Some Questions about Honest Adoption Language?

monkeykitty83

I think HAL ironically suffers from the same problem as PAL-- the belief that the recognition of one person's parenthood can only come with the minimizing or invalidating of another person's parenthood. I don't find either system sufficient for that reason. Whether it's adoptive or biological parents getting minimized and invalidated, neither is right.

Families are complicated. The definition of parenthood should not be exclusionary... no matter who you would prefer to exclude. I wouldn't buy completely into either HAL or PAL for that reason.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

the only time i ever put a label on either set is for clarification in venues like this and adult adoptees.

personally, i find the term "adoptive care giver" pretty repulsive and disgusting. i think it demeans the ap's.

magic pointe shoes

http://www.originscanada.org/honest-adoption-language-short-summary.html

This one has a side by side chart of HAL vs PAL.

I think the point of most of the articles written about Honest Adoption Language is that it's supposed to jolt adoptive parents and bruise feelings. For so long adoption was only about the adoptive parents, and the concept of honest adoption language was startling and uncomfortable. By instead of just having a simple list like the link above has, many of the articles were showing via explaining why the terms weren't okay in suggesting people think of other ways to use language.

I think that communication about adoption reform is starting come a bit back into balance now that it's more accepted that adopted people and families of origin are speaking out. It used to be and still sort of is that if adopted people or families of origin spoke up that their complaints were immediately shut down by society because we should just be grateful. It still happens, but now with the loud mouths being more prevalent, more civilized conversations are happening.

Edit to add to your edit:

It's because it was created on a gut reaction to language used to dehumanize the family of origin. This was an extremely controversial idea when it was first brought up and still sort of is. The point of it is to minimize the glorifying of adoptive parents. Not enough time has passed for the message of HAL to be written with more balance. The closest you can find is this link:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Language_of_adoption

Heather B

Adoptive Parents is pretty honest IMHO

Mine are easy and not easily offended but the international factor divides them into 'MUM' and 'MOM' - Perfect! (and totally inoffensive)

ETA: Hey, I didn't say adoptive parents weren't parents - how is the thumbs down warranted?

Phoenix

I don't know about PAL or HAL, but my biological parents and my adoptive parents are all my parents. So what if I have 2 moms and 2 dads, I just get more people who love me.

Usually I just refer to any of them as my mom/dad or my "other" mom/dad. If people need more explanation, I'll use "adoptive" or "biological" because it seems to be the only phrases that people understand.

People usually try to tell me that one or the other set are my "real" parents, but as far as I'm concerned, I have four "real" parents and since they're MY parents, that's MY decision, not anyone else's.

cathrl69

I'd never considered "birth mother" to be offensive, because I simply hadn't thought of it as meaning "only the mother at birth". I thought of it as "the only mother at birth" (amazing what a difference reversing two little words makes!) But I'll certainly not use it as it upsets so many people.

Lori A

I am my daughters mother. The man I had her with is her father. The people who raised her are her mom and dad. These are her terms not mine, but it works. No one is offended.

vegetarian

I second what was offered by "magic pointe shoes"

celtic.piskie

Sorry, if people say HAL all I can think of is a mental computer.

I try not to get caught up in all this 'can't offend anyone at all ever' type of thought.

I just try to call people something honest, and respectful, where warranted.

Everyone has different opinions on what they find offensive or not.
I try to put myself in someone else's shoes, and wonder would I like being refered to as that?

Would you like to be the 'birth' mother, AKA rent-a-womb?
That just sounds offensive and degrading to me, so that's out.

Adopter, doesn't sound too bad, it's shorter than Adoptive Parent, and useful if unsure of gender. But i usually go with just second parent.

Generally, i don't mean to offend people, and if someone honestly explains why something is offensive, i won't use the term. But i don't worry too much about it, just try and be nice.

grapesgum

I think that both RAL and HAL have problems. And why wouldn't they? Both lack input from the most important human in the equation - the adoptee.

I am not an adopted person, but if I were, I would be appalled at having my parents referred to "birth" things and "adopters"/"caregivers". Or how about having a SW insist that my mother "made an adoption plan" while knowing full well that she was forced to give me away? It is dehumanizing to both sets of parents AND to the heritage and identity of the adoptee.

I think that adults who have been adopted should develop adoption language and everyone else should shut up about it and use what they are comfortable with - just like Phoenix said!

Mei-Ling

I wouldn't be surprised if HAL had been created during the BSE.

That's probably why the APs' titles are being diminished - in THAT time period.

I know that some people here think if that "birthmother" (merely giving birth) is okay, then "adopter" (merely paid money to adopt) should be okay, too.

I disagree.

Adopter is an insult. Adoptive parents are parents. I think the main issue is that since some APs like to claim they are the only parents, they tend to get carried away and like to gloss over the detail that the biological parents are/were parents too. Not "parent" in the verb, but "parent" in the noun sense. :)

ETA: It also depends on what people *think* IS honest adoption language. Some people think "birthmother" is being honest (ONLY giving birth), others say that "parent" is being honest (the noun, not the verb), just like some people think that biological mother (contributing genetics and personality traits) is honest. *shrugs*

Sophie

I only say "adoptive" in here for clarification purposes and very little anywhere else now. And I try to never ever say "Adopted son"... my son is my son. Period. If brought up, I may say that I adopted him when he was a baby or we became a family through adoption. But I don't label him.

People are going to call it what they want. There is no way to change their opinions, ignorance, or biases.

BLW_KAM

HAL is not honest adoption language, it's adoption language with a different spin.

The following is from the Miriam Webster dictionary:

Main Entry: parÂ·ent
Date: 15th century
1 a: one that begets or brings forth offspring b: a person who brings up and cares for another

HAL has chosen to focus on the a) definition and minimize b) by its insistence on qualifiers. As a result, HAL has contributed to its own rejection by adoptive parents everywhere.

A natural parent is a parent. An adoptive parent is a parent. To quote Bob Seger, "Turn the page."

Dreamweaver ILF posse 2009

If I'm talking to someone about my adoption. my mom is my mom, my dad is my dad....my birth parents are my birth parents

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