Should my husband give up his child for adoption?

Lisa

Your husband may have regrets for the rest of his life if he gives his child up for adoption. How can he make that determination without even seeing his son?

Adoption agreements are not enforcable by law. The adoptive family may make promises, but if they change their mind about visitation or openess, there is nothing that your husband can do. Frequently, openness is the proverbial carrot designed to lure you into adoption. Then you are left with empty arms and empty promises.

Your husband needs to protect his rights, and the rights of his child. Has he researched the affects of adoption on children? Has he talked to adoptees, other parents that have relinquished? Is he aware of the lifelong effects of relinquishment? Has he met the adoptive parents to give his own independent evaluation? This is a huge decision and should be thoroughly thought out.

WHY has your husband been contacted now....when this family has had the child for three years? This sounds fishy!

Your husband needs his own legal counsel before he makes any decision!! Tell him to talk to an attorney right away...and not an attorney that represents the state or the adoptive parents.

Thank you for sharing this. I know it must be difficult for you as a newlywed to hear that your husband fathered another child previously. My hat is off to you for putting whatever you may feel aside and putting the child first.

â™¥â™¥Ritaâ™¥â™¥

The caseworker is remiss in pushing for him to sign over his rights and is also trying to act like GAWD by saying he MAY have to pay back child support. He could go to court and get that tossed out. You cannot support what you don't know.....

Open adoptions are a load of bull and if he is HOPING to have some kind of contact upon the child being adopted by the foster parents then he best not place any bets on that...it may not ever happen.

I do understand him wanting the child to remain in the home he has known since birth..........BUT in the interest of Dad and Child, I can also tell you the foster parents could play a HUGE role in transitioning the child in to your and your husbands home and if this were done slowly and with ease.....then it would be LESS traumatic and especially if the foster parents were allowed to have a relationship with him.....of course that is my opinion and the Attachment Police will surely be thumbing my answer.....

Take care and best wishes in whatever the choice is.....

ETA;

If it were me, I would not give up my child, but I would ask the agency who was doing searches and why I was not contacted sooner. There is a chance this child could have been with his natural family (your husband) this entire time and would not have been a ward of the court. So, to answer your question and if I were making your husband's decisions for him....he would not give his child up for adoption. He would fight tooth and nail and show Sally Social Worker he means business.

Sally Social Worker probably has a rapport with the foster parents and "has just fallen in love with them......and thinks they should be the one to have this child, after all he has been there this long".....

Good luck!!

â™¥Tiffanyâ™¥

If that's his child he has every right to take him. The other family could come see him if they want. Or if he just wants to see him as the "uncle" he needs to get a lawyer (he needs one either way) and make sure that will be acceptable to the other couple. Kids are resilient and the child will adjust to whichever route you go.

kitta

Your husband needs to see an attorney who specializes in father's rights, pronto.

Most likely, the caseworker wants him to take the paternity test, just to make sure that he is the father, so that the court can then start termination proceedings against him.

It sounds to me like your husband wants to be a father to this child.

Please stand with your husband and fight for this child.

desireeschoreck

If he wants a part in this child's life he better not sign his rights over. The adoptive parents can make promises, b ut when all is said and done, he signs his rights over he has no right to have any contact with the child. I would get a attorney and fight for visitations or custody. As far as back support, I don't think he can be held responsible for finacial obligations to a child he never knew existed. My ex husband abandoned my child for 6-7months, while we were married and wasnt required to pay back support! Go get a attorney and fight for you and your husbands rights!

grapesgum

Kudos to you and your husband for putting his son first.

Short answer - Adoption? NO! They are trying screw your husband over royally.

First thing is a paternity test. If this child is his son, this little guy deserves to have a relationship with his father. It is his right.

Be very careful with DFACS. They are financially rewarded for getting kids adopted to strangers. It sounds like this case worker is drooling over the federal adoption incentive and is trying to coerce your husband into laying down and playing dead.

Legally, adoption is adoption. Once your husband signs away his parental rights, he has no legal rights to ever see his son again. DO NOT fall for the "open adoption" carrot. Open adoptions are not legally enforceable and, in the majority of the cases, open adoptions are legally closed by the adoptive parents before the ink dries on the termination papers. Open adoption is nothing more than a lure to dupe parents into signing those relinquishment papers.

Promises of visitation are a trap to get parents to sign away their rights. In cases where the father actually does have legal visitation, the child is never adopted and the wanna-be adoptive parents are legal guardians. It is the only way to guarantee that your husband's parental rights are not cut off.

durdenslabs

Have a blood test done. Find out if the boy is his. If he is, then the father needs to take responsibility and get his son and keep him.

