Since most people don't want to adopt older kids, should the foster care system stop trying?

Gaia Raain

I don't think the problem is with how hard the foster system is trying to get kids adopted. I think the problem is the society we live in. We're all so individualistic. No one cares about what's going on outside their own doors, and it's so easy to ignore everything except the things we specifically seek out. Older foster kids who can't find a home aren't on most people's minds, and when someone starts talking about them, most folks stick their fingers in their ears and run. We feel no responsibility toward each other...and it's immensely sad.

End rant...I think you've got a fabulous idea there. I think they should be putting money toward those types of programs anyway, whether they focus on kids getting adopted or not. Regardless of how many kids are adopted, SOME kids will still age out. So, should we ignore those kids because at least some kids found homes? I think not.

Santa's Lil' Helper

Looney maybe a little of both. But I just can't imagine personally giving up on kids. It just seems a violation of basic human rights, the desire to be nurtured and accepted. but at the same time I want these kids to have better. I am torn.....but you have a excellent point!!!

I wish more people took the time to listen to you.

Randy B

While I agree they need to spend more time, money and effort supporting the children getting older in the system I don't believe they should ever stop trying to adopt the older children. A good friend of ours recently adopted a 12 year old girl and she is a real delight. It seems a shame that she should not have the opportunity. Agreed though, there needs to be more for those still in the system to prepare them to be on their own. Its not only in their best interest, it's in societies best interest as well. If and when we don't support them then many will most likely come back into the system either through the welfare stream or the criminal justice stream.

England Auden

No, they shouldn't stop trying. What about the teenagers who want to be adopted? We're going to ignore them now? I agree that more money should be put into programs like the ones you mentioned and better therapists and facilities, but I believe that they should recieve EXTRA money for this, not give up what they have. Yeah, maybe I'm living in an ideal world, but if you're not aiming high.. Also - no amount of therapy, good facilities and scholarship programs is going to get them a family. You know, the kind of family who, when you're 45, you still spend Christmas, the kind of family you call when you're down or stay with when you need a friend and the kind of family you know will be there till you die. I disagree strongly that the foster care system is 'wasting money' trying to get this for teenagers. I think, even if it is less successful than programs to get people to adopt 3 year olds, it's just as worthy. Just because 'most people' don't want to, doesn't mean we should abandon it completely.. 'Most people' don't want to move to Sudan. So, should we force them not to? 'Most people' don't want to be foster parents at all - so should we close down the foster system?'

I doubt you'll say yes. I doubt many people would.

I give you a quote from Jen Braun of the Homecoming Project, Minneapolis, an association that focusses on finding adoptive homes for teens, from a meeting she had with a new group home worker;

â€œMy goal is to find this teenager an adoptive home.â€
â€œHeâ€™s 17,â€ the worker says. â€œWhy bother?â€
She calmly says to the worker: â€œLet me ask you something: do you still have family that you talk to, family who are important to you, family that you visit with or call when you have a problem that youâ€™d like to talk to someone about?â€
She sees a light bulb go on inside the worker. â€œWell, of course I do,â€ she says softly.
The recruiter finishes, â€œYou say to me â€˜Heâ€™s 17, why bother?â€™ and my answer to you is this: because heâ€™s only 17.â€

Also, you can read Jen's adopted son's story here;
http://americanradioworks.publicradio.org/features/fostercare/e1.html

Not all teens will want to be adopted, necessarily, but why does that mean we should stop helping the ones who do?

Perhaps the funds should be spread more equally between new facilities and finding adoptive homes, but I'm certainly no supporter of abandoning finding adoptive homes entirely.

Interesting proposition, though. =]

Tam

You have some very good ideas. I think it would be sad to stop trying to get families for older children. There are those who are interested and will adopt older children. I have both adopted from overseas (she was almost 4 yrs. old) and had a failed adoption in the U. S. The adoption that failed did so because the child (8 at the time) was so damaged from years in foster care. The system truly let him down. He had severe problems and was only seeing an art thereapist and being heavily medicated. The child had been through more in his short life than any adult would ever want to be. The foster care system needs a complete overhaul. It is sad to think how many will be turned loose at 18 with no family to fall back on. Please don't ever give up on the chances of older children being adopted, though.

Harriet

You know, that might not be a bad idea.

Harriet

almost human

I actually think that would be great. It's an awesome idea!
They all have great potential and every resource should be given them to realize it.

In the meantime, please give to Orphan Foundation of America
http://orphan.org/index.php

they provide scholarships:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=15ZDPj4r1Xk

provide mentors:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nw1_gsEgsG8

and send care packages to show them that somebody cares.

also, listen to this hearbreaking story on Weekend America about just how without resources these kids are the second they turn 18
http://weekendamerica.publicradio.org/display/web/2008/11/01/aging_out/

ETA
What kind of monster would thumb down this post full of charitable things to do for foster kids aging out of the system?

incredible.

â™¥â™¥Mum To Superkidsâ™¥â™¥

Ideally, they'd push for the rights of kids in foster care WHILE implementing those supports for the kids that are waiting.

Siver C

that is a good idea. I think the door should be left open of course. But aging out is awful. I think you have a good idea here!

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

dang. good idea, looney. wish i had thought of it!

Louby B

I was older adopted child from the UK, I was adopted at the age of 10yrs & because of how old I was, I had many issues to deal with due to my horrific abuse. My adopted mum & dad I think did not realize how hard it was going to be for them & there was no help for them once I was adopted, so 5yrs later I went back into a child's home, which to be honest made me worse & to make matters worse I found out I shouldn't have been adopted out in the beginning & my real birth M thing looked like my adopted mum, so I had this contant reminder of the abuser.

Not once did anyone offer me any help to deal with my abuse. It felt it was a subject that should stay where it was & now you have been adopted you should get over it as you have a loving family now. Even to this day I am still trying to understand why things happened to me & not to my siblings.

I honestly think that what you have suggested with putting the money into pro-grammes & therapist's etc, is such a excellent idea, I know if this was offered to me I would have maybe be able to deal with what life had dealt me within time & come out from it being alot more positive about myself & about life in general.

I think though as well this should be offered to all children before adoption can take place as behind every child who wants to be adopted there will always be a sadness in their hearts, trying to understand what has happened & feeling that sense of rejection.

CherishTheMoment

You have a point but why would you want to give up on these kids.
Like I said it is a good point. My friend was in foster care, little sister was adopted.

Nurse Answer Mama

I don't know about other states, but my parents are foster parents in Tennessee. The kids they have ARE prepared to get jobs and go to college. It is my parents JOB to teach them the social skills to help them. The must teach them how to plan and cook a meal at least once a week, work with a budget, clean and organize a house, etc. They don't use them as slaves like some I've heard about, but they make sure the kids know how to do the things they will need/want to do.
They had a sibling group of three whose parents died in an accident get adopted to a couple in another state. The kids were about 13, 10, and 8.

Dawn R

i understand what you are saying i would love to see them at least have the best if they are not being adopted. its sad though, but you are right they should offer them what they can so they can have a better life.

Rowan

i hav to admit, that might be a good idea.
My father was in foster care for 4 years after his father died and the step mom no longer wanted to deal with him. Being 14, he stood no chance of being adopted. He often talked about how he wishes he hadn't ben moved around so much, and been able to attend college and all that.
But, they should not stop trying to get those kids adopted, that would be so sad. Its such a tough situation, you know? But never give up on them!

â™¥â™¥Ritaâ™¥â™¥

I don't think we should ever give up. There are too many stories of families who meet a 17 year old teen and rush to adopt him/her only to finalize 2 weeks before his/her 18th birthday.

I do think more money needs to be funneled in to training more workers to only work with teens who are 13 and older to start learning skills and beginning those realizations that a teen can only get from being in a permanent home- like what are you going to do when you are 18 or graduate high school?? What about college or vocational secondary schooling?? Who could take care of you if you became ill at 20 years old that you could trust?? Learning to open a checking account, getting their driver's license, getting an apartment and turning on utilities, developing a work ethic (interviewing for and getting a job).

Where I am from, there is a program that does this as mentioned above but it is not as big as it needs to be. Trips are planned to get teens together at symposiums that talk about living independently. The state picks up the secondary schooling/college tab for most of these kids. There is a small unit that identifies these kids, but there are so many and IMO there is not a fine tuned group of workers to focus on only the teens who will likely age out.

If there is ever a chance to find a child a home then we owe it to these kids to do whatever it takes.

Just a Mom

I see what you are saying and I do think that kids should be more prepared when they have to age out, but I don't want to ever give up on any of them. My oldest turned 9 today and I can't imagine my life without her. I would hate to think that had we not adopted her, CD would have given up on her ever getting adopted.

I don't know...just my thoughts.

Serenity71

LT, have you thought about woking in this are to make a difference. You pro active in finding solutions.

I wouldn't want to give up entirely. You know lots of Aust foster families try to adopt kids that have been in their care for years. Red tape prevents it most of the time. The dept don't communicate very well. Adoption and fostering is in the lime light at the moment here due to reform. I hope they fix that part.

Dark Angel

Amen that is the best i have heard to do with the older kids.I am in a fight with dshs as they want me to adopt my nep[hew and i want to but when i do i will lose all the places that help and they will take my medical coupons ' and he is on 20 meds a day.She said today if i don't adopt him asap that they will have to take him' and put him in a group home...He is a nervous and emotional kid and if they did this he would kill his self' as i am all he has known and lived .

I think you can do both. There are good independent living facilities in my state and they still try to adopt the teens. There are people who want to adopt teens just not the mass numbers that want kids. Also the ads and things in my area have actaully worked and broght it to the for front teens being adopted is increasing

MamaKate

Dear LT,

I'd personally rather see them spend more money on programs which focus on REHABILITATING and REUNITING families in crisis. If fewer children were TPRed there would be few children in need of replacement families.

Children from truly "unfixable" situations would then have a larger pool of prospective adoptive families and greater personal attention from the system. JMHO.

adk_in_ar

i am an adoptive parent and a foster parent. i love my adopted son very much but if i had it to do over again i would not do it. i adopted him at age 13 after being his foster parent for 3 years. after the adoption his true self came out. i know i need to get him out of my home soon but i am afraid of what it will do to him. i do believe now from personal experience that once a child turns 13 they should not be eligible for adoption. they should at that age given the option of a group home or be able to stay in the foster home they are currently in. and the government should put the money back into these kids future. my son is going through therapy but it honestly has not helped. he blames me for his mother giving him up, eventhough he had been in foster care for 4 years before moving into my home.

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