Should I tell my son about his birth parents??????

Brown Boy

yeah its better that you tell him rather he find out for himself it is much harder that way

PhilM

It's a difficult situation, to be sure, but if you don't tell him, he's likely to invent something to fill in the gaps. He will tell himself some sort of narrative to fill in the hole left by his adoption. It will of course affect him, how could it not? But not telling him could lead to resentment if he later discovers you knew something but didn't tell him. It's a trauma that he will be dealing with, maybe for a long time. Your support can help blunt it, but he should know whatever information you have.

Aliana

I think you should tell him the truth. Don't hide anything from him because you may always have that guilt like you wished you did tell him why you adopted him. When he's an adult or old enough to understand then you should tell him everything. He will understand. Best of luck to you! You and your husband sound like great parents :)

Anastasia

Be completely open and honest with him about everything. If you hide things or just don't say them then it looks like you have something to hide. If he really wants to find out then he will and when he does he will wonder why you kept it from him. Don't be affraid to tell him when he is an adult about the things that happened that resulted in him and his siblings being taken to better homes. It's not your fault those things happened but if your going to tell him he's adopted of course he's going to ask "why". Why as in what happened to his birth parents or what did they do. Your a loving family now and telling him all the details when he is older will not lower his self worth.

Mi H

TELL,HIM EVERYTHING HE NEEDS 2 KNOW.DONT HOLD BACK A THING.I GAVE MY TWINS UP AND THEY HATE THEIR PARENTS WHO ADOPTED THEM CAUSE THEY NEVER TOLD THEM THE TRUTH.ABOUT ANYTHING AND WHEN THEY DID THEY FOUND IT WAS ALL LIES.

snowbunny360

I have MAJOR Advice to you: But first Congratulations!! [ you sound like a AWSOME MOM!] First of all ALWAYS tell him he is adopted. since if you Truly are a good mom know this: YOUR BOY NEEDS TO KNOW WHERE HE CAME FROM . WHY? NOT BECAUSE KNOWING ABOUT THOSE PEOPLE ARE IMPORTANT BUT BECAUSE HE NEEDS TO IDETIFY WITH HIMSELF ( Facial features ect..) Anywho As far as his Birth parents go when he gets older and HE starts the questioning , then let it flow NATURALLY CONCERNING HIS QUESTIONS. WHATEVER HE ASKS YOU , JUST ANSWER HIM HONESTLY . Teenagers get pretty persistent about things . You will know what to say and what not to. My best advice? ANSWER WHATEVER HE WANTS BAD TO KNOW. JUST BE GENTLE OKAY? Note: It will NOT lower his "self-worth" because he has YOU.

Rosie B

Wow! you go girl! I always admire people that can take in others children and love them as if they were their own. Not everybody can do this! You obviously want was is best for your little boy and being honest about his adoption is a great starting place. Of course he is going to ask questions and as his siblings grow they will too. Maybe you need to talk to the other parents and decide how to handle this sensitive issue together. It would be no good if his siblings were told all the terrible details if you chose to protect your son, but he found out through them anyway.

Of course, you could say his parents had problems and was not able to care for them. I believe that when the time comes you will know your son well enough to know what to say. I also believe honesty is best, but timing is so important. The main thing right now is that you love him and provide a secure place in this world - and you are obviously doing that! So, relax, chill out and enjoy this beautiful boy and God bless you all.

junjun

I think, you must tell him the truth already while he is young, and tell him the whole story if he can understand already, for now when he is still very young, tell the truth that he is and adopted son of yours, but when he can understand already, epxlain to him the whole things, like not to hate his parents, to accept the fact of his adoption and his family background. But just treat him really like your own son....tell him little by little along the process of his growing up, dont wait for the perfect time to tell him everything, it will be a big blow on him...we cannot tell how would he react on that then, so it's good to start telling him the parcel of truth now, then do it constantly and gently, just like the way you raise him up...Dont wait for the time that he'll know that from the other people...Tell him that his being an adopted son is no less than being a blood son...

