So, you could adopt and love any child...?

Not Adopted

"So, if you can/could adopt (and love) any child, could you also marry and love any person?"

I think this points out that adoption is similar to arranged marriage. We find it odd that strangers would be expected to get married and love each other, but we think it's perfectly acceptable to force a bond via adoption. And heaven forbid if the child fails to bond - enter all kinds of wacky therapies and so-called "diagnosis" of attachment disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, etc.

A related question could be "can a child love any adult?" Or, "is a child obligated to love any adult?"

ETA: Jackie wrote, "I don't think the marriage comparison really works since the majority of people marry someone they love."

That's exactly my point - people choose through their own free will who to love and marry. But with adoption, a child is placed in a random household, and voila, now the child must love a new mom/dad/family. No choice, only obligation to love the new family.

And no, families created by nature/biology are not the same as adoptive families. Sure, the child did not ask or have a choice to be created, but that is the way nature works. Adoption is legal/social construct, it is not biological. That's why there are some any issues surrounding adoption - everyone is hellbent on making adoption the same as biology. It is not.

Alyssa's mommy

I think I could love any child but I don't think I could adopt certain children. No matter how much love you have you have to be realistic. Not everyone can handle every child.

Romany

I think most people could love any baby or small child - it's when the child is older that the challenge comes in. Same thing with a marriage partner - they're already grown and have a personality that you either like/love/tolerate/abhor or whatever.

If you tell yourself you could truly LOVE any child - how old a child would that be? Could you truly LOVE any eight year old? Any sixteen year old? Any twenty-something?

thomas p

No. I have a brain damaged from birth relative and do not have the emotional strength spend more 48 hours in her presence. I answer your question with no sense of pride and I do not feel good that I am being honest. In fact, honesty often hurts. My view of good parenting is that you assume the role of a teacher of culture and ethics. It is not a dictatorship arrangement. IMHO.

IDK!!

yes, it is different. when i love my kids, i give it with no expectations. When i love my husband i expect things in return, like companionship, trust, and so on. it is an equal relationship where BOTH should give equally. i don't expect kids to give their parents as much as their parents give.

Lori A

I'm a BAAAAD person. I can not force myself to love just anyone, not even children. There are some that just drive me nuts. I may be bad but I'm honest.

Erin L

I think it IS different when it's a nurturing relationship to a child and not a peer relationship, but there are similarities. My husband's parents had an arranged marriage and I've come to understand them culturally more. Actually, arranged marriages often work out very well and tend to be as successful as marriages not arranged. There is usually an understanding that it will require work and cooperation, that love alone isn't enough, and there is a strong commitment to marriage. Most times, love does develop in arranged marriages. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying arranged marriages are the best way to organize our families. Just as I don't believe adoption is the ideal for a child. But, let's face it. Some children need families. Some families want to adopt children. These families ARE NOT doomed to a life of loveless incompatibility. I'm not sure what would be a good enough answer to this question for you. I guess it's not okay to adopt if you couldn't love absolutely any child, but if someone says they could love any child they would be lying or it still wouldn't be good enough for you, they'd have to be able to love any adult, too!

Sofiakat

To be honest, I have met a few kids that I could not stand to be around.
Some personalities click and some don't. This was a big insecurity of mine when we began the adoption process. I was terrified that a good placement would not be made. I guess we were fortunate that the social workers involved spent a lot of time getting to know us and the kids before the placement even began. They were able to make a good match because of this. However, we were VERY honest about who we were.
Even with my son's r.a.ds it was still a good match. We were able to change the things we needed to, to suit our children. We walked in with no expectation of the kids and knew that it was up to us to fit their lives, instead of vice-versa.
I think we began with loving them just because they needed love and were tiny human beings. As time went on we got to know them and loved them for who they are.
Going back to the "parenting any child" part, I think I could have parented a child, but perhaps love would have taken a lot longer to grow if a good match was not made.

gypsywinter

I know without a shred of doubt...that I could not 'love' just any child, nor 'love' just any person...and "shudders"..'love' just any man! Nor do I believe that a man could 'love' just any woman. To me 'love' is not just a word...but a word filled with immense emotions and much action. Simply going around and exclaiming to the world...I LOVE EVERYONE! Is total BS and makes the word 'Love' mean nothing at all. Makes the person who exclaims to all that she/he loves everybody, feel all warm and fuzzy, but at the end of the day...is simply that...a word. Putting the word 'love' into meaningful action with your entire heart and soul, is a whole nother story!

