Question for all on adoptions--Curious about husband and/or wife reactions to genetics question?

Sofiakat

I found the same with my husband. I never felt the need to give birth either. A child is a child whether it has a blood connection to me or not. My mom did a lot of fostering during my childhood and I saw a lot of kids not be adopted and by the time they were teens, after being past around the system for years, they were often depleted, depressed, and lost. When I was 12 I knew that I couldn't let that happen. I knew I would adopt from fostercare and always wondered why mom didn't.
My husband on the other hand was okay with adoption from care, but did have reservation on not having a child that shared and past on his genetics. We decided that we might have a bio child after we adopted. However, it became clearly evident, after adopting my son, that my son probably couldn't handle us having a bio child because of his attachment disorder, so we decided against ever having a bio child.
Ironically, it was my husband who came to this desision (even though i was thinking it and just a little nervous to tell him) and told me that he loved our son to much to risk damaging him further by creating an atmosphere of competition especially when his attachments were already so insecure because of RADs.

tish_part deux

in the animal kingdom, it is very common that a lion who takes over a pride will kill the young of another male and impregnate the lioness. why? to carry on his genes.

we're no different... well absent the infanticide.

Serenity71

I don't know about men being more emotionally distant when it comes to genetics and passing on their DNA. why do you think women are expected in most cultures to give up their identities in marriage and when you look at the way most genetic lines are traced. (Especially in centuries past.)

Its the MALE line that gets the most attention and importance. Not the female. (The female line is viewed as the weaker in many cases.)

Why do you think men tend to want want at least one boy. (Fortunately my DH isn't worried about passing on DNA or having an 'heir' to carry on the family name. He's of the rarer kind of man.) But I know men do, my own father wanted a boy for that reason. (He never got one.)

I think more of adoptive fathers in some ways because of that age old expectation and at the level of acceptance they have of their kids. They don't get as much mention, but they should.

sunny

I think this is important to most men.

I have always thought adoption is DRIVEN by women.

My adad adopted because it's what she wanted, and he felt bad that she had so many miscarriages.

My husband would NEVER adopt. He wanted our kids or nothing.

Heather Leigh

I think it is because most women have a strong urge to be a mote hr. For most men it is a matter of passing on his genetics.

When we adopted, it wasn't a factor for my husband. Our adopted son was a part of our family (on and off) for three years before the adoption so we both loved him and didn't really discuss it. We did briefly discussed adopting another child, but decided we would rather Foster children instead of adopt.

My husband does not have any bio children, but being biologically connected never seemed to matter to him. He has his hands full with his two step sons, adopted son two nieces (in our care for now)...throw in the four legged children and you could loose your sanity at our house!!

cmc

I've heard from a lot of women that their husband had a harder time with adoption and would prefer to have "their own" child (what most men say initially). My husband was not like this at all. Sometimes I am glad my baby doesn't have my genes. My family has a history of breast cancer and some other diseases, and I haven't passed any bad genes along (if I got them). However I don't know as much about her family since her natural father is a mystery.

rachelrmf@sbcglobal.net

My husband felt this way as well it was almost as if he morned not passing his genetics a little. I think for him it is more of a history issue with his family. He was adopted and in researching the genealogy of his real father he was amazed at how far back he could go with it all and I think it made him sad that if he adopted a child that he would not be able to just teach that child their family history. My husband can now trace back to his 8th great grandfather (very strong family lines) I'm not sure if i am making any sense...sorry he just wants his children Bio or not to have that pride in knowing where they really come from because it took him so long to learn about it himself.

allchildrenareangels

I think woman have a tendency to be more nurturing and men are taught they have to keep their blood line going. I think someone how that gets ingrained in them.

Love,
Michelle

BLW_KAM

Our situation was similar to yours. I had a very strong call to be a mother and passing on my DNA was irrelevant to me. My husband felt differently. What a shock it was to this wonderful, sensitive man when the finger of infertility pointed at him and not me. He was crushed. We both assumed my plumbing was off, not his.

He did not embrace the idea of adoption at first so I laid low for several years waiting for the seed to grow in his mind. It took a while for him to change from, "If it's not my biological offspring, I'm not interested in being a father." to "I'd love to be a dad."

I will never forget the first time we saw our daughter in the nursery at the agency. He held her on his forearm, stared down at that little body, and started to cry. It was love at first sight.

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