Should an adoption of a child who is obviously afraid of going with a PAP continue?

Gaia Raain

OMG. Ok, see this is what scares me about our adoption in particular. Most of the kids we put in our homestudy for are plenty old enough to know who their caregivers are, and they are also plenty old enough to have started processing the fact that they've already lost one caregiver (the one who cared for him/her for nine months). These poor kids are traumatized enough already. Is there any good way to tear a kid away from the only family s/he knows?

(Not saying this woman needed to take this child, or that this child needed to be taken...just that when it does happen, I can't think of a single good way to move a kid from one set of caregivers to another without traumatizing them. I don't even know if it's possible. Reminds me of Anastasia's story about hanging on the door screaming when she was 2 years old because she felt abandoned - AGAIN...you can't tell me a child whose age is still determined in months isn't aware enough to know these things.)

Kassy

A child should absolutely have a say. If the woman was committed to the adoption then she should have called her husband (why wasn't he there as well?) and said she was staying on indefinitely. If she could build a relationship with the child, fine. If not it seems rather barbaric to hand the poor child over to someone she's scared of.

Children old enough to express their feelings should be listened to. (Not to say that infants are unimportant. I just don't honestly know how infant adoption should work).

Linny G

Your question set off a trigger of sorts in me. I imagine myself as a baby, who went to 2 different foster homes before being placed with my a p's @ 5 months of age.
My A mom said I did nothing but scream til I was around a year.....ya think????
My brain doesn't even let me think of how confusing it must have been for me as a baby....
Sorry- I have no answer.

celtic.piskie

Never !

If a child is old enough to make their wishes knows, then there is no way that the child shouldn't have veto on the people who adopt them.

If the child is having a tantrum, that's just different lol.

If a child honestly doesn't want it, then there is no way that they should go with them.

That's just horrendous, and I couldn't have watched that.

Just a Mom

This reminded me of being a foster parent and having to tear the kids away at the end of the visits (at first). I hated it and felt like the devil.

Shannon T

This just upsets me so much. I don't understand how someone could consider themselves "good parents" when they don't even have the decency to care about the child's adjustment and develop a relationship before hauling them off!! And to proclaim", I'M gonna be your new mommy" just says in my opinion," I am making the decisions, your paid for and your feelings about that mean absolutely zip". Let's go home so that you can commence to behaving like you love me and be grateful that I took you in!" Man this upsets me. I can't began to understand where some people get off. How can these folks only be concerned about their own need to "build a family and not at all about the voice of these kids???? OOhh!!!

Not Adopted

Wow, if the baby is that unhappy with the "new mommy" now, just imagine what will happen when the teen years roll around.

sweetjane

This i what I find so odd/concerning about most international adoptions. In foster care adoptions, the child is repeatedly visited by the AP's at his own home (foster home). The 'switch' doesn't take place until the child is ready and comfortable.....or that is the goal. Our child was fairly young, so it took only a week, but with older children, our worker said that they will often meet with teens and preteens for weeks or months.....to form a bond with the child BEFORE removing him from his home. I can't imagine how traumatizing it must be to be uprooted from your home, the only 'family' you know, and being sent overseas to an entirely different part of the world, with a different culture, language, and with strangers as your guardians.......all in the span of a couple of days in most cases. Truly sad! Personally, even IF I was allowed to do such a thing, I would obviously see that 'my' child was in pain and fear and wait it out for as long as it took to make her feel comfortable.
<<Foster mommy

Rowan

Wow, i agree, the adoption should have been stalled until the child was a little more comfortable with her adoptive mom. at 18 months old, the poor thing was probably scared to death. I would want to know why she was screaming around this woman.

Bear in mind, TV shows are edited for dramatic purposes, even shows like that. There is always footage not seen.

Also, how do you know this woman was infertile due to lifestyle choices? Was it mentioned in the show??

ETA: i've looked pcos and seems to be obesity is caused by PCOS not the other way around. Not all people are overweight because they cant stop eating. I myself, have struggled with weight all my life..i have a slow metabolism, and i might also be diabetic, those are all factors in weight gain.

Indian-vision

I think its imperative to get the child comfortable with the new parents and the child/ infant be willing to go with them.

My friend (from the U.S) adopted from an Indian orphanage. In her process, she spent many meetings within the confines of the orphanage where she would leave at the end of the day. This child never smiled or spoke and just quietly went to any one and every one like resigned to her fate. She was about 18 months too. In her photos she looked so sad, it was heart breaking. They kept meeting her in her own enviorment for 2-3 months. Ofcourse my friend had the luxury of the country being her own and so she stayed with her parents during that period. Only after this child was so comfortable with her that she started to smile and try and talk that she took her home and started to foster her. After another 3 months of fostering in India it self she completed all adoption formalities and flew back to the U.S her adopted home. This child is a very happy baby from what i see in her photos.

So yes, adoptive parents should attempt to bond first with the child before taking them away from what the child is familiar. As for should the "adoption continue?" If the child is old enough to talk and is not comfortable. NO !! If this is an infant and continues to show no attachment, it should be relooked at. But the orphanage should have told the PAP's to first make this kid comfortable and foster for a few months like they do in India.

friends R gifts we give ourself

kids are pretty good judge of characters so i think if the child doesn't like the PAP then no they shouldn't have to go. it's not fair to them.

Angela R

I remember watching that episode, and while the little girl didn't want to go to her at first, she did warm up to her over time, and after a few days seemed very comfortable with her adoptive mother. Toddlers are often nervous or scared of strangers, especially when they spend most of there time in an orphanage, and don't go out and see a lot of new people. (also there were camera men and probably other new "scary" people around too.) My youngest just turned 2, and I know if I tried to hand him to a complete stranger, with a lot of other strangers standing around, he'd freak out too- it doesn't mean he doesn't "like" them, it means he doesn't KNOW them.
That's why many countries require the parents to meet with the children and get comfortable before they take costudy of the child, I think in this case the mother stayed right there for several days with the child.

I also don't quite understand what the adoptive mother's infertility or weight has to do with your question. So are you saying it would be okay for someone to immediately carry their adoptive child away kicking and screaming as long as they were thin, fertile, and adopting from fostercare?

Meri

I saw that one, and was initially traumatized, but if you watch the other episodes in different orphanages, usually they don't just hand the kid off like that. They usually have the kid in a familiar area, and the parents come and sit with the child, gently engage the child in play, and slowly gain her or his trust. The orphanage handed the child off as if it were a sack of potatoes, with no though whatsoever about the child's feelings. I was disgusted by that.

Did you finish the episode? The child seemed to have bonded quite well in the family. Children are resilient, but I still think the orphanage handled the situation very, very badly.

allchildrenareangels

I don't want I feel about this. What would the childs other option be stay in an orphanage? I think in the long run that might be a decision she wishes she hadn't made. At that age I think adoption is scary. They are old enough to know their life is changing but, not old enough to understand. A lot of children that have been in bad situation have detachment disorders. Unfortunately when they are first adopted it takes a lot of love, and understanding and patience. If a child that age stays in the orphanage things won't get better. Probably the best thing for a child in that situation would be to have a family that loves them unconditionally. The family would have to have a lot of patience and understanding. It might take a year or two for them to be comfortable.

Love,
Michelle

Wundt

First, I would like to say I didn't see the show and so cannot judge just based on your description. But also, really, I don't think anyone should judge just from a TV show. Shows are viewed through the eyes of the director/producer of the show, and they choose to show certain things and not others in an effort to make the show more interesting.

Second, I don't think you can really judge anything by the child crying. The child was reacting to the situation being outside of what they know. A strange woman comes and says she is taking her away from her friends and everyone she knows, of course the child is going to react poorly. However, would the child be better off in the long run, growing up in a nice home, with good nutrition, good schools, and loving parents... most likely yes. I do think the child's point of view is important, and perhaps this PAP wasn't doing a very good job of making that connection, but that does not mean the child should be left in poverty and hopelessness because they didn't understand the situation and cried.

Let me tell you our story... when our older son was placed with us (at 2 years old) as a foster child he took much longer bond with my wife than he did with the rest of the family. He and I pretty quickly became close, but for weeks after the placement he would cry and run from my wife when she would try to talk to or play with him. It was very hard on her and she almost backed out of the adoption because of it. However, over time, they grew closter and now, two years later, you would never know that they had problem, he loves her deeply and is very happy in our home.

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