He can't see the boy ocassionally and not be given a title of some sort. The child DESERVES to know who his father is. He'll want to know at some point and if he finds out that "the man that used to come by" was his dad he's going to be very, very upset and resentful and want to know why 'daddy' didn't care.

If he wants to know if he's the dad, take the paternity test. If he doesn't want to be a father (EVER) then let the caseworker sever all parental rights and do a closed adoption. He'll never, ever see his son.

Carol c

I totally agree with cantstoplinny

cantstopLinnyG

Ask yourself this- how would you feel if he bailed on one of your children?

Your husbands child deserves to be with his father. His foster parents can have visitation rights for a while.

He's not going to have to pay back support. They're bluffing, because the agency stands to make a boat load of money if the adoption goes through. It should NOT be about money. The child deserves to be with his natural family. Period.

Cassidy R

If your husband wants to be apart of this child's life then i think he should be. It's not your husbands fault or the childs fault that he didn't know about him if it comes out to be his son i think he should either file for custody or joint custody with this family the child is young so he can adjust. When the child gets older he's going to find out one way or another that his adopted dad isn't his real father and i know a few kids who have found out around the age of 16 that there parents aren't really there parent's and they hate them for not telling them, so this child is no diffrent he has a right to know his father, that's just my oppinon but do whatever is best for your family.

Good luck

BLW_KAM

About half the states in the US have a registry a man can sign up for if he thinks he might be a father. Before an adoption can proceed the agency and lawyers are supposed to check the registry and look for the presumed father. If he isn't listed, his parental rights may be involuntarily terminated and an adoption may legally proceed. I'm guessing you may not live in a state with a Putative Father Registry. Check out the laws of your state here: http://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/laws_policies/statutes/putativeall.pdf

You may want to call a family attorney and ask what your husband's legal rights are. Don't trust the social worker. Check for yourselves.

Open adoptions are honor-bound, not legal bound. Even if the potential adoptive parents agree, they have no legal requirement for honoring it. You both need to know that.

I can't answer the question about what he should do. I'm an adoptive mother and to have our child taken away after three years would have put me on Zoloft and Prozac. What is best for the child? Having him with his natural father or taking him away from the place he calls home?

Shame on his natural mother for not letting your husband know!

tiggy

Your husband did not even know there was a three year old that MIGHT be his. I would have to say it would be better fr the child to be adopted by the other family. Your husband wants to do the right thing but I hope he will do whats right for the child. Thank you for shariong a deeply personal qestion.

crzblu3y3z

I think he should let the family adopt him. but ask the family if he can still be a part of the child's life. this child has given those parents joy for 3 years and i don't think its fare to take that away from them. specially if he knew nothing about the child.
See what he can do to still be a part of the child life... work something out
does he know who the mother is?

Lyssa Ryan

The child is better off where he is. Recognize that. However, if the couple is open to him having a relationship with the child, I would push for that. It is always about the child. This boy has not known his father, ever. He has known these parents he has now. It is unfair to change that situation even though it is unfair to your husband that his ex (or whatever) kept a critical secret from him. Of course, he may not be the father, so you should have that ruled out first.

Cindy B

They are trying to scare him with the child support threat. I don't think they can make him pay back anything because he didn't know about his son. If he wants to see his child that is his right. His rights were never terminated so he has rights to his child.

Singinganddancing

First thing he should do is get a paternity test so he knows for sure. And get some legal advice as well.

They do have such thing as open adoptions these days, where the parents can receive updates and other arrangements, but it probably varies from state to state. That's why getting legal advice is indispensable. But it will begin with the paternity test.

If the child is doing well, I do think that he should let the couple adopt him. Although if you get the feeling he's not doing as well as he might, and the two of you can provide a stable home, particularly if the birth mother has lost her rights completely (sounds like she has), perhaps you would want to adopt him, allowing for an appropriate transition period of course.

There's no way around it: he should get a referral to a competent family attorney right now, and get in for a consultation immediately.

Nicole

I think he is making the right decision in not wanting to jump into this life that the foster family has made for the child. They've had him since birth, so removing the child from the foster parents, especially a 3 yr old could do serious damage.
I think he should allow the family to adopt the child IF they agree to an open adoption. Explain that he does not have to be introduced as the biological father (as that would confuse the child) but that he does want to be a part of the childs life. Possibly as an "uncle" or friend. That way the child can be with the parents he's known, and your husband can experience and share in his life. That's the best for all involved.

yeahright

No....he'll be wondering forever and if he's remotely interested....he SHOULD check things out first. Meet her....see what she's like before severing that tie.

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