Right To Privacy OR The Right to know?

julie j

Hi NH-Adoptee,

First I will mention that the evidence shows that the overwhelming majority (over 95%) of mothers DO welcome their children lost to adoption back into their lives. I'm sorry your mother, for whatever reason, is not ready to do that at this time. When anyone, first mothers included, do not wish to have a relationship with any other person, I believe that needs to be respected. When you say you are still searching for her family, I hope you realize that it's equally accurate to say you are searching for YOUR family because it is just as much your family as it is hers. While she may make her own desires known as to whether or not she is open to a relationship with you, it is not her right to determine what other adult people in your family want, regardless of whether she currently communicates with them or not.

The question as to whether or not mothers were promised permanent anonymity upon relinquishment has been addressed many times on this forum. Nobody has ever been able to produce any evidence to that effect. Not even the NCFA. The reason is because it does not exist. Identities of a child are not altered until and unless an adoption finalization subsequently occurs. It is the AP's option in some cases as to whether or not to change the child's information anyways. It was never done to protect a mother later from her child or vice-versa. It was an attempt to create a "blank slate" product for the AP's and to protect the AP's from any perceived interference from the child's family. Now some are claiming to speak for the mothers and say they were promised permanent privacy from their child. Listen to the mothers - They are not the ones claiming that. It is others with conflicting interests who are now trying to speak on their behalf.

Conversely, it has also been said that in some cases mothers were actually told if they relinquished they would be reuniting with their child when he/she became an adult. Some were led to believe the child would be provided with identifying information upon request in order to locate them. If any type of oral assurances were made either way at the time of relinquishment, nobody was authorized to make them and they are not legally binding.

Agreeing to not assume the parental duties of a child is only that. It is not, nor should it be, an involuntary witness protection program for any party to adoption. Every citizen is already entitled to the same level of privacy as everyone else. Every citizen is already entitled to the same restraining orders if that is really necessary. It is wrong to assume those adopted or who have adopted or who have relinquished require extra automatic precautions taken against them. In this country we are presumed to be innocent until proven guilty of a crime. We are meant to all be entitled to the same civil rights just by virtue of being born here. Nobody has the right to later permanently give away some rights of another person without that other person's consent.

In any case, the adoptee clearly did not agree to anything, did not see anything, did not sign anything, and should not be expected to be permanently bound to any contract regarding his/her own life, especially as an adult. They should be entitled to the same rights everyone else has. Everyone else has the right to know where they came from. So should the adoptee. Everyone else has a right to their own factual record of birth. Adoptive parents do, relinquishing parents do, people raised with their own parents do. Adoptees should too if we really are concerned with equal and balanced rights for all.

To sum it up, first mothers are not legally entitled to, nor do they generally desire, automatic additional rights to privacy. This would only be possible at the expense of their child, by first taking away some of his/her rights to which other citizens are legally entitled. Do I believe anyone has the right to take away another person's heritage and ancestry? No I don't, not even parents. Those equally belong to all people in a family and an adoption can never negate that. I feel you do have a right to know about the family you came from. Requesting a relationship with another person is not the same thing as a right to one though, as any relationship requires the voluntary participation of both parties, adopted or not. The real question is not whether we should be balancing possible privacy requests of some against basic rights of others. That is an apples/oranges type of thing. The fair balancing of rights is giving everyone exactly the same: all the same rights to privacy, all the same rights to their own information & records, and all the same rights to opportunities to relationships with others. Then it is up to each individual to decide for themselves where to go from there.

Thanks for asking our viewpoints. Hope this helps. Good luck NH-Adoptee.

julie j
reunited adoptee

BLW_KAM

You were not a party to the promise made to your first mother, therefore you are not bound by it.

You have a right to know. Of this I have no doubts.

ETA: A week ago I was on the fence about this. But thanks to one of those "eureka" moments, I now have no doubts.

Lori A

Your right to know. You had nothing to do with her decision and you never promised not to look. It shouldn't be a problem since she is estranged from YOUR family by her own choice.

towanda

The right to know out weighs the right to privacy. Adoptees are walking medical mysteries, we do not know our medical history and what land mines may be in our future. We have the right to know medical history and all other aspects of our lives.

sunny

Neither of you have a right to privacy.

