Should a mentally challenged mother be persuaded to give her child up for adoption?

I have adopted my step daughter. I did so due to her mother neglecting her.

However, when her birth mother became pregnant, both her mother and her boyfriend's mother (now my MIL) tried to convince her to give the baby up for adoption.

They said that because the birth mother is mildly mentally retarded she should not be allowed to raise the baby on her own. She and the baby's father (who is now my husband but wasn't then), were no longer together and no one thought she could handle a baby.

Her mother lives in another state and washed her hands of the whole situation. My MIL repeatedly told her how she could never raise a child and was constantly telling her that she would call CPS on her after the baby was born.

When the baby was born, my MIL took the baby from the hospital (after badgering the birth mother) and agreed to let the birth mom stay with her for a week or so.

During this week, the birth mother was not allowed to feed, bathe or diaper the baby. She was only allowed to hold her when the grandmother said she could.

Due to her mental disability, the birth mom didn't feel she had the right to speak up for herself.

Eventually she did proove that she couldn't handle being a mother to her child and she willingly gave custody to the father. After he and I were married, she asked me if I would adopt the baby.

She and I have a good relationship and she was afraid that if something happened to my husband, my MIL would get the baby and she would never be allowed to see her again. Plus I think she was worried that she might not be able to pay child support that the court ordered.

What bothers me, is that before she had a chance to proove or disproove herself, people were putting it into her head that she was an unfit mother and should give her baby up for adoption. Am I alone in thinking this is terrible? Do you think a mildly mentally retarded mother should be pressured into giving up her child?

Additional Details
ETA: The birth mother in this case had no support from her mother (who had been abusive to her) or the baby's father (my hubby dropped the ball I hate to say) or from his family. Everyone was against her.

She is now married to a man who is also mentally challenged and they are talking about having a baby of their own.

I have told her that if/when she has a baby, I will be there to help her learn to be a good parent as much as possible and have already suggested parenting classes for both of them.

My MIL insists that not only should she have given her first child up for adoption, but that she should also have been sterilized.

Mentally I would say she is around 13 to 15 years of age and has held down a factory job for 8 months as well as managed her finances somewhat (she bounced a few checks)

Looney Tunes

I had TWO CASA cases involving bio-mothers with mild retardation and Down Syndrome. In both cases, the bio-mothers wanted the children but needed assistance. They tried the best they could and it was not good enough, so CPS was called (and hence me as CASA)

In both cases, the bio-mothers were given the children back after the case plans were worked.
In one case, the bio-mother agreed to live in a group home for people with Down Syndrome. So the bio-mother was given help with lots of parenting classes and a place to live where she could get help from others. Some of her parenting classes focused on things like having a schedule with what needed to be done, etc. Visual things so that the bio-mother could see and do.

In the second case, the bio-mother with mental retardation was also given lots of parenting classes and also continued involvement with social services. Eventually, her family got involved and she moved home and the baby had a family of bio-mother and bio-grandparents.

In both cases, the mothers meant no harm to their children. They simply lacked the capacity to do everything that was needed. With additional help, they succeeded. But, I don't think every case has the same outcomes. There are times that I have seen (other CASA cases) that the children were removed because the mentally retarded bio-parents could not care for the child.

It is not a black-white issue. It depends on the level of disability and the support....

Possum

No mother should be forced to give away their child - if there is no actual proven physical harm present.
Why could someone not help this women parent - instead of deeming her unfit - and taking away her child???
So - the mother and child must suffer - because others say that it should be so????

Too may people are too happy to take children away from their mothers without first trying to help the mother to parent.

Hailz

I agree with you, it is terrible!
No mother should be made to feel that way

vetta

I think that it really depends on the specific mental condition.

Of course, the main goal is the child's safety.I think that as long as the parent could safely provide for the child, the child should stay with him/her.

Rowan

that's so horrible. I am so glad you are not shutting this woman out of her daughter's life.
To answer your question, no, i don;t believe all women who have disabilities should lose their children. Some of them are quite capable of caring for their children, despite their handicaps. However, in some cases, they cannot even care for their own needs.
God, this is such a hard question. I think everyone should have the chance to raise their own child, if they want to. But then, if they really can't, they should do what's best for the child.
It is terrible that she wasn't even given a chance to parent. Maybe that contributed to her mindset. Thats so sad.

Crucio

If a parent with some mental handicaps is able to care for a child with a bit of support then they should be able to. Or they should at least be given the chance to try and parent with perhaps some visitation by someone from the state.

anelas87

She could probably raise her baby with some help. It actually gets trickier as they get older and the child develops more skills/abilities then the parent. Its a very complex issue.

This reminds me of "I am Sam" the movie w/ Sean Penn. It was am amazing story of a mentally challenged man raising his little girl. Seemed very realistic. He was able to handle her as a baby, but at like 7 or 8 she surpassed him mentally and the State stepped in.

Its a great movie you should see it. Only movie that really made me and everyone in the audience cry.

Funny, when the lights came on there was this giant black guy, had to be 6' 7 - 6'9' and looked like the NY Giants Line Backer at the time - maybe he was; I live in NJ LOL who was sitting right behind me and balling his eyes out, asked me for a tissue. Its worth a watch.

And, reading your post, I think you are probably one of the most amazing, caring, loving women I have ever read about...wow! You can pretty much do anything from this point on and you still have a special place in heaven. Good luck with everything...you're amazing.

Gaia Raain

Your MIL makes me sick. We'd be having some words, for sure.

She needs support, big time. She can be a good mom, with support. Talk to her about finding a community she can live in and get help. In my home town, there is an apartment complex for mentally challenged people. Everyone helps each other, and they have a staff who helps them out. There are also group homes and other places where she can get the help she needs.

It's great that you're willing to help her. She'll need your help at first in getting more support, so that she's got more than just one person to get help from. She should have easily-accessible help 24/7. But no one should be taking her children from her. That's just wrong.

Maureen S

NEVER! What a terrible situation for that poor girl to be in. Many times, women who are mentally challenged make wonderful, loving, caring mothers. There are always options to assist her, surely.

What a very special person you must be. You are an Angel in disguise. The only thing you can do now, is the best that you can do, for her and for yourself and the little girl. How lucky, is that child to have you all in her life now.

Forget what happened in the past, it cannot be changed and maybe, just maybe, all this happened so that you, the mother and your husband and the child, could bond together in unconditional love.

We must try to live in the present moment, and not think of the past or the future.. If we do either, we miss that present moment, don't we!

Peace and love,

Nameless

I think if your going to use adoption it needs be a choice after considering all your options. It should never be cocered or forced.

Keep in mind you weren't there. You don't know for sure what happened. You can't undo what has been done. Just decide what you want to do. You could end up being the one paying child support.
If she truly is mild MR, child support would not be granted to the father by the court so something's not right here. You don't know all the facts.

pennylanegal

I think raising a child for someone who is not mentally challenged is hard enough. I dont think I would want to experiment with a baby's life and see if a mentally retarded person could do a good job of raising the baby. Giving the baby up is what is best for the baby and the mother.

crazychickizback

well...it IS in the babie's best interest to be adopted

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