Should i adopt if i feel this way?

cantstopLinnyG

You're not offending anyone, you are being honest. But dont kid yourself- adoptees will ALWAYS think of their first parents as family, because they ARE. They are just as much their family as their adoptive family is.

Adoptive parents who recognize this fact are the parents who get it right. Adoptees have 2 families. One is visible, one is hidden. But there is love for both. Parents who deny this fact are doing their children a huge disservice, and it borders on child abuse in my opinion. An adoptive family's gain is another family's loss. No other way around it.

Have a child of your own, or adopt through foster care. Newborn adoption, closed adoption and International adoption is morally wrong in my opinion. Full of coercion, lies and too much money being handed over to baby brokers. Foster kids are the ONLY kids who truly need a home. Adoption is supposed to be about the child, NOT the parents.

Here are some links about adoption & how it affects the adoptee.

http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php
http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org
http://www.amfor.net/acs
http://www.youtube.com/user/adoptedthemovie
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/01/09/AR2009010903118.html
http://www.emediawire.com/releases/2004/4/emw117838.htm
http://www.foreignpolicy.com/story/cms.php?story_id=4508&page=0

Books:
The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier
Lost and Found: the Adoption Experience AND
Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness both by Betty Jean Lifton
The Adopted break Silence by Jean Paton
The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler
Adoption: Uncharted Waters,by David Kirschner
Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by David Brodzinsky
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Heather Leigh

I think the fact that you are honest about your feelings is a good start. Now you need to find a way to get past those feelings. Linny suggested alot of great resources for you to look into. If once you research adoption and still feel the same way then maybe adoption is not an option for you.

I used to feel the same way, unfortunately I didn't change my way of thinking until years after our adoption was finalized. If I would have researched it first it would have made things easier for my son and myself.

One thing I have learned is that there is nothing wrong with my son having more than just one family to love him. I sort of think of it as the relationship my bio kids have with their step parents. I wouldn't be a good parent if I didn't encourage them to have a relationship with them. This is how I think of my adopted son's other family. No matter what type of relationship he has with his other family it will never diminish the role I play in his life just like I could never take away the role his other family has. We are both very important to him and we all play an important role in the young man he is growing into.

Mei-Ling

"but i feel bad and selfish that i don't want them to think of their biological parents as family i'm just scared that if i adopt i'll push my kids away if i express this."

I sort of understand why you would feel that way.

But if you don't 'genuinely' feel a certain way - if you do it out of reluctant obligation as opposed to loving your children so much you will support them - YOUR CHILDREN WILL SENSE THAT.

Mom to Foster Children

After reading the first part of your question - before you read...etc... I knew what my answer was going to be - but after reading the entire thing - then NO you shouldn't adopt. They have two sets of parents and one of those sets were there long before you even knew them.

yeahright

It is ok to have fears and I RESPECT you to no end for exploring your fears and taking the reigns to look into that and inspect that. Just like people here give advice to a prospective mom thinking about relinquishing advice that says,"you feel and think this way NOW"--I will give you the same advice as one adoptive parent to a prospective adoptive parent and say this is how you think and feel now but you willl be GREATLY affected by the process and completely think differently about it as you jump into adoption.

When I was first thinking more seriously about adoption about 10 years ago I thought the same way about things--a little more timid with concepts and what things I felt comfortable with--as I educated myself some realizations quickly occured--and you are either comfortable with them or you aren't. I talked at length with several adoptees who are friends and realized fullly that I have to embrace that someone else would be giving birth to my children and that would never go away. That is a fact. If you are threatened by that--don't adopt. Your kids will know it as fact and every every time they look in the mirror they will see that as fact. My friend who had parents who hid info from her said she saw her "phantom" parents every time she looked in mirror and because there was so much mystery shrouded around it it fanned the flames of paranoid fear about her natural parents safety the closer to her teenaged years she got. She became distrustful of her adoptive parents because of the misinformation. She worried constantly her natural parents had died or how she was conceived etc. I'd feel that way if I was in their shoes. It is natural--and they need to actualize through that process with out shame or guilt trips. Thos are real feelings on the topic and if I ever make it about loyalty to me than I would be doing great harm to them (selfish). I would NOT be good parent if I didn't help them fulfil their desire for knowledge. I see that desire as a healthy reflection our parent/child relationship and something I signed up for the day we decided to adopt. Many ap's see "the search" as a verdict of "not being enough"--which is sad.

Good parents do everything in their power to help all of their kids be the self actualized people they should be.

monkeykitty83

You really shouldn't adopt.

I'm not mad at you for asking this or anything, but you're talking about how you would want your adopted child to THINK. Honestly, if you try to tell your child how to think, then yes, you will push them away. Whether or not the issue is adoption. Any child you raise will have a mind of his/her own, and attempting to get in the way of that is pretty controlling.

If you adopted, your child would share genetics and history with another family. It's a permanent connection. How much that matters to any given person varies, but you can't expect your child will completely ignore it.

I don't think you're a bad person, but you're being pretty unrealistic, and your desire is also inappropriately controlling. Unless you do some serious re-evaluation, I don't think you would be suitable to be an adoptive parent. Sorry.