Carol c

I am incapable of loving just any child, as well. I don't know that it's any different than saying I could love any cat or dog I'm given. And I certainly could not love and marry any man I met!

Love isn't easy in the first place...
This doesn't mean that perhaps love could grow down the road, but to claim to love a child one doesn't know unconditionally, seems pretty naive to me.

durdenslabs

I think that when you are matched to a child, get to know them, and have them live with you then you do come to love them.

A partner is different.

You are not a bad person because you can't love ANY child. I'm sure there are children that I wouldn't "love" either. Not to say I wouldn't like them, take care of them, do what was best for them....but that's not love. That's responsibility.

If you choose to adopt, make sure the right child is placed with you. One that compliments your likes, dislikes, family, history, living situation, etc. A child that, once they feel secure with you, will love you as their "new parent".

Now, none of this happy-go-lucky love is guaranteed to happen. Do NOT adopt a child unless you are prepared to love that child...unconditionally & forever.

MamaKate

Dear Sunny,

I think a lot of it depends on the particular definition of "love" being used.

I love all children because they are children, human beings, living creatures, feeling souls, etc. but there are also children I would not care to be around all the time and might not ever be able to love as MY children. I am quite happy to love them and play with them and care for them as SOMEONE ELSE'S children - to be RETURNED to them.

Love has many levels and degrees.

It is interesting how many people claim they could love ANY and EVERY child but then we see that statistics show that disruptions and dissolutions of adoptions are more common than ever.

"While rarely discussed in public, even within the adoption community, the practice has become far more widespread in recent years, especially among those parents who have adopted from Eastern European countries, particularly Russia and Romania, where some children have suffered far more from their institutionalization than their parents were led to believe."
-Wiki
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disruption_(adoption)

While not ALL disruptions are due to APs, most ARE.

What about those APs who disown their adopted children later in life?
(Maybe they can love ONLY MINOR children?)

You are not a bad person. Just someone who is in touch with yourself, can define different types of "love" and is honest about it.

While I know everyone loves children, I don't believe everyone can just love ANY child as their own and I'm glad for people who are big enough to be truthful about it instead of ruining a child's life. (And yes, I know you wouldn't adopt!) It is important for people to realize that things (and themselves) are not always as idealistic as they picture them.

BTW, I think the arranged marriage being compared to adoption is ironic. Arranged marriages of the forced kind (with out the consent of both parties) which are still common in many parts of the world are considered a form of slavery by most humanitarian organizations and fought against but everyone goes off the deep end if someone compares slavery to adoption and asks "How dare they?". Although there are glaring differences they are essentially they are the same thing: Gifts/dowry/money in exchange for a new family member who has little or no say in the matter and are considered "owned chattel" with no voice and little or no rights in the eyes of the law.

Just my take on it but willing to respect that others feel differently...

kristysearching

This IS a very good question and also is one that if people look in their heart and answer completely honestly as some did they will receive ALOT of thumbs down. But the truth is the truth, not all people are capable of loving all children. You see it quite frequently in step-parent relationships, they may grow to care deeply for the child but that parent type unconditional love just isn't there. Okay you can thumbs down me now, but sometimes that is just the way it is. However if the person is caring, kind and loving in action, they aren't a bad person, just human.

Kay J

I think some people can love any child. You're not one of them.

Opedial

I likely could grow to love any child, but I am also very very careful about the matching placement. (as stated previously) I think it might take some concerted effort, but daycare is not a good example, because you are not with them 24/7 in a parent/child relationship. I do think that is the difference, you come in a a caregiver role and all that entails. You will eventually bond with any child, but these things may vary. What may happen though is it may take a long time. When I was a foster mom, I can say after the fact that I didn't love every child who came through my house, but I think, with time, I would have ended up loving them.

I have said this before though, I think it is easier to immediately fall in love with a baby than an older child, and those adopting older children have to be ready to grow into the love, and be ready for much resistance along the way.

ETA: I like with Sofia said about some personalities click and some do not. When adopting older children there is much work done to make sure they click. As for children who are adopted at babies, well then they grow up together and love each other for who they are. I know I, as a personality, didn't click with my own mother even though I had her full biology.

