Question for former foster kids?

Looney Tunes

Hm. From my perspective and from being in 12 homes....

1) Smile. Show the child around the place. If there are other kids in your family, let the kids show the "new kids" around.
Show the child his/her new room. Offer to carry the bags, but many times the child will want to carry his/her own things. The child may NOT unpack for ALONG time. That is normal. Have some new "age-appropriate" toys in the child's room. Stuffed animals are always a good choice.

Let the child look in the closet, under the bed, in the drawers ~ anywhere they might be afraid of. Show them that it is safe and "their space."

2) Have cookies or apple slices or something ready. I was ALWAYS hungry but afraid to ask.

3) Invite the child to sit down at the table, have a snack, drink something. Then talk about rules. Don't be harsh, but be clear. For example: "You can eat anytime you want, but you must sit at the table when eating."
ASK THE CHILD if he/she has any questions. They may not at first.

4) Don't bring up any other "parents" unless the child does. Some kids want to "forget" and "some kids will ALWAYS compare you to another parent. If you are constantly being compared, say something like "I understand that your bio-mother cut the sandwich better than me, I am trying the best I can and I hope we can work on making it better together."

5) Foster kids want to be treated JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. Don't ever introduce them "as your foster child" and don't have different rules for them compared to your other children. They are already different, don't make it worse, by treating them different.

**The ONLY time treating a foster child differently than your other kids might be appropriate is regarding punishment. NEVER hit a foster child (or any child) and in most times, taking things away won't matter, since they don't have much to begin with. Also, sending them to their room may backfire, as they might want to be alone and are used to being alone.

6) To help them out of their shell:
a) TIME, PATIENCE, UNDERSTANDING, COMPASSION, EMPATHY
b) Have fun. Do things the child might not have ever done ~ play a board-game, bake cupcakes, goto the zoo.
c) Read to them, even if they can read themselves.
d) If teens, spend the day with them. Go shopping, goto lunch, talk.
e) REMEMBER TO LAUGH

7) NEVER disrespect any other parents, even if they did terrible things to the child. Be honest, but don't judge. Validate the child's feelings and listen. Example: "Rip, I hear that you are really angry at your bio-mom and you have every right to be, she hurt you really bad. It was not your fault; your mother should have kept you safe."
Something like that. No disrespect to the mother, but truth and validation.

8) If the child has anger issues, buy ALOT of pillows and let the child hit the walls, the floor, the bed, etc with pillows. Also buy those blow-up things that you put on the ground that you can hit and they pop back up.
If older, buy a punching bag.
ANGER is natural. Don't get mad because they are mad.

9) Don't be overly forceful, even regarding your rules. For example: You might have a household rule that everyone must close the door when using the bathroom. Your new foster child may not be able to follow that rule at first ~ if he/she was abused in the bathroom ,closing the door might be frightening and overwhelming.
Always try and understand what or why your child is behaving a certain way.

10) Give the child a couple days to figure things out. Some children it will take along time to warm up. Keep talking with them and show you are interested. They are watching you and trying to figure out if they can TRUST you

11) Ask the child what you (new foster parents) can do to make it more comfortable or to help them feel better. This alone shows to them that you care about how they feel.

joyronalds

It is so hard for the children.
Depending on how old the child is, he/she will either hate you or cling to you. If the child is older he / she might talk about how great things were with the other kids in their former foster home, or say that you ruined their life. The only thing you can do is be there, ask them what THEY want to do, and let them make decisions regarding what they want for dinner, color of their room, clothes they wear, etc. However, DO NOT become a push-over parent, or the child will be disrespectful and hateful.

On the brighter side, the child may love you and cling to you, and then the transition should come naturally to you and the child both.

HappyMomAnna

LuneTunes-- Thanks for this list of things to remember...

We saw--the Not Unpacking for years by the way. I didn't catch it for what it was for the longest time. Our little girl collected backpacks and kept her New Gifts in the boxes packed in the backpacks... It was just in the past 6 months that she finally Opened some of the Boxes of little toys she got nearly 6 years ago... :(

I agree with you about NOT sending a child to their room for time outs! All our little girl ever did was go in and come back out the person she was before she came to our home... Meaning, I could see that while she was Isolated she Went back to Missing her Mommy (doesn't matter how bad that bond was, putting my daughter in a lonely place just made her miss her mommy more)

I remember that one of the very first things that helped me Understand her was really early in placement and I had given her some stickers. I had not actually thought about telling her the boundaries of where she could Stick the Stickers and just sort of assumed most children her age would already know.
Well, I was mystified when I went into her room and they were stuck on EVERYTHING and not knowing much better I just started taking them OFF of things that Stickers shouldn't be stuck on... I was a little more "moody" about the whole thing then I know today I should have been....
The next day while driving in the car I heard her singing, "I didn't know the rules about Stickers until my new mommy told me about it...now I know the rules about Stickers --Stickers go on paper not the walls..."

it broke my heart...

Thanks for sharing and after reading your contributions here I feel a little better about my lack of knowing it all at the time we brought her home....

We didn't Leave ONE thing behind at her Foster Home. We all went together and packed up everything we were told belonged to her...Put it in big boxes and we all went to the UPS office together and wrote the New Addresses on the Boxes and SENT them HOME about 4 days before we all drove home together---when we Arrived the Boxes of EVERYTHING were waiting there for us....along with a Note from the UPS Guy saying he had heard some funny sounds inside the box and hopped it was Just a Princesses Toys Talking... That was the Icing on the cake of that method as the UPS Guys note was just tooooo perfect....

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