So did the rest of your family bring up inheritance questions when adoption comes up?

Jennifer L

As an adoptive parent, we haven't encountered any problems or issues from our families. I have a ring that was handed down mother to daughter and my mother assumed (and rightfully so) that I would pass it onto my daughter (adopted) when the time came.

I do agree that money and inheritance questions can sometimes bring out the worse in people, but there has not been any problem with our children from adoption inheriting family heirlooms.

As a side note, on our children's adoption decree (it was an international adoption) it is stipulated that the children are to be viewed as our children born from wedlock, for the purposes of inheritance. I just found it interesting from a cultural/sociological point of view that the wording of it was that way.

Kazi

Adoptive mom here,

Our wills dictate that everything is split 50/50 between our 2 children. As for my parents... they are very wealthy, very generous and have shared the wealth with their beloved grandchildren. Just yesterday my parents announced to us that last year (unbeknownst to us) that they had started trust funds for the grandchildren. My kids are not even in kindergraten yet and their college education is already paid for. We are very grateful for that. Also, their wills are setup so that everything is left 50/50 between my sister and myself and if anything were to happen to us, then the money would go directly to the children. This would bypass our husbands. My parents adore both of our husbands however (just to illustrate how my parent's do not see their grandchildren as adopted) they explained that the money would go to the kids because the guys already have parents, but the grandkids are "OURS."

SJM

When my amom died, days after my 15th birthday, her mother came to collect the family heirlooms in my mother's possession. All of them. It's a good thing mom was already dead because it really would have killed her if she'd known. My dad's mom was the greatest grandma ever. My mom's mom was never a big fan of adoption and had always had trouble hiding it.

However, when that grandmother died, I did inherit an equal share of the money. The heirlooms went to her biological grandchildren, however. I probably could have tried to claim some, but I was too busy visiting her deathbed to know her house was being cleared. I guess I shouldn't have assumed that since they weren't visiting her, they weren't taking an interest in her death. It was a slow and painful thing. Pancreatic cancer is ugly. I'm sure dividing the antiques was much more fun. I hope no one got hurt.

Sorry about the snarkiness. I really was pretty unimpressed. They really didn't even visit her deathbed. It was bad. My brother and I (both adopted) got exactly no family keepsakes. Oh, wait. They did return the pictures taken of us as children.

I already have the heirlooms on my adad's side. There were no biological grandchildren. He was an only child. In fact, he was an only grandchild.

Sofiakat

When we adopted, the first thing my dad did was go to his lawyer and have his will changed to include his two new grandkids.
There was never a question about it from my siblings (who have no children and at 40 and 42 probably never will). They were happy to see the kids added even if it meant less for them when my dad dies.
As for the situation with your uncle, I think it is disgusting that his blood siblings would be upset about a desision made by their mother to include ALL of her kids in the will.

Randy B

I've really never asked my Mother who is in her will and it's something I'd never dream of. Its her business and I trust that she will do what she wants with her estate. I'm sure, based upon the way I was raised, that it would be an even 3 way split between me and my siblings but as to what she may want done with specific items, thats her business and I respect that. Now, my brother on the other hand has come right out and asked but she tells him the same thing I feel about it, it's none of his business...yet.

For me and my children, I've done the same thing I suspect my parents have done. Everything goes to my wife (and hers to me) and in the event that we both go at the same time then everything gets spit between our children equally. Certain individual posessions of mine are ear marked for certain people but it's based on sentimental value, not monetary value.

I always remember when my grandfather passed away. I used to visit him in the hospital every evening to play Crib and help him pass the time. After he died I was given his Crib board that we played on and that means more to me then the rest of his estate combined.

Obviously though, based upon your experiences, some people are more materialistic and greedy then others. Too bad really. The person should have the right to do what ever they want with their stuff.

aloha.girl59

My parents haven't. My (now ex-) husband's parents have no other grandchildren so I don't know what they plan to do -- if anything -- regarding their grandson in their wills, but I was never thought that grandchildren are named in wills. Only surviving children. I'm sure some people do it differently and that's fine. It's each individual person's choice to make when making out his or her will.

My parents bugged me to death for my son's social security # and wouldn't tell me why. I trust them and know that they wouldn't do anything illegal or unscrupulous with it, so when we got his SSN, I told my parents what it was. Turns out that when my sister's 3 kids were born, my parents set up IRAs for them -- all in the same amount. They set one up for my son in the same amount as soon as they had his SSN. My parents were thrilled when they found out we were adopting and, as far as I know, have never treated my son any differently than their 3 bio grandkids. If they ever DID treat my son differently due solely to the fact that he was adopted, they'll never get the pleasure of seeing his sweet little face again. Or mine. What my former in-laws do is their business. Those people are ugly in their hearts and I wish I didn't have to have anything to do with them for the rest of my life, but for my son's sake, I am in contact with them. They have two children: my ex-husband and his sister. I would imagine that they'd leave their worldly goods to their two children, divided equally. If they want to leave my son something, great. If not, I wouldn't expect it anyway.

My parents are planning to spend *my* inheritance on travel long before they pass away. :) I say, good for them! It's their money and they can do what they want with it.

Nora

all children natural and adopted share equally. Any other arrangement is unfair.

Lori A

My daughter is acknowledged in my will and my son's know about it. It shouldn't be a problem since they are all on great terms.

Independ"ant"

Money is an ugly subject minus adoption.

I know a women who was reminded that she was "non biological" anytime the inheritance issue was raised which was quite often in her family despite there being a big pot to split. Even her nephews and nieces made comments about it.

She was on valium for 20+years so she could cope.

Not sure but I think she was anorexic as well....she was 5'5" and 95 pounds even after having 3 kids.

HappyMomAnna

I know that in some states (at least in the past) adoptive parents could not "Disinherit" an adopted child. My ex-husband, his sister and her husband, were all adoptees... When my Brother-in-Law's father was very wealthy and when he wrote his last will he could not legally disinherit my brother-in-law. Instead he put it into some kind of limbo with so many strings attached his son will be about 70 before it actually is in his control...but, he deserved it.

When we finalized the adoption of our children we also had our New Will legalized. I have two children from my first marriage and a bunch of assets when we married--he has a bunch of assets and more then I had. My kids have another dad, so it didn't seem completely right to split everything up by 1/4ths.

So we haven't. But we were very careful with my children because they were adults, to let them know about how we decided to split up things the way we did. I think by letting them know before we Croak--it will not be a surprise. Why on earth should my two have 1/4 of what my husband and I leave behind and 1/2 of what their dad leaves?

As for Heirlooms--well, that's always fun and you don't have to have Adopted children for that to become one of the Fun Family Dynamics that will Make Memories to last a Lifetime--or, at least be talked about for the rest of someones life!

I Judge those decisions by what happens. I have four trunks one for each kid and as the years go on I put whatever is special I have kept for that kid in their trunk... Baby teeth, gifts and cards they made for me or little notes. Special things they Liked that belonged to me--or the outfit I just loved when they were whatever age. Some times one of them will have a fascination with something. The Trunks are Mine till I am 10 feet under and when I am dead the kid can have their treasure box.

The Big-family heirlooms I have to call by the item. It just depends. The area this might be an issue is Christmas junk. I noticed it might happen pretty early when the Little Ones started Bonding with some of the keepsake items of the older kids. Like the something their Grandma on Their Dad's side made them... So, for some of that stuff which should Not belong to the little ones--I just pulled it from the Stash and put it in the Trunk.

Other items are just different--things from My husbands family naturally go to the little ones, it's their father's side--and things my husband and I collect together will get split up how it matters.

Actually, I think it's pretty easy to have things split up and know how it will go down if parents share these things with their adult children. Or even when they are little. I Collect Madame Alexander Dolls. I started when I was about 7, and have a nice collection of old dolls. Some will go to one kid or the other down the line. Some are Ear-Marked already for one daughter or the other...But, eventually I will have a couple of Daughters-in-law and I will think about them, and of course Grand Kids...

Being and insurance agent also makes it easy for me because I keep my personal property inventory in case of a complete Loss--so it's all really itemized and simple to make notes about who likes or gets what... Of course, what I have learned about the family junk is that some people end up being the dumping person for all of So and So's stuff because no one else really wants the junk--in my family it seems like I got that luck position so I have a lot of junk to dibby up--everyone will get more then they might even want.
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Heather B

No, we don't discuss that stuff. What our parents plan to do with their estate(s) doesn't concern us. It's none of our business.

Quite honestly the fights and greed I've witnessed in other families makes me think some people should just leave it all to the local animal shelter instead.

red elephants

Thats really sad that his biological siblings are behaving in that way. Death/inheritance brings out the worst in people. I really think that in most cases the ones who are complaining the most and loudest about others being included and not getting enough of the share are the ones who should be left out completely and do not deserve anything.

I'm not an adoptive parent yet but have talked with both my mom and grandmom about my plans to adopt in the near future. With both money has never been a real focus. Neither of them have mentioned inheritance when we've talked about adoption and this has been over a few years now. My mom just wants grandkids and doesn't care how that happens (biological or adoption). To her they will be family with no question. She's fine with me wanting to adopt older children, doesn't care if they are of another race, etc. Family heirlooms and money were just never an issue she considered when talking about adopting. With my grandmom she has enough family that is adopted through the years that its not an issue either.

A few years back we both did our wills (when I was 23 I believe) and mom was fine with me leaving assets/etc to friends, neighbors, charities, etc. The only mention/concern was over family royalties and a stipulation that a prenup would be required if she left me her share in the family stock and I decided to get married and that was to protect future grandkids and the rest of the family's interests (since I would then have the biggest stake in the family).

sizesmith

I heard my mother say that "she wasn't going to get attached to him" in the beginning. Now, she'd jump in front of a group of tanks with a flyswat to keep them away from him. Blood hasn't been thicker than water, the process to him coming into the family was just different.

Our son is super lucky, because his first grandmother has stated there will be a piece of the family farm left to him, because he will always be family. His father has also said the same thing. We'd just rather he maintain contact and receive love more than anything. My grandmother says when he graduates, he's getting one of her paintings, just like all the other grandkids (he's 17 months, she's 96).