Philippa

I could love any child but marrying and loving any person is a different kettle of fish. When a person marries it should because because they really want to for the right reasons such as love, friendship, mutual respect as examples.

Endgame

I believe this question Is:
Could you marry and love any person? targets being those that say they could adopt and love any child.

No & No

Some kids are born that only a biological parent could possibly love.
Put me down all you like on this one but no way could I adopt or love a child with deformity's or sever mental challenges. This does not make me a bad person, just an honest one.

As for just marrying and loving anyone

Again, No way
In a lot of cases I'm sure you could learn to get use to them.
but then again you could just as easily start planning their early demise.

Laurel J

If you're a bad person, so am I. I could no more love any and every child than I could love any and every adult.

corcoranfaire

No, but the younger they are, the easier it is. I think it is less about someone being "in charge" and more about having to work together. For the same reason marriages take hard work and lots of effort by both parties, the older a child is, the more effort that is needed from them for the situation to work. It may just take more time because there is so much more to work through.

We are fostering to adopt a 6 month old and now a 16 yr old. My husband and I looked at our younger one as if you get what you get, just like as if she would have been born to us . We didn't have expectations that she was perfect, we understood all the risks and accepted those. It came rather easy, just like our other bio children (even though in all our children you sometimes still question why they look or act the way they do).

As for the 16 yr old, we hadn't really planned on fostering her, but had met her several times, done respite care for her, and durring that time the whole family grew to care for her and she did for us. To be able to move her from a group home to foster care, it took lots of work on her part, like doing well at a public school, getting used to being part of a family, learning to live with other children in the household, talking out issues, numerous weekend passes with us to test things out, and to help with that we continue to go weekly to family counseling with her. I am not sure why her rather than the other children we met, but maybe it was just the right "match" for both of us and we were all dedicated to making it work.

Cam

Using the analogy of a marriage partner is inappropriate and way out of context to compare with the love of a child.

Yes, we get to choose our spouses. Nobody knows for sure what their children will be like, bio or adopted.

Most APs nurture and encourage their child/ren as individuals and we love them no less than you love your bio children.

I don't think you're a bad person. Nor is my child a bad child. But based on comments that you've made I would fear for my child should she ever be in need of help and you were the only person around.

Hermione

Really interesting question - when I volunteer at pre-school I find some the kids really unloveable but what I do find is that the more you know them the more loveable they become. Everyone has their good and bad points, their loveable and their difficult side, I think the truth about having any child in your home is that love grows and you nurture that child to bring out their positive side. The more you get to know them the more you find to love. Its the same with marriage, how well do you really know your partner before you marry them, and what about arranged marriages, love grows from sharing a life together and sharing experiences, confidences etc the love you feel at the beginning is very different from the love you feel at the end. The same for children love develops at different ages to be what you need it to be, you cannot love a teenage in the same way you love a baby - they need different types of love.

Jackie B

I don't think the marriage comparison really works since the majority of people marry someone they love. As far as loving a child, I think that's just easier to do. Not because I'm in charge of the child, but because it's just in human nature to want to take in a child regardless of where he/she came from. (At least for me it does) I could give birth to a child and have our personalities clash. You might not get the 'perfect' child through biology or adoption. But do parents still love their hard to love biological children? Yes they do. It's called unconditional love and it can apply to an adopted child also. Anyone who kids themselves into thinking a child - any child- can be molded to their specifications has got a long road ahead.

Arranged marriages are not common in the US today. And if you really want to draw some kind of parallel, wouldn't you be able to say that even biological children have unwittingly entered into an arrangement of some kind as well?

ETA: Just wanted to add that there are parents I've known of who loved, but didn't like their children and I had a friend of mine who loved her son because he was her son, but once he was born she had to learn to love HIM. It's not the first time I've heard this. It would be easy for me to say I'd love my biological because I don't have one. And learning to love your child is something I've heard more than once. It's not always love at first sight for everyone.

â™¥â™¥Mum To Superkidsâ™¥â™¥

This was my answer from that question:

"I worked with children professionally for over 10 years before I began fostering. This included voluntary and paid roles and included areas of special needs and behavioral issues. It's impossible to count how many children I've cared for, but it would be in the hundreds at least. I never met a child I didn't like. There were exceptionally challenging behaviors that were confronting, and at times harrowing to deal with, but I could see why those behaviors presented themselves from the medical and environmental issues. I don't know if it would be useful for some, I suppose experience with children is a plus for any parent.

But for me, no there is no child I've ever met who is unlikeable".

I don't think you, or anyone, is a bad person for not automatically loving every child they see. And to clarify, I don't love every child I set eyes on. I said I've never disliked a child I've met. That's the truth. But like and love are two entirely different things. The relationship you develop whilst working with children differs dramatically from the attachment you form to a child that you are parenting. When first meeting each of my children I've felt protective towards them. I've felt empathetic, compassionate, affectionate, and yes, it brings out my maternal instincts. But the parental love that you feel does take time to grow and develop and has to be nurtured, just like any relationship.

No, I could not marry and love any person. My feelings of love for my children aren't remotely related to the feelings involved in my romantic relationships. And I admit, I don't have the capacity to love adults unconditionally the way I do my children.

I think your last question is actually very accurate. When you are in a parenting role, when you know your child is dependent upon you for care, love and protection, yes it does make you feel differently than you would when you're assisting a child with a craft activity, or a reading book. It is an entirely different ball game.

Kazi

It's a matter of perspective. What some people can't or won't accept is that most adoptive parents see their children as their children. And while we recognize that they also belong to another set of parents, they are still our own. As soon as I saw my daughter's picture, she became my child. No delusions present, just an feeling that cannot be rationalized. So I didn't just fall in love with ANY child. I fell in love with MY child. Some people cannot love a child not biologically related to them. That's honest. I don't think that makes you or anyone else a bad person. These are the people that simply should not adopt (not that you ever would). But these same people need to accept that there are others (like me and hopefully all adoptive parents) that can and do love our children despite the lack of genetic connection.

Jennifer F

if you have to ask yourself that your answer is no

DevonChaos

Oh jeez. There are certain types of people who do well together. Certain types of people clash. Just because a person is a child doesn't mean that there isn't going to be a clash.

I couldn't raise just any child. I couldn't be married to just any person. People aren't interchangeable.

I think that someone who says that they could love "any" child are putting up appearances. I know how harsh it sounds to say that some children are off-putting to some people. It is quite true though. I have my own children, who I love. I couldn't bring a random child into the mix and promise to love them in the same way I love my own children. I think that anyone who thinks that they could love any child is deluding themselves. You have no idea what the child is going to grow up to be.

I am a realist. I have a select few people whom I love dearly. I have people who I really enjoy. I have people who I tolerate, and people who I cannot. Some of these people are adults. Some are children. Why? Because they are all people. Everyone has a different personality and deals with things in their own way. Some people (including children) just rub me the wrong way. Does it mean I'm going to harm them? No. Does it mean I'm going to treat them hatefully? No. I can put up with a great deal from people and treat them in a civil manner.. I will not, however, fake feelings of love for anyone, because that is lying, and pretty damaging to everyone involved.

This doesn't make me a cold person. I think a cold person would be someone who puts on an act to pretend to love someone that they don't.

aloha.girl59

Sunny,

I was one of the ones who agreed with you. I certainly can NOT love just any child! You have proven this point with your excellent follow-up question. Your last paragraph really hits the mark as far as I'm concerned. I mean, other people's kids are great...in small doses. Or better yet, in pictures! I love my students...all 40+ of them...but I don't want to parent ANY of them...or spend more than a couple of hours a week with them as their speech therapist. For the most part, they're sweet, cute, and fun to be around but they're not MINE.

I got lucky with the boy I adopted. I love him second to no one else on Earth and he's a wonderful little boy. I also realize that it was luck and nothing else. There was a family in our MAPP class through DCFS that we became close to. They completed their paperwork before we did and they started fostering a little boy a few months before we got the call about our son. I was so glad that our friends' little boy wasn't placed with us because, though cute and sweet, I just didn't feel about him the way I did about my son.

Jennifer

In our adoption classes, we have learned alot about attachment and bonding. When you have a baby naturally, you bond with the baby while it is inside you. After it is born, it takes a while to become attached to that child. It is not instantaneous. But it will happen over time, and that's when you know you really love that child. The same is with adoption. You bond with the child when you first meet them. And then eventually the attachment occurs. The same is true with any relationship. If you are willing, and spend enough time with a person, an attachment will form and you can learn to love that person. But you have to be open to it.

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