So you hate adoption...?

stopjudgements

I've been reading over the feedback of other users and truly am somewhat confused. It's hard to tell who's against or for it. I'm going to state with no problem that I was adopted and I thank God that I was. The family I live with I love. My parents are amazing and I also have a great sister who was also adopted from a different family. I have been blessed to have such a beautiful family. I'm not saying my life was flowers and roses. I've been through so much but during that my family stood by me. I know basic information about my adoption which helps me understand my birth mothers reasoning. She wasn't that young but she lived with her mother and 4 year old daughter. She was holding a full time job and had just gotten a restraining order agaisnt her abusive boyfriend (my birth father). Now that initially didn't strike me as 'wow' but as I grew older I learned more and more about the adoption. I know that with the emotional problems I experienced, my biological sister experienced too. It was suspected that this was from the blood line of my bio father. The unfortunate part is that she couldn't afford the help my family could and to this day I hear that she still struggles.
A lot of people point out the situations in which kids bounce from foster home to foster home. I was fortunate enough to not experience that but my best friend did. She was put into foster care at 6 years old after being taken away from her family in which the unimaginable happend. She ended up in a treatment facility for depression and anxiety. She was there waiting for a family for two years. When they finally found a family for her the family fell through and she wound up in a group home and then foster home to foster home she went. That life sounds like hell and truley she went through hell but the thing that people don't like knowing is that she's not all that unfortunate. She is the most sincere, passionate, motivated and strong young woman you will ever meet in your entire life.
Sometimes the situations that take you away from your biological family, give you a life you would never have had before. There is nothing wrong with offering a child a life they can better suceed in than the life you can offer. I love my family and I am grateful that my birthmother had the strength to give me what she couldn't. I respect her for that, and love her for that and I know that she loves me too. How? Because she told me so.
Everyone can have your own opinion but don't assume that you know everything. I surely don't, but what I do know I decided to share.
I hope this made you think a little more about how beautiful adoption can be.

maybe

Adoptive families are imperfect, just like natural families.

There is no guarantee that the adoptive family will be any better than the natural family, except in everyone's fantasies.

Research adoption disruptions - that's when the perfect adoptive family sends the kid back for a refund. Or search for blogs written by adoptees who were abused by their adoptive families.

Contrary to popular belief, adoptive families come in all shapes and sizes, some good, some bad, just like natural families.

ETA: "the point is that imperfecting coupled with no desire to be a parent can be even more toxic"

How do you know every AP truly wants to adopt?

There are many adoptive parents (especially men) who have no desire to adopt, but they are talked into it by their family or spouse. They are made to feel guilty for not wanting to raise another person's child, but they do it reluctantly to keep the peace. They are toxic.

Isabel A

Yes absolutely, if a child is being abused or neglected, they should be removed from the situation.
But it's funny, it sounds like even though you think this is a good thing too, you are advocating infant adoption and FOR leaving abused children in foster care. That doesn't seem very kind.
Well let me tell you, I am adopted and my mother had two more children after me and she didn't abuse either of them. Women who relinquish are more likely not abusive people, it is unfair to insinuate that they are.
It is a horrible thing when a child is abused but the reality is that no one has a crystal ball to tell what child is going to be abused. There is no way to tell when a child is in danger before they go home from the hospital. And age of parent is not a criteria for judging abuse. Many, many teenagers DO parent and parent well.
It is ageist and wrong to assume someone will be a bad parent because they are young.
And there are many, many children who have been abused whose parents are not teen mothers and are happily married. Heck, there are untold cases of children who have been abused and even killed by their adoptive parents.
And as far as your stance on infertile deserving children in their life, I have to disagree with you. No one is entitled to another person's child no matter how fertile or infertile they are.

ETA: You seem to be forgetting how the story of Moses ends. He goes back to his biological family and leads his people to the promised land. Oh yeah and his adoptive family? They wanted to kill him. Remember?
And hey, didn't Jesus go back to his Father too?
Not the best examples for your case, eh?

PhilM

In reverse order...

Having children is not a right. Those who cannot have children are not entitled to other people's children.

Adopted children suffer many other issues at much higher rates than the general population, since you like a little FYI.

No one supports leaving children in abusive homes. (This is called a straw-man argument. It's a fallacy. You seem to like to commit it a lot.) But you assume that the only alternative to leaving children in abusive situations is adoption. (It's another fallacy. A false dilemma. See how much you can learn on Yahoo! Answers?) If you really believe that the only alternative is to wipe out a child's identity and replace it with lies, that's pretty unimaginative.

I hate any practice that damages other human beings, especially children. Are you saying you enjoy such practices?

ETA: Indeed, you did imply that people are entitled to be parents. Right here: "And what about couples who can't have children? Should they just never be able to be parents?" The answer is, yes. It seems that nature has indicated they are not able to be parents. Justifying adoption on the grounds that some people cannot be parents is to suggest that being a parent is a right. It's not.

You do assume adoption is the only alternative. That is the whole basis of your argument. If there are other alternatives, then adoption is not required to spare children from abuse in the situation you envision. If you acknowledge other options, why do you support adoption? Nothing you say here indicates it.

Perhaps you do have text books. But owning books, and being able to reason effectively are different things.

As for who encouraged me to go to school and get an education, I don't think you'd like my answer, and it is irrelevant to this discussion.

Heather Leigh

I'm curious on where you found that stats stating that children adopted as infants are very much less likely to be abused then the average population. Do you have a link to prove this?

I don't hate adoption, but I do hate some of the unethical practices that many adoption agencies think nothing of.

* Why do they charge between 20 - 30 thousand for a child? Are the fee's really that high? If they are why is an African American baby *cheaper* than a white baby? Shouldn't the fees be the same for all baby's if they are truly charging PAP's fees.

* Why do agencies encourage a pregnant woman to deny that they know who the father of their child is?

* Why do some agencies encourage pregnant women to move to a different state to make the adoption process smoothly?

I could go on, but for some reason I get the impression that you really don't care what anyone else thinks, you seem to just want to start an argument.

Adoptionissadnsick

Please site your source for this little nugget

"Just a little FYI, children adopted as infants are very much less likely to be abused then the average population."

Mei-Ling

Alrighty, I have a question for you.

If a woman has an unplanned pregnancy but then realizes she does anticipate being a mommy (as [insert deity here] has inserted that primal biological urge in almost ALL of us), then why must the two choices be EITHER abortion or adoption?

Why hasn't it occurred to you there could be a third option?

ETA: "I do believe people have the right to be parents just as I believe ALL children adopted and otherwise have the right to feel wanted."

Believing that people have the right to parent is not the same thing as believing that children have the right to feel wanted.

SJM

"Nobody goes out and TAKES babies."

They have, and they do. Apparently, your life experience has not taught this. Others have written books about it. Possibly you should consider expanding your life experience to include the knowledge others have acquired and attempted to share through written language. It's one of the many benefits to a free press.

"duh, the point is that imperfecting coupled with no desire to be a parent can be even more toxic."

No offense, but you really do need to expand your world view. I have a friend who was spent his entire adolescence in group homes because he was adopted by an alcoholic who severely neglected him. About the only attention he received was beatings after the bar closed. The worst part of the story is that he wasn't placed in state custody due to neglect. Oh, no. He was placed there because he was running the streets after hours, and his father was afraid someone may turn him in. So HE called the state complaining that he couldn't control him. Maybe if he'd removed his behind from the barstool.... Is that covered in your psych textbook? Oh, by the way, his adad had a masters degree in psychology.

Adoption is NOT the neat and tidy little institution you've learned about in school.

ETA: Yes, it's just one experience. I have many friends who were adopted. I was adopted as well. You were the one who stated that adoptive parents wanted to parent. No, not all of them do. Some of them just want to keep up appearances.

ETA: I'm sorry your husband was abused. Here's the difference. You probably never consider the possibility that your husband's father could have had the opportunity to abuse you as a child. With my friend (who is also my daughter's father), I KNOW that I it could have been me. If I had been the baby at the top of the list, it would have been me. The only reason it was him is that he was the next baby in line. It's a creepy feeling.

DevonChaos

I'm curious as to your statistic... "Just a little FYI, children adopted as infants are very much less likely to be abused then the average population. "

Where did you find that?

I hate adoption. I am adopted. I think that there are very few instances where it is needed. Not every younger girl is going to be a bad mother. Not every poor woman is going to be a bad mother. Not every single woman is going to be a bad mother. We need to concentrate on keeping families together and providing the help that it would take to make women feel more secure parenting. Instead, they are encouraged all too often to give up their children.

What about the infertile? It is not up to the fertile to provide them with children. If they wish to parent, there are kids out there who don't have homes. Not many infants are actually abandoned here in the U.S. More older children who were in abusive situations are available, but people don't want them because they are looking for the womb-wet white infant. It isn't up to anyone to provide them with one.

Pro-abortion? There is a HUGE difference between abortion and adoption. Fundamentally different. Abortion is choosing to end your pregnancy. Adoption is the route chosen by those who don't wish to parent.

Are you adopted? It doesn't sound like it. Perhaps if you had lived in my shoes, you could see the flaws in your reasoning.

Don't come here and act accusatory towards others beliefs. You don't have much experience with this, do you? If not, I'd try to learn a bit more before going off like this. Babies aren't gifts. Babies are small humans who deserve the respect that adults do.

ETA: Do you mean I'll have a womb wet white infant and feel entitled to it? Yes. I have my own children, and feel entitled to them. Because they are my own children.
You are amazingly short sighted on this.

ETA: Text books? Honey, some of us LIVE this. EAT and SLEEP and BREATHE this. We know BS when we hear it. All I hear from you outside of one or two things... well... bs.

ETA: Heres a lil' gem I found "Adopted children are more likely to suffer abuse
for a number of reasons."

http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=234997

The more I read, the more I find that they cannot properly corrolate the rates properly because not all abuse is reported. I would try harder to sound educated next time. Text books are not going to always give you the best answers when you are talking about something abstract. Try again!

ETA: Using "god" as a cop out really refutes any intellegent things you said.

Heather B

Oh struth, it's the moses thing again

Yawn

I'm for the best interests of the children, all the way.

I'm not for the multi-billion dollar adoption industry that commodifies babies and makes money off their backs with their solicitous, unethical and coercive ways.

rant away. Go ahead. But I will never condone adoption unless it is anything other than a social service for children! not ever.

ETA You make the point that a woman can be 'talked out of adoption' How then, in heavens name can you then follow that up with claiming that a woman cannot 'talked into adoption' ????!!!!!!

Philippa

"Just a little FYI, children adopted as infants are very much less likely to be abused then the average population."

How do you know an infant adopted is less likely to abused. This sounds like assuming natural parents are more likely to be abusers than adoptive parents. I was coerced into aurrendering when I was 19 - my crime was being a single mother, who was working, didn't smoke, didn't drink, didn't do drugs and was proven to be good with kids. A friend's brother was adopted despite having good parents and was abused by his aparents along with his adopted siblings, one of whom committed suicide.

"And what about couples who can't have children? Should they just never be able to be parents? Adopt an older child?"

My dh and I can't but that doesn't give us a right to adopt just for that reason. We have chosen to adopt out of foster older children and my son whom I reunited with in 2004 is comfortable with this - he is very supportive. He knows we are doing it for the right reasons not selfish ones.

"Nobody goes out and TAKES babies. They are placed."

Actually they do as coercion is alive and kicking my dh & I work pro-actively towards getting children back with their parents unless the children have been abused/neglected then we agree with this as children need to be in a safe place.

Flying Monkey #073177

I'm not going to except anything accept you.

Insomnia_27

Im adopted so I kno wat its like. The only reason why my sister and I were in foster care was bcuz my mom couldnt take care of us. (My mom had 8 kids all together). We kno that and we love our family and we still visit our biological mother so how can some of you say that it is heartless to give your child(ren) up for adoption? And who said that the adoptive parents would regret their decision for the rest of their life? How would you know?

lolli_gno

i am against adoption because when you adopt and the child grows up you will regret it for the rest of your life because you wont be the mother of the child and i think thats completly heartless and i know its sometimes good to do adoption but still it is a life you made why would anyone want to give that up? I suggest people be careful if they dont want a child. I would do anything in the world to have a baby right now but i need to wait till after i graduate from highschool.

Timid Women Rarely Make History

Ok... Who said anyone in the Adoption section was against adoption? That's like going to the pregnancy section and asking the women if they want to light up. Doesn't make any sense.

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