are very different people who have very different interests.

"Connected"? Hmmm. I think we (my aparents and me) feel a lot of guilt and shame.

They know they were not very good parents to me, they now GET that adoption is not really a solution, and feel bad that I lost my mother, whom they have met.

I feel sad that they try so hard now, when it truly doesn't matter to me anymore.

My focus is my husband and my three children.

Anha S

My AP and I had to work really hard to form a relationship during my adult years. We do the best we can, but it isn't this deep and meaningful parent/child relationship. It is what it is, and its fine that way. Considering how things were when I was growing up, its good that it even got to where it is.

Andraya

Honestly I don't feel connected to any of my parents in the ways most people do. I think I was hatched.

vmarie84

I'm not that close to my adoptive family at all and have never really had that bond with my adoptive parents. I think it could just be because I'm getting older and I can really see the differences in us. I cannot see myself in any of my family members. The older I get the more curious I get too, because I'm at the age where I want to have kids one day, and I know that I have no medical information or heritage to share with them. I have been searching for my birthmother, but I have no sign so far that she's looking. In the meantime I'm spending a lot of money and time searching. It does feel like I have no family sometimes, b/c I don't fit in with my adoptive family and who's to say I'll fit in with my birthfamily. Even though we're blood, they never raised me. We're strangers to be honest.

I do think it's sad that she wanted to know more about you before she met you. What does that mean? It's almost like she didn't want to accept you whoever you turned out to be. Mother's should love their children regardless.

BOTZ

I don't have much of any relationship with my adoptive parents or family (with the exception of my one, also-adopted younger sister). I don't communicate with my a-parents at all, although they try. I've grown past the point of continuing to let them hurt me by being in my life. It's not worth it. It hasn't been for a long time, but I've just recently, finally made the break. And, I'll tell you what -- I feel so much relief...and very, very little pain.

Honestly, there are two things about breaking with them that hurts me now -- and both have to do with my NATURAL parents, not my a-parents. I regret that I didn't get copies of more pictures of my life/activities as a child because now I don't have as much to share with my natural families (or children, if I ever have them). I regret that I left some of my childhood "things" there (in my a-parents home) because now I have only my memories of them and they are not as strong as I would like.

See? I don't miss the *people* at all. I don't miss the agony and heartache of trying to have a relationship with such broken individuals -- when it was for no other reason that my misguided sense of obligation. Someone here in Y!A sent me a personal message that said he/she (I don't know if this person is man or woman, based on avatar) had also severed the relationship with his/her parents -- and they were natural parents. The point of the message was that when our "families" (by whatever type of creation) are that sick and wrong, we don't OWE them our adulthood. We don't OWE them anything.

As to being "connected" -- no. I'm not connected to my a-family. I was never connected to them, except by geography/proximity. We never "bonded" or "attached" (except at the most superficial level) and, even though I was an INFANT at the time, they always blamed the lack of bonding/attachment on ME. Ugh!

I would encourage you to try to connect with your mother again, your NATURAL mother. Ultimately, it is up to you. I have never relinquished a child for adoption, so I don't really know for sure, but I think (from knowing my own mother and others who've surrendered children or had them taken for adoption) that your mother is working everything out from a place of extreme pain and trauma...and doesn't know how and if she fits into your life. I would suggest a position of compassion from you, if you are able to do that.

It might help you to talk with other first mother's who lost their children to adoption at around the same time that you were born and/or adopted. I know it did a world of good for me to speak with other mothers who lost/surrendered children around the time I was adopted. It gave me a sense of understanding (as much as possible) and compassion for my own Mom.

I wish you the best. I hope it works out the way you want it to.

Take care!

Mei-Ling

Yes, but it has become more complex now that I have "reunited" with my other parents.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

my dad is not living, but my mom and i are very tight. we get along well, as long as we don't talk politics. we're polar opposites.

she's a very crafty person and makes some beautiful things, and i don't have that gene. i wish i did, but nothing i make turns out well.... ever.

one thing we do together all the time is volunteer at a homeless shelter. we both LOVE love love going together.