wgar88

If he has a relationship with his siblings, he should know because they will have some memories of it and may say something. I don't think it will lower his self-worth, if you raise him to know that he has overcome what he was born into. Good luck and congratulations!

butterflymia02

My inlaws have 3 adopted children..they're all blood related. The two girls were old enough to remember their birth parents, but the youngest has no memory of them what-so-ever. But he knows that he's adopted and he's perfectly fine with it. He's known his whole life and it's never been a concern. The kids were 3-2 (years)and 4 months old when they were adopted out and now they're 15,14 and 12 years old. I'd let him know right away..you don't want him to have trust issues with you guys later.

Joy M

I think you should stay as neutral as possible, let the file speak for itself, he will need to take it small bits, don't lie, but don't reveal too much, it will damage how he sees himself, your respect and discretion will make him feel more secure in your love.

Good Luck

Mary G

First of all this baby was not abused in the manner his siblings were. Or at least that is what I got from your question. So no need to go into any painful details of if or how the child was abused. That is a good, good thing. No child deserves to be abused. I believe that you keeping the siblings in touch is a wondeful thing, we all need the genetic mirroring we get from siblings/family. Now the hard part, to tell or not. In my opinion when the child starts asking questions, you need to give age approrpiate answers. Someday he will want to know all the details, perhaps sooner than you would like, but he will want to know. As a parent it is your duty to be as honest as you can be without being hurtful. His older siblings may very well (well they will IMO) have those memories and tell him themselves. It should not make him feel as if he came from bad people if done in the right way. He may well need some therapy and I also think you would benefit from therapy as well. Being prepared for any eventuality is a good thing. You must remember that all children want to know where and who they came from. Even the not so nice parts, our children adopted or not deserve those answers. Also waiting for him to be an "adult" is maybe not the best thing, as I said when he asks you give him age appropriate answers. Who knows someday his mother may come looking and may have gotten help for her problems, the father too. If that were the case I would hope you would be open to your son having a relationship with them, and to be able to do so without fear. No fear because your son will be prepared for this if you do it the right way.

fiona

what i would do i would tell him the truth but i would also see if i can get the notes from dcf so that he could read in his own time and it would tell him everything he needs to know . He wont think he has come from bad people because you are his parents and you will be the one he will always look upto and admire. But i defiantly think that honesty is the best policy

banditqueen1980

You will know how much to tell him when the time is right. Don't sugar coat anything but don't be to harsh either. He may also get told some stuff from his siblings. I am sure he will have plenty of questions about everything that had happened and how he ended up being with you guys. Good luck : - )

Fardreamer

obviously if you keep in touch with his siblings he knows he's been adopted so I think its logical that one day he asks why he was put in foster care, and when that day comes make sure to tell him the truth, you don't have to go into detail but he should know what happened to him and his brothers and sisters. I wouldn't worry about him maybe feeling bad about himself because of this, just make sure to let him know that just because his birth parents did bad things doesn't mean he will. nature vs nurture

Heather J

The best part about this is that you have tons of time to figure out how and what you are going to tell your little one. I'm sure you are going to raise him in a way that he will value his self worth and so, when he is old enough, he should be able to understand that just because his parents were irresponsible does not mean that he is irresponsible. He is a totally different person. I think you should plan on being completely honest with him, as he gains the proper maturity.

SuperVibrationalEscrow

Nooooo do not say how bad it was. Why on earth would you do that. You can say they were not able to care for him. Or you might tell him that they had problems that made it hard to care for their children. Think of a way that you can say it was for the best, but totally do NOT tell him they were crazy abusive people. It will not help him.

Staci

I think it is great that you keep in touch with his siblings and their adoptive parents. As far as telling the child about his parents. I would say yes tell him, but only when he is ready. I would definitely wait until he is older. When telling a child about things like that timing is everything.

