Relinquishment - I don't get it.?

julie j

Hi Mei-Ling,

I seriously don't get it either. The mother has first-hand experience of what the other mother will go through! If you had said she was going to adopt through foster care that would be another story. This is willingly participating in the separation of a mother & an infant who is in no danger of being abused. APs who have never lost a child to adoption can at least claim they had no idea what the mother goes through when she loses a child. I cannot imagine knowingly subjecting another woman to that same painful experience. The only possible explanation I can think of is the fog must be extremely thick there.

If you look at it through the first adoptee's perspective, you might feel as though you were traded for the new child. If you look at it through the second adoptee's perspective, you might feel as though you have a job to do - replace the lost child.

Then again, I don't understand the adoptees who would participate in closed adoptions for other children either.

julie j
reunited adoptee

maybe

My mother forced me to surrender my baby when I was a teenager and I have never had another child. I would NOT adopt in the traditional sense, as it is practiced today.

By that I mean I would never automatically assume the mother did not/could not care for the child, and I would never change the child's identity so I could be pretend to be the child's "real" mother.

If a child truly needed a home, such as in the case of fostering, I would make sure the child retained his or her identity and would do my best to help the child maintain a relationship with the mother, father, and the extended family.

I know too well the lifetime of suffering caused by losing a child and I will not inflict that unbearable pain on another woman. Unfortunately, infant adoption is all about the needs of the APs, the mother is lucky to even be an afterthought.

Independ"ant"

I'll assume this women was 15 when she gave birth and was forced/coerced into placing her child by members of her church and parents as well as not receiving much support from her gov't and the baby's father.

There are children in foster care that do need to be taken care of. Nobody will ever deny that. Considering she went through the experience herself, I think it would make her more considerate of another woman facing the same dilemma. At least its a given she wouldn't try to hold the child "hostage" from the mother.

Zuko

I just wanted to say HI Mei-Ling! -=waves=-

We've already had this conversation, I believe. And you have a point.

But maybe because she had to go through the loss of relinquishing her child she's actually better prepared to raise an adoptive child and respect the f-mom... She knows what it's like so she wont be so quick to keep the fmom and child away from eachother.

Ted

My sister relinquished her son when she was a teen. She is considering adopting in the future. I fully support her.

The difference is she is mature enough to know that, while painful even to this day, that she did the right thing. She has said there is no way she could've properly raised her son. She was a mess. She was not ready. She is thankful that her son had a family to adopt him and give him everything he needs. She hopes one day to be reunited and introduce her son to his new baby sister that she gave birth last year.

What person could you think of that is more qualified to adopt a child to understand and share their common grief?

Crucio

This is simple itâ€™s no different then someone who has placed for adoption in the past but later in their life is ready to be a parent so has another baby and keeps it. If she cant conceive and she has no problem with adopting why not? Heck you could have someone who placed for adoption, went on to have another natural child, and then later on decided to adopt as well.

Also no parent has to place their child for adoption that is an option that they choose. Sure some might be pressured by one does not have to fall to that pressure. No one is taking anyoneâ€™s child the natural parents again choose to place for adoption for whatever reason. It may not always be about money they may truly not feel ready to be a parent at that time in their life.

There are always going to be kids and babies that need to be adopted itâ€™s just a fact of life. Sure there are some mothers who could parent with a bit of assistance ok, but that is not going to be the case for every parent out there. If its someone who is not emotional ready to be a parent no one can help them there, a person is either ready or they arenâ€™t. Some may just not want to be a parent at that time in their life, that simple. Like in my area in May a newborn was found in the trash, Thank God he was found and after trying to find his mother and other relatives it looks like soon he will be adopted into a family that will cherish him far more then his own bio mother who threw him in the trash as if he was some sort of broken toy.

AdoreHim

You know that there are actually some birth moms that feel that "relinquishing" their child was the best for that child. If you know someone that has placed a child for adoption at one time, be there to support her, because it most likely was hard, even if it was the best for her child. If that same person cannot have a child later in life and adopts, what is wrong with that? When she got pregnant she was not able to care for her child, so would it have been better for the child to keep him/her or abort, and then later adopt. Makes no sense, this question. About "Are people so focused on their own wants"- that woman was looking out for her first child. It was not because "she did not want the baby"- if she did not want her first baby, she could have aborted- like 4,000 woman do a day. Don't call this woman selfish. Be grateful that she is willing to adopt and be the a mom that totally relates to how hard it was to place a child for adoption.

Mom to Foster Children

It is my understanding that Health and Human Services don't take people's children for their own needs. While there are agencies out there who are "in it for the money" or whatever. I can guarantee you that my child was not just taken from his mother for no reason. In fact he was taken for very good reasons, she got a little better, got him back and then he was taken from her YET again and it still took the state 1 1/2 years to terminate her parental rights.

As far as a your question...I have friends who got prenant at a very young age and relinquished their rights to their children making family members available to adopt and raise their children. After finishing school, college, marriage they now have other children and one has adopted as her husband couldn't have children! I can see where the "first" child would be like "um, why keep them and not me"....it would be hard to explain it to them especially if they are not mature enough to understand before they make judgemental calls where they don't have all the information.

Kazi

Relinquishing a child does not = a bad person.

They made a decision that they felt was the right one at the time... and for that they do not deserve to be a mom again? Wow, that's harsh.

Yes, they would know the pain involved, but maybe that will make her sensitive to her child's first parents and will honour an open adoption arrangement.

She relinquished her first child of her own accord and now another woman is relinquishing of her own accord. Whether she adopts or not, that mother is relinquishing.

A Good A.Mom

I hope she is at a stage now to financially/emotionally able to care for an adopted child.

She wants a baby. Someone else has one they can't care for. It's not like she is forcing the other woman give up her child. She has nothing to do with the other woman's decision.

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