Realistic Adoption Expectations?

I'd love feedback from people who have adopted, been adopted, or worked in the field.

My husband and I are 26 and 27 and have been married 6 years. We both work full time, I'm a kindergarten teacher and he works at a correctional facility. We have put off having children because we were married young, we weren't ready, and we weren't settled.

We have lived in our own home now for almost 2 years, and live very close to both his family and mine. We have a strong relationship, although my husband was abused my his stepfather when he was young and still struggles with those feelings of not being wanted.

We have talked about adoption for a long time, and knew we would always want to adopt a child. Our reasoning is that there are so many children out there with no families, we could make a difference. We aren't expecting to "save" a child, but to provide it with a stable, loving home.

We are looking into fost adopt, but we do have specific ideas in our adoption. Because I would need to continue to work, and love what I do, we would need to adopt a child who is at least 2 years old. However, I really want a young child, so I think 4 would be our age limit, which I know really limits our choices. We could not financially or time wise be able to care for a severely challenged child, either physically or emotionally - and because we live in a small town with limited medical resources. So we could adopt a child with learning disabilities, speech or hearing impairments and I would feel comfortable since I work with children dealing with this daily in my class.

I don't know if these are realistic expectations of a fost adopt - or if most children needing to be adopted this way do have severe needs and do require a lot of care and attention. Are we way off track? Will a couple as young as us even have a chance at being placed with a child?

I hope this makes sense - I just don't want to get into this process with a completely skewed idea and be unable to find a child that we can adequately provide for.

sizesmith

With foster care adoption, it is totally fine to go with expectations. Many parents do, some want teens, others want newborns, and others want preteens, and others want just toddlers like yourself.

The main thing is, remember when you get a child who may be 3 by chronilogical calendars, yet still act like a 1 year old in eating, and in potty training, because the abuse and major trauma from that time are still heavy in their heads. By taking individual steps, in the areas that really need them, and "raising" those children to the appropriate levels in the areas they need them, and by having individualized levels of expectations in different areas, then, you can help the child to their best potential.

There may be a waiting period in your area for kids of these ages. A friend of mine is strictly fostering, and preferred 11-17 year olds, since she has 3 girls those ages, and she got placed with a 3 year old, beautiful little girl. You never know who or what will come up. I truly believe that God has a plan for a child for many of us. Sometimes, the journey to get there is very hard, especially on some of these beautiful little souls who want someone to love, honor, and cherish them. Good luck!

Freckle Face

I commend you for looking into foster care.

Might i suggest a sibling group of only two children.

A two yr old and a four year old, or a 3yr old and 5 yr old. I see kids in those age ranges pretty regularly in foster care. You would be keeping sibling together, just a thought.

good luck

Philippa

My dh and I have started the process of adopting at least one child out of foster care and have said we will consider siblings as we believe siblings should stay together. Adopting a baby is something we talked about but as there are so many children in foster care that deserve a loving home we want to do that.

cmc

There are fewer young children in the foster care system and more homes wanting to adopt, so you may have to wait a bit, but I think your criteria is fairly realistic. Since you should get family leave when you adopt you can also consider a child under two. I don't think there is any requirement that you not work. You would just have to find a good child care situation - but this would be the case for a 3 or 4 year old too. Children in foster care will have a range of needs, and eventually you will find a situation where you can provide a good home for a child who needs one. Also being open to siblings would be a good idea if you can handle it, since it is best for them to stay together.

Gabbie

If you are looking into foster adoption, it might be hard to find a child that's under the age of 4. Yes there are toddlers in foster care, but most are older children.

Maybe you should check out this website:
http://www.adopthelp.com/
This website has woman currently pregnant wanting to give up their babies.

And:
http://www.adoption.com/
Children of all ages waiting to be adopted

I used to be a social worker and I know a bit about adoption because I have dealt with foster care adoptions. And a foster care adoption might not be so easy. While the parent cannot care for the child, they do have a say if he or she is adopted. If the bio parent of a foster child does not want to sign away their rights, there is nothing anyone can do. I'm not saying you SHOULDN'T do foster care adoption, that would be so wonderful, but it will be hard.

On to your last expectation. One without special needs. Might be hard, might not be. It all depends on the children available in your area. It is not abnormal for a couple to feel this way. If you cannot afford a child that is physically or emotionally disabled, then you cannot. That is not your fault. But I'm glad you know what you can and cannot care for.

I commend you for wanting to foster care adoption. That is a very good choice.

Please do research on Foster Care before you go through with this and perhaps call a local social worker or even a foster parent to discuss this further.

Good luck and God bless!

K S

Hypothetically, what if you adopt a perfect child who in a year is involved in a car accident and has a traumatic brain injury? Would you give it back? (I know that sounds horrible, but I have seen it happen several times).
The child is important here, not you.
I do not think you are being realistic. Children are all different. Love is what matters, nothing else.
That is what all good parents know.

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