I don't think it will make him feel like he has lower self worth because he knows that someone who would love him unconditionally and take care of him right wanted him. If it were me i would feel grateful.

Good Luck. Hope this helps

Jayne D

Speaking from first hand experience the best thing you can do for your child is to tell him the truth from the beginning and at any time that he asks questions.

I know it will be very hard at times but in the end he will appreciate it and it will bring you even more closer together.

celticlady

I think the answer to your question will come when your son reaches the age you would tell him the facts concerning his adoption. It would depend on his emotional and psychological maturity and this is something only you will be able to judge. Even though very mature in his outlook it might present him with a lot of "baggage" to sort through. I don't know as I would say anything about the abuse unless he heard it from another source and asked me about it. If asked why you never told him tell him truthfully that you knew his parents had problems but didn't know if the details would hurt him. You will have to follow his lead as far as how much to disclose.

Angela E

does he have an adoption file with all this information in it?

If he does, I would give him that when he is old enough to understand. After all, his file is a part of his history and he deserves to have it. Or at least a copy of it.

In the meantime, I would just let him know that he was adopted and that his b parents were not able to care for him and his siblings.

Personally, I would have been incredibly hurt if my adoptive parents said anything negative about my birth parents. Truth or not. Let the papers speak for themselves.

Also there is a chance that the sibling might remember and tell him too.

k_sams2102

i think you should tell him everything!!!! And he should know how bad things where cause if he dont then he will never truly understand why he was taken at birth. And you should keep in touch with his siblings. I was adopted at birth and when i was 10 they finally told me that i had a brother and that just made me hate my parents for not telling me that he was there and for not letting me grow up with him. So i diffently think that you should be completely honest with this child.

Minnimouse

I was abused when I was adopted out to a home, and i was taken away into a foster home. My parents didnt tell me but I found out by reading my dads diary (I was desperate to find answers). This was bad, I was angry, resentful. I actually didnt care that I was abused, I cared more than my parents hid part of my own life from me. Like that piece of my life was insignificant or meaningless.

It is hard to tell, I would start off by saying, you parents didnt keep you because they didn't treat you and your siblings very well perhaps when he is about 7-9, , then leave it for a little while and wait till he asks about it If he doesnt talk to him about it again and tell him everything. Funnily enough I new about my foster brother's bad upbringing when I was 7 and I was able to take it well. It depends on him as a child.

Lisa B

I would wait until he's old enough to understand. The older children will eventually tell him something. Just make sure he can come to you with any questions or arrange a time to talk about this issue with all the sibs present. As long as he knows you love him, the past will be the past. This comes from experience as I am an adoptive mommy too. My daughter was the one from the abusive home. She started asking questions when she was 5. Keep it simple until she is old enough.

Crystal C

i think that u should tell him that he was adopted but dnt be 2 detailed about da abuse bc when he gets older he is going 2 feel bad that u denied this 2 him trust me i know how it feels my parent never told me i just found out on my own and then when i confronted them they denied untill recently my mother confirmed it

KiRby

i think he has a right to know about his birth parents. don't sugar coat anything but don't bad mouth his parents.

~**~nikki-y~**~

he has the right to know about his birth parents.
when u tell him he should probubly be a bout 5 so hell understand and wont hate u for not telling him sooner!

beeboppergirl

Later on down the line I would be completely honest with him but please keep in mind that one day he may want to find the answers himself. That's normal for adoptees. If you keep in touch with his siblings (which I highly advise) they may tell him what they experienced (espcially the oldest).

Please be aware that your son will probably ask questions before adulthood. Kids don't understand complexity so keeping it simple mixed with lots of love and understanding is best when they're small.

sweetie_baby

I think you will know when he is older. Once he is an adult, you will know how much he can handle, and if he really even wants to know. I dont think its anything for you to worry about right now. Just do what feels right then.

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