Questions about siblings separated by adoption?

M L

In my situation, I was sent to foster care at age six, legally adopted at 10, but had 9 older brothers and sisters. The seperation from them was extremely traumatic. My adoptive parents (who were also distant relatives) absolutely refused to let me see them claiming it would disrupt "my life." What disrupted my life was being seperated from them and then being told that I had to act like they never existed.

After I turned 18, I returned to Ohio to see them (I was the only one adopted). They spent time in various foster homes and relatives' homes, but somehow they all managed to stay connected. I was the only one disconnected from them. I was also the youngest of them all. It was extremely traumatic for them as well. Whenever one of them would try to call or reconnect with me, my adopted parents would hang up the phone. I can't tell you how many birthday and christmas cards were sent to me over the years that were "returned to sender." They saved them for me hoping I would reconnect one day.

Needless to say, my decision to reconnect ostracized me from my adoptive family -- including adopted brothers and sisters who I never was close to when growing up. I was labeled "ungrateful." (That's a word we adoptees hear a lot.)

Do I regret my decision -- ABSOLUTELY NOT. I still to this day (I am 40 now) do not understand why my adoptive family felt so treatened by them. Any adoptive parents out there that can help me understand that? And why the bitterness they have. I did not reconnect with my natural parents -- just my brothers and sisters. I guess there are a lot of things adoptees will never understand. But -- instead of being bitter -- we have to JUST MOVE ON. It's hard. It really is. But you just have to....

wholelottacats

Honestly, until I started the process of adopting myself, I never thought I had the right to know my brother. But - the more I read, the more I hear from adult adoptees, the more I contemplate what I want for my child - the more I've come to realize that I DO have the right to find him. It doesn't have anything to do with his APs or my mom - it's about the fact that he is my brother. And I'm going to find him, offer him the fact that he actually has a sister, and let him decide what he wants to do with that information.

Suddenly, this throws everything about being a PAP into a completely different light. I'm the one going up against all of the secrecy and brick walls. I'm the one who has this biological connection to someone out there that I've never met, and while I've known about him for 23 years, I can no longer deny that I feel that connection. I decided to look because I'm the one who has the information - he doesn't, and from talking to so many adult adoptees (and the urgings of some wonderful adoptees here) - I know he may want to search, but has the fear. Or maybe he doesn't want to at all - it's his decision. I don't know - but, I'm going to find out.

I find it interesting that suddenly it has occurred to me that we are the only two people on this planet who shared my mother's womb. We were created in the same "place." The brothers I grew up with - we have the same father, different mothers. As much as I love them, as much I see them, not as half brothers, but as simply my brothers - I also realize that this is other man walking around out there is just as much biologically my brother as they are. I am stunned at how important and poignant this has become for me.

What it has done for me as a PAP is give me a great sense of urgency, I guess a greater sense of my responsibility, to maintain whatever familial ties will exist for my child, until they can decide what "family" means for them.

So, yes - having found I have a sibling, I do want to know them. I don't know how to remedy it, other than striving to maintain those relationships for my child.
ETA: I think it has also given me a better perspective on what I've heard from adoptees, about how they didn't have the choice in any of this, and I'm seeing how frustrating that can be.

Jennifer L

1. In cases where safety would not be an issue, yes. There are some delicate situations coming out of foster care and there are instances where reuniting siblings would be a bad thing.

2. Yes, I would want to know them. I think that if me and my lost sibling were consenting adults, the government has no say in whether we make contact or not.

3. Not sure, other than opening adoption records which would presumably have family information as well.

Siblings can also be separated by international adoption. We adopted a sibling group because we did not want to separate siblings and our agency would also not separate sibling groups. If it were to come about that my children would have a biological sibling/cousin/other relative available for adoption, we would either adopt that child to keep the family together or be sure that we had regular contact with that child's adoptive family. Many international adoptive parents feel the same way, but once in awhile I hear about one adoptive family that refuses contact from the adoptive family of a sibling or other close relative and it breaks my heart.

