Should I report this adoptive parent to social services?

I don't want to make her life harder than it is but since most paps and aps on here are so against natural families needing assistance, im thinking whats good for the goose is good for the anti natural family gander.

My neighbor up the street is infertile and adopted 3 toddlers internationally. He husband left her and she had to move into her parents house because she doesn't have a job. Neighbors are saying that she just got married so she could meet the qualifications for adoptions. Her parents moved out and let her family move in..this alone goes against the stipulations in her parents mortgage. Its considered fraud because the owners are not living in the house and it is now considered rental property which means higher interest rates as well as more taxes to be paid.
Although that doesn't bother me, what does is she is having her young children go door to door asking neighbors to donate money for stick figure sketches of their family made by the children. I asked one of the kids why they were doing this and one slipped up and said because mommy needs money.

I do have compassion for her but since she decided to irresponsibly adopt children from China without being able to support them, I think that she needs to get evaluated. Obviously adoption was about her wants and not the children. Children especially adopted kids shouldn't have to go around their neighborhood begging for money because mommy doesn't want to get a job.

Should I report this irresponsible Ap or just tell the kids to come over anytime mommy can't feed them?
Additional Details
1. The children were adopted as toddlers ages now are around 3,6,8. If I knew some Aps would have taken this so personally I would have been more specific.
2. There is a difference between a lemonade stand or selling stuff on ebay vs solicitation.
3. If mommy wasn't crying on the should of Rona Beret of the neighborhood, nobody would know the details of her problems such as her exhusband being gay and she can't have children.
4. If I didn't have compassion for her I would have walked her kids home and publicly humiliated her as well as immediately calling the police.
5. Acknowledging someone was being irresponsible for adopting 3 children for over $60,000 and not being able to financially care for them isn't being judgemental. She should have been honest about her marriage of convenience during the homestudies. It would have prevented these children from being misplaced into her care.

Freckle Face

Dear Independant,

I don't think you hate aparents. I tend not to take anything said on y!a personally. Imo, you use shock affect to try to wake people up and open their eyes. I value your opinions and i can see you are painting this picture as a senario of comparison. Imo, you are trying to point out the obvious hypocracy in the adoption world.

No, I would not report her. I also would not report a single teenage mother in the same position. I would reserve calling cps for serious child endangerment abuse. Maybe we still live in Mayberry here, but our neighborhood is our community. I would simply walk the child home and inform the mother of what the toddler was doing and saying. Our neighborhood would take turns making dinners for the family at the least.

It saddens me to see people act irresponsibly. Creating this family was an obvious choice, so i do hold them to higher standards. The adoptive father needs to pay more in child support and the adoptive mother needs to do daycare or get a part-time job to create an income while raising children. Plenty of single mothers work, go to school, and raise children single handedly. She needs to stop the pity party and get busy supporting the children she chose to add to her family. I have very little empathy for her but i would help her out for the sake of the children. Honestly, i would have greater empathy for a young struggling teenage mother raising her child alone.

IDK!!

WOW, I am astonished by how many infertile people you know. Seriously!

If the kids did this without her knowing, I think it's sweet, but I don't think kids should worry about their parents money problems.

My daughter wanted to buy a $500 loft bed when she had a perfectly find bed. Rather than just buying it for her, she did various art projects and sold them on Ebay. She raised half of the money and we paid the other half. I think it was a great learning experience

I Love A Child With Autism!!!

If you are truly about family preservation and what is right for the children, then obviously you would want to find a way to help them out...as you claim to do with natural families. After all, would it be in the best interest of the children to be taken away from yet another mother? Makes me wonder what side you are really on...when you preach/rant from your pulpit...is it really because you care for children or is the truth that you despise AP's so much you would take pure glee in reporting one?

ETA: Kazi, great point about the Chinese adoption laws. I never thought about that. Can you imagine being so empty inside that you have to make up stories about horrible AP's and their abuse on their children. I am beginning to feel pity for Inde!!!

Jenn

It's amazing how much you know and believe through hearsay. The whole living situation about the house...doesn't sound like it's any of your business. I agree with the first answerer, if you are concerned, then reach out to this woman. Tell her that her kids came to your house asking for money and you were wondering if there was anything she needed help with.

It sounds like she's had it hard. Imagine adopting foreign children only to have your husband leave you? Instead of being a gossip, offer your help.

â™¥Luckyâ™¥

Why not reach out to the mother and find out the situation, rather than jumping to conclusions based on something a toddler told you? Maybe there is a way you can help her out while she gets on her feet. Surely the children have been through enough without getting ripped out of the only home they have known.

Kazi

Let me count all of the ways that this question is BS!!!

1. With all the unethical, infertile people you have encountered, they must just see you coming these days.

2. 3 toddlers from China is IMPOSSIBLE and here's why: There is no such thing as sibling adoption in China unless we are talking about twins, which is VERY rare. And as China has a 12 months rule between adoptions and 12 months between the ages, that would mean you either are lying about this or you do not have a concept of children's ages.

3. If she got married simply to adopt internationally, she and her husband-in-name only, have a lot of patience indeed. You have to be married for 2 years before you can begin the process and then wait another 2 years to receive your referral.

4. I am amazed that you know the intimate details of neighbours marriages and mortgages and financials. I must ask, do you live on Wisteria lane?

And just so no one can report me for not answering the question: No, I wouldn't call social services. Call them about what? Cute kids selling their drawings. My daughter was selling lemonade from her Dora the Explorer drink maker last week, maybe I should get reported too.

Oh and by the by... How would you know all this from your busy work with the poor of Guatemala? If I recall were you not leaving for Guatemala "in a few days" about 2 months ago?

