Should I adopt a child.?

sizesmith

I am also a widow (a week after my 21st birthday), and I am also now an adoptive, as well as bio mom.

Since you were thinking of this before, and now you've had some time to grieve, and your kids seem good with the idea, I support you.

I wish I'd gone ahead and done this when I was much younger. I'm now 42 with a year old son, and am planning on adopting more. The fact that you're adopting through the foster care system is even greater, and I wish you luck and support. Many people here are much younger, and don't realize that the grieving process in a healthy relationship is often easier than the grieving in a guilt ridden relationship. Also, there is just some times that you will remember, and have good and bad thoughts. It's hard, and children don't fill the void, but moving on and going on with life makes a happy life. It sounds to me that you're doing this for the right reasons. As a matter of fact, you might be able to better help children who are going through the processes of grief and loss. I truly believe that someone who is raised happier, has had a healthy relationship in most aspects of life, and is less filled with hate gets through the processes of dealing with things like adoption, stepparents, and death, better than those who weren't taught that life does go on, and it gets better, if they let it. It took me 16 years, but I have met a man I call my better half again!

furfur

Hey Molly,

Y/A can get a bit rough sometimes, but I do encourage you to think about the deeper meaning behind Lillie and Andraya's message. Your kids may be hunky dory, but I would take heed to Andraya's warning that they may not be. Children will keep things like this to themselves out of wanting to protce their parents.

An adopted child will have needs your biological children will not have as he/she grows older. Please do some research to make sure you are prepared to meet their needs as well as the needs of yourself and your biological kids.

Parenting with two adults is challenging, when you lose your partner, it can take awhile to find your footing again. Maybe your husband had a terminal illness and you were able to regain your footing so quickly because you were going through that grieving process before you had to officially say good bye. Whatever the reasons are, I strongly encourage you to research this before you jump. I am not here to judge you or tell you what an appropriate amount of time to grieve is, but if you adopt a child, they will be grieving too...the loss of their first parents and I just want to make sure you understand this.

Anyway, good luck in your journey, whatever you decide. I am very sorry for your and your children's loss.

ETA: I am glad to hear that you are doing some research. Please don't take this as an attack...we are just trying to look out for your kids, current and any adopted ones you may have. In addition to your foster training, two books I can reccommend are The Primal Wound and Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wished Their Parents Knew. I cannot recall the authors.

Jennifer L

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Please make sure you and your children have had time to grieve the loss. Adoption is a major adjustment for everyone involved. Please be sure that you and the children already in the home are able to cope with another major change in the family.

Mrs S.

it's ok to adopt as a single mom but...since your husband just passed away you need time to grieve. The average period of grieving for a close relative is 2-4 years.

Andraya

So you want another child to help you deal with the void in your family that was left when your husband passed away?

Bad reason to adopt. Seriously BAD reason to adopt. Get grief counseling.

Oh and your kids are not "OK" with their dad not being around they are just hiding their feelings. Trust me on that one.

DevonChaos

Please don't adopt a child to fill a void in your life. There are many things you can do that will help fill the void. Don't put a child in your life and give them the job of replacing someone that you love. Wait and think it over.

Plus, really, it shouldn't matter what your other children think. This child is going to be YOUR responsibility. They will think of it as a toy if you give them a choice in the matter.

EDIT: The death of your husband was obviously a reason you have decided to adopt, otherwise you wouldn't have included it in your question.

EDIT: If you are so upset with what people are saying, why did you ask a question like this in an open forum? I have read some of your other questions and answers. You are not new to Y!A and you are not new to the adoption questions either. Were you only looking for someone to reiterate what you were feeling? Were you looking for some justification for your feelings? If either of these are the reason, you are not ready for the responsibility and dedication that it takes to adopt a child of any age. You seem to be quite emotional and unstable from your reactions here. These don't bode well for any children, much less one who might have already suffered some kind of emotional events in the past.

Honey, you aren't done grieving. You never are 100% over it. In my humble opinion, you need to give it a rest. You are still raw from this, its obvious from your question and your resulting responses.

Lillie

"I feel like i need to adopt a child any age"

Really? Why? As a distraction so you won't have to think about the absence of your husband?

"My kids love the idea of another child"

And so this child would be what...a neat-o little plaything?
Somehow, I don't get the feeling that your priorities are in line here. Get some counseling for your grief, get a puppy for your kids, and forget about adopting for now.

ETA: Really? You think your kids have adjusted well after only 7 months???

My parents died TWELVE YEARS ago and I still have not "adjusted". Losing your parent is not something anyone can easily get over or move on from. They may seem fine on the outside, but seriously, I doubt they are fine with it.

ETA2: Um, no, I am talking about my adoptive parents, you know, the ones who raised me and who I loved very much? Yeah, them. Losing THEM, my parents, the people who raised me, was not an easy thing, not for someone who was in her 20's nor is it easy for anyone at any age.

Why do you get so defensive when people try to look out for the best interests of the child? Wow.

jennuinelove

First of all, make sure you are not just reacting to your husband's death. A child will not fill his place, only create a new one.

If you are sure that adoption is what you want, consider this: as of now, the child has no mother nor father. If the choice is between 1 parent or none, I would think the child would be thrilled with a stable, loving home, that comes with 2 siblings and a doting mom.

Best of luck to you, adoption stories have a special place in my heart.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

you feel like you need to adopt a child????

me me me me me

um, how about sticking with the two you have. an adoptee already has a job to do when they come into the aparents lives. don't make "fixing my own grief" yet another task to perform. sheesh.

Wundt

In response to your statement, "Would you guys feel the same if i didn't tell you my husband passed away." Obviously, the fact you lost your husband is a major factor, so yes, the answers you get are highly influenced by this piece of information. It doesn't mean the answerers are wrong, and more information always leads to better answers.

I have to agree with others, 7 months since the death of a spouse is too short to be making such a change you in your life. That is not to say you should not adopt, but move cautiously. However, there is nothing to stop you from beginning what can be a multiple year process. Start taking the classes and doing research, so you will be ready, when you are emotionally ready. You might also consider becoming a foster parent, this gives you more options if you decide down the road that you need to focus on your children (who, after all, just lost their father).

Kelly M

NO, you shouldn't.

Hannah B

If you have the time, money, love and space for a new child then I say go for it. There are so many children in foster homes that need adopting. Single parents are considered as long as they have the time and money for another child. There are lots of older children that need homes but it is best for your birth children to keep things in birth order, i.e. adopt a child younger that both your children.

Mallis Momma

I think there's nothing wrong with it. My mother adopted a short while after my father passed away, she started with doing foster care, and it was great for my brother and I, just all of us as a family.. Children who have no parents really tend to feel alone, like no one else understands them, who better to accept, love, and relate to them than a mother and children who truly understand loss.. I applaud you for taking this time of sorrow for you and your children and turning it in to an opportunity to help others. almost 10 years since my father passed away now, and my mom is finalizing her 5th adoption, completely crazy at times, but I wouldn't trade my family for anything. People ask her why she does it, or "don't you think you've got enough to handle".. she just responds with "I don't argue with God". They usually shut up.

cora7391

I think it is a great idea to adopt specially if your kids are on board but you are still in a rough time right now I would not make the decession to add to my family just yet and I serioulsy doubt a worker would place a child with you

Tianna S

yes definitly if you really love children do it !!would be wonderfull!we have enough children who need parents. i think ppl should adopt because these kids need them . we dont need to have more we need to slow down and take care of the kids that dont have anyone. otherwise what kind of future are they gonna get we are already running out of recourses and if you do have to have one of your own just have one.i think alot of good and nothing but good can come from adopting.

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