Should my husband adopt my kids even when his mom says no?

Lori A

Maybe, (and I do mean maybe) his mother is pointing out to him that since 911, Homeland Security had started paying much more attention to birth certificates. If he adopts your children, depending on where you live, their records such as original birth certificates will be sealed and an ammended certificate will be issued. Because your children are no longer babies and there is a difference between the time they were born and the time they were adopted it raises red flags. Did you know that there are other issues not in your childrens favor by doing a step parent adoption. Passports and voting privlidges are among those. I just read yesterday that an adoptee (which is what you kids wil be) can not vote in the state of Arizona if they can not produce an original birth certificate. I would check further into him adoting your children. Their records may be forever sealed and cause them problems down the line that might not be worth the aggrevation. If it's that important have their names changed legally. That can be done without repercussions.

Lillie

It's time to cut the cord.

IDK!!

" I f he isn't going to adopt them then they need to be able to have apart in their fathers families lives. I am at my ending point"

I am curious about this part....

If you can let them know their family then that's probably best for them. Even if he adopts them that doesn't mean they can't still be apart of their other families.

sunny

If having your kid adopted by your new husband was important to you, you married the wrong man.

He's a wimp. He can't even say he doesn't want to do it, he blames his mommy.

Just let your kids be. Maybe they'll want to meet their own father someday.

Ownership by adoption is overrated.

Ann Mary G

If he is that tied to his mother's apron strings, then I wouldn't let him adopt your children. She will influence everything he does in life...I know from experience. You will eventually get fed up with it. When we marry and have families of our own, we need to make them our family. You don't dump the family you are raised with, but you make a new life with your spouse and children.

Stacie

Does his mother have a problem with you? I can't imagine why it would bother her, or what business it is of hers. Your husbands loyalties should be to you and your kids - yours, his, and yours together. Explain to him that you want to know what is going to happen so you can make arrangements for them to visit their father's family. He needs to go to another lawyer than the one his mother works for. If he keeps dawdling, go ahead and make the necessary arrangements.

woodenhandle

Has he ever told you what she says to him?
Maybe she is just worried that he'll get tied down (I'm not saying that's what I think, just maybe what she is possibly thinking).
Try to talk it out with him and tell him how important it is to you.

Good luck

Jada Ye@ U @lready Kno

only if he really wants to his mom is jus looking out for him but wen he is convinced to do so tell him he needs to grow up nd make his own descions

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

why do you or he care what his MOTHER thinks?? eww.

TotalRecipeHound

It is my guess that dear old mom-in-law doesn't want ties to grandchildren that aren't hers biologically. And she's probably hoping that you will be history as well.

[edited to add] On rethinking, perhaps you should just end the effort now. Tell him to stop telling the kids anything. He's already lied to them because he has no intention of adopting them or he would have followed through. As you said, it was his idea in the first place. Waiting until the end of summer just implies an ultimatum and nobody should be forced to that in this instance. By removing the issue entirely, you can get on with your family life and do what you think is best.

katwaxr

U r being silly....if U , the kids & he both want 2 share the same last name...then share it... U can change it legally or not...w/o adoption...it is in the school paper work...legal name...name the child wants 2 use....I know...my daughter has her fathers last name... I have mine...we have considered hyphenating my new partners name....the fact that his mother wants 2 protect him from having 2 be financially responsible 4 your 2 children if you were 2 ever separate... I would get over it.

smm

what about the older children, isn't that a bit harsh? even if they know their fathers, still.

anyway, it might be kind of hard if his family isn't behind you. and i'm sure his mom is telling him to wait because she doesn't want him to be legally responsible for two children that aren't biologically his in the case you break up. harsh, but i imagine that's what she's thinking.

Tita

In a marriage, the mother in law is a zero to the left. That is her place, and SHE knows it! . She has no bussiness on making decisions for your family.
Your husband obviously has not let go on that "little boy attached to her skirt". Big man you found......anyway, you need to sit down with him and talk about this issue, you need to understand that by doing this, your kids will be legally his, they will carry thier last name and he is the father for ever....if he wants to, then why does he "check" with his mother? I understand she is the mother, but she should be worry and taking care of her house, not yours.
Don't call her names, because that only proofs a level that you don't belong to, be smart.
Give him an ultimatum, he is the one that needs to make this decision, you can not force him either.
You can also, change your kids's last name to yours. And if you decide to do this, and if he doesn't have a problem with it, then it's very clear that HIS intentions are very clear on not wanting to adopt legally your kids, otherwise he will go ahead and do the legal process for him to adopt them.
You decide what to do, but think from all angles. Don't even mention anything to the in-law, this is none of her business.
If she comes to you and try to bring the subject just tell her, very educated, that when you make decisions you would like them to be respected and not questioned, ask her to worry about her concerns...this one is yours.