Curiouser and curiouser.

Carnie C

sounds like you are one busy bee with too much time on your hands. has the phrase MYOB been said to you?

i don't believe what you're saying -- that she has them go door to door . . .if that was true, maybe it's just the kids and their imagination. lol, i used to hold plays in my backyard and charge everyone a nickle. lol

whya re you so against ap's?

Indian-vision

I agree with all 4 people- Jenn, TTC and others who have responded to you so far. Do you hate adoptive parents so much that it gives pleasure to harm them whenever possible.
You hear a toddler talk and some neighbourly gossip and make lots of assumptions to suit you. If you truly have compassion why don't you offer this lady any help. The gossip may be just that !! And as for toddler talk...........only a mother with a toddler knows how dependable their words are.

Santa's Lil' Helper

Wow you are awfully fixated on so many infertile adoptive parents. I mean what are the odds that you would know so many. Do what you think will make you feel better but I thought you were suppose to be Guatemala. You know helping those girls from having their babies stolen. How can you be there and at home at the same time...this does not add up!

Jennifer L

I think you should fork over your personal savings to support her, since you advocate that for prospective adoptive parents. This is a family now, and family preservation is very important.

Yes, the word "family" applies, even when it involves children who were adopted internationally.

And three toddlers from China? Wow, that's pretty amazing. Sometimes your stories are so far out there that they seem almost... unbelievable.

almost human

i always say - nobody ever really knows what transpires between two people - and rumors and hearsay could be directed at yourself one day.

the only thing that concerns me is little children going door to door. i can't think of a more unsafe thing to allow children to do. you could file a report with cps based solely on that, but your own bias should not be part of the equation, the only consideration should be whether or not the mother's negligence is a danger to the children. cps will probably do nothing because of triage due to their heavy caseload. but, it will establish a history should things deteriorate more.

what's done is done and there's no undoing it without further tragedy. a cost/benefit analysis must be looked at in each case. really, if you want to be part of the village it takes to raise a child, volunteer to babysit while the mom looks for work, or goes to a psychologist, or goes to get food stamps. nailing the mother isn't going to help the children, judgment rarely helps anyone, but assisting her might.

Molly D

Some people have problem and you can say you won't
I'm sure she didn't expect her husband to leave her when she adopted those kids. I know from experience that you don't plan things like this to happen to you. I didn't. I had to get help from my parents and in-laws to support my kids for three months until I could put my live back together. Sometimes people just need a little help.
Maybe you can help babysit.
Please don't judge her, try to find some kindness in your heart.

God bless you.

Lauren C

I feel like if she is taking care of the children and they are not at risk you should just try to help her, instead of disabling her situation more. She is doing what she can, and is just in a rough spot. I don't think she is a bad mother, just needing help and advice.

Shelby

I had a long response all typed up, then wondered why on earth I bothered.

Why ask people on Y/A. Report her already, so she will get her just rewards and you can then sleep peacefully at night knowing you again saved more children from greedy, infertile, baby buying AP/PAPs.

Problem solved.

PS- I agree with Kazi, this question sounds BS.

Kim

Well, I'd say it'd definitely unwise and unsafe to let toddlers go, unchaperoned, soliciting door to door, no matter what they're asking for donations for. I guess you would be in a better position to know if the children are being neglected that we would.

However, as far as I can tell, the mother's fertility, and the children's adoption status is totally irrelevant.

ETA: I would not consider 6 and 8 year olds "toddlers." I assumed all of them were under about 4 yo since you called them toddlers.

Kristen L

It sounds like the mother has had hard issues to face, I am sure that she did not invision her life this way. She obviously had tried to have children or you would not know that she is infertile, this means she had a husband that was dedicated. Don't let rumors taint your opinion of a well meaning woman, and why would you care about her parents mortgage, it sounds like you personally don't like her. She has not broken any laws about child safety and although it is rude of her kids to go door to door, perhaps she didn't ask them to do this. Support this woman or leave her alone.

2/20/2009

I would try and help out the family, not get them in trouble. Everyone has times of needs, and at one time, when the husband and wife were together, I'm sure they were a great family. Adoption does go through a lot of processes so I'm sure they were evaluated a ton.

Gershom

Maybe you could call the NCFA and ask them to donate some of their millions that have been granted to support the adoption industry. Oh wait, but SHE's not in a 2 parent family now is she. 2 parent familys are only necessary when referrenced to a single, unwed mother facing an unexpected pregnancy.

This wouldn't be about family preservation, their "family" has already been disrupted from who knows what. The children have been through a lot already yes, and I don't think that your question of reporting them to SS was serious. I think it was an example of the double standards people have for "adopting" and "single unexpected motherhood."

I don't agree that children should be going door to door asking for money. Nor do I believe that they would make something like that up on their own without influence from their mother or another adult in their life. We aren't rich and could always do for some extra cash, but my kids know nothing about that. It wouldn't be right of me to put that "worry" into their young minds.

I guess they should be grateful for it, because after all, they could be in a dumpster or a trashcan or panhandling in some third world country to support their family there right?

Sly

Yes, report them. I don't see any problem with that if a toddler is out begging door to door! That is abuse, plain and simple. Yes, she needs help and that is what social services is supposed to do. She is either too proud to ask for help and they need it, or she has gone off the deep end. Either way, they did not live up to their end of the adoption bargain and she is now not living up to the Mother bargain, either. If they were going to beg for money and live hand to mouth, why were they removed from their own country to do it. I am just wondering what the people here would say if she had given birth to them? Bet it wouldn't sound like Christian charity.

I am in favor of natural family preservation. There is a difference.

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