Rowan

I was very close with my adoptive mother, we talked about everything. She was blind, and as i became a teenager, i helped her around the house with cleaning and all that. When she died, it was not a good time for me.
My dad was a truck driver, and was gone alot, so i never had much of a chance to get as close with him until after he retired. By this time, my a mom had died. He was, and still is, a tough person to get close too, all my siblings agree on that. We argued alot before he and his girlfriend moved to Ohio. We talk a lot.

Possum

My a-parents have passed away. My a-father died before my first b'day - my a-mum died when I was 18.
I also have two a-sibs - and we are still very close.
I think I would still have a close relationship with my a-mum - we were a tight family because we were on our own for so many years.
My a-mum didn't cope well with me wanting to find my bio fam - but she was told when she adopted me that once adopted children were adopted - they wouldn't want to know their bio family.
Ah - the 60's - and the misconceptions about an adoptee's needs!!

Being the adoptee is certainly difficult - as we're in between - never completely part of either. Many adoptees feel this way - not all - but I know a ton that do.

Many relinquishing mothers were made to feel shamed and therefore find it hard to trust others through the years.
Perhaps your bio mother felt this way?!
Regardless - you could give it another try. You'll never know unless you try.

If you need any support - a great online adoptee group can be found here -
http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index.php

I wish you all the very best - which ever path you choose.

cruzgirlz3

I'm very connected to my mom, not at all to my dad. I was adopted because my sister had severe attachment issues and she was not the child my mom envisioned. My dad is pretty open that he didn't want to adopt a third child and denies even knowing about my adoption (sort of like John McCain). My mom treated me like I was the greatest thing that ever happened in her life. My dad treated me like an inconvenience. I used to think my feelings had nothing to do with adoption but when I look back, Geez, it makes perfect sense. My parents are divorced too. I adore my mom and have little to do with my dad.

towanda

Well I love my aparents but I don't like them. I love them because they are my parents, they loved and raised me, and taught me to be a good honest person. I don't like them and have nothing in common with them except a shared past. We have different views of the world, religion, and politics.

So basically no, I do not feel connected to them...and sometimes that makes be feel guilty. I wish I could be the daughter that they want and deserve, but I just can't.

Randy B

My relationship with my (adoptive) parents is just fine. As they get up in years and work takes me further from home for a few years at a time I find I miss them more and more. They have had their ups and down but they have stayed together and we've all been a close family. I've never met my birth parents and never cared to look for them either. Never really felt a need to do so.

cnroberts05

I am a 30 yr. old adoptee. I have a great relationship with my parents. I am also a therapist and I can tell you that there are lots of screwed up families out there, and that has nothing to do with adoption or biology. Think of your friends who may or may not have anything in common with their parents. Many things are generational and that's where we encounter huge differences. Don't confuse this with biology. Biologically born children don't necessarily have an innate bond with their parents and vice versa. I can think of plenty of biological parents of the children that I work with that are insanely messed up and don't think of anyone except for themselves. That's just poor parenting.

Biological mothers don't necessarily want to always open their past. Placing a child for adoption is a painful time that they may not have come to terms with. I have two adult friends who sought out biological parents and they were very dissapointed to find that these people weren't the solutions to all of their unanswered questions.

My biological parents sought me out. I had no connection and looked at photos over and over to see if I could catch a glimmer of something. That was over 8 years ago. I feel bad that I can't connect with them for their sake, but I have nothing in common with them.

My parents both placed children for adoption way back in the 1950's. Maybe that is why they raised me with all of their hearts. Either way, I was lucky to end up with them for parents. Everyone says I act just like my dad (especially my husband) and my extended family says that my mom and I sound alike.

My hubby and I just adopted and I really think it comes down to love. Hopefully if you have children, you will know that it is the relentless and unconditional love that helps us deal with and understand everything better.

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