CrazyCatLady

Do you know why she doesn't want him to adopt them? Have you asked your husband what the reason is? Maybe she doesn't want ties to you and your kids in case you divorce. You've only been married for a little over 2 years afterall. Maybe she doesn't like you because you cuss at her. She's not your mom but you need to give her more respect than that. She's your husbands mother! Regardless of what his mother says it's his decision to adopt them and if he is serious about it then he shouldn't let her stop him. It almost sounds like he is using his mother as an excuse and doesn't really want to adopt your kids and is afraid if he comes clean and tells you that you will be mad at him. I don't doubt that he loves your children as his own but make sure that your children truely want to be adopted by him. In fact I would wait until they asked him to adopt them before you go any further. The reason I say this is I was in a somewhat similar situation that your children are in. My biological father was a drug addict and was abusive to my mother. She got married to my step-dad (who is emotionally abusive and controlling) and I was raised by him. They both wanted him to adopt me and I agreed because I wanted to please my mom and was afraid my step-dad would be upset with me if I didn't. My biological father gave up his rights because he thought it would be best for me and wanted to honor my decision. I haven't seen my biological father since I was 8 but recently I have talked to him on the phone and he went to rehab and has been off drugs and alcohol for 2 years and is going to school to be an addictions counselor. See even though my biological father was a deadbeat I always loved him and I reget letting my step-dad adopt me.

I'm sure the situation is completely different with you. I hope your kids have a great relationship with their step-dad and wish for him to be their father. But make sure that they aren't just agreeing to let him adopt them to please you and that getting adopted is what they really want. They might regret it later.

Why are you pushing so hard for him to adopt them? It takes more than a last name to be someone's father. Why not just let him be their father and it's not really necessary for them to have his last name. Ask you kids if they want his last name.

little mama

He is an adult and is responsible for his own decisions. The problem isn't his mom, it's him. If he truly wants to adopt your children then he will despite what his mother tells him. Have a heart to heart with your husband and find out the REAL reason for his not adopting them. Then either work toward him adopting your children or find their biological fathers.

Jim M

Any lawyer is quickly going to point out the pros and cons:

Con: child support - a $50,000 or larger liability.

Pros:
1. involvement in kids lives - no - we can have it without legal adoption
2. taking kids to park - no - we can have it without legal adoption
3. ability to make medical decisions - no - we can have it with proper powers of attorney
4. taking kids upon your death - no - we can have it with a will ** Check with Social Security about the ramifications * there might be some * but they don't always pay. **
5. kids have his last name - no - you can change their name for a nominal fee. [ I agree that a name change before school starts would be appropriate. ]

I'd say your best bet is to not push it. And they should have a part in their fathers' families' lives in any event. [ Using their fathers' last names would help them stay connected to their families. ]

pea_nut_26

sounds like ur driving him away....
why are u cursing his mom?
you sound psycho..

Ted

You say you're not pushing the issue but the last few sentences of you question indicate otherwise.

Why are you in such as rush? Makes me wonder, especially no offense, given your background. I'm not judging, just pointing out facts so you understand where mom is coming from.

As far as you husband goes, he really needs to grow up and be his own man. He needs to stop asking for his mom's permission and start being your husband first and do what is right for his family.

Gail O

What's the Mother's problem I would confront her, as well as confront him.
He knew you had kids when he married you.
Ask yourself is he reliable?
He's letting the kids down by building their hopes up. He needs to grow up.

Starlight

You have no control over your husband's choice, but you do have control over yours.

First, tell your husband that he is to stop telling your children that he is going to adopt them. He obviously has hesitation so he needs to stop filling your children's minds with empty promises.

Secondly, if it is that easy for his mother to talk him out of it, he isn't that committed to the idea. Don't blame his mother, blame him.

Third, the most important concept for adoption of your children is that he would be their legal parent in the event of your divorce or death. Maybe he likes the idea of being dad while you guys are together.....but doesn't like the idea of being made to pay child support if you guys split up down the road....or if you were to die. Ask him what his misgivings are. Maybe there is a way to get around them and make him feel more comfortable.

