Should the not-so-positive aspects be shared with a child and if so, at what age?

If parents know their child was born with drugs in her system and the birth father was a gang member/drug dealer, should these things be shared with the child or kept eternally secret? If the answer is "yes" what age is the right age?

Is it in the child's best interest to have this knowledge even if it may taint her attitudes about both herself and the birth family or is 'ignorance is bliss" the better option?

To fill in the background, the birth mother, her other children, her extended family, the child, and the child's parents have an open adoption with visits, calls, e-mails, etc. The child knows who gave birth to her and most of the details surrounding her adoption.
Additional Details
ETA: She's in fourth grade now.

Randy B

You sound like you have been peeking at my babies file. Mom was on drugs and drank, thankfully there does not seem to be any reprecussions for the baby but we are prepared if symptoms show themselves. Dad was moms supplier, abused her and is now in jail BUT, he was the only one who showed up for the scheduled visits prior to adoption.

I would never dream of keeping any of this from my daughter but at the same time she will learn the details bit by bit as she is old enough to comprehend and process the info. Once she is old enough she is more then welcome to make additional inquiries info information we don't have and I will support her choice but I don't believe it's right or appropriate for anyone to have the details kept from them, good or bad.

downlow

I would tell her when she starts to ask. You don't have to be brutally honest just answer as simply as possible so that she can understand. No doubt she will ask a lot through the course of her life and you will just have to be as honest and kind with the answers as possible. Think of it as the truth in small doses.

Landen 5/3/06 Lane coming 6/1/09

Wait until she asks don't offer unwanted info... or something that will traumatize her...

twinmama2005

Personally, if the child were to ever ask, then I would be open and honest about the subject. Unless it will or has caused her health problems, then I wouldn't volunteer the information. If you really think its relevant to her life in some way, then let her know, when you think her mental capacity is vast enough to withstand the information she will recieve. This could be any age these days, and alot of times kids are smarter and more worldly than we give them credit for. I would certainly not tell the child until they are in their latter teens (15, 16, 17, or 18) because hopefully, by that age, the child will have a better understanding of the reprocussions of her parent's chosen lifestyle and it may have enough impact to keep her from making the same mistakes as her biological parents. Are you her parent, sibling, or family member? If not, then you shouldn't be the one this information should come from. I understand your concern as to what kind of impact sharing or witholding this information could have, but if you are not responsible for her, then you should sit down with the adoptive parents and let them know your concerns. They will be able to take the necessary actions for this situation. I am not sure if they would appreciate their daughter coming home one day saying "so and so told me about what my parents did, why didn't you ever tell me??" To be caught off gaurd in that way, is very hard to recover from, and something like that could break the already fragile bond of trust between parent and child in this particular situation.

I wish you the best of luck, in whatever you decide to do.

Ethel

I'd leave it alone until they are an adult or unless the child has medical issues that need a complete history. She needs to know eventually becuase it might be relevant later, but it's not important unless it's an issue health wise. My nephew knows that he was exposed to an unknown quantity of drugs before birth, and he's almost 14 - but he has high functioning autism so it's relevant to his special needs right now. I think having a reason for him why he didn't think the same as most was helpful. I don't know if it would have been brought up otherwise - until he was 18 that is.

Save the Pits!

I grew up knowing as much as I could understand and I greatly appreciate it. In fourth grade she's able to process this sort of information. I would just be supportive and give her all the information you can in words she can understand. They aren't her family- you are so what it taints is "those people" and not herself or you. She'll appreciate the honesty on your part and she'll integrate it as something that makes her unique- you CHOSE her as a daughter and that makes her special.

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