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Bee
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While I agree that adoptees should not let the fact they are adopted hold them back in life everyone is an individual and processes the experience differently. Like if you are in a happy adoptive home it is probably easier to accept being adopted than someone who ended up in a less than great home. My husband was adopted as a baby and his adoptive parents never made any secret of it. They told him that he was "chosen" because his mom could not have her own baby. He always felt normal and never had any issues with being adopted as a result. He also never felt the need to look for his birth parents but changed his mind after our son was born. As he wanted more information regarding his medical history, he initiated a search (with his adoptive parent's support) and found his birth mother when our son was three. They corresponded for a few months and finally met. It was definitely a best case scenario and all the parents involved were happy for the respective roles they each played in his life. A few years later his adoptive mom died. We are still very close with his birth mom and his two half brothers (our son is now 22). My husband's sister was also adopted and when she reconnected with her birth mother it was great at first but as her b.m. has mental issues, their relationship floundered. The upside is that she really bonded with her aunt, uncle, and grandmother and remains close to them.
As for you, it sounds like you have your head on straight and you are living your life with no excuses - good for you! Others may have more issues to deal with and maybe they weren't given the positive role models that you obviously were. |
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dory
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I was taught to have empathy for my fellow man. Obviously you were not. |
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chazas
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Your answer is much too facile. Dealing with adoption is not an either/or dichotomy. It is false to assume that the only options are "overcoming" or "dwelling." What about thoughtful introspection? |
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monkeykitty83
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Well, overcoming challenges and healing are a goal for anyone who has suffered pain, loss, or hurt. I don't think anyone would argue that "dwelling" or deliberately wallowing in pain permanently is psychologically healthy.
But overcoming and healing aren't that simple. It's not just a switch you can turn on and off, and decide to be fine. People who are struggling aren't struggling because it's so fun to be in pain... healing is a process, not something immediate, and sometimes it can never be complete.
I'm not adopted, and I'm not speaking only of adoptees here-- anything that requires emotional healing is a more complex process than "just get over it." |
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Not Adopted
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They ARE overcoming the challenges by working for reform and educating people. |
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Laurel J
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In the first place, to me adoption is not merely my beginning. I will never be un-adopted anymore than I will ever be non-female or non-Caucasian. So adoption is my past, present, and future.
And I doubt that "overcoming challenges" and "dwelling on adoption" are mutually exclusive in most adoptees' minds. We are busily engaged in adoption activism and reform. We are working our way though our issues at the same time we strive to ensure nobody else has to face life without their own original identities.
You really do come off as arrogant and above it all in this one. if adoption reform were so silly and meaningless, I'd think you would stop asking about it. |
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PhilM
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It's not dwelling, dear Ollie. I'm not here to dwell or for sympathy. I'm here to try to make a better future for others. Unless I tell my tale, society learns nothing and keeps making the same mistakes over and over again.
This is the mistake so many people on here make. You'd rather dismiss me (and others) as complaining. But we're not. We're trying to change the way society thinks about adoption so that the next generation is better protected.
Sort of like advertising that a child-molester has moved into the neighborhood. Not to fix the past, but to prevent the past repeating itself.
ETA: Do you find it less insulting than constantly dismissing others? If you don't understand the nature of analogy, then I'm afraid that you may not be capable of understanding my point.
Do you find it insulting because adoption is worse? I would think, if you thought adoption was a good thing, you would find it insulting to the victims of rape and molestation. But instead, you find it insulting to adoptees. Interesting. So according to you, "the challenges of adoption" (your phrase) are worse than being a victim of rape or molestation. Even I haven't said something that strong. |
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Heather Leigh
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I don't see many adoptees that are dwelling on the past. The ones I see are the ones that want to see changes in a very screwed up system for the betterment of all adoptees.
If you would open your mind you might actually see that too instead of looking for a pity party and dismissing others thoughts and feelings. |
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Independ"ant"
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That actually may be your problem....dwelling. I'm sorry your Aps fed that line to you.
Its healthier to acknowledge and understand which appears to be the case for almost all adoptee's on here.
Maybe you should tell everyone that is doing medical research not to dwell as well. Should everyone just live with their cancer and not dwell on finding a cure to prevent future generations from developing it. |
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Heather B
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Yes, we'll be 'overcoming' the challenge of discrimination of our sealed records in Philadelphia this coming July at the Annual State Legislators' convention
Once equal rights are restored to all (ya, know freedom and liberty for all . . . ) I will no longer dwell
Get a life |
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kateiskate
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Let me start out by saying that everyone who has asked a question or answered one on this forum has been "dwelling" on adoption. We are all the same in that.
I was also taught to hold your head up high, to be strong, to take responsibility, not to dwell on what I can't change. After a long time not thinking about my past because I was taught not to, I realized that if I don't deal with my past now, I might let my demons haunt me for the rest of my life. Looking to the past doesn't consume my entire life. Actually, if anything consumes my life, it's wedding planning.
I actually believe that not looking to your past and resolving your issues will hold you back more than looking back and coming to a place where you can be at peace with yourself. If you keep moving forward without acknowledging what you lost, the road will be much more difficult.
By talking about adoption among fellow adoptees I have come to a place where I don't feel quite as weird as I once did growing up when there were really no other adoptees who were going through the same things as me. By sharing a common experience we are all able to empathize with each other and share in the healing process.
By talking to first parents I get a better understanding of my own first mom and am more easily able to forgive her for surrendering me.
Self actualization is a good thing. |
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Mei-Ling
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So, have you thought about searching yet?
You might actually change your perception of adoption and realize that the rest of us outspoken ones are quite courageous for searching and navigating reunion.
We don't rely on the media or myths of adoption like you do to indicate what is "better."
What are you so afraid of facing? |
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Helena B
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not insulting to us who were molested. tool. |
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amyburt40
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Whatever happened to this expression? In order to move forward, you have to understand your past. So I guess you want to stay in the same rut. Your choice. Me I want to look at my past so I can move forward. Its a way of healing myself. The only way to do so is to get adoptee access in every state. |
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sunny
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You were 'taught' not to 'dwell' on adoption?
How sad that your adoptive parents' didn't acknowledge your 'challenges'. I am sorry about that. |
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Opedial
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Shouldn't you overcome being pious and judgemental?
Judge not lest you be judged. |
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PooP
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Not everyone deals with things the same way you do. |
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Rowan
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Not everyone deals with things the same way Ollie.
I agree , its not good to dwell on the bad things,but sometimes, thats the only way a person can move forward. |
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Isabel A
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You have to deal with issues before you move past them. I think that's what a lot of people here are doing.
It's much healthier than burying one's head in the sand and pretending.
I deal with things on a daily basis and i have a wonderful life but I am also in reunion with my mother and it is challenging.
I wish i had all the answers right now but I don't. I can not for the life of me fake it till I make it when it comes to my adoption experience. So I face it and I make decisions and I live my life.
I have chosen to have member of my biological family in it.
I enjoy leading a life that is genuine. |
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♥♥Rita♥♥
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The very fact that SO MANY have not been able to GET OVER IT....does not that speak volumes in how being abandoned, and adopted has affected them??
Why do you continue to negate these feelings that so many have?? Why don't you get over other adoptees feelings and emotions, they are theirs not yours??
ETA:
You know, the fact that you spend so much time compiling questions that are of this nature could make an analytical person beleive you are trying to negate others feelings regarding adoption so you can systematically negate your own regarding same.
Interesting...... |
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Jackie B
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I was hell bent on making the same point and after being here for a while, I've learned that the challenges presented are not the same for everyone, not everyone had supportive APs who maintained contact in an open adoption or in finding their parents and answering all their questions and acknowledging their feelings. Feelings on adoption from the adoptee, to the mother, to the AP are never objective. They never will be. I do think once an adoptee gets older and can identify their adoption as one of or the source of their issues, they need to take the step to process their feelings with a professional, whose job it is to be objective. That was what I needed to do in order to move on with my life. What you might find here is that a lot of adoptees actually did have pretty good parents and childhoods. That issue is completely separate from the feelings they have about their adoption. |
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Subic
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Thats easier said than done for some people. |
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myst1998
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If you find it easy to go around life with whatever coloured glasses you have on then that is up to you. You sound more like an adopter than an adoptee... perhaps both hence your vested interest in ignoring anyone who isn't in your pro-adoption 'cult'. |
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yeahright
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Ollie, some challenges are bigger than others. Some challenges can defeat you. Some challenges are dealt with great 90% of the time and the other 10% just kicks your A$$. I don't think anyone can make a statement that holding your head up high makes the pain any less painful (and I am talking about pain in general-not just adoption pain). I also think healing is a journey and maybe dwelling for a certain amount of time is part of healing. That being said, where there is a difference is someone who recognizes that, or someone who "gets stuck" into a situation where dwelling turns into an unstable moment that they can't quite get out of.
But the question itself is written in a way that says, be in denial--and it will be better. I am reminded Homer Simpson's advice where he told Lisa,"Take all of your pain, tears, and hold it inside--that's what I do sweety!" as he heads off to Moes. |
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enki90
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My MIL was 13 when she found out she was adopted and that affected her for the rest of her life. She had had issues with her "mother" in the past and this only made it worse and being the type to never forget a slight, real or imaginary, she never stopped dwelling on it. Even when she met up with members of her "real" family who were resentful that she was adopted and able to escape a life of poverty (her mother died shortly after her birth and her father thought it would be better if she was adopted), she still would not let it go. And I think a lot of that contributed to her issues as a parent (which I have had to deal with with my husband, thanks to her).
My mother, who was not adopted had a miserable childhood, too much to get into here and yet, she managed to get beyond it. I think a lot has to do with the individual. Some of us are just born to carry grudges or perceived slights and take them to our graves. |
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just_a_girl
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i think it is all in the way you are brought up. it also depends on the person. some people may feel resentment towards their adoptive parents or biological parents, maybe both. i don't know my biological father, my dad adopted me when i was 4. which i know is much different than being adopted because i still was with my birth mother. i still have no desire to meet my biological father, because he means nothing to me. i think it takes a strong person to accept adoption. you will always wonder about your birth parents. but if you have a supportive family, it will make it easier to get through it. i know people who are adopted and they are just fine with it. |
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mouse111970
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exactly. get over it people are such wusses they just wanna cry and have everyone feel bad for them.
oh yes all the thumbs down how about some more like when a child goes through a divorce oooohhh wwwaaawww immaa be miserable my entire life i wanted to see mommy and daddy fighting every day wwwaaaawwwww.....some things are better off ddddddddduuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh grow a sack. hold your head high and move on when something happens be stronger you wusses go ahead skip out on things in life like promotions that you deserve cause yer to weak to tell your boss. be a push over all 21 of ya |
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