Carol c

I appreciate your sincerity and genuine desire to do it right, if you adopt. But based on your current feelings it doesn't sound to me as if you totally understand the implications.

Of course they will think of their biological parents as family because they ARE family. You can't change that. An adopted child has two mothers and two fathers - that's reality.

It would backfire if you tried to tell them their first parents weren't really family. All they have to do is read about adoption or talk to other adopted people and they will realize that you - their Mom who they thought they could trust, lied to them.

MamaKate

Every child has a heart big enough to love more than one person.
Families are made up of more than one person.
Every adopted person has two families.

When an adopted persons two families both love them, doesn't that make them ALL family?

Children have no problem loving or differentiating between multiple grandparents.

Children of divorce often have more than one set of parents. They don't seem confused about who they love or who is their Mom/Dad/Step-Mom/Step-Dad. Why is adoption so different?

Marriage makes two families one, so should adoption.
Adoption is supposed to be about what is BEST for the CHILD and no child has ever not benefited from some extra love and attention.

ETA: I'll even let you in on a little secret. There are lots of biological parents feel the same way about their children's APs on occasion too. It is easy to want to be the "only" in a child's life, but it isn't healthy for either the parents or the child and it is sometimes hard to let them "go". (There are even parents who freak about their kids liking their elementary school teachers too much.) Letting your child love someone besides yourself is healthy and allows your child to grow and have learn to have healthy relationships. Even when it is difficult (as parenting often is), the needs and benefits of the child should always be able to outweigh the desires of the parent. Sometimes a step back and a different perspective can help overcome the hardest parts...

HappyMomAnna

No you should keep living your life for awhile and learn more about how people actually connect with each other... If you cannot trust your children to love you as the person you are in their lives then---they can't trust you.

Yet.

We need to be whole before we become parents and we need to know we are whole before we adopt children.

red elephants

You cannot help the way you feel. We all have fears and insecurities and they present over different things.

I don't think feeling this way means you should never adopt, just that maybe you aren't ready for it quite yet.

Why would you want them to not think of their biological parents as family? Do you think they would replace you? That your kids would turn to their bio families for things they should come to you about? That they won't love you as much?

If you are worried about them not loving you as much or seeing you as mom think about grandparents. Most of us have multiple sets. You love both sets but in different ways and as family. You have plenty of love to go around to both sets but you just have different relationships with them. Thats kind of how I see birth parents/families.

There is no telling what kind of relationship, if any, your adopted child will want with their birth parents. Some do have a mother/child relationship of sorts, others like an aunt, others just a good friend/mentor.

I think that before you start the process of adopting you need to figure out why it would bother you so much and work on any issues surrounding that. If you have a therapist maybe bring this up as a topic to discuss. I don't think it makes you unfit to adopt it just makes you human and not quite ready.

shawnee

I think most ppl who adopt feel tht way, well atleast a little. We adopted a family members child. She was unable to care for him and we got him at 9 months old. She is no where to be found now but one day she will come around, I know I have to tell my son the truth and we will support him on his feelings, but I'm sure I will be devastated if he wanted to be with her after I was the one who rasied him etc........
Many children need a loving home, so if u can provide love and a good sense of family and morals for a child then I think u should adopt and you will find ur way thru ur feelings as times goes. Good Luck

Eggly

im glad that you would help them find their biological parents, but be careful because their parents might be weird or you need to know exactly why they ended up in that orphanage. I'm adopted and i cant find my real dad till im 18 and its very hard being in this situation. he or she may even be angry with their biological parents. so be supportive, be real, and be prepared. your child will always love you first, and they may or may not think of his or her biological parents as family. it was explained to me as a "heart mommy" and a "tummy mommy". my heart mommy raised me and supported me through life and my tummy mommy gave birth to me. its bitter, but when they are old you need to tell them, "your father doesnt love you" (in the harsh words of my heart mommy) you can be gentler with this. if you have a husband say explain the difference between a "father" and a "daddy": your father (like the tummy mommy) gave birth to you. your daddy loves you. many parents feel like you do, so be friends with your kids parents. plus there are plenty of good books for adopted children! i hope i helped! :D

Independ"ant"

Kids are not possessions nor commodities that come with an emotional on/off switch.

I don't think you should adopt.....there will always be the chance that they will "not" look at you as their "mother" but more like the caretaker.

It would be wrong on every level to project your emotional baggage onto them.

Tyff Taff

I am almost 100% sure that adoptive parents feel this way when their child gets older and asks about their parents. But let me tell you this as I was a child in the system.(I was never adopted though but knew many whom were) You children will be so happy and grateful that you went out of your way to take them in and teach them all they know and give them a good life that yes they may want to find their parents but you will always be their MOM. I hope this will make you feel better about your decision. Also there is no reason for you to feel bad about feeling like this.
Tyffannie

taiketsu/ showdown master

That's really nice. I think they'll respect you and admire you more if you tell them and help them find their real parents. And you can alwayzz visit them or let the parents visit you.

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