â™¥ThruThick&Thinâ™¥

No offense but he needs to cut the umbilical cord with his Mother. If he can't make his own grown decisions then it will also affect the way he chooses to raise your kids if he adopts them, whatever his Mommy says he will listen to. I personally would wait until HE decides to detach himself like that so he proves himself mature enough to handle situations like this with just you. I would be honest with him and tell him this; I would say "Either you adopt my kids because you consider them your own and we do this as their parents together; OR; my kids will become part of their real dad's lives since you obviously don't care enough." Sorry but it is what it is. Sorry you are going through this.

Turtle Isle

remind him his vows say to foresake all others ..that means his mom!!

Jennifer L

I fail to see what any of this has to do with his mother. I hope this isn't an indicator of future marriage problems.

Good luck!

Candi

He needs to make up his mind NOW....he cant just keep telling the kids those things,and then not go through with it! So either he needs to ignore his mom,or he needs to stop feeding the kids with this i want to be your daddy stuff...

freemailjunk

Ask your husband if he would rather be living with you and your children or with his mom. She is probably worried that you will divorce him and make him pay child support on the children he adopted. If you are taking all his disposable income for child support, how is he going to care for her in her old age? She thinks she is more important than your children or your happiness.
Tell him if he doesn't want to adopt your children, that's just fine with you, to stop bringing it up if he is going to continue with the apron string choking out the idea. If you are going to get the kids involved with their fathers, there is always a chance that you will wind up back in love with one of them. I'm sure him mom would be great with that, because she could then have her baby boy all to herself. He won't get laid much living with her, but hey! Life is full of little trade offs! If he would rather keep a firm grip on the apron string, he may as well become a priest for all the s_x he will get. I wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole, even if he was single. There is NOTHING more repulsive than a man who doesn't have the stones to stand up to his mother in favor of the woman he supposedly loves.
I wish you luck. You need it!

jeselynn_81

what reason does his mom give? honestly.. you tow have been married for 2 1/2 years.. does she have something against you? the children.. they are innocent.. it is his idea to do this and then he calls her.. is he insecure about how he feels about you and them?

Im sorry but its time after 2 1/2 years that if he's gonna be a father to these children and a husband to you.. and he keeps telling you and them so.. that he does so.. tell him.. I hate to stir the water but he's an adult and if he cant trust his own judgment and is still calling his "MOMMY" to get approval or advice .. then explain to him that HE needs to tell them.. explain to the children he loves so much and has told so many times that he wont give them his name.. Tell him he cannot BS around it anymore.. you dont want to hear about it one more time.. there is no next time!

There is no reason his mom should have a reason to involve herself from a personal or professional p.o.v. in his adult family life. she is causing strife and since he insists on the change then backs down.. because of her.. his mom could even have her son sleeping on the couch for a while in my opinion.

Harper Q

i agree.
time to cut the cord.
you are his wife. if he already conciders them his children, what would be wrong with adoption? sounds like he's still being told what to do by mommy. i would personally tell him to man-up and do what he wants to do. not what his mother wants him to do.

drmlgpj

You and your hubby find your own laywer.then after the kids are adopted send his mom a happy grandmother's day card..Remember something ,it's not your last name that makes you who you are,but the people around you .It's you and your hubby not your last name.

sarah jane

You need to have a serious talk with him- because he is making a promise to your children and he isn't keeping it, and that is a huge deal. He needs to step up and honor his committments. This isn't his mom's fault, it's his fault. He doesn't have to listen to whatever he is saying- he is a grown man, he should do what he wants.

#2 due 12/21/08!

His mother should have nothing to do this! If he wants some answers to legal questions, have him find a lawyer that comes recommended. Ask your husband if he'd be willing to do this. Quite frankly, I think he needs to make a decision and stick with it. Oh, I have NO patience for meddling mother-in-laws! Good luck with all this. I hope your children get the father they sound like they deserve!

lovelysusan2208

It is none of his mother's business!!! She needs to back off and he needs to stop calling her for her approval. If it is something he wants to do then he needs to be a man and stand up to her and say like it or not this is what I want. If he is not going to do it then tell him to stop leading the kids on. They will be the ones hurt in the end if he does not stop telling them he wants them to have his last name and be his forever. I hope all works out well with you and your children! Good Luck and God Bless!

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