I think there's some things my biological son will have of his grandpa's, because he knew my dad. Ironically, the pregnancy calendar says my adopted son was conceived the week between my dad's death (the 11th) and the anniversary of his birthday (the 16th). He will get the land behind my moms eventually to build on, and my son will most likely get the house in many years to come.

On the flip-side, my mother-in-law had placed a child 48 years ago, and is making arrangements for that child to have some things (she doesn't have a lot). The natural kids will get most of what the parents shared, but the things from their hometown, where he was born will go to him. At reunification, we went through and copied every family photograph for all the kids, him included, and his got scrapbooked with love and care, unlike the kids she raised. He did inherit a substantial home and business interest in his family's business.

It's a shame anyone really thinks about it all. I told my other grandma to take every last penny she had, and go travel the world, have fun, and do what she want. She did, and saw Mel Tillis in person in Branson, Missouri 41 times. The smile on her face meant much more to me than the money she spent on each trip there! The real shame in closed adoptions is the kids raised with the bio families have memories that can't ever be taken away, and unfortunately, rarely shared with a child who was given up for adoption. At least our family is trying.

kateiskate

My grandfather didn't include my sister and I in his will although he included my cousins (who are biological members of the family). I don't know if that's because we are adopted, or because we are my mother's children. He and my grandmother did not like my mother at all.

I don't really care. It wasn't my money. It was his. He did with it what he wanted to and he had that right since he worked hard to earn it.

BPD Wife

As a mom through adoption, I consider adoption to just be a description in the way we became a family. In other words, adoption does not make my son any less my son. I made it abundantly clear to my family that this would be the case when we brought our son home. My side of the family has experienced adoption before so it was a non-issue for them. My in-laws were a bit more apprehensive at first but as soon as they held him for the first time, they knew exactly what we meant. My FIL died shortly after we brought our son home, and he had already made provisions for my son in his last requests.

With regards to my son's bio family, I would never "expect" them to include our son in their wills. However, we have a wonderful open relationship with my son's grandparents and they recently shared that they have included him in their wills at the same percentage as their other grandchildren. I understand that has caused some issues with their own children (being that one of their children is the bio parent of our child who wants nothing to do with our son), but they wanted to do this. Again, I would never expect it, but I think it is amazing that my son is blessed to have three sets of grandparents who love him so much. And to think that my son will have family heirlooms from both sides to pass along to his children someday just warms my heart.

Philippa

I am reunited with my son. My husband and I don't have other children so everything we own is being left to him.

Rivkah

My adopted twins' parents left everything they had (a fund with about $2,000 in it) for them. The parents were not in contact with their families - probably because they're mostly in jail - so my twins won't inherit anything from them. My mother brought up some inheritance questions ("are you going to start a trust fund for them too?" yes. "do they get anything when you die?" yes. "do I put money in their accounts on their birthdays too?" yes.) but that was about the extent of it.

I have already made it very clear in my will that if my husband and I die while my children are still little, my oldest daughter (now 17 y.o) gets control of everything (houses, cars, money market funds, IRAs, 401ks, investment portfolios, trust funds, government and corporate bonds, CDs) and then when the kids come of age they each get 1/6th of the total sum, which should, if everything works out, set each of them up (4 bio kids and 2 adopted kids) with a nice seven figures.

BOTZ

My a-parents will not have an earthly thing to give to anyone when they die -- oh, except the piano, which is a family heirloom dating over 150 years. That, OF COURSE, will go to Golden Girl (their bio-child) even though she is neither the only nor the best pianist in the family.

My natural mother and her current husband (who is not my father nor the father of my siblings by her) have set up a will that includes all 6 of their children, her four, including me (the only one surrendered) and his two children. I have no idea what that will be or amount to. If I inherit $25 from her I will be so honored that she chose to include me (with the full knowledge of all of the others). About 8 months or so into our reunion she asked me (timidly) for my SSN. I gave it without hesitation. She LATER told me why she wanted it. I asked if her husband was aware. She said, "When we got married, we made an agreement that ALL our kids are all OUR kids." What a wonderful family I was born to and have the great blessing of reuniting with!

She said to me on one other occasion that we will each get the same amount and that "it's not a lot of money but hopefully can be a helpful little something". I have no idea what that means but I don't care. I have no interest whatsoever in how many digits there are or what they happen to be. NONE! I love my Mom so much and I'm touched that she's been so open about me and, by extension, herself all of my life so that reunion has been painless, seamless...totally expected from 'her' side of the family -- they were all just WAITING for me to show up.

Okay...I got a little off track. I'm not aware of adoption ever being an issue with regard to inheritance in my extended adoptive families. It is much more of an issue for MY a-parents than I could ever discern it was for their parents or siblings.

I have been included in my natural family (Mom's side) in every possible way, including inheritance. There has been no discussion with my natural Dad. We don't really talk about money at all (unless it relates to politics) but I don't think he has an awful lot of material wealth and -- without going into a lot of detail -- that is actually something that I ADORE about him.

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