Should adoptive parents feel responsible if their adopted child feels they have "holes" in their lives?

Mei-Ling

No.

Quite the contrary, it is only their responsibility to do the best job at loving and parenting that they can, and to acknowledge that they cannot "fix" every emotional problem that their child may or may not have.

monkeykitty83

No one is responsible for another person's feelings. Adoptees have lost their biological family, and it's understandable and normal to grieve that-- and there's really nothing adoptive parents can do about that. People will feel what they feel, and for adoptive parents to try to "prevent" their children from having certain feelings would actually be really controlling and manipulative.

That said, adoptive parents DO need to be sensitive to those feelings. By not acknowledging the loss, they can make the pain worse. Adoptive parents need to work hard to be a healing influence, not an influence that causes further pain or damage.

I don't think adoptive parents should feel guilty or try to assign themselves "fault" for adoption loss... to do so is actually really dismissive to adoptees, as though they couldn't have feelings that are separate from the actions of their parents. Adoptees' feelings are their own. But adoptive parents can make things worse, so they need to be careful not to belittle or invalidate their children's genuine loss.

SJM

Should they feel responsible? Not necessarily.

It is completely unrealistic for anyone to assume that if an AP performs the proper degree of brainwashing, the child is guaranteed to feel no loss. IMO, that's what the other posts were suggesting.

If the AP's are intentionally withholding information that could help to fill the holes, and they're doing so for their own benefit, then yes, they bear some of the responsibility. But it is entirely possible to be a fantastic parent to an adopted child, and the child still feel a loss. They experienced the loss before the ap's became their parents. The loss has nothing to do with the ap's. It is a completely separate issue that exists outside their relationship to their adoptive parents.

Cam

I think APs have the responsibility to be supportive and embrace their adopted child for who he/she is. Holes and all.

Not Adopted

No, I don't think it is necessarily the APs fault if an adopted child feels this way. Many adoptees state things like this, and they point out that it is due to the nature of adoption itself, not a result of the parents actions.

However, I do think the parents could make it worse by not validating the child's feelings or for making them feel guilty for expressing their feelings. The adoptive parents can do a lot to help a child work through these issues, but they can't provide a magic cure that will make everything better.

It's just something everyone needs to be aware of. We must allow children to express their true feelings without judgment or attempts to tell them how they "should" feel about adoption.

Opedial

I agree that I did not cause the holes, but I will be responsible for helping my children heal from them.

chazas

Generally, no. A good adoptive parent will listen and understand when their child expresses feelings like this. However, they would be at fault if they try to convince their child that these feelings aren't normal, that they should be surpressed, that the adoptive family is all that the child needs or will ever need.

Mom to Foster Children

My sons holes are a direct result from what his parents did to him = leave him in foster care for almost 5 years while doing whatever it is they were doing as it wasn't working their case plan. I hold his feelings very close to my heart and we talk about them often. He understands that he lives with us because it was their fault not his.

Mo~Ma

No, you are doing the best you can. The holes were created by the biological parents giving them up for whatever reason they had. All you can do is reassure them they are loved and you will help them try to fill the 'holes'.

JoHn S.

It would depend on whether or not they were/are lousy parents. And, just as I would not assume a biological mother did drugs if their child was relinquished, I also won't assume an adoptive parent is a bad parent if their child has a tormented soul.

TX Mom

I can see where an adoptee feels holely because there is a whole nother family out there, that she knows nothing about. Who are they? Why did they give her away? Are they hostile or congenial?

You are not responsible for the actions of your daughter's bio parents. They made their own decisions. And you raised her and loved her, and the bio parents had nothing to do with it. You both did your part.

Don't worry. Your daughter knows how much you love her and that she can always come back to the nest for comfort.

TX Mom

sizesmith

I pray that my adopted son doesn't feel this way. There are things I can't change, like the fact that his first mom chooses to shut the door on open adoption. It's my job to support him through this, provide him with as much information as I can to make the healing as easy as possible, and to love him unconditionally, and be as honest, without inflicting hurt, as I can about his adoption.

We have the A word as very open in our family, and every day, I tell all the kids around me how lucky I am to have them in my life.

The real problems begin when a child has holes, and the AP's build a dam to prevent them going into the holes and finding out their past, I believe.

cantstopLinnyG

I don't think should feel responsible if they did everything they could to help their child cope.

While I agree with you that is "not their fault their adopted child describes him/herself as being "full of holes", but it IS your responsibility to help them in every way you can. It IS your job.

If you help them with therapy, by never making them feel guilty for wanting to know, for missing, or for loving and searching their first family, then that's awesome. But if you say things like "it's not my job...." well, that's a little insensitive, in my opinion.

You do seem a bit defensive. My a Mom gets that way sometimes, too. It's hard to undo a lifetime of thinking. She was taught if she loved me enough, I wouldn't "have a hole in my soul". That's a lot of pressure they put on our parents. No amount of love can take away the pain...but it can make it easier.

Independ"ant"

It would depend on the situation around the adoption and how the child is being raised/treated.

In general the past is not the Aps fault.....however.....how would anyone expect a child not to hold an Ap partially accountable if they were ignoring human rights organizations telling them about widespread atrocities happening while they were on their mission to get a child. Would you expect an adoptee who was conceived due to organized raping of girls not to be upset at an Ap since if they were one of thousands demanding healthy babies and giving these criminals money.

Persnickety Snack

The person who said that is also and adoptive parent, and she thinks that she si right about everything. In other words, if you're not doing it her way, you're doing it the wrong way. Bow to her, she is the queen. Read my lips folks, this is what happens when you think you can control the universe. I'm pretty sure you can't control your kid's feelings, but you sure can drive them away by acting like you're god or something.

Now, back to reality, a person who lost their family is going to feel loss. Hopefully their aprents will have a teeny bit of insight into their feelings and won't be so dismissive. Sounds like you're doing a good job. At least you're open to learning. Now to just get past that hump that not everything that sounds like an attack is about you...you learn a lot more when you put your defenses down.

No, I saw some of your answers as defensive. I think this question is an attemtpt to learn, and that's great.

Rabbit383

No. That is way off base.
People look for answers any place but the Truth.
(To my faith, only God can fill "holes" like these, especially when it comes to identity...if we aren't following the One who made us in His very image, then we have gotten away from the starting place of finding our own true identity in Him to begin with.)

On another note though, one of my closests friends of 22 years is adopted. His parents (APs but he doesn't call them that) chose him when he was still in the womb and have always been honest to answer any questions he has but also they have treated him no different [in loving him, providing for him, guiding him, etc] than his brother who is their biological child. They are a close family and he said he would never say that. It's not true. We share the same faith, but he and I both have had times [and I'm sure there will be more] when we have questions and feel "holes" are there when we need answers and clarity about our own lives. But it's always back to Who we know can fufill our lives for the Truth and not blame another person who could never solve the tough questions with human reasoning alone.

There's always bad parenting you hear of on both AP and BP sides, but there's also just as many if not more "follow up" stories of those children who were raised badly but came away from it stronger and made something of themselves inspite of it. Excuses only take you so far.

I agree with you.

gibberish

No, it is not the parents fault!! The parents should be commended for taking on a child to raise. It is societies fault for putting such emphasis on GENETICS obove NURTURING/

Don't regret your eternity

I think it would only be the AP's fault if they didn't have their child in Sunday School or Church where the "family" could be explained to them by a loving teacher or Pastor.

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: