Should I tell my friend what I really think about her plans to take her daughter's baby?

I have a friend that I have been close to since high school. She has a daughter who is 18 and pregnant.

Last night they came to visit and my friend told me that she had talked her daughter into giving the baby to her and her husband as soon as it was born and "signing papers".

My friend only had two children. She wanted more but for medical reasons was unable to have more. She has always talked about having grand kids and raising them.

Her daughter has had a lot of emotional problems in the past. However, I have let her babysit my kids many times and she has done an excellent job.

I think the girl is immature and probably needs guidance but I think her mother's plan to take her baby and raise it is terrible.

My friend keeps going on and on about how soon she will have a baby and how we can take the kids on playdates when "her" baby is older (my youngest is only 1 yr old)

Part of me wants to tell her I think what she is doing is wrong. My husband says to let it go, that she will do what she is going to do and to say anything would mess up an other wise good, long term friendship.

Oh and she is now comparing her situation to my situation with my adopted daughter. She has even told her daughter that she is being a good mother and doing what is best for her baby the way A________ (my daughter's first mom) did when she let me adopt.

The difference here is that A_________ had a chance to parent her child. She ended up neglecting and possibly abusing the child, but she had the chance. And I did NOT ask A________ to let me adopt. That was HER idea.

I hate the fact that my friend is using my situation to manipulate her daughter into giving up her baby as well as to justify it.

Any ideas to help me get thru this sticky situation with my integrity and my friendship in tact?

(oh and as a side note, my friend was 18 and unmarried when she had her daughter and she did ok...I have no idea why she thinks her daughter shouldn't be given the same chance)
Additional Details
ETA: I think she just wants another baby and has convinced her daughter to give her this one. She has talked about raising her grandkids since her daughters were little and she found out she couldn't have anymore.

As for her daughter's feelings, I don't know. She says she will sign papers, but not sure how she really feels

grapesgum

Could you gently suggest kinship care instead of a permanent adoption? A lot of parents think that adoption is the only way to help the mom-to-be and the baby (i.e., get health insurance) and don't know about kinship care. Does the daughter live with her parents? And what about the father of the baby?

I have had 2 friends and a family member who did formal adoptions of their grandchildren and once the moms and/or dads were older, they wanted their children back. Two of the families were honest about the relationship from the beginning and were able to work things out amicably where the (natural) moms were given custody of their children with lots of contact with the grandparents. In the third case, the relationships were a secret until someone spilled the beans when the child was about 11 ys. The grandmother fought her daughter and lost both of them when her daughter ran off with the child a couple of years later. It was ugly.

I don't see a happy ending in this situation. It is great that the grandma-to-be is involved, but I truly think that she is going about "helping" in the wrong way and a way that her daughter will eventually resent.

Flying Monkey #073177

Can you talk to her daughter? Maybe take her out for a lunch date and see how she feels about all of this. My parents tried to force adoption on me with my first two kids and even though I went against their wishes I sure wish I would have had someone on my side, someone to talk to about it all. If you can talk to her daughter one on one I would suggest gathering up some info on local resources that can help her parent and if she is at all interested in parenting her child tell her you will help her get the help she will need. Really this isn't about your friend or her wishes at all, it is about a young mother and her child.

the artist

Have you asked for her reasons for this decision, she may as a young mother herself know the hardships this may cause for her daughter. If she has been your friend for years, you should be able to have an adult conversation with her about this decision. Is her daughter wanting to sign over rights?

sizesmith

First, I'd talk to the daughter. If there's even a glimmer of a chance that she is doing this because of her mother's involvement and pressure, then I'd casually ask your friend who's doing her homestudy, and call the social worker who's doing it, and explain that this woman has been saying for years that she wants to raise her grandchildren.

Her attitude is not a healthy one, and this situation can create ongoing harm in her family. In a healthy way, if the daughter stays with the parents, and grandma helps her with the baby, it might be a healthy thing for all involved.

Good luck!

Randy B

If you feel that strongly about it then, by all means, tell her how you feel and why you feel that way. I can't see that it will do any good from her point but it may. Of course, it would most likely be the end of the friendship but if its that important to you I'd say something.

Ginger S

It really sounds like she just misses the baby stage and really wants another baby or someone to take care of. Does she have a husband/boyfriend? or is it just her? Maybe she needs to get a puppy.
I don't think it is right that she is taking her daughter's baby. She should be providing guidance and support to her daughter instead of just taking the baby over. If she proved that she wasn't a good mother (daughter) then maybe steps could be done for grandma to take her in for a little while but until then I don't think so. You are definitely in a hard situation because if you talk to your friend she will probably be very upset and it may hurt your friendship. I kind of agree with your husband in that sense. However, if she can't take advice from a good friend constructively then is she actually a good friend anyway?

MamaKate

Dear K,

I think it would be totally acceptable for you to mention that you do not wish to be used as an example and then explain why not. As long as this is done gently and from the perspective of what makes YOU uncomfortable, your friend should understand why you do not wish to be included in the reasons why her daughter should surrender her child to her mother. If your friend values your feelings she should at least have the courtesy to not use your situation to promote her cause and perhaps seeing your perspective could encourage her to go with a different method of assisting her daughter and grandchild.

If you feel especially strongly about it and your friend continues to pressure her daughter then perhaps speaking to her daughter about it would be acceptable as long as you do not do it in a way that can be supportive and not seen as going behind your friend's back. The daughter is a legal and capable adult and deserves some support if she wishes to parent and if her mother cannot do that then you are in a reasonable position to help. She deserves to be FULLY and HONESTLY informed about the complexities of adoption as well as her other possible options before she makes a permanent decision.

I am sorry you feel stuck in the middle of this and I can see why you feel conflicted! Good luck and I hope everything works out for you and your friend's family!

littleJaina

Are you sure your friend is really feeling as jovial about it as she is trying to appear? Perhaps what she is really feeling is shame and terror and she's trying to make the best of what she feels is a bad situation.

I would not approach her with scorn, but you might want to approach her with "suggestions". Does she know that YOU are adopted? If so, share some of your experiences about being raised by your grandmother. She may be trying to act excited and happy around you because she fears that if she acts as scared and timid as she feels, you'll think she's saying that your family is not great and wonderful.

Maybe she's absolutely sick with the idea of starting all over with a baby again now. Maybe she's even MORE terrified of letting her 18-year-old irresponsible daughter perhaps do the things to her child that your child's biological mother did. Maybe all her bounciness and glee is just a cover.

I do think you should approach her with your concerns, but try not to do it in a confrontational condeming way. There's probably more going on under the surface than you think.

Emily D

I know I'm probably going to get TD for this, but whatever.

Your friend probably knows her child better than you do. Maybe the daughter doesn't want to parent. Maybe she just wants to live like a normal eighteen year old and go off to college and not have that much responsibility. I think before you can judge your friend for adopting her grandchild you need to know the whole story.

Lori A

I think the young girl might have emotional problems because of her mother and it ain't gonna stop any time soon if she surrenders her child to her.

I agree that the child should get out of that family. The 18 year old should find a way to get away from her self absorbed mother and raise her child. If she finds she can't hack motherhood, she can then consider surrendering her child.

BTW does the father have a place in this picture? He might be an interested party in raising this child, or his family might.

allchildrenareangels

Well my best friend has made two very big mistakes in her life. I knew it was a bad decision before she did it. I simply told her because, I love you I have to tell you what I think and I will say it once and never again. Then the decision is yours. I just need to know I told you what I think. Well in my friends case she was getting married. Both times it wasn't the right guy and they were too young. Anyway needless to say she is on her third marriage and finally happy.

My point I think you should do this to your friend. Tell her for your peace of mind you have to tell her how you feel because, you don't want her to make a mistake and that you will say it once and you will never say it again and you will support her decision. Then I would tell her exactly how you feel and honestly that is all you can do. She might get upset for a day or two but, she will be okay. At least you will know you have done every thing you can. Then it is up to your friend. Good luck.

Love,
Michelle

eXpecting #1 ((hope its a boy))

OMG thats horrible! i would tell the poor girl to run away from her mom as fast as she can!

She is mature enough (age-wise) to raise her own child. I would tell your friends daughter her mothers plan, before she even has the baby!

The baby will change the girls life, and mature her faster.

shirley n

I agree with yo about the grandma that what she wants and the kid that is pregnant should keep the baby herself and when she is having a hard time with the baby then she can ask her mother about it but its the child's turn to raise her baby because she is having it herself so there

Realtalk

I know you want to do what's right but you have to realize most mother's do know whats best some times. If she feels she is not yet responsible enough, a mother has to do what she has to do. Maybe it would be best because lets face it the girl is young and the baby will be put on your friend most of the time. I have someone in my family will emotional problems, trust me you don't want to hear some of my stories of what some parents do because a baby is around, or won't stop crying, or just sick .Think about it.

CathRun

She obviously didn't do okay. You just said the girl needs guidance. And she's unmarried and pregnant. That's doing okay?
They should get this baby out of that family and give it to someone else for a stable home and a chance at a good life. You think that she should have "a chance" to be abuse her baby the way you suspect your daughter's first mother did? Don't you think that early abuse had an influence on your daughter's early life?
I'm baaaaack.....LOL....and now I'm done.

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: