So the adoption process isn't perfect!!!?

Shanti38

You might be interested to know that here in NZ we do not have private adoption agencies, it is ALL handled by the government. No money must change hands or else the adoption is illegal, But the lawyer who handles the legal side of adoption can charge his fee. When I adopted my daughter, the lawyer said I could not even pay for the taxi to bring the birth mother to his office to sign the papers. We now have open adoptions and birth mothers can keep in touch but through the lawyer who passes on letters, photos etc. The birth mother can choose from 3 couples who have been selected by the Government Agency as suitable parents, the birth mother can ask to meet with them before she agrees.

amyburt40

The holdup is the National Council for Adoption. Their groups make huge money off adoption. Maternity homes are a horrible suggestion. They barely fed the mothers of the past. They were often tied to their beds and knocked out so that they could not see their children.

We need to get away from the thinking that women are merely breeders and children as property. If the Hague Convention and the U.N. can recognize us as human beings, then so can the US.

Take the money out of adoption. Make the adoption industry financially responsible for what they have done to the adoptees and mothers.
Make open adoptions legally binding on both sets of parents. It is for the benefit and best interest for children.
Make all adoptions open to the adoptee and his families.

julie j

Hi,

Youâ€™re right â€“ adoption is far from perfect, and many people are speaking out about the way it is practiced in the USA. It is desperately in need of a reform! Here are some reasons why & some suggestions:

To clear up the most common misconception about reform, nobody thinks that children should not be taken care of. They should! Every child deserves that. But at what price to the child?

Ask yourself must he/she permanently give up their identity, personal history, ethnic heritage, medical data, religion, genealogical roots, names, all connections & information to their natural families & background, forced to give up all contacts & visitations? Must they be lied to, their losses be minimized or dismissed? Must they be expected to fulfill the role of another person for the sake of the adopters, & be subject to feeling like a commodity awarded to somebody with greater financial assets? Must they risk their mental & emotional health for the rest of their lives? Must they forfeit all that, plus their rights to their original birth certificates & all related records forever, in order to be loved and cared for during their childhood? Those things add up to a very high price to pay! Is all that really necessary & in the child's "best interests?" If you can understand any of these issues, then you can see why it is important & necessary to at least reform adoption so that it can better serve the child, because that is for whom adoption services should primarily be created & reviewed.

The success of an adoption should not be measured by how happy the adopters are that they were able to get somebody else's child, or on how much they love that child, or on how much they say that child feels like a biological child to them. That is not really in question, and those types of criteria don't honor the child and his/her perspective.

How many times have you heard somebody speak for their adopted child (regardless of the adoptee's age) claiming he/she is perfectly adjusted, seems happy, doesn't have any of those issues, & doesn't care where they came from? Or it could be somebody's co-worker or adopted cousin who is said to never even think about their natural family nor consider searching for them because he/she is loved so much by the adoptive family? Adoption should never put a person in the position of having to make loyalty choices or judgments of either family. Granted, different adoptees are affected by the adoption experience to varying degrees. Just because an adoptee doesn't talk about it with YOU is no indication of what they are feeling on the inside, especially if they sense their true feelings will not be accepted. Remember too, thoughts and attitudes can change as they grow up and evolve through different stages & see the bigger picture. The point being, others should not ever presume to speak for how an adoptee feels and thinks, regardless of how it appears on the outside.

I am not saying adoption is wrong because of the love that the adopters may feel for the child they adopt. A child can never have too much love. It is not wrong for the child to love the adopters in return. That love and caring in a home can still be there for children with legal guardianships, without them having to endure everything that the current adoption system requires of them. After all, adoptees were given no choices whatsoever. These are children who have suffered a serious loss. Had their parents both been killed, others would have far more compassion for them. The result is the same in the childâ€™s mind - without the allowance to grieve and move on, yet others expect him to be grateful and happy instead. Let's find a way that preserves the child's rights, retains his identity, his peace of mind, & respects his personhood. In fact, the child would probably be happier & love them even more then. Shouldn't that be everyone's ultimate goal - children who become happy, healthy, & well-adjusted adults? Too many times, adoption is thought of primarily as a service for childless couples, a means to an end for them. Mostly I am saying that adoption is in need of a replacement or a reform because of what it typically can do to the adoptee - who is a human being. And it is also wrong because of what it can do to the natural mom. Those in favor of the status quo would be content for those two parties to suffer indefinitely by denying any issues exist.

And how do we know when we are doing a better job for the children? A better measure of success is when greater efforts are made to preserve natural families whenever possible instead of tearing families apart. Better measures of success are when arrangements are made honestly & openly for those children who are truly in need of homes. Better measures of success would be arrangements that are centered on the child, honoring who they are and where they came from. Better measures of success are when full accountability & equality are available, with respect to original records, to adult adoptees. Following those suggestions will enable inclusion of all adoptees, regardless of their families, their experiences, stages of resolving issues, etc. All rights & services should be automatically available to all adoptees for when/if they need them. One final idea: required education classes for all potential adopters that include extensive information from adoptees & natural moms who have lived the experience, rather than exclusive info from the agencies and other PAPâ€™s because, with all due respect, they are not experts on the adoption experience as it effects those who have lived it.

These are just some of the many ways that could better meet the short & long-term needs of the children. They are not being fully utilized due to the conflict between the powerful adoption industry (along w/ most, not all, adoptive parents) versus the best interests of the child. We can do better for children who have already been through so much.

If we could make improvements to the system, someday we all might not have to discuss what is wrong with adoption anymore. It has to start with talking, listening, & then legislative action. We have all heard the positive stories from adopters w/babies & minor children. Now let's consider what we can do to make more positive long-term stories for the adoptees. Thanks for asking.

julie
reunited adult adoptee
rights activist

Possum

I'm not in the US so can't specifically comment.

I agree with much of what Gershom has said. She is one of the staunchest supporters of adoptee rights that I know - and as seen here on Y - that grates on people when her views differ from others - but if people don't ever see the other side of adoption - how will there EVER be changes.

Why would people not want what is BEST for the child.
Best choice should be to stay with their own parents - if that can happen.
Or - if not - allow that child to have the same rights as every other American citizen - to fully know their identity and heritage - and to love whomever they choose.

I live in Australia where there are under only 600 adoptions per year - in total.
Australia is a staunch supporter of family preservation - keeping families together if at all possible.

The US seems to have become a throw away society & a society that only looks after themselves as individuals - not as a whole.

Gone are the days of truly caring for your neighbour - for giving of your heart and soul to helping another - without minding that you may not get something in return.

Everyone thinks that everyone else owes them - and they won't really do something unless there is something solid in it for them.

If more were to educate themselves on the effects of separating mother and child - and the psychology behind rejection issues in relinquished children - people might actually start to realise what nurturing the child should really be about.

It's not about giving them a college education or plenty of birthday gifts each year. It's about loving the child unconditionally - and empowering that child to grow into a compassionate and loving adult. It's allowing a child to be a part of the family that they are genetically linked to - if possible. It's about not claiming that a child is to be yours alone (if you're an adoptive parent) - as such - but the child is 'ours' - an adoptee is made up of many parts. Trying to insist that an adoptee choose sides is unfair and completely unreasonable. If they later choose themselves to reject either 'side' - that should be their right - and their right alone.

The US is setting up children to be hurting from the very start with such outrageously high adoption numbers - especially when there are so many children in foster care waiting for a real home.

Education is probably a key area - before any change can happen.

Added: FYI - LC - I actually gave you a thumbs up for your answer!!

Adoptionissadnsick

I agree that we should copy Austraila's system

FL Gal, I think you're on the right track, but I'd be leary of allowing the Gov to house mothers though. It'd be preferable if they had supportive professionals to offer home care.

I also believe adoptive parents need much more extentsive mental and emotional evaluations. Some people go straight from failed fertility treatments to adoption. It's been proven that the loss of one's fertility can severely impact ones disposition and sense of self. Too many ap's fail to grieve the loss of what might have been and it winds up being quite a disservice to the adoptee that lands in their care.

Mothers who relinquish need honest information; not just the adulations of those who will profit from her TPR. She should spend hours with mothers of adoption loss, and adult adoptees; so that she will understand what she's commiting her and her baby's life to.

Further, no placement plan or adoption should take place until she has had 8-10 weeks to mother her baby. It's the least we do for puppies and kittens. HOW DO WE NOT AFFORD THIS SAME CURTESY TO OUR CHILDREN? Midwives and doulas could help the majority of mothers establish successful nursing relationships, and get their babies immune systems off to a healthy start.

Heather B

The adoption industry in the USA needs regulating - it seems to me to be a free-for-all with the unscrupulous facilitators being free to do whatever unethical stuff they like and nobody takes any notice because "adoption is so wonderful"

The practices of adoption in the USA are unethical and coercive by their very nature and the sealing of adoptees birth certfificates is a blatant violation of human and civil rights

If the US would only look outside their own 'box' they would see that this kind of thing is not acceptable in most countries around the world and there are ways or practising adoption in a much more civilised manner

Also for those who need reminding, anti-adoption practices does not mean anti-adoption. So please stop with throwing that one around - it's not right

Julie R

I find it curious that you address only the process in your effort to acknowledge that adoption isn't perfect.

Granted, the process is FAR from perfect. But there is a huge area of adoption that has not been addressed here - and that is the psychological and emotional impact on the adopted person regardless of the ethics in the process.

In addressing the process, however, my greatest problem with it is the lack of screening that is done on prospective adoptive parents. Psychologically challenged PAPs are not screened properly. This contributes to the anger of so many adult adoptees today. Their adoptive parents were not psychologically equipped to parent (adopted children or bio children). The vulnerable position in which they entered their adoptive families was made worse by the treatment of their ill-equipped adoptive parents.

And so they have suffered greatly at the hands of adoption. Do you think these people are rare? Think again. They are as common as houseflies. Who here dares to challenge their experiences? Who has the right?

And then there is the problem of the Western concept of parenting that poisons adoptive AND biological relationships with children. Western parenting practices are, unfortunately, mostly about power. Western culture does not respect children. Children are not equals in Western culture - they are subordinates. There is a tremendous power imbalance and children suffer for it.

Western parents do not see themselves as their children's ally; they see themselves as their children's dictator, disciplinarian, strongman, taskmaster, overlord. Western parents see themselves as being in a position of power over their children. Such a position precludes respect for children as human beings in their own right.

This attitude feeds the adoption machine because people who are unable to have children are too often driven by a need to hold power over someone. If they can't create their own children to overpower, they want someone else's for the same purpose.

This has to stop - all of it - until we are able to produce a generation of loving and respected human beings.

Gershom

editing to add, Julie J's answer below is FABULOUS.

The HOLD UP?

For starters its the NCFA, the pro-lifers, LDS, and many many adoptive parents. Not to mention the adoptin and safe families act.

The hold up, is that adoption in america has become an industry where the GOVERNMENT is the one who is profiting. Why on earth would THEY want to change it, and lose BILLIONS a year? They don't, and they won't without hard, dedicated workers, working against them, with time, money and passion.

Like a very good friend of mine has for 3 years been working on a bill that could very well do...just what you mention above..... http://www.nationalinfantadoptionawarenessact.com
check it out, add your insight, add your ideas and help her reform the industry of adoption. The bill won't be ready for a few more years, but THIS is what it will take. Amoung other things.

Thanks for asking and having an open heart to learn and make changes.

grapesgum

In response to "additional details" provided by floridagals' question - "Amen"!! I have never seen a question here with 7 stars! You hit the target straight on.

Adoption is a total rip-off for adoptive parents. They get screwed up one side and down the other. I also know that non-profit means squat.

In spite of being on "the list", please do not think that I am stupid enough to think that every woman who has a child is ready to parent it. My problem with adoption is that it seems in many cases, the wrong kind of person relinquishes their child to adoption. Expectant parents and their families who are perfectly capable of parenting are persuaded to relinquish. Yet parents who have no business even being near children are allowed to "play" to system. These deadbeats use their children as pawns at the same time that they take advantage of foster parents who really care about the welfare of children. And who gets the short end of the stick? The children who the system treats like pawns.

WHY!! Because our current government has abdicated social responsibility and turned it over to the "private sector". Hmmm - sounds just like the Iraq war.

My suggestion is to vote carefully in the US elections.

If you place the GOVERNMENT in the mix, that will really slow down the process and increase the costs. Just try to apply for a passport. This is a process that requires a background check, and some processing. The 9/11 hijackers had them!!

What needs to happen is there needs to be a well defined and regulated certification and licensing process for those agencies and attorneys that facilitate adoptions. This needs to be a "one strike" system, where any significant evidence of malpractice loses your license to facilitate adoptions forever! The government wouldn't be required to review every adoption, but they would be responsible for ensuring that those that do are ethical. (Ethics and government? Maybe it could work anyway.)

I researched the attorneys that we used, but I also would have paid an extra fee to ensure that the attorney was licensed in some way.

By the way...NEWS FLASH...ADOPTION ISN'T CHEAP...

There are costs associated with adoption that are not directly associated with your adoption, they are associated with the next one. The agencies and attorneys operate at risk until the adoption is final. However, the businesses and medical professionals don't. If an agency or attorney is going to take care of the birth mother during the pregnancy, they need $ for:
-transportation of the birthmother to their offices and to medical visits
-advertising so birth mothers can find them
-advertising so adoptive parents can find them
-paying their people to prepare and process the paperwork
-birthmothers are often given money to help them live and keep themselves (and subsequently the baby) healthy
-birthmothers are often provided with counseling before and after the birth

They can't tell these people, "We will pay you once the adoption is final. And, by the way, if the birthmother changes her mind, we are not going to pay you." It doesn't work that way. The agencies and attorneys have an account from which they draw funds to pay for all of these things. That fund is added to with each adoption. If an adoption doesn't go through (as apparently one in ten don't), then any money spent is lost. This can amount to thousands of dollars lost.

We paid into this account, and we did so gladly, because we knew that someone else had paid into it for us to get our child.

By the way, Gershom and Possum are going to give me a thumbs down for this answer because it doesn't show the plight of the birthmother. Contrary to what they think, I DO care about the rights of the birthmother. I am trying to help birth mothers out by fixing the agency/attorney end of the process.

Crucio

This really isnâ€™t industry based. But I think birth parents placing their children should have to provide some medical information. If there is something in their family, types of Cancer, kidney failure, other illness, if they know they are the carrier of some gene. I think they should also provide what heritage they are.

clcalifornia

I adopted my daughter 28 years ago. she is now a lovely mother herself and my dearest friend.
There needs to be documentation. There needs to be proof that the adoptive parents are safe. There needs to be money exchanged because the people working for the agency need to be paid. I would imagine most if not all agencies are non profit. But, they do need to pay their staff, their office space and court fees.
And sometimes medical bills for the mother.

This is just how it is. All we went through was worth of beautiful baby girl who brought so much joy in our life......except the teen years when she was rebellous.nothing new about that. She is a wonderful young woman now, And she is mine ..........she is the child of my heart.

Petra

Fla Gal I can see how that all sounds nice but in reality I think that the government is already doing those things and if not the government than a privately run place..also IMO I have yet to see an honest, fair, and ethically run government agency. I will be honest I am not sure what else can be done.. we have welfare, and food stamps, including tons of other ways the government can help young, single mothers. I know of a few private mother's homes for young moms, I have seen the booklet myself that told me about foster care and other help I was eligible to receive including phone number when I was 16 and pregnant. I would love to hear some of new way if these ways are not working but I am not sure what else can Be done. I even know of a program where the gov will pay childcare and rent for you...Honestly I feel that although some girls would change their minds if someone sat down with them and went over this information piece by piece I feel that just as many would still choose adoption or abortion. I know this is going to piss some people off but adoption is what it is because there are mothers everyday who choose to not raise their children for whatever reason. I am sorry but sometimes I wonder if there is a solution to problems like this..

You're right...the adoption process isn't perfect. Nothing is. But no matter what changes are made, people are still going to b*tch about it. It's just they way some people are.

I have checked out the links to the people who want changes in adoption. And you know what I found out??? NOTHING! All I could find were forums about how adoptive parents are "baby abductors" and how evil they are. Do you think their opinions will ever change, no matter what changes are made in the adoption industry? I seriously doubt it.

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