Riddle me this? Why is this case so different in adoption?

MamaKate

This is something I've wondered about OFTEN! Why does everyone look at a child as a possession? When will people realize that KIDS ARE PEOPLE? There is a push to encourage co/shared parenting in divorce - why not in adoption? I see no reason why suitable families can't be made into one big one. Doesn't it take a village anyway? There are SO many advantages to co/shared parenting that it seems like it should be encouraged in the adoption world. Of course I realize that there are also lots of people who want "their OWN" child, but I feel that it is possessive and selfish to deny a child - especially a child of divorce or adoption all the love he or she can get. And, yes, I know there are some bad parents too who SHOULDN'T be around children, but for the most part, children deserve as much love and support as possible from ALL their family - it is simply healthier and more TRUTHFUL to allow families to be as whole as possible. I think that adults should start setting aside their personal hang-ups, the societal stereotypes and self-inflicted ignorance and start taking that phrase everyone loves to toss around so flippantly for their own purposes to heart. "IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD".

We first parents and families are told we are "sharing" our child - ESPECIALLY in so-called "open" adoption - and yet despite this being a common word used to "validate" the choice/adoption and in many cases helps convince the mother or first parents into placing - these very ("generous") people are given NO chance to "share" in the life of the child or even be RECOGNIZED as a part of the child's family. The love, support and wisdom they have to bestow upon a child is tossed aside like trash along with the child's history, DNA and original paperwork. Even in the cases of truly open relationships, there is STILL denial that the child has two sets of parents on paper. Why, if the people in those relationships can recognize this and can act upon it, doesn't legislature recognize these types of situations as ideal and engourage and protect them LEGALLY?

In the past and in many other countries even today, traditional (NOT nuclear) families were large, sometimes several generations and family branches sharing a house or neighboring property. Children were raised by all and people helped and supported their FAMILIES. There was/is generally a greater sense of familial bonds and duty as well as a larger community involvement among extended families. The elders are there to give advice and assistance for younger parents and children develop an appreciation for wisdom and ancestry. There is less pressure on individuals to shoulder the incredible responsibilites of child rearing and more brains and hearts to handle problems.

Today's western society has broken the family down to mean parents and children. Sometimes even just parent and child. People live thousands of miles away from their closest relatives and many children do not know their grandparents except as a voice on the phone if at all. Our society has made it so parents work and daycares rear our children. And then we all wonder why gang enrollment is at an all-time high, why kids show up in kindergarten with no social skills and unprepared with the basics of learning, why families fall apart over things that in the past would have been worked out, why there are so many lonley latchkey kids, why so many young women feel that they cannot parent unplanned pregnancies, etc. The pressure we place on the modern family is UNREAL.

I know that there are differences between people and there are some families that just can not get along, but for the majority of us this is not the case. We have become selfish isolationists when it come to families and I truly believe it is a disservice to ourselves, our communities and especially our children.

Of course this is only my opinion. My whole family has discussed this on many occasions (we all agree) and I have worked in Family Court long enough to see what this view of family does...

I'll shut up now! :) Sorry to be so long winded, this is just a subject that continues to baffle me.

wholelottacats

I don't understand it, either.
From APs: insecurity? fear? never dealt with their grief of infertility? bought into the idea that these relationships between first parents/children and adoptive parents/children were now a static thing, never to be re-examined? believed that first parents should relinquish and never look back?
From adoptees: APs who encouraged the idea that their first parents were bad people who didn't want their child in any way shape or form? Can't see past their own experience to recognize that not everyone has had that experience? Fear?

I don't know - I think that the reasons are as many as there are people who feel that way.

One of the APs that I know has a completely open relationship with both of her son's first mothers. Open to the point of attending her youngest sons first mother's wedding, with "their" son. One of the first things she ever said about her open adoption has always stuck with me. "How could it ever be a bad thing that there are many people who love my son? Why would I ever deny him the most love he could possibly have in his life?" In the end, for me, that's what I keep in my heart. Doing everything in my power to allow and encourage and facilitate a relationship between my (future) child and their first family. It's not about moments of being uncomfortable for me or having to break out of my comfort zone, or the adults in their life having to make new definitions for the words "parent" or "family" - it's about what will be best for them. And I believe, completely and honestly, that what will be best for them is to have that relationship, that I will maintain that connection for them until they are able to make their own decisions.

I don't understand how people could NOT want that for their child. (well, it's a given that if the relationship is dangerous for the child, contact may not be in their best interest - but the knowledge and the connection is still theirs to do with what they may).

We do live in a time when the definitions and boundaries of what and who exactly constitutes someone's family are shifting and growing - why, then, do we not translate that into adoption?

