Should I ever tell my daughter?

Mia

Yes. You should tell her. same thing happened with me. (blonde hair blue eyes, sisters with brown hair brown/hazel eyes) I never really asked. My mom told me when I was around 10-11. She made it a special day. She took me out of school and took me to eat. She then explained and asked about biological fathers. Then she told me my dad wasn't my biological father, but will always be my dad. And she is always open to discuss it, and evern find him. I have no interest though. :) Hope that helps.

Lori A

I am as white as sour cream,with pale blue eyes. My boys are dark eyed, dark skinned, dark haired. I have even been asked if I was the baby sitter or neighbor at the hospital in regard to my boys. My husband is not their father either but also dark eyed, haired, and skinned. My boys are half Italian and my husband is Hispanic/Native American. We get looked at in public too. That does not mean that my kids are confused on who they are or what their nationality is. If you hold this info back it will seem like a dirty secret or something to be kept quiet. she needs to know as she starts to notice so it will always be a given that it's just the way it is and is completely acceptable to you.

Maty

u should before she finds out 4rm some1 else

devon_chaos

Yes, she deserves to know. It isn't shameful that she has a different father, but if you treat it as though it were, she will see it as such. She needs to know. It is a serious situation, but she deserves to know the truth about her parentage. Soon. You don't have to tell her the whole story yet, but tell her in a way that she will understand. It is going to come out someday, and if you aren't the one to tell her, it will break her heart.

cmc

Yes, you should tell her. She'll definitely figure it out eventually, and ask about it - you don't want to lie to her. I think you can tell her soon, when she's asking something about babies or families, if you know someone adopting, if she asks about looking different etc... You can tell her families are formed in different ways. That her daddy (the one she knows) is her daddy, but there was another daddy that helped make her...

If you don't tell her she will resent it when she finds out.

Misty D

Wow that must be a hard situation. I think you should really put yourself in her shoes and do what you would have wanted. I believe if you tell her while she is young it will be easier to cope with and she will not have resentment towards you from keeping it from her for so long.

I know a person who thought his mothers husband was his dad almost his whole adolescence. He was finally told the truth that he had a different dad when he was teenager. He was so upset that he felt lied to that he distanced himself for a long time and had resentment.

So I say the sooner you tell your daughter the better. You can make sure to tell her that even though the man who left had her blood, it doesn't mean that the man she calls daddy now isn't her dad, and he loves her very much.

Renay.

well when she grows up more shes going to ask you why she has different skin.
and dont lie about that, just tell her the truth and she will understand when she is older

Erin L

Yes. You have to tell her, and you have to tell her now. Secrets build mistrust. She WILL eventually find out. It's already coming out from what you describe. You don't have to tell her about all the disfunction and gory details of her father at her age, but you have to tell her. The heavier stuff can come out in age appropriate ways as discusions emerge as she grows up. Good luck.

Heather Leigh

You need to tell her now before she figures it out herself. If you don't tell her she will feel betrayed and that she can't trust you.

RoboCop

YES!! YOU MUST TELL HER!

People need to know (for practical reasons and emotional reasons) who their biological parents are. In addition, it's quite obvious that this child does not look like her "dad," so eventually, at some point, she'll start asking questions. It would be HORRIBLY TRAUMATIC for her to have you sit her down when she's 15 or 20 and suddenly spring it on her that this guy isn't indeed her dad. She'll feel lost and, worse, BETRAYED. After all, how would you feel if YOUR mom lied to you all your life about who your dad was. Even if you have good intentions, lying always shatters trust.

She's young enough now that you can explain it to her without having too much trauma (but tell her now; don't wait, because kids develope very quickly at this age). You can say something about how all families are different; that 'daddy' is not the same daddy that she was born with, but that he (and you all) love her very much and that you guys will always be her parents. This is really important, so i suggest going to a psychologist once or twice and/or reading a couple of books/articles on the subject (ie, how to explain to your child that she is adopted) (i know that she's not 'adopted,' but these works will still give you an idea of how to explain her situation to her without hurting her.)

The great thing about kids is that, especially at this age, she will accept what you tell her and probably not be troubled by it. She may ask certain questions (natural children's curiosity), so be prepared, but she will quickly get used to the idea. And then you won't have any secrets between you; no fear hanging over you for the rest of your life that she will discover the 'terrible truth.'

Finally, it's also important for her to know about her real dad because, on the SMALL chance that he gets help for his mental illness and/or rage problem, she needs to have the possibility of a relationship with him somewhere down the road. I know that that sounds horrible to you right now, but a good mother would WANT her child to be able to have her dad in her life. If he ever turns his life around and becomes a positive influence, you should be happy to let him get involved with her. If she doesn't know about her real dad, she'll never have this opportunity.

good luck!

Ayuu

YES. Start talking to her about it from an early age, make it a normal aspect of her life. I was adopted, everyone acknowledged it from the day I was born, the fact that I was adopted was never, ever an issue. I had a very loving life, and I grew up and went to college, got married and I'm SO happy. I was always told that I was more special for being adopted, because I was picked out while the other parents had to "be happy" with what they got. :)

Having open communication with you children is important. How could they trust you if you don't tell them something so vital to their identity? Even though your kid is little, she'll understand the more you bring it up. And she'll love you more for it. I drew pictures and wrote poems to my mom when I was little, thanking her for adopting me.

cantstopLinnyG

Yes. To not tell her is insulting. It is her story, and at 5, she probably already knows.
You need to tell her now. If you don't someone else will, and the damage to your relationship could be severe.
You don't need to go into all the devastating details now, but she does need to know, and the sooner the better.

Abigailallheart76

Yes you shoudl explain it but be like, You have 2 daddys a birth daddy and your daddy now. Make it a fact of life. That she has 2 dads, but that your now husband is her dad now.

Baby Ayden in Belly! 40+weeks...

What matters is who raises her and loves her. This is her daddy too. I would tell her eventually if she doesn't ask beforehand because kids are curious and once she starts kindergarden she will probably learn a lot from the other kids and be even more curious. There's nothing wrong with telling her that she looks like "You" more than the other kids and daddy and "you" love her just as much as your other children. Trying to explain to her that her birth father is a diff. guy than her father who raised her will just confuse her right now. When she's ready she'll most likely ask you guys. I was adopted and I am a nanny, so...I can relate. The 5 year old I watch is very curious and she talks a lot, but...can't put everything "together" yet because she still has so much to learn and only have a small sense of what life is about.

solitudesheep

I think you should tell her that her daddy is her daddy, but her bio dad is not her daddy and leave it at that

Molly B

I wouldn't go out of your way to force the information on her. But one day, when she does ask, don't lie to her.

Justine L

yeah tell her when she asks

Doctor ECW Extremist

WOW, I think you should tell her when she's like, 15!

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