Questions for adoptees regarding their own pregnancies & childbirth?

SJM

My amom was dead, so I'll tell you about my adad.

He didn't handle it well at all. He didn't want me to become a mother. He wanted me to give my children up for adoption. In the case of the first two, he actually called the adoption agency and set up an appointment. I was married, by the way. The last one being 20 years later, he just grumbled about how I didn't need a baby at "my age".

He was not at the hospital when any of my children were born, but he did visit while I was still in the hospital.

Giving birth was a major adoption issue. It was the first time (to my knowledge) that I saw a blood relative. (I wasn't raised far from my bio family. I did know some of my relatives. I just didn't know they were my relatives.) I found my parents shortly after becoming a parent myself.

How did adoption impact my mothering skills? I didn't want to let my children out of my sight.

He is a grandfather to them in every sense of the word. We live close to him. We see him often, and I talk to him almost every day. But each of my pregnancies were very, very difficult for him. I'm not sure why. He never responded to me being pregnant in a positive manner at all.

DevonChaos

I have given birth 4 times, so I'll kind of lump them together.

My a-mother wanted me to give up/abort every pregnancy I had.

She was in the room for my 2 natural births and in the waiting room for my 2 c-sections. I allowed her to watch the natural births because I thought she might like to experience it and be there to see her first grandchildren born. Even though she didn't want me to have kids, she immediately seemed to love the kids, and at one point I had to get a nurse to give me back the baby, because she wouldn't let her go. I think she must've had a hard time with me giving birth since she never did herself, and maybe (she has some mental problems) she felt like she was going through it herself.

It made some of my adoption issues better, some worse. I remember with each of my kids, holding them when they were first brought to my room and imagining my first mother doing the same with me. I couldn't have let any of them go. I can't imagine her giving up a baby that was such a part of her. It did make me feel a bit better about finally having an actual blood relative though. I felt a connection to each of my children in a way that was deeper than anything I've felt before.

I don't know if my adoption impacted my mothering skills so much, but I do know that my experiences with my a-mother did. I didn't want to parent like she did. I wanted to be different, break the cycle, so to speak. I do look at my children every day and think of my first mother. She has some awesome grandchildren that she may not even know exsist.

I am 30 now, with my 5 kids ranging in age from nearly 3 to almost 10. I learn something about myself every day. I learn more and more about how I feel about things through my experiences. I'm finding out exactly what I'm "made of" and try to figure out how to be a better person and parent. My adoption effects me in so many ways, it has become unclear sometimes what I do because I'm a parent and what I do as a parent who just happens to be adopted.

C Wood

to be honest, your question is only for female adoptees.

I can't get pregnant... has to do with being a male adoptee.

If anyone gives you flack for posting an adoptee only question, they are being stupid.
cw

Cambria

So, I know this question isn't really directed at me because I am not a parent, but the reason I chose not to be a parent were very adoption related, so I thought I'd give my two cents anyways :-)

1-I was told by my parents when I was a teenager that if I ever got pregnant I would be expected to either allow them to adopt the child, put the child up for someone else to adopt or I would no longer be welcome in their house. Later in life, my mom also repeatedly told me what a bad idea it would be for me to get pregnant at various points. I think she'd even be upset if I got pregnant now (I am married). I'm not too sure what that is about.

2- If I had a child, I would definitely want my mom there and I am 99% sure she would be.

3-The reason we aren't having kids is that when we started talking about it, a lot of my issues really started to come up more and more. Eventually I realized that having children is just not a good choice for me and that a lot of that very much has to do with my adoption issues. Luckily, my husband supports this decision as well. I have told him that if he ever decides that it is really important to him to have children, I would be willing to re-open that discussion again.

4-What came up the most for me when I was considering children was just a really intense fear that I wouldn't be a good mom. There was definitely an irrational aspect of feeling like maybe I just wasn't genetically programmed to be a parent because my bioparents didn't want to be parents. I completely understand that this was irrational and makes absolutely no sense (especially considering that my bioparents -are- currently parents) but it is an example of how adoption were being brought up in my life. I also realized that I would be very likely to fall into a Reparenting cycle as opposed to being the mother my children would need me to be. (Reparenting=not seeing the child as separate from the self and instead of responding to the child's needs, responding to personal needs that weren't met in your own childhood) I could also see myself having bonding difficulties.

So, in the end, I decided parenting is not for me! I love children and I want to work with children and I love being around my nephew and my godson and my friends' kids, but having my own child is just not the right fit for me.

Anha S

My amother insisted I give up my first baby. And when I refused, she disowned me, and wasn't in my life for another 3 years. I re-established contact with her when I was pregnant with my 2nd daughter. She wasnt in the delivery room with me for either child. She was kind of ok with my 2nd pregnancy, my adad was the one who was completely wigged. (he didnt have to see me pregnant with my 1st, and did see me pregnant with my 2nd and it freaked him the heck out) Even if I had been talking to my amom for both pregnancies she wouldnt have wanted to be in the delivery room. As it was they were freaked out holding my youngest when she was a few days old, and my amom openly admitted that infants below the age of 6 months scared her because she had no experience with them at all.

Giving birth made some things easier and some things worse, like the drive and desire to meet my first family. It hit me hard that my baby was the first bio relative that I laid eyes on.

I was an extremely paranoid new mom with my firstborn. I didnt want to be away from her, and was terrified of losing her, but I really had to work at forming a bond with her. I had to fight with myself to not be standoffish.

cruzgirlz3

Giving birth had a profound effect on me. It was the first time I really considered what it might have been like for "her." Prior to that I always looked at it from the viewpoint of me, the adoptee, and my adopted parents. I pretty much saw it all as win-win and a happy thing. Having children made me aware of the sadness and pain that goes along with adoption. I couldn't imagine what that must have been like for her. It gave me so much more empathy.

fireflykissess

My adoptive mom was a little jealous , because she could never have children no matter what she tried. so she made rude comments during the first and second trimester.

I love my mom but no she wont be in the room with me when i give birth, we are close but not super close plus its something that me and my boyfriend would like to experience together alone.

I have never had any adoption issues i don't remember when i was told that i was adopted i just grew up knowing.

I haven't given birth to my son yet , but the love i feel for him without him even being here yet makes me realize how lucky i am to be a mother in a great situation.

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