Possum

Totally agree with you healing.
Adoption should be about making an adoptees family bigger - not about replacing it with another - and pretend the other family never existed.
An adoptee has two families.
That is their reality.
If the adoptee chooses - as an adult - not to have contact - that's fine.
If they are found - as an adult - and they wish not to have contact - they just state that they wish not to have contact - and that's it.
As any adult is allowed to say to any other adult in society.
Simple.

Before then - the adoptive parent 'should' encourage contact of any kind - to open up links - so the adoptee has little trouble finding their truth - the reasons why etc.
Why not make it easier for adoptees to know - rather than putting up roadblocks and dictating how an adoptee should feel.
An adoptee (especially a child) wants to love and know all their families - and they want to be loved fully by all in return.

IDK!!

It's not wrong. I guess what one person chooses isn't best for another person. But what it comes down to is choice.

People needed choices, not the government slamming the door on someones chance to know their family and history.

I have tons of family. there were 11 women in my delivery room when my daughter was born. I have all kinds of room in my heart for more family.

chelsea s

Exactly. There is no reason biological families and adopted children should be kept apart. Except in the minority abuse and drug related cases. Note that I say minority because it is the minority. The problem is that adoptive parents might be insecure or possessive. That is normal, but they should learn to overcome those feelings for the good of their child.

hargonagain

I think it depends on the people involved in each specific adoption. My son's birthfamily and I are really close, so he has my family and his birthfamily around him all the time. He is only 9 months old, so I don't know how that will affect him long term, if it will be better for him or worse, but I don't want him to not know all of his family.

I do know that many people who know about our situation advise me to cut off all contact with the birth family, but it isn't their place to make that decision. I do not plan on cutting off contact, it isn't fair to my baby to take part of his family away from him, just because they aren't able or willing to care for him.

MeerKat

It comes down to choice, one that the adoptee has. If they want a larger family so be it. If they choose not to have a relationship with their b family, again, that is their choice and should be respected.What some adoptees are sick of is the notion that one must find their b parents and one must have a relationship with them. Maybe one set of parents is enough for them, perhaps they have no common ground with their b parents. Again it comes down to the choices one makes for themselves and should be respected.

smudgethezombie

I was adopted at birth. I have known this since I was old enough to understand. I never tried to form a relationship with my biological family because I figure if they'd wanted that they'd have kept me. I'm not being bitter here, I don't resent them or anything, I'm just not the type to go sticking my nose where it isn't wanted. I'm not saying that I'm right and you're wrong, but maybe that's where this line of thought comes from. Maybe some people assume that the biological parents just want to be left alone to live their life in peace. Maybe they feel that being found later on would be painful for them. I don't know. But that's my mindset. If it's an open adoption that's one thing, but if it's closed, I figure it's closed for a reason.

Edit: Not that I would ever judge you, or either of your families, for having a relationship with each other. I'm just trying to shed some light on the mindset you're asking about. =) I'm glad that everything has worked out for you.

BPD Wife

Some cases are easier than others, as you know. In my son's case, we feel that having a relationship with his bio parents would be harmful because of the situation he came from. But we do have a wonderful relationship with his bio grandparents whom I personally love dearly for staying involved with my son's life.

I agree that every situation is different and people need to understand that it needs to be a personal choice. In some cases, as the adoptee grows older, it should be the adoptees choice. However, in a case like our son, who is a young child, I feel it is the adoptive parents' responsibility to insure safety and security for their child. It may seem unfair in some situations, but for me I owe my son protection and would lay down my life to offer him that. If it means that I will not allow a relationship with his bio parents, then that is our family's choice and no one can judge that.

I also agree that if an adoptee chooses to locate his bio family once he/she becomes an adult, it is their personal choice and no one should judge their decision.

I left this forum for a period of time because of all the judgments going on. Adoption is a personal journey. It is not the same for every person involved and we all need to respect that. You see that, and I appreciate you bringing questions like this to the forum to show others that there are different sides. : )

David C

Let's first admit that often there is no "birth family"- there is a single mother who, for many different reasons gave up her child for adoption.

Years down the line she may have got her act together, either married the father or moved on, married someone else and raised her own family, so the appearance of her first child may cause very difficult moments in her life - let's also be honest and admit that many of the young women this applies to NEVER tell anybody of the birth and adoption of a child.

All that being said, and knowing that the methods of contact always try to ensure that both birth mother and adopted child WANT to renew contact then of course they should be given that chance.
I know that for some adoptees the reality can be tough, they often have created in their mind an image and back story to "explain" to themselves the "WHY" of their adoption and this can be shattered when the real mother is revealed, but that is one of the pitfalls that adoptees must accept in their search for roots.

Every case is different and has to be judged on the possible repercussions within both the parent's and the child's world.

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