Real mothers? If an adoptive mother is the REAL mother, the one who CARES for the child?

Opedial

I guess my husband is the mother then, as he stays home full time, but he prefers dad.

I think this brings up thoughts to me of it takes a village to raise a child, and do we "own" our children. Who gets to be the "real" mom??? I really really think only the child can define who is a "real" mother to the child, and it may change over time.

A child while growing up may feel of course his adopted family is his "real" family (although hopefully the adopted family is doing all they can to ensure the child knows about their other family too!), but as they get older and understand more about their life may consider of course the genetics of who mother is and then his First mom becomes "real to him".

But realistically there are these kinds of mothers, all very real:

Mothers who carried and delivered the child, who had the child in their womb, and who are genetically link to the child.

Mothers who raise the child, and are legally the mother.

Step mothers who marry into the mother role

Foster mothers who take care of children while their parents get help

But also, one more thing to add, that a mother is a mother is a mother, but being cared for each day and all the things you list is the act of parenting. To me parenting is a verb, and mother is a noun.

monkeykitty83

I stick to my assertion that biological and adoptive mothers are equally "real."

Laurel J

This "conventional wisdom," this stupid tug-of-war, this idea that although I have two sets of parents only one of them can be "real," made me feel throughout my childhood that I was the unreal one. I was not my a'parents' "real" child and my 'real" parents were nowhere to be seen and hadn't "wanted" me anyway, so what was I? A simulacrum, a stand-in child, a ghost, a nothing, a defective, discarded puppet.

Please, please, can we accept that all four parents are real and stop using this stupid, hurtful phrase? Please?

â™£Lash Catâ™¥

You make a really good point that I never thought of before! I really dont know how to answer this but I am looking forward to the answers you get! I know that my niece spends more time with my parents then she does my sister but my sister is still in high school and my mom doesnt work at a job cuz shes a stay at home mom. I still consider my sister to be the mom of her daughter but my sister knows its our mom who is basically raising the baby and my sister and me all at the same time. So this is a very intresting point.

Ms Penny Lane

I think you make a very interesting point.

Robin

Well, depends on who you listen to, doesn't it? And really, it's a whole 'nother argument! Working moms vs. stay-at-home moms. Who are "real" moms?

I can tell you this as a mom who HAD to work (divorced a husband after finding out about his girlfriend) to support my children. At the end of the day when I picked up my kids from daycare, THEY knew who their mom was. And it wasn't their day care provider. I'm the one they came running to, hollering with joy, happy to see me.

So while someone else may have cared for them during the day, I woke them up, got them dressed, made their lunches, picked them up from day care, made their dinners, gave them their baths, cuddled with them on the couch, watched TV with them, tucked them in bed, took them to the movies or the park or the zoo on the weekends, threw them birthday parties, took them shopping for school clothes at the beginning of the school year, spent the holidays with them, etc., etc., etc. Guess maybe those are just some of the reasons they recognized me me as their mom.

Kids may have other caretakers, some of those may even rise to the level of substitute mom, but most kids have one "mother" when growing up. Even when they have a great step mom - an "extra" mom, if you will. Bottom line is, kids know who their mom is. And that's really what counts, isn't it?

ETA: I also recognize my 1st mom, who raised me for the first 18 months of my life b/4 DSS stole me from her. She never stopped loving me. The woman who raised me reluctantly agreed to my adoption never really accepted me as her daughter. Ultimately, no matter how hard I wanted, she never was my mom - but a stand in by her choice & her actions. That's not true of all adopted moms. Just mine.

I Love A Child With Autism!!!

Well the moon and stars have certainly aligned, I actually agree with you a little bit. I personally don't see why people adopt when they have intentions of putting the child right into daycare. I think bonding is key and if you are not around to be the one they bond with, then that can turn out to be quite a problem in the long run.

aloha.girl59

My son has two REAL mothers: his first mother and me. We are both real. We are both people. She nurtured him in utero, gave birth to him, and loves him. I take care of him, help him learn, and love him.

I don't believe that my son's teacher is his 'mother' though she spends 7 hours a day with him. She is his teacher. Yes, she nurtures, but not in the way my son's first mother did and I do. She *is* a caretaker though.

gypsywinter

""Are you suggesting that all "mothers" must stay home full time? Parents are the people who raise you and who love and take care of you.""

If a mom is working full-time she is NOT raising and taking care of her children full-time, other people are. So we then can assume that people taking care of our children for better than 8 hours a day, could be called 'parents', based on your statement above. Babysitters, daycare workers, nannies, etc., are 'raising' and 'taking care of'...not real sure about the 'love' part.

Cam

In that case we all have been raised with LOTS of mothers.

Many adoptive and non-adoptive families need daycare to make ends meet.

JoHn S.

Well, I've heard it takes a village....

Julia

So what is your answer for children that have not been adopted? Do you think your theories hold for them?

I think you are only trying to pick fights.

Rowan

Last time i checked, my bio mom AND my adoptive mom were both real. Sadly, i lost my a mom 4 years ago, and it hurt like hell. It still does to this day.

What makes a real mom? i'm sorry but my a mom was more involved in my upbringing then my bio mom, so i do consider her "mom". That doesn't mean that i don't care for my bio mom, i just cant think of her as anything close to a mother.

I've always hated the term "real mom" anyway, because it does not in any way adequately describe my a mom and what she was to me.

Jane S

Obviously adoptees don't have families. So how could they have a REAL mother.

cla ro

there are no part time parents.

my daughter spends most of her days with my mother - who takes care of her while i work. but i am still ehr mother, and she knows this.

mom to be

Your mother is the person who raised and cared for you. The person who tucked you in at night and woke you in the morning. Are you suggesting that all "mothers" must stay home full time? Parents are the people who raise you and who love and take care of you.

Santa's Lil' Helper

When my real mommy and daddy were high, drunk and mia I turned to the comfort of my surrogate parents Mr. and Mrs. Buttons....my favorite sock puppets. When mommy found out she was very angry and Mrs. Buttons had an accident involving a washing machine and some bleach. Mr. Buttons went out with daddy to get angel dust and never came back. I sure miss them.

corcoranfaire

I see parents as the ones who are a constant in their lives, provides guidance, and has the full responsiblity to provide the emotional and financial support a child needs to grow and develop.

I think your description could just as easily apply to bio moms the same as adoptive moms. In this day and age, lots of them have to work and have "others" take care of the children.

gibberish

The real mother is not the one who only cares it is the one who takes on the responsibility for life. LIFE my dear! Having a child spring from your loins is not mothering.

AdoreHim

A mother is one that loves and raises you, and also we loves a child enough to place her baby in the arms of another, so both birth moms and adoptive parents are mothers.

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