IDK!!

I do think siblings shold have the right to know eachother. I lost a sister to adoption when I was 7 or so. She was almost 3 when I last saw her, until we met a year ago.

I don't know what can be done, I know how confusing it was knowing that she just went away and wasn't me sister anymore. WHen I moved back to the state where she lives I swore that I saw her dozens of times.

Now I think she wants nothing to do with us, but at least she has that choice.

Adam D

I didn't know I had brothers and sisters until I found my parents. They never knew about me and they said they wish they would have known....With that said I feel we all have a right to know who we are and most importantly the health issues. I do believe that there are some that should remain closed, but in most cases even the sibs should know they have a brother or sister. When I met mine my younger brother and I hit it off like we were never apart and my little sister was very hurt and offended, who's this guy? why didn't mom tell me after all these years? she would have nothing to do with me for about 4 years but now we are building our relationship. Now my older sister is just like me....She and I are tight and we'll never be separated again. PEOPLE THERE IS GOOD REASONS TO FIND YOUR LOST LOVED ONES, I DID AND I NEVER LOOKED BACK OR REGRETTED IT!

â™¥bigmammaâ™¥

1. Yes, siblings should have the right to a relationship if they want.
2. I did find out about 3 years ago that I have 3 siblings lost to adoption, but I was adopted into the family, so I still knew them & I do NOT wish to have a sister/brother relationship w/ them. I like to keep the adopted sisters I have known to be my sisters all my life! I'm 40 btw....
3. I don't know about that, sorry.

Interesting question!! I have many reasons for not wanting the sis/brother relationship w/ my birth sis/bro's, but the main one is that they are really weird & it just doesn't seem right after all these years!! I thank God that I was adopted by my grandma. It's really the best thing that could have happened to me.

somebodyznobody

My brother did not even know, I existed...though I knew of him. Now we are struggling to get to know each other...it takes time, time stolen from us.

Whenever there is a question of safety, then of course protecting the innocent and guilty (perhaps) is important. ie a sibling who was abusive, may find it easier to get help, without the other siblings around.

Benefits of reconnecting...we will soon, only have each other,....our parents are dead or dieing. To have someone you feel connected too, is reassuring.

No idea, what could be done legally...apart from the 'open adoption' being force able, if agreed on by both parties in the beginning and their is NO harm to the child. - then some sibling will still be in contact, unless adopted elsewhere.

Maybe if adoptive child had RIGHTS, then legally, they could meet with and see their siblings. They need a BILL of RIGHTS.

Crucio

Sure if they want too. I know in the FCS they try and keep siblings together but if they have to be separated they hope that the families are willing to stay in touch with each other, and I donâ€™t think there is anything wrong with that. Your starting to see more and more donor kids whose families are starting to keep in touch with their childrenâ€™s bio-siblings they have a donor sibling registry. In a situation where someone has been placed in a closed adoption and the other kids stay with the birthfamily.

I could see it being more difficult but they should still be able to connect once their legal age if they want to. Also from children that are adopted into other homes but maybe were not in FCS families should make an effort to stay connected. The bio-siblings are no threat to any family, it could just enrich someones family by giving them some extended family/close friends.

Sometimes I wonder if my cousin will be upset one day when he more realizes (heâ€™s only 5) that his parents had the chance to try and adopt his full sibling, the mother irresponsible got pregnant again 9months after he was born. She offered this baby (a girl) to my Aunt and her husband. They seriously thought about it but decided they didnâ€™t want to take the risk, plus my aunt was nearly 49 (her dh a year or two younger) when they adopted so I donâ€™t think she felt she could handle 2 kids so close together, her husband has a job where sometimes he can be gone for weeks on end. Now I wonder if they should have taken that risk even if she had changed her mind they could have told him â€œwe tried to get your sister in the familyâ€ or if they should have decline the offer but asked to be kept inform on who adopted the baby and asked that family if they could stay in contact for the kids. If the other family declined again at least he would have known they made an effort.

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