Go for it.

Sly

I have a question for you, too. Have you attempted contact with her again? Sometimes it takes time to readjust to contact after spending your whole adult life hiding. I would suggest that you attempt to contact her first, and in your contact letter, tell her that you desire a relationship with her, but if she refuses contact, you will respect her wish. However, tell her that you intend to continue to try to contact other members of the family if they are willing. Tell her that you feel you have a right to some sort of contact with people who are blood related to you, and wish that she would be a part of it, but if not you intend to proceed with an alternate plan. Tell her that you are sorry she is having difficulty with this, and that you hope you are not contributing to any pain she may be in. If she changes her mind later, that you would welcome contact any time.

I don't see why this has to be your rights or her rights. It needn't be confrontational or threatening. A compromise or a meeting halfway is often all it takes to open the door. It may just be way too painful for her to resurrect at this moment. You have no idea what may be happening in her life at any given moment. Try again, with gentleness, and maybe the next time you will be lucky. A card or a note, a simple email telling her you are thinking of her and hope she is well. That may be all it takes.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

adoptees right.

we never chose to be born.

Looney Tunes

FREE MY RECORDS!

That is our lives in those things!

tish

quite honestly, fmothers--like aparents, need to understand that adoption doesn't guarantee one a clean slate.

ps. i'm always amazed at how much support "birthmother privacy" is among some of the same folk who would never advocate for this woman if she decided to keep her child.

Lyric M

Adoptees right to know where they came from! I'm adopted, only 14, but i am always searching for information, i know absoloutly nothing, and i think it's incredibly selfish that the person who gave me away wouldn't do so much as to let me know a little information, or meet her when i'm of age.

dudet#12

I think that genes are regardless in finding your identity but your hopes, dreams and desires are not
If it is your dream to find your biological family than I would say shoot for it.
Good Luck

Freckle Face

Dear NH-Adoptee,

Above everything else YOU have a right to know who you are and where you come from.

I do not believe parents have the right to anonymity from their children.

mamachick

I am an adoptee and a first mom. I strongly believe that it is the adoptees right to know. When a couple has a child, that child knows everything about his or her parents. Why are the adoptees missing out? We have just as much right to know as the natural children!

Torrejon

I do understand what you are asking...my bmom refused contact and I had to ponder the whether or not I wanted to search further.

I figured that if bmom did not want contact, that was most certainly her right. But she had no right to prevent contact between me and my full-blood sibling. That sibling didn't even know I existed. How can anyone make a decision with knowing the facts? And as soon as my sibling discovered the truth, I got a phone call.

Unfortunately, contact with my sibling meant that bmom's secret had to be revealed. She still stays completely out of everything, but she had/has no right to prevent other relationships from developing.

Heather B

In a Democracy underpinned by Freedom of Association nobody has the 'right to annonymity'. Nobody. (Unless you're in the Witness Protection Program LOL)

Adoption is not the witness protection program.

The United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child state that every human has the right to know who their natural parents are

Not Adopted

You have a right to know all members of your family.

They do not have a right to remain anonymous.

I hope you have much success in reuniting with your relatives!

snowwillow20

If you would have asked me this years ago, I would have said no you don't have a right to look, I was told you couldn't find me. You were my secret. But life happens and we change and we learn and we search.
I think you should try contact with your firstmom, one more time. If that is too painful for you, then search for her family.
You are no longer a child and the rules that were imposed on you by us, should no longer apply.

Rylee

Being adopted i go for adoptees rights to know where they came from.

I was intersted to know where i came from, so i went on a search to find my parents and thier familes. I found out father first and then my mother. Im glad i know where i come from now and who my parents are. It gives me a sense of knowing who i really am, which is really important.

Crucio

It depends one has a right to know their medical and ethnic heritage.

i think both parties have the right to look but once found the person has right not to carry on a realationship. There are people who are not adopted who don't know people in there bloodline

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