Questions about international adoption?

aloha.girl59

Amanda,

I agree with both Anastasia and Mei-Ling on this one. Sorry if you came here looking for validation because that isn't going to happen. Many of us here -- adoptees, first mothers, and APs -- are anti-international adoption for just the reasons Anastasia mentioned: the child's loss of culture, language, history, and geography AS WELL AS his or her loss of first parents. If you choose to ignore those things, you are doing your child a HUGE disservice.

Rather that just being pissed because people here don't agree with you, why not look into WHY we don't agree with you? Think there might be some good reasons? There are. Adoption is about children, not about adoptive parents. Keep in mind that *I* am an adoptive parent and I believe this. Don't hide your head in the sand; do some research. Pay attention when others disagree with you and attempt to give some credence to their feelings and beliefs. Don't just write them (us!) off because our opinions differ. Like I said, if you came here for validation, you came to the wrong place. If you TRULY care about the child/ren you plan to adopt internationally, please look very carefully at both sides of the coin -- good AND bad -- and then make your decision.

ETA: I never said Mei-Ling was talking about you. I know she was referring to Anastasia's comment, so what are YOU talking about? Maybe YOU are the one who should read before being rude. Where exactly in my response to you was I rude? I guess if you don't like someone's answer, you just assume they're rude. Nice.

I know you didn't ask for our opinions on IA. That's too bad because you're clearly very uninformed. I understand what you're saying about the children not having good lives, but I don't happen to agree with you. Look at the child Madonna adopted: David Banda. There is nothing wrong with the life that child was leading in Africa, but David's poor father was dealing with the loss of his wife and was overwhelmed. All of a sudden this mega-superstar shows up, flashes wealth, celebrity, and riches, and Mr. Banda was coerced into believing that his child would have a "better" life with Madonna and her family. The poor guy didn't stand a chance. What, exactly, defines a "better life" in your opinion? The chance to live in the U.S.? There are several billion people in this world who do not live in the U.S. and are doing just fine, thanks. Do you think that just because you can offer a child a swimming pool and lots of birthday and Christmas presents, that's a "better" life? If you do, I feel sorry for your soon-to-be child. You said "just because you don't see what I see in international adoption, doesn't mean that it isn't there." Yeah, exactly! Take your own advice, sweetheart. Just because YOU don't see something, doesn't mean it isn't there.

Now before you get your panties in a bunch and further insult me or try to defend your POV once again, go find another site where people will call you a saint and savior. That's clearly what you want...after all, you're "saving" a child, right? (Gag.) You aren't going to get the validation you seek here because most of us don't buy into your unicorns and rainbows view of IA. Go bother someone else now, honey. Run along.

Mei-Ling

Ignore Anastasia. I know what she is trying to get at, but that's not the right way to educate you.

I don't have any advice in terms of the costs. But I do encourage you to read adult adoptee blogs as much as possible before entering the adoption process - it's a lot more complex than the agencies will tell you.

I'm sure you've thought about the expenses, and how you will be bringing the baby "home" - but have you thought about the questions that your would-be child is going to ask you? Have you thought about how you're going to handle the issue of adoption some twenty years on down the road, when your baby has grown up and perhaps wants to seek out his/her culture?

Have you prepared yourself for:

"Why didn't my other mommy want me?"

"Why was I relinquished? If she loved me that much, why didn't she just keep me?"

"Can I go back to my birth country some day? I want to meet my birthparents when I'm older."

http://sisterheping.wordpress.com/
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http://heartmindandseoul.typepad.com/

As a transracial adoptee who has reunited online with her original family within the past 2 years, I can tell you that it's not so simple as a "my adoptive parents supported me the entire time."

It's heartbreaking, trying to navigate through a language barrier. It's heartbreaking to see pictures of a family you've never really known, yet is yours by blood and genetics. It's heartbreaking hearing the sound of your mother's voice, pleading for you to come back.

Are you willing to accept that your would-be adopted child may end up facing those possibilities in the future?

Anastasia: Since you decided to send me a PM and then conveniently block me, I will "spotlight" you out. My purpose isn't to offend "out of The Fog" adoptees. You are being very blunt to the point of rudeness to other users here - I think that perhaps you forget there ARE real people sitting behind those monitor screens?

I'm not deliberately trying to make life "difficult" for you, nor am I going "against" your side - I'm simply saying to cut back on the rudeness because being that way will not encourage anyone to WANT to listen to you. Common sense, right?

These new PAPs who come on can NOT read your mind, nor do they understand why you're being so blunt. Please try to take that into considersation and that they are human beings too.

Amanda (OP): I notice you haven't answered my questions yet. Have you considered them yet and the possibilities that may affect your would-be child later on?

ETA: "And while I'm sure those questions are hard to answer, and hard to hear for the adoptee"

You're sure? Have you considered how you're going to answer them? What are you going to say - that their mother loved them so much she gave them up for a better life?

Yeah. I was told that. Many other transracial adoptees were told that. Even as adults now, we STILL don't understand that. Logically, yes. Emotionally? NO. It doesn't make "real" sense to a child. Ever.

What constitutes as a "better life"? Just because there are thousands of female infants waiting in China's orphanages does not mean they will never feel the loss of their culture, heritage and language. It means they will have "a" chance at a life, probably similar to what they would have had if their parents had support. That doesn't mean it's "better" - because doesn't EVERY child deserve a home and loving parents? And adopting a child isn't necessarily *always* going to "erase" the loss. It will still be there. It may be balanced by the gains, but it will never really "go away."

ETA 2 to Anastasia: You're going to report me for "spotlighting" you out when YOU don't even have your PM option on? You don't play fair at all, do you? If you actually HAD your PM on, I wouldn't have had to "spotlight" you out.

You're being ridiculous.

Jennifer L

Research, research, research!

Check out Informed Adoption Advocates

www.informedadoptions.com

There is a wealth of information there.

Gaia Raain

"I think taking a child away from their culture is better then taking away their chance of a good life"

And what if the child disagrees?
Many international adoptees HAVE families. Adopting them doesn't help the situation that creates homeless/family-less children. All it does is provide children for those who want them. The children are a commodity for people who want to call themselves parents. Children are not charity cases, nor are they pawns in your "I'm A Martyr" game.

To answer your question, I think the number one question on my mind would be how can I adopt internationally - ETHICALLY? I would want the following items to be considered in the appraisal:

What steps have been taken to preserve the natural family?
If the natural family is dead, what steps have been taken to keep the child in his/her own country with a loving family?
If that is not possible, what steps have been taken to set up social services in the child's home country to ensure that future children will find loving, safe homes?
What are the conditions in the child's orphanage?
What steps have been taken to improve the orphanage, so that the children who grow up there will have a safe, loving place to grow up?
If there is absolutely NO possible way this child will be able to have a safe, loving home without being adopted, have any PAP's been identified who would be willing to move to the child's country? If not, why not? If the adoption is about THE CHILD, then the AP's ought to be the ones to sacrifice, not the child.
If the country itself is not safe, and the child can only be safe outside their home country, what steps have been taken to ensure the safety of the child's family and loved ones? How does it help the child to take them away from everything they know and love, AND leave everyONE they know and love behind in an unsafe place?
If the child must be removed from their home country, and all possible steps have been taken to ensure the safety of their loved ones, what will the AP's be doing to help make the child's home country safe for future generations? Will the AP's be sponsoring families left behind? Donating to funds to rebuild war-torn areas?
If the child wants to visit, how often will visits be facilitated?
In what ways will the AP's be ensuring the child's connection with his/her former life (culture, language, food, etc.)?
Are the AP's aware that no child should have to be grateful for being "saved"?
Are the AP's aware of the emotional difficulties involved in being an adoptee? And international/interracial/intercultural adoptee?
Have the AP's read anything written by adoptees?
Are the AP's open to hearing about the dark side of adoption? Are AP's able to hear the raw emotion of adoptees and not shut them out? (Anastasia is a good example.)

There should be a lot more topics covered as well, but that's what I can think of off the top of my head.

Mother of Many

I realize your good intentions, understanding that you want to adopt a child. Can you please look into adopting from foster care? Its definitely an option for you. It sounds like you have a great big heart to love many children with, and all of them need so much love. It definitely costs less than adopting internationally, and you helping out a child in need of a safe, loving, secure and happy home that he/she needs desperately. Either way that you go, please take a moment to think deeply about becoming a foster parent and adopting that way. Good Luck, and God